Sunday, March 27, 2016

First race

Post edit: the race was actually yesterday. I was just waiting for official results but they weren't posted until today...

Today I ran my first race of the season. I've been working up my runs each week. But, more than that, I've been lifting weights and THAT made a huge difference! I felt so good running on the brisk, chilly spring morning. I loved doing it with my mom. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't thrilled to get up early to run in the cold. But once I was there, I got in my groove. 

I'm pretty happy with my run. I have a huge goal for this year. I want to finish a 5k in under 27min. Why that number? I have no idea. But that's what I'm going to push for! Today, on my first run I was just hoping to finish under 35min. 

Final results:
I finished 45th with a 33:43 time. I felt dang good too!

Loved spending the morning with my mom. Here's hoping we can find more races to occupy our Saturday mornings for the summer...

Wednesday, March 23, 2016


If I'm being honest, I'll post that today has been rough. 

I've wanted to eat everything in sight. I tried for the first 3/4 of the day to be smart and load up on protein because I felt hungry. 

Then this evening happened. And I've been stuffing everything in my pie hole.

Also. Truth: I don't want to go to the gym tonight. 

At all.

Truth is, sometimes it's hard to keep motivated. 

But another truth: I always feel better after a good hard workout. 

So I'm off to sweat it out...even if I am bitter about it. 

Saturday, March 19, 2016


I have been deep in reflection for a lot of the month.

Sometimes, I struggle finding the words to express what I feel.

This is certainly one of those times.


As you might be aware, Jason and I snuck off to Moab on the 3rd to celebrate life.  15 years have now passed since my life was turned upside down when I was raped.  15 years has held a lot of heartache and tears, but I've also found a lot of strength and happiness.

I've been asked how I did it.  How I moved on from something as life shattering as rape.

Truth is, I haven't 'moved on.'

I've moved through it.  I've waded through every emotion and been strengthened when I felt I had no strength left.

I've been buoyed up friends and family, even when they've had no clue they were buoying me up.

But as I've said before, each year the end of February the anxiety sets in.  Each year, the beginning of March I begin to panic.  How will it effect me this year?  Will I become angry?  Will I become emotional?  Will I want to check out and sleep through the next few days?

This year, I made a conscious effort to determine my coping.  This year, I decided to go somewhere I've never been.


It was beautiful.  It has been on my bucket list for quite some time, and for good reason!  Delicate Arch, Dead Horse Point!

I wish I could sit here and write that it was perfect, and I felt no anxiety. I can't. That's the tricky thing, sometimes as hard as you try, you can't control every emotion you feel. So instead, I faced the emotion. I acknowledged it, and every other emotion I was feeling.

As I stood at the look out, looking over Dead Horse Point I had plenty of time to reflect!  We were the only ones there.  It was quiet.  And beautiful.  For a moment I got to just breathe in the beauty.  I had enormous gratitude in my heart.  I remembered being at my lowest point (many times) and thinking that life would be better without me.  I remember wanting to numb, to not feel the extreme pain.  I remember, so clearly, thinking of a time in my life that I thought life could NEVER be good again.  I didn't deserve happiness.  I thought didn't deserve to smile or to laugh again.  I remembered as I stood there, the tears shed, and the prayers uttered to just let me be done with this life.

As I stood there, quietly, over looking this point I realized how beautiful life is BECAUSE I fought so hard to continue.  I realized that because of the hard, I've become stronger.  The girl 15 years ago had no idea how strong she really was.  The girl 15 years ago didn't realize all that life had in store for her.  The girl 15 years ago didn't realize how finding courage to stand back up and face life could fulfill her in ways she never imagined.

Depression is real.  Suicide is real.  Wanting to die is real.  And I've fought through those thoughts many times.  And who knows, maybe those ugly thoughts will rear their head again in my life.  (I hope not, but I'm wise enough to never say never!)

So to anyone in a dark spot in life, please hear my words:

Whatever it is you've faced, or whatever it is you are currently facing....the sun will shine again!  It will shine again on your face and heart.  Breathing will get easier.  And you will be surprised to find a day when you actually are grateful for every breath you take. You will be grateful for opportunities to see incredible sites you've never seen, because you've made the choice to continue. 

Is my life perfect and all roses now?  Heavens no!  We face hard in our family quite often.

But, we fight through the hard together.  Because that's just are never alone!  Even when you are at your loneliest moments, and you think you have no one...God is there.  He has your hand.  Never did He leave my side, and never will He leave yours.  His love is there for you whether you want it, whether you are ready for it, or whether you feel you need it. His love is there no matter what skeletons are in your closet, no matter what you've done or what others have done to you.  And that love never changes or dulls.  It's not conditional.

As the sun warmed my face that day at Dead Horse Point, I felt His love.  I felt such gratitude.  I felt such pride. 

It takes courage to stand up when you've fallen, or you've been knocked down.  So when you are down, find the strength to stand.  Maybe even slowly stand.  But stand!  Fight!  Because as I stood at Dead Horse Point reflecting on my life, my children, my job, my friends, my family, etc. I realized that I didn't have a clue 15 years ago how bright the sun could shine in my life again.  I love the sun in my life.  I love feeling the warmth of it surround me.  And I constantly remind myself of that each day.  Because I don't take the sun for granted.  I know darkness can easily creep back in if I let it.  So each day, I try to make a conscious choice to feel the sun.  It doesn't always work, but I keep trying.  After all, I will always be in progress for good.....

Wednesday, March 2, 2016


Jason and I weighed in yesterday.  I'll be honest, I hoped for a bigger loss.
(And I know Jason did too.)

But the reality is, we can't have a month like January every single month.
And the truth is, we will keep plugging along.
Some months will give us a bigger loss than others, but eventually we will get where we want to be.
And it's not like there is a deadline.
These changes are changes we are making in our lives (hopefully forever!).

So....the results:

February STARTING numbers:
Weight: 192.1
Fat Mass: 80.2
Lean Mass: 111.9

Weight:  269.8
Fat Mass:  91.2
Lean Mass:  178.6

ENDING numbers for the month:
Weight:  187.2
Fat Mass:  72.8
Lean Mass:  114.4

Weight:  264.2
Fat Mass:  82.6
Lean Mass:  181.6

What does this all mean?
Alisha lost 7.4 pounds of fat, and gained 2.5 pounds of muscle.
Alisha's overall weight loss for February:  4.9 pounds

Jason lost 8.6 pounds of fat, and gained 3 pounds of muscle.
Jason's overall weight loss for February:  5.6 pounds

(scale used to track this is a Withings scale, HIGHLY recommend it!!!)

I can tell you that at the end of the month there were points that both Jason and I weighed less than we did March 1st.  But that's how the scale works.  It fluctuates each day.  And I want to give an honest reflection of what this journey is like for us.  I would have loved to use a number from a few days earlier to bump up my results.  But there is power in honesty.  And the numbers will come.  So here's to a Sweet March, full of Madness!

Will you join us?

Tuesday, March 1, 2016


Yesterday, February ended.  I worked extremely hard to earn what some will think is a silly achievement:

With the Apple Watch you can earn different achievements.  This one was for reaching my Move goal every single day of February.  

I haven't weighed in yet to know my final weight.  I know it's not as low as I hoped.  I'll likely weigh in after I go to the gym this morning.  But I wanted to write this post first.  Because more than the weight, I'm just damn proud of the consistency.  

You see, some months the scale will reward me and others it will be stubborn.  This month my eating wasn't perfect.  I lived it up on Jason's birthday weekend (which was also the Super Bowl weekend).  I also lived it up at Valentines day.  But that's just it....this isn't a "diet."  This is our lifestyle now.  And I plan to live my life.  I love food.  And I plan to continue to enjoy food.  I am just trying to make my relationship with food more healthy.  I don't regret the weekends I splurged in February.  I don't regret it, because I lived.  I planned those moments.  I didn't binge.  I didn't eat my feelings away.  I chose.

So what does March look like?  Geez.  I don't know.  I know I said this March was going to be 'different' than other years.  But I'll be honest, it's the first and I can already feel the anxiety creeping in.  I leave for Moab on Thursday so I'll be spending the hardest days of March with Jason, in a place we've never been.  I'm hoping to celebrate the choice I made to live life.  

I've read a lot about the semi-colon project.  I'll be honest, I'm not a tattoo kinda girl.  But this is one I've sincerely debated getting.  If you haven't read up on the semi-colon project, it basically is a visual symbol people get to signify the choice they made.  You see, an author makes a choice to use a semi-colon.  They make a choice to continue rather than using a period.  And that's just it.  I made a choice.  I continued, despite desperately wanting to use the period and be finished with my life.  

So this weekend, I will be celebrating that.  I will be celebrating being a survivor.  I hope you can celebrate with me.  Sometime on the 3rd, I hope you can take a moment to pause and be proud of yourself for fighting through the hard and difficult in your life.  Join me, and take a moment to look around and appreciate what you see.  

Life is worth living; even when it's most difficult. 

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