Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Learning the difference in fueling and filling...

Remember yesterday?  Remember how I wanted to break the 3 pound weight loss for the week?

Great news...

I'm down 3.7 POUNDS from last Tuesday!

I worked hard to shed that 3.7 pounds...ALL 3.7 pounds of it!

What did I do?  I got back to the routine that works for me.

I counted my steps, I did my 10K app workout 3 times, I was careful what I put in my mouth, I drank insane amounts of water!  I asked myself a lot of questions.....self, are you really hungry?  self, why are you obsessing over food?  self, have you drank enough water?  self, does the food taste better than a size 8 would feel?  (because I haven't been an 8 since I was in high school...)

or self, why are you sabotaging yourself?

Really, I have had a lot of self talks.  (And quite possibly out-loud!)  But if I'm not being frank with myself...if I'm not being honest to me, who will be?  It's my responsibility to keep me in check.  After all, I'm doing this for me you know!

If you read back to when I started this blog, and to my thoughts and feelings behind it...it all comes down to the fact that I have to stop the cycle.  And sadly, I have realized I will always be prone to fall back into old habits.  I have to focus EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. or I will fall back into my fat girl habits.  If I am not careful, my new healthy habits are forgotten and I slip back to my many, many years of fat girl habits.  I'm tired of the fat girl habits.  I hate how easy they are for me to become again!  I hope there is a day that my healthy girl habits replace my fat girl ones....but right now, I'm not at that point!  Right now, I don't trust myself.  Right now, I have to focus every single day so I keep myself from slipping!

Honestly, it's an addiction.  And a horrible one!  There are a lot of bad addictions out there...drugs, drinking, smoking, pornography...and terrible, over-eating, junk food eating is mine!  Here's the bad thing:  With some addictions, you go to rehab and get clean in so many days.  You completely avoid your addiction.  My problem is that ALL FOOD is my addiction!  And I've learned I have to eat.  Therefore, I can't just simply rehab my way out of this.  I have to be even more careful than a drug addict because I have to still take in my addiction, but I need to make sure it's in a healthy way.  I have to continue to teach myself everyday that eating just because something tastes good usually isn't a good thing!  I am trying to learn how to fuel my body with food, rather than fill my body with food.  There is a difference, and I hope eventually it becomes easier to master!

Ultimately, as I battle with this addiction, I hope I master it and teach my children how to avoid it!  I hope that I can fight the battle for them, I hope they can learn the art of fueling their body with food.  Healthy habits are what I'm focusing on EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  Even on the hard days.  And as much as I hope this road gets easier, more mindless for me, in creating healthy habits....there's a part of me that knows I will always struggle with this.  Ultimately, I've tasted the drug.  Ultimately, deep down there is a fat girl inside of me.  And if I don't keep her in check, she will gladly rear her face again and come out to ruin all the work I've done.  I've seen it in the last 6 months!  I've seen how easily the fat girl resurfaces even after I thought I "got it."

So my guard is up, and that is where it will stay.  Indefinitely for now....

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