Why I do this...

I thought it might be fitting to put together a post of explanation.  You see, there is a contest going on and there are some questions arising about who I am, and what am I about.  I'd like to take a moment to explain.

Basically, I want YOU to know why THIS CONTEST means so much to me.....

As you might have noticed, I started my journey well in to the 200's....233.9 to be exact.

But my journey started way before I ever hit that number.  Many of my readers already know the big events (believe me, there are some doozies!) that have happened in my life leading up to my significant weight loss.  I detailed them in the MY STORY section.
(go catch up, I'll wait.....)

Here is what I really want you to know about me....

I am a girl who fought with the inner fat girl for years.  I wanted to be thin.  I wanted to lose weight.  I wanted to look great in that bikini.  I wanted to feel attractive both in clothes, and out of them!  Yet the want was never enough to propel me forward.  Instead, I would try all the quick fixes...I would tell myself I'd start tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  That day never came.  I'd eat fast food like it was going out of business!  (Some days I'd even stop at multiple food joints and then discard the "evidence" before I ever got home.)  The scale went higher, my clothes got tighter.  I was ashamed.

I couldn't stand to look in the mirror, let alone take a picture!  (Hence the reason I have so few "before" pictures to choose from...)

I even was at the point that I thought I was destined to be "big" forever.  I tried to hide in the back of rooms, I dreaded the thought of actually being noticed!

And then something clicked inside my head.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I figured out that I actually had control of my life.  I actually had control of what I did, what I ate, of everything!  I realized that for too long I had been hiding my emotions in the food I was eating.  I realized I needed to take back control of my own life...a control that I thought was taken from me all those years ago when I was raped.

I realized that I had learned to use food to cope.  To cope when I was sad, when I was happy, when I was depressed, when I was angry, when I was PMS-ing.  I was addicted to food, and lots of food!  And as I took a step back, I realized this food addiction was being taught to those I loved most in this world.....my children!

So what I wouldn't do for myself, I began doing for them.  Slowly, I started making changes.  Mostly with my food in the beginning.  I was careful to track what I ate.  I am completely convinced that losing weight is 80% what you put in your mouth and 20% what activity you do.  I began eating more vegetables than I've ever eaten in my entire life!  (I'm not kidding!)  Then, I added in walking (NOT running).  (Running was too painful at the size I was at!)  Slowly the scale started moving.  The more the scale moved, the more focused I became.

And you're waiting for a wahlah, everything was perfect ever since..........right?

Well, you have the wrong blog.  You see, this blog is all about life being in progress for good....and that applies to my journey (as well as yours!).  I have fallen down so many times I have lost count.  My knees are bloody.  I have wanted to quit over and over again.  But here I am, because I decided to stand up one more time than I have fallen (and I will continue to do that WHEN I fall again!).

 (Me, this past week wearing a YOUTH large)

You see, we all are going to fall.  We all are going to have slip-ups.  It's life.  It happens.  The key is how you decide to react to those set-backs.  For too long, I'd use the set-backs as an excuse to "quit."  Not realizing that each set-back we have in life makes us stronger!

So why is this contest so important to me?  Probably the same reason this blog is so important to me!  Because I have the FIRM BELIEF that YOU have the ability to become your best self too.  And if reading my story, and the hell I've had to overcome, helps motivate even just ONE PERSON I feel it's worth it.  I want YOU to know that it IS possible.  I don't care if you've tried 2039482304820439820 times in the past to lose weight, YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FUTURE!

Did you hear me?  Because I'm speaking from my heart here...your past, no matter what it is, does not determine who you are to become!

What does determine your future is what you do TODAY!  Are you going to take steps forward today to paint the future you want for yourself?  Or are you going to just "wish" that "one day" you "might" get there.

You can do this, just as I have, and just as so many others have!  You are powerful, and have the strength to do hard things!  So please, put your head down....your blinders on....and start moving in the direction you want to be!

What's in a number?

I have said many times that I will not let the scale dictate who I am as a person!
We are certainly more than any number given...

However, there are moments in my journey when that number means a lot!  There are moments when that number defines, in some way, who we have become.

When I started this journey, that number defined me at 233 pounds.  (I'm 5'7)  This put me at severely obese, I even read on one chart that I was morbidly obese.

I was fat.  I liked food a lot.  Like, a lot, a lot!  I didn't exercise.  Like ever.

I would be out of breath climbing one flight of stairs!  I would never get down on the floor to play with my kids because I couldn't sit comfortably with all my fat bulging (not to mention I was too tired!).  My wardrobe consisted of sweatshirt hoodies and stretchy exercise pants most of the time.  (That I wore because they had an elastic waist, NOT to exercise in...)  I did have 2 pairs of pant that "fit"...and by "fit" I mean I could button up if I sucked in really hard and held my breath while the waist band pinched off all feeling creating a rather large muffin top.

I remember how awful I felt.  I remember hating mirrors.  I would NEVER look in them!  I was miserable.  I felt stuck.

One might question how a person gets that way.  I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you that for me food was my comfort.  I hated myself.  HATED MYSELF!  I had repressed a lot of emotional garbage.

For years (10 years to be exact) I allowed the self-hate and the self-blame from being raped affect me.  You see, I decided all those 10 years ago (11 now...) that I didn't deserve anything out of life.  I decided I was damaged goods after everything that happened to me.  Over the years I ignored my feelings, I ignored myself.  I ate to numb the hurt and pain that was too difficult to face.  Eventually, it began affecting every aspect of my life!  I would even try to self-sabotage relationships when I felt I didn't deserve to be in them...luckily I have an amazing husband that never left my side through it all!

I had let myself become the girl that ate upwards of 3,000-4,000 calories a day at times (maybe more...I stopped counting).  I had let myself become the girl that would go through 3 different fast food drive-thrus for 3 different dinners...then be so ashamed and embarrassed that I would stop at a dumpster before heading home to get rid of the "evidence."  Because if my husband never knew, it must have never happened....right?

I was the girl that could eat a whole carton of ice cream without thinking about it!  I was the girl that would eat a 4th and 5th meal every night!

I was the girl that was so sad at who I had become that I just kept spiraling downward.

Then.  It hit me.  Like a million bricks!  I took my daughter into the doctor for a well-child check up where he told me that if I wasn't careful, her growth pattern would continue down a very bleak road.  He showed me the graph.  We followed the pattern, and by age 18 she was set to be at a 36 BMI.

(Before I go on, let me add in a side note:  My children have an EXCELLENT pediatrician who was very careful to talk just to me about this as to not birth any self-esteem issues in my daughter who to the average joe looked relatively healthy....not fat, maybe a little thick, but by no means fat!  And I'm so grateful to him for his caution in approaching the subject!)

I left the office that day and sat in my car and took a good look at myself.  For one of the first times, I realized I needed to make a choice.  I could choose to continue down the path I was leading my children, OR I could choose better for them.

Up until this point, 9 times out of 10 I would let my past win.  I would let the hurt and the anger and raw emotions of all that happened to me get the best of me!  I was allowing those pathetic jerks, who forever changed my life, to continue dictating the path I was on because I didn't think I deserved any better for myself.  I was being a victim in my own life.

And had it only been affecting me, there is a chance this story would have been totally different.  However, that day I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that the obesity was going to stop with me!  I realized I put my family (and myself) through enough already, now....a decade later I needed to finish fixing what I started when I ran that marathon to heal.  You see, I had released the hurt and the pain and the anger when I trained for that marathon.  But I never had been able to fix my "deserve level."

I can honestly say, thanks to my children and husband I realized I did deserve more!  They also deserved more!  They deserved a mom and wife who looked forward to living.  They deserved a mom and wife who was teaching them healthy coping mechanisms, rather than the garbage I'd been showing them for far too long!

And that's where the journey began...slowly.

And while the journey is still in progress, yesterday became a milestone that for YEARS felt so out of reach!  Sure, it might just be a number on the scale to some...but to me, I can look in the mirror today and FINALLY say I am healthy again after a decade of suffering guilt, anger, remorse, frustration, loneliness, embarrassment, shame, and so much more!

 I finally hit 159.5 which puts me at a healthy weight again for the first time in my life since I was raped!

The emotions I felt (and am still feeling) as I saw that number on the scale were so overwhelming!  (The tears still stream down my face now!)

Everyone has different reasons for why they do what they do.  And no matter what the reason was that you gained weight, you have the power to stand up and change!  It may feel hard.  It may seem unrealistic.  But I promise, I PROMISE!  Each of you has the power to determine your own success story!

Don't let things from your past determine who you are today, and who you will be tomorrow!  I allowed my past to dictate my life for far too many years!  Years that I will never get back!  And now today, seeing where I've pushed myself to physically...I know I am strong.  I know I can can accomplish hard things!

(just for side by side comparison)

While I couldn't say this 10 years ago, I can today:  Life is good today!  And I am in love with the life I have.  Sure, it is still hard...LOTS!  But it is good, and I feel so blessed to be living the life I have!  Crappy things happen to all of us!  ALL OF US!  But the true determination of character is who we become from our past, how we let it shape our lives!

It is never to late to take back control in your life....NEVER!

Finally, a break through.

My scale is going down again.  Finally!

It's amazing how that works...
when you don't track what you're eating and you don't exercise, the scale goes up!
when you track what you eat and you DO exercise, the scale goes down.

It's MAGIC, I'll tell ya...MAGIC!  :)

I'm not down huge amounts, but down is down!  Tomorrow is weigh in.  I'm not sure if I'll be down on their scale or not.  I have yet to have an "up week" at WW, so I'm hoping I can work hard and get to where I was last week!  Tomorrow, I will let you know!

My plan for today...workout!  Lots!  I'm hoping to get 2.5 hours in at least!  Nap times are good for something!  I should probably clean my house, but that can wait...I have an important deadline!  :)

Have I mentioned...I am going on a boating trip?  Well, I probably am.  Over Labor Day.  That gives me 4 weeks to shed as much extra poundage as possible.  That means in 4 weeks...it's swimming suit time, again.

I can do it!  So my hope by then....to see the 60's!  That's pretty ambitious!  But I'd love it...even if it's just 169.9 I'd be happy!  I haven't been in the 60's since BEFORE I was married!  Wouldn't that be an awesome accomplishment!?

On a side note, I found a really cool site today.  You can make your own avatar.  It lets you put in your height, weight, build, etc.  Then it shows what you "look like."  So I input my info for before (at my biggest) my current (size now) and my after (goal weight).  Here they are side by side...

 (Sorry about the quality!)

Kinda fun to see the progress from where I was to where I'm going!

My before

I stumbled across a picture of me probably at my biggest.  I can't be for sure, because I don't really know when I hit my highest number, I just know it was spring of last year.  This picture was taken in March of 2010 at Disneyland.

YUCK!

The funny thing is that I have always liked this picture with the girls.  And I really didn't think I was "that big" until I looked at it again today.  I can sure tell a difference though!

And just to compare the two side by side...

I think there's a big difference, but maybe that's just me...

I am starting a weight loss challenge this next week with a dear friend, Sam Crowther.  It will be running from July 25th through October 31st.  The winner gets a LOT of moolah!  (probably in the area of $600!)  Jason and I are both going to join so hopefully we can win!!  :)

It got me wondering though, the challenge is going to be based off % lost.  So I wondered what my % lost to this point was.  So I calculated it....22.16%!!  

I was kinda surprised!  That seems like SO MUCH!  I remember watching "The Biggest Loser" and seeing some of those contestants never even hit that high.  I had an "atta-girl" moment!  :)  

Which...if you are wondering, I kinda needed!  Because vacation is still just as hard!  I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to come home with a weight loss....ugh.  But I have to keep at it, and start fresh every day.  I'm trying!  I even went and bought fresh sugar snap peas yesterday to munch on.  I just hope I'm doing enough to counteract my diet while I'm away!  I know if I come home up it's going to be tough mentally...I don't even want to go there!  No matter what the scale shows though, I have already decided to hold myself accountable and go weigh in at WW that first week.  I am just PRAYING I'm still under my 10%!  I REALLY want my award!  :)