Fitness Friday!

The weekend is upon us.  I have a lot I want to accomplish.  The hard part is actually DOING it.  

So yesterday, I called and seriously considered starting Weight Watchers again.

Jason's work has a killer deal they offer, so I was ready to jump on it ($17 for a monthly pass).

The only problem?  

I live in a franchise area, and we can't make it work.

I was frustrated.

But if I'm being honest, I was frustrated at myself.

You see, I know what I have to do.

I know what it takes.

I KNOW that I can't out-work at bad diet.

But there was something about the accountability of weighing in on THEIR scale.

It made me focus.

So.

Rather than forking out the 42/month it would cost me to sign up...

I'm going to use you as my WW scale.

I'm going to push through and make myself accountable to each of you.

I'm going to remember that each week, I've committed to weighing in here...so hopefully that will make me more mindful of what I put in my mouth.

So here I will track again, each and every week.

I've got to push through this.

I'm not loving where I'm at currently, and I need the accountability.

(The embarrassingly real accountability...)

No matter where you are on your journey...let's travel this together.

It makes it so much easier when you can be lifted up by others in the hard times.

You can do this, WE can do this!

(If I was techy enough to know how to do a blog link up, I would...sorry!)

A week from today, I don't want to see this number again.

(have I mentioned how badly I hate that the scale fluctuates!?)

Truthfully...I don't EVER plan to see this number again...

Ripples

Let me start by taking you back to where the ripple in the water started....

I was doing so good with my exercising and running.  I was posting here more.  The scale was moving the right direction!  It was 2 weeks full of focus and determination to hit 10k steps, and to lift weights Mon/Wed/Fri.  

Then.  Last Wednesday came.

Nothing significant happened on Wednesday.  I just made one simple decision that has caused a ripple of other effects.

Wednesday I decided I would skip the morning leg lifts in our gym, and do them that evening instead.  Only.  I didn't.  By the time evening came, it sounded a lot better to sit and relax rather than changing into exercise clothes and start doing squats.  

So I gave in.

And from there, I allowed myself to give in to all sorts of terrible food.  I allowed myself to skip runs that I had planned.  I allowed myself to wallow.

See the ripple?

I was feeling all sorry for myself as I knew the scale would be moving in the other direction.  But I sat, wallowing, and shoving anything that was even moderately sweet into my pie hole.

Bad week?  Yes.  And for what reason?  None, other than I allowed it.

Losing weight is hard.  It is so hard to stay focused.  It can be so frustrating.  SO FRUSTRATING!  It's frustrating to have been so close, and now packed the weight back on.  (Granted, it was for a good reason....but it's still hard!)  

So yesterday I was sitting there...in my sweat pants...feeling all sorry for myself.  Then I had a very powerful and eye opening moment happen.  I'd like to open up and share...

As you know, I have 4 great children who mean the world to me.  Right now, one of my children is struggling.  I'd like to say a little bit, but that would be a lie.  She's really struggling, and it breaks my heart.  She is incredibly talented, you should hear the girl sing!!!  She is beautiful, inside and out!  She is hilarious!  She is kind, and helpful.  But she is struggling with her reading.  Over the last year+ as we've worked with her, it's become apparent that reading just doesn't come easily for her.  As I sat there yesterday, watching her S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E through her book I couldn't help but think of how frustrated she becomes.  She wants to be a great reader!  (She certainly puts in the time to become one!)  Some days, she does so great at sounding out words....other days, she struggles to name the letter she is looking at.  It breaks my heart to see her try so hard, and put in all the effort, only to feel like she is not good enough!  Tears have been shed (by both of us) as she tells me she feels dumb.

So you may be wondering why I would share such personal information about my sweet girl....let me explain!

Yesterday, as I sat listening to her, it dawned on me...there are many days when she becomes frustrated!  There have been many, MANY tears shed by her when she feels inadequate.  Yet through it all, she doesn't give up!

She never gives up!

My beautiful daughter dusts herself off, and keeps trying no matter how hard it is.  Why?  Because that is what our family does!  When hard things come our way, we don't stick our head in the sand.  We don't let hard keep us down.  Sure, it may knock us back...but we always, ALWAYS get up.  

So I sat there, realizing what an example she is to me!  She reminded me that the Bowling's never, NEVER give up when things get hard.  And just as she will continue to put in the endless time and effort to learn to do what she feels is impossible, so will I.  Together, we will both keep working on the hard things in life and we will become stronger for it!

(And one day, long down the road, if you ever read this....I hope you will know just know how much I love you Red Kitty!  You are incredible in so many ways...)

Look who's back...

That's right folks, I'm back.  (At least, I hope I am!)  It's been a long few months.  I bet some of you thought that my pregnancy swallowed me up and kidnapped me, right?

Well, I guess that is sort of true.

I had yucky bouts of pregnancy sickness.  And even worse, I have had zero energy.  Zero!

Mix all that together with the added, enormous stress of 4th semester nursing school....that gives you the answer of where I've been!

But I'm alive.  And the baby is kicking.  (Yep, totally feeling the baby kicks now.)  And what's even better is it seems I've found my 2nd trimester energy.

I kid you not when I say I haven't ran since my half in January.  That's almost 2 months ago people!  I've been feeling down.  I called it the winter blues, but really...I think it was the non-exercising blues.  I've missed the endorphins.  My body has punished me because it's been craving them.

I've told myself for the last 3ish weeks that today, TODAY was going to be the day I started moving again.  And each day passed, and no movement happened.

Finally, enough is enough.  I needed some good stress relief.  So I downloaded a new app.  It was one I've heard incredible things about from my dear friends Marcee and Denise.  I knew a lot of people used it.  I just never could swallow the steep price of it.  ($15 is a lot for an app to me.)

But I swallowed the cost and downloaded it anyway.  Today I broke it out and gave it a try.  Honestly, I realize it's only day 1, but I loved it!  And even more, I love Jeff Galloway's thoughts behind a run/walk race to avoid energy and finish strong.  I had done a lot of reading about the concept and knew it was something I wanted to try.

I thought today was going to suck.  Like suck bad.  (Remember, it's been 2 freaking months since I laced up my shoes!)  But I was surprised.  Don't get me wrong, I dreaded it.  Like full on tried to talk myself out of it.  But I turned on my treadmill and did it anyway.

You see, I have been putting this off for weeks (maybe longer).  I knew I could continue down that road and it would take me somewhere I don't want to be.  I don't want to gain a million and a half pounds in this pregnancy.  Pregnancy is NOT a reason to get fat.  So I knew I had a choice.  We all have this choice!

You can choose to give in to those excuses you make for yourself, or you can choose to push them aside.  Let me tell you, I've done both at times.  And after today, I remember just how damn good it feels to finish a work out!  How accomplishing a measly 1.82 miles can be.

So for you, yes YOU!  The one who is thinking of your own list of reasons to put off working out for today.  The one who keeps saying you are too busy.  Or that you'll start tomorrow.....tomorrow is not a day of the week!

Start today!  I swear to you, as much as it will suck when you begin...you won't regret it!

Finding strength

I don't know about you, but somedays are tough for me.

Somedays I feel overwhelmed.

Somedays I feel like I'm drowning with all that is happening in my life at the moment.

It's moments like those that I am so grateful for tender mercies I stumble upon.

This video portrays a beautiful message.

A message we all could benefit from...

Strength

I read a beautiful blog post late last night by one of my all-time favorite bloggers, Kelle Hampton.  If you haven't read Kelle's story, it's one that is emotional and raw.  Her story has always hit close to home for me in a lot of different ways.  But that is for a different post...

Over the last week, I've struggled a bit.  To be completely honest, I've wondered if I did the right thing in sharing my story.  You see, I shared one of the most vulnerable parts of myself with you.  (And a bunch of other strangers.)  And up until this point, it hadn't been a huge deal.  In fact, up until this point I know I only had a few dozen people coming here regularly.

Now, that's changed.  A lot.

Kelle was speaking directly to me when she said:

If you share, if you publish, if you write, if you speak, if you are brave and decide to put yourself out there, I promise you, someone won't like it.  Someone won't agree with you.  Someone will misinterpret.  Someone will think that you are silly, unqualified and that your work is crap.  That you are crap.  They might not just think it but they might tell you.  And that won't feel good, especially not the first time you hear it.

Over the past couple weeks, I've received some negative feedback about my story.  Some of it from strangers, some not.  Some of them were sent directly to me, some I stumbled upon myself, and some others told me about.  But in all cases, it hurt.

It made me question if I was brave enough to continue on.  It made me question if I was doing the right thing in sharing such a personal, still heart-wrenching-to-me story.

I had been thinking long and hard about it.  Last night, after reading her post, I realized I already knew the answer.

Yes.  I have done the right thing in sharing.  It isn't easy to get negative feedback.  And hopefully my skin will get thicker.  I do value all opinions, and welcome them.  I only ask that you use tact and grace when vocalizing them.

I could have taken the easy way out.  I could have decided to let these several instances affect me.  I could have opted to stop opening myself up, I could opt to stop letting myself be vulnerable by choosing not to share my story and my words.  I could.

But it's moments like yesterday, when I open my email and am moved to tears because of the multiple beautiful emails I receive telling me how much I have touched them and changed their lives.  It's moments when I log on and read the comments left for me that give me chills, thinking of how many others might still need to find hope again.

That is what this blog is about.  Sure, the premise is a weight loss blog.  But it's about so much more!  It's about finding hope again.  It's about finding strength when you feel it is gone.  It's about learning to love yourself, especially when you feel most unlovable.

High FIVE

Today was my long run.  And I'm not going to lie and pretend I wasn't nervous.  I realized the last time I ran 5 miles straight was when I ran the marathon.....5 years ago.  And before training for that....NEVER!

So today I was a nervous nelly.  I didn't know if I could trust my body to do all 5 miles.

My sweet husband kept telling me to trust myself.  He told me I'm too hard on myself, and that I needed to stop doubting and start believing.  (He's so right!)  (Don't tell him I said that.....)

I also received some awesome advice from my professional runner friend Brandi who told me to watch my heart rate!  It was something I'd never done before.  I'd always paid attention to my pace rather than my HR.  So today, my goal was to keep my heart rate within the aerobic range for my body (140-160).

At first, I felt like I was going at a SNAILS PACE!  But I felt strong.  1/2 through my run I wasn't labored at all.  In fact, I didn't even realize I was already 1/2 done!

By the time I finished, I felt strong.  Seriously, I probably could have continued!  I was SHOCKED that I ran the entire 5 miles without feeling labored at all!  My legs were strong!  My lungs were strong! My body was strong!

I FELT AMAZING!

Pace: 11:33 min/mile (Splits: 10:49, 11:47, 11:22, 11:40, 12:08)

Thank you to all the loving encouragement and belief sent my way.  I'm truly starting to see that I sometimes don't give myself enough credit.....

What's in a number?

I have said many times that I will not let the scale dictate who I am as a person!
We are certainly more than any number given...

However, there are moments in my journey when that number means a lot!  There are moments when that number defines, in some way, who we have become.

When I started this journey, that number defined me at 233 pounds.  (I'm 5'7)  This put me at severely obese, I even read on one chart that I was morbidly obese.

I was fat.  I liked food a lot.  Like, a lot, a lot!  I didn't exercise.  Like ever.

I would be out of breath climbing one flight of stairs!  I would never get down on the floor to play with my kids because I couldn't sit comfortably with all my fat bulging (not to mention I was too tired!).  My wardrobe consisted of sweatshirt hoodies and stretchy exercise pants most of the time.  (That I wore because they had an elastic waist, NOT to exercise in...)  I did have 2 pairs of pant that "fit"...and by "fit" I mean I could button up if I sucked in really hard and held my breath while the waist band pinched off all feeling creating a rather large muffin top.

I remember how awful I felt.  I remember hating mirrors.  I would NEVER look in them!  I was miserable.  I felt stuck.

One might question how a person gets that way.  I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you that for me food was my comfort.  I hated myself.  HATED MYSELF!  I had repressed a lot of emotional garbage.

For years (10 years to be exact) I allowed the self-hate and the self-blame from being raped affect me.  You see, I decided all those 10 years ago (11 now...) that I didn't deserve anything out of life.  I decided I was damaged goods after everything that happened to me.  Over the years I ignored my feelings, I ignored myself.  I ate to numb the hurt and pain that was too difficult to face.  Eventually, it began affecting every aspect of my life!  I would even try to self-sabotage relationships when I felt I didn't deserve to be in them...luckily I have an amazing husband that never left my side through it all!

I had let myself become the girl that ate upwards of 3,000-4,000 calories a day at times (maybe more...I stopped counting).  I had let myself become the girl that would go through 3 different fast food drive-thrus for 3 different dinners...then be so ashamed and embarrassed that I would stop at a dumpster before heading home to get rid of the "evidence."  Because if my husband never knew, it must have never happened....right?

I was the girl that could eat a whole carton of ice cream without thinking about it!  I was the girl that would eat a 4th and 5th meal every night!

I was the girl that was so sad at who I had become that I just kept spiraling downward.

Then.  It hit me.  Like a million bricks!  I took my daughter into the doctor for a well-child check up where he told me that if I wasn't careful, her growth pattern would continue down a very bleak road.  He showed me the graph.  We followed the pattern, and by age 18 she was set to be at a 36 BMI.

(Before I go on, let me add in a side note:  My children have an EXCELLENT pediatrician who was very careful to talk just to me about this as to not birth any self-esteem issues in my daughter who to the average joe looked relatively healthy....not fat, maybe a little thick, but by no means fat!  And I'm so grateful to him for his caution in approaching the subject!)

I left the office that day and sat in my car and took a good look at myself.  For one of the first times, I realized I needed to make a choice.  I could choose to continue down the path I was leading my children, OR I could choose better for them.

Up until this point, 9 times out of 10 I would let my past win.  I would let the hurt and the anger and raw emotions of all that happened to me get the best of me!  I was allowing those pathetic jerks, who forever changed my life, to continue dictating the path I was on because I didn't think I deserved any better for myself.  I was being a victim in my own life.

And had it only been affecting me, there is a chance this story would have been totally different.  However, that day I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that the obesity was going to stop with me!  I realized I put my family (and myself) through enough already, now....a decade later I needed to finish fixing what I started when I ran that marathon to heal.  You see, I had released the hurt and the pain and the anger when I trained for that marathon.  But I never had been able to fix my "deserve level."

I can honestly say, thanks to my children and husband I realized I did deserve more!  They also deserved more!  They deserved a mom and wife who looked forward to living.  They deserved a mom and wife who was teaching them healthy coping mechanisms, rather than the garbage I'd been showing them for far too long!

And that's where the journey began...slowly.

And while the journey is still in progress, yesterday became a milestone that for YEARS felt so out of reach!  Sure, it might just be a number on the scale to some...but to me, I can look in the mirror today and FINALLY say I am healthy again after a decade of suffering guilt, anger, remorse, frustration, loneliness, embarrassment, shame, and so much more!

 I finally hit 159.5 which puts me at a healthy weight again for the first time in my life since I was raped!

The emotions I felt (and am still feeling) as I saw that number on the scale were so overwhelming!  (The tears still stream down my face now!)

Everyone has different reasons for why they do what they do.  And no matter what the reason was that you gained weight, you have the power to stand up and change!  It may feel hard.  It may seem unrealistic.  But I promise, I PROMISE!  Each of you has the power to determine your own success story!

Don't let things from your past determine who you are today, and who you will be tomorrow!  I allowed my past to dictate my life for far too many years!  Years that I will never get back!  And now today, seeing where I've pushed myself to physically...I know I am strong.  I know I can can accomplish hard things!

(just for side by side comparison)

While I couldn't say this 10 years ago, I can today:  Life is good today!  And I am in love with the life I have.  Sure, it is still hard...LOTS!  But it is good, and I feel so blessed to be living the life I have!  Crappy things happen to all of us!  ALL OF US!  But the true determination of character is who we become from our past, how we let it shape our lives!

It is never to late to take back control in your life....NEVER!

My To Do List. (Post edit)

Post Edit....I finished the run.  And surprisingly, I felt REALLY GOOD running today!  I can tell I'm getting stronger.  And I can see my pace getting better!  I've gone from a 15:44 pace when I first started tracing my pace (1 week into the C25K) on July 9th to a 12:48 pace today!  Not too shabby.

I don't want to run this morning.  I don't want to run this morning.  I DON'T want to run this morning!!

Did you hear me?

So instead, I decided to jump on here and whine to y'all about it.

I'm supposed to be doing week 5 C25K...what does that mean?  I'll tell you.
It means I am supposed to do a:
5 minute warm up walk.
Then, I'm supposed to run 5 minutes straight.
After, I'll walk for 3 minutes,
followed immediately by a 6 minute run.
I get a short 3 minute walk again.
Then its back to a 5 minute run!
Lastly, I cool down for 5 min.

I posted it for all to read because I need to have a plan.  My plan is to come back and edit this post with a check mark for this task on my To Do list.

Here goes nothing...if I can do hard things, you all better push yourself further today too!!!
I'm just sayin.........

NSV

I had a pretty great NSV today (non-scale-victory)!. I was getting dressed, trying to find something to wear.  The day was a bit hazy and had lots of cloud coverage.  I decided to opt for jeans.  Then, I hesitated.

You see, I remembered that just a week ago I went through my closet and got rid of all my larger jeans...all of them.  I kept only my 10's.  (I have none smaller than 10 at this point.)

I was bummed.  Jeans sounded comfy, but I knew my 10's had gotten to be to little...I couldn't even button them up the last time I tried.

I hesitated.  I didn't know if I could take the disappointment of not fitting into clothes...after all, you read my last post, I'm on a freaking roller coaster!  And, it's not like I've dropped a ton of weight so far...

But, I decided to throw caution into the wind.  I tried them on.  (And I even took a picture...I need to take more pictures along this journey to remember where I have been each step of the way!)

They are definitely snug, but they are also buttoned!  And I'm wearing them!  Sure, I might have a muffin top...but I don't care today.  I earned that muffin top.  Sure, people won't realize that the jeans that are a bit too tight are too tight because I've been working my ass off to fit in them again.  Some might even think... 'oh, she's had a bit too much to eat' or 'doesn't she know she should be wearing a size bigger?'

FORGET THEM!

You see, I know they are tight.  But that propels me forward.  Right now, I'm celebrating that I'm a 10 again!  Next step...to say goodbye to the double digits.  Whoa.  Haven't seen an 8 since high school!

No matter what

Today I lost my motivation.

I had such a hard time finding the desire to get my work-out on.  I laid in bed longer than usual, and by the time I was up I was thinking about making an excuse to put it off.

It's true what they say...the first step into your run is always the hardest!

I remembered a cute little song from Martina McBride.  The song talks a lot about excuses people can make for not doing this...but ultimately we need to Do it Anyway!

So I did.

I popped in my headphones and began and I am so glad that I did.  Not only did I do it, but I pushed myself harder today.  Maybe it was the music I was listening to that motivated me, maybe it was the scale.  Or maybe, it was just me.

I got pretty emotional today as a song came on.  It's a cheesy song.  (But you'll learn that I'm quite the cheese ball!)  But today as I was trying to push myself harder than I have so far, I was really letting the words sink in:

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreaming 
But there's a voice inside my head saying 

'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking,

Every move I make feels lost with no direction

My faith is shakin

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

~The Climb, Miley Cyrus

I cried.

That pretty much sums up a lot of why I was struggling this morning.  I have head issues, and sometimes they are difficult to get past!  

It's stupid, really!  I mean I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sometimes.  Somedays I have no doubts where I'm going.  Somedays I can almost feel myself at a healthier weight.  Then, there are days like this morning.  Days when it feels so far.  Days when it feels too hard.

There are moments when I start wondering if it's really worth it.  Crazy, huh?!  But as Miley says, I gotta keep my head held high!  I have got to keep trying.  

Because I have to believe that in the end, it will be worth it.  It will be worth every step I've taken, every ounce of sweat, every sore muscle, every tear I've shed, every dessert I've passed up...

It's just gotta be worth it!

(Side note:  I've been tracking my average pace this week while doing the couch-to-10K app.  I am super excited that from Monday I've stepped up my pace by 2 minutes!

Monday 7/9/12:  15:44 min/mile

Wednesday 7/11/12:  14:26 min/mile

Friday 7/13/12:  13:47 min/mile

All three run/walks were the exact same...I just upped my speed each time.  I'm hoping by the time I'm ready for the 10K portion of this (at the end of the 14 weeks) that my pace will be a lot closer to 10:00 min/miles....or GASP, even in the 9:00's!)

Feelings

So I have a lot of feelings running through my head.

Most of them start with embarrassed and end with humiliated.

You see I have really been stupid.

I have worked hard and as of late I have just plain old given up.

I might as well have thrown in the towel.

Yep.

Humiliated just about covers it.

I mean, really!  Who loses like 70 pounds so they can stand up, clear their throat and whisper...I've gained back almost 30 of it.

Seriously.

I wasn't even going to post that.  Truthfully, I was going to make the blog private to talk about this.  THAT is how embarrassing it is to own up to this.  It makes me mad.  I makes me want to cry.  It even makes me want to give up and scarf down the cookies in my pantry.

I was ridiculously embarrassed when I had gained 12 pounds...then 15...then 17.  Now I don't even want to face myself let alone anyone who MIGHT happen to read this.

Yes, I could justify the big gains with school, husband gone all the time, going on a cruise.

But really...they are all excuses.  If I'm being honest...and honest is what I need to be...then the truth is I have been making some really sucky decisions lately.  I'm tempted to start WW again...but it costs a lot of moolah, and I don't feel it's something I can budget in right now.  ($50/month)

So this is on me.  On my shoulders.  I have to go back to why I did this to begin with.  I have to refocus on setting a better example...because lately I've been doing a pretty terrible job.

I am done living in the past.  Yes, I was down in the 150's for a 1/2 second.  I was in the 160's even longer!!  Now I'm not.  Now I'm back in the 180's GASP.  I think the world might end now that I've said that out loud.  (Seriously, you have no idea how terribly hard it is for me to admit I've gained THAT MUCH back!)  (And it's not even the low 180's....we're talking mid to high 80's!  We're talking stand on the scale with tears in my eyes asking myself why, why, WHY!?

I mean really....who does that?  Who just throws their hands in the air and turns their back to the scale.....pretending it doesn't exist?

I did.

But not anymore.

I figure I can either start playing the game of hardball ....or I have to be okay with being fat.

I will NEVER be okay with being fat.

The fat girl inside of me tries to trick me when I'm most vulnerable though.  She tells me, "It's not all that bad...really, it's only a few pounds here and a few there."

SHE LIES!

Having excess weight is terrible.  Sure, for vain reasons.  But right now Alisha...right this second remember the difference you are feeling in your breathing.  Remember how awful it feels to walk into your closet knowing all your clothes USED to fit.  Now, I search for baggy....unfortunately, sweatshirts don't really fly when it's like 100 degrees outside!

So yes.  That girl lies to you to make herself feel better.  You do not want her to feel better.  You should not feel good at all about where you are.  Take where you are right now and make it better tomorrow...and next week.  Figure this crap out.

Today.  I am back.  I am not quitting.  I am not quitting on myself.  Not today, not ever.  This may take me a lot longer that I had originally planned, but I will not quit on myself.  I wasn't raised a quitter, I'm not raising quitters, and I'm surely not a quitter!

Today.  I am back.  Watch out.

Shopping.

I faced my anxiety. My hubby took me shopping. It's amazing the difference a pair of jeans that fit makes!

I will say that I was close to hyperventilating though. As I grabbed the "10's" and was about to put them on, I was scared. I haven't been in 10's in more than 10 years!!




But they fit. Comfortably too. With a very, very minimal muffin to go along with them.

10 years! Ten years and I'm finally down to a 10 again! Can you believe that the next size = single digits!? Who woulda thunk it...