Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Way past crying.

Where do I start?

Maybe by warning you that this will not be an upbeat, happy post.  Or maybe by warning you that there could be some profanities that escape my mouth fingers as I express what is in my heart right now.

Maybe by telling you that sometimes I really hate this journey.  Hate. It.

4 weeks ago I weighed in at 184.9.  Over the last 4 weeks I have been really pushing myself.  I've been counting calories...I've been trying to make smarter choices.  No, I haven't been perfect...but I will never be perfect.  Instead, I have faced each new day trying to do better than the last....trying to improve some of my imperfections.

Along these last 4 weeks I have been increasing my workouts.  I have been consistent.  REAL CONSISTENT!  I have followed the C25K app.  I have added in at least 1 extra run a week.  I have also added Zumba in the last 2 weeks.  I've been sweating and sweating and sweating.  And I am sore, sore, sore.

So why in the hell am I not seeing anything on the scale?

In the last 4 weeks I've fluctuated.  My lowest was on 7/20 at 180.1.  Yet today I'm back up to 183.0.

I'm not going to sugar coat things.  I'm beyond frustrated.  When I saw todays number...down 0.2 from yesterday I cried.

I cried a lot.

I feel nothing I do is making a difference.

I'm scared because I wonder why I'm even pushing myself this hard if I'm not going to get results.

Sure, I am feeling stronger.  Sure, I'm able to run longer without getting winded.  But really...can I just get out of the 180's again?!

I got pissed today.  I threw a not-so-little temper tantrum.  I went to my room to pout.  I cried a lot on my bed.  I hurt.  Physically and emotionally!

Whoever said this journey isn't hard should be shot.  Seriously, it's draining me.

I know what I need to do.  It's just really hard to do it.  I need to box up my scales for a while.  I see that I am giving them way to much power.  It's hard though because I do want to feel good about a weight loss.  And each day I wake up, put on my happy face and think that THIS, THIS will be the morning I see a drop.

Jason keeps telling me that it's like I'm climbing a mountain.  Until I reach that peak, its frustrating and hard.  And you wonder why you are putting yourself through the agony.  Then, out of no where, you are at the peak.  Things make sense.

When am I going to be at that point?  When will things start to add up and make sense again?

I've really done a lot of reflecting over the last couple days.  I sought out advice from my ultra skinny brother (who seems to have it all figured out).  Even the advice he gave me was stuff I had known...but I again re-evaluated everything, just to make sure I'm not missing something.

I am literally at a loss (and not the kind of loss I want to be at...).

So here I am.  A girl.  A girl who is in tears because I feel I have put forth every ounce of effort I have. I have turned down food I love to eat.  I have made dinners from vegetables.  I have cut my portion sizes drastically.  I have downed 100 oz of water a day.  Here I am a girl who sweats her little heart out.  Who goes to bed at night completely exhausted and sore from working out.

Here I am a girl who is drained emotionally because no matter what I do, nothing has changed.  Nothing.

So what am I to do?  I am going to try to lace up my shoes and put my big girl panties on.  I'm going to TRY to focus on what I can control.  You see, I have absolutely no control what the scale shows each morning.  None.  But I can control if I get up and do my run in the morning.  I can control if I walk out the door to Zumba at night.  I can control what I put in my mouth...and what I don't put in my mouth.

So, as hard as it is, I have to focus on what I can control and hope that eventually my weight catches up to me.  I know I have been working hard, I know I have been eating better...eventually that has to pay off.  And if it doesn't, well.....then that will suck and I might have to be put in the looney bin....then it doesn't.

Now that I've cried a lot more trying to write this post, I'm at the point where I'm going to give up my scale.  I am going to box it up.  I am going to keep doing what I feel I can do...and push myself even harder.  I'm going to take body measurements today.  Then, I'm going to tuck them away.  I'm not even going to think about comparing progress until I finish my 5K on August 25th.  (That is a month and a day from today.)  At that point, I will measure myself again.  I will reflect on myself and my progress.....and maybe, just maybe...I'll unbox my scales at that point.

(Pray that by then I see the 170's on my scale!!!)


  1. it seems to me that wt loss is akin to getting through nursing school......and I know you can get through the hard times. Maybe this is a case for your lucky shoes? Your success on this journey is inspiring. You can do, just hang in there!

  2. Alisha,

    First of all, congrats on what you have accomplished. You inspire me! Be grateful for what you do have and what you have accomplished.

    So, here are some ideas. I am not an expert, only someone who has been in your shoes more often than I want to admit... I think my scale has water damage from my tears ;)
    1. You may be in a platuea and you need to shock your body. Do you lift weights? You need to do weight eating exercise 2-3xs a week. If you don't have actual weights you can do yoga or other activities that work with your own body weight.

    As far as cardio goes, I had a personal trainer tell me that interval training is best for weightloss. She said to run for 30 mins by doing 1 min full out sprints followed by 2 min recovery. She said this workout, done 3xs a week has the same cardio benefit as running for 10hrs. Then 1x a week you do a steady cardio workout for 60mins (ie running at a steady pace)

    2. Do you drink soda? Even diet soda? That has to go!

    3. It is true you have to cut calories to lose weight, but if you go too low than your body starts to think it is starving and holds on to everything. I might try actually increasing your calories but do it by adding more vegetables and more lean protein. It is also important what time you eat. Make sure you eat consistently to keep your blood sugar steady and your metabolism fired up. Keep your carbs under control.

    Well, that's my two cents. Just a few ideas. If you try them let me know how they worked out for you. If you decide not to try them, that is awesome too ;)

    Good luck this next month. I know you can do it!

  3. Congratulations Alisha! You are inspiring! What your doing is amazing, your not giving up! YOU are very strong! Great idea, boxing up your scale! My advice is, throw the dang thing as far as you can throw it! I hate scales! I'm probably the only one that will ever tell you that. I've been on them before, at the gym, but every time I get on one, I somehow base my self worth on that number! What do I think I need to be back at my birth weight? NOT! So for me I have to go by how my clothes feel, or fill. I seriously want you to know how awesome I think you are Alisha! Keep your chin up! I've herd it said if we stay obedient to the laws of God we will be blessed, I believe we can apply this to food and drink as well. If we stay obedient to eating healthy we will be blessed with a healthier body. It's the law and order of things. (I know I have some crazy thought patterns) I'm trying to do the same thing you are everyday! Making necessary changes in my diet is very hard because I always go back to my comfort foods. I'm trying to change my comfort foods to healthier choices. Dang it's hard! But after reading your blog I'm back on board! Thanks for sharing, you are not alone! Love you!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...