Friday, August 22, 2014

Reality Hurts

There are times I make some lofty goals.  
You know, the whole dream big concept.
Only, I fall.  Or fail.
Or both.

Today is August 22nd.
I'm not even close to where I wanted to be.
Not on the scale, not on the miles on runs.

Honestly, I've been hiding from the truth.
I've been avoiding the whole come clean process.

Sure, I could fill this blog with some very valid excuses.
I could sit and tell you all how hard August has been.
I could tell you about my job and the crazy hours/days I've been working.
I could tell you about so much that has been happening (mentally and physically).

But where will that get me?

I don't want pity.  I don't want a way out.
I definitely don't need someone excusing my behavior.

Because frankly, my behavior has stunk.
Sure, I've been busy.  Who isn't?!
But I could have found opportunities to make the time for what's important.
I could have sucked it up and made it happen.

But here I am, wishing I would have.

And this feeling sucks.

I was supposed to be working to lose weight to head to Marco Island in December with Jason.  (Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)
I was supposed to be working hard to run and train for the St. George Marathon.
(Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)

Neither has happened.  I am most certainly not where I planned to be.
I'm embarrassed, I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated.

Dare I say it, part of me even wants to quit.
It's easier to just quit, you know.  It's easier to pretend like I don't care.

But the thing is, I do care.
I care about achieving goals I have set.

I'm not crazy enough to believe I still have a chance at hitting my goal by September 6th to buy my ticket to Marco Island.  And I'm not about to buy it anyway, just because I want to go and can afford the ticket.  I truly don't feel I've worked for it.  I've seen the work Jason has put in.  (Holy smokes, he's looking good as she shrinks away...)  It wouldn't be right for me to assume I can just go despite not putting in my end of the deal.

Does that mean I quit?  Does that mean I give up?

I may not get to Marco Island, but was that the end goal?  No.  It would have been a nice perk!  But the end goal is finding myself again after this pregnancy.  The end goal is getting my healthy body back again.  And I owe it to my kids, my family, and myself to keep pushing for that.

Now about this other lofty goal....the marathon.

I'm not even going to pretend I'm going to be ready like I hoped.
I won't.
I haven't put in the miles to even consider making a "time" goal for the race.
So here I am.  Throwing it all out the window.
I'm determined to start that race.  And I'm going to give it every last ounce of effort I have within me to finish.  I will leave it all out there on the road that day.

And between now and then, I'm going to gain some laser focus.  A wise friend (who consequently is also running this race with me) reminded me today to stop beating myself up.  To stop thinking about what I haven't accomplished, and focus instead on what I have.  To focus instead on the time I have left and not let it slip away.

So here I go.

I make no promises.

I am making no loft, dream big goals.

My only goal right now is to focus each hour of the day, because at this point...that seems pretty hard to do!

Everything starts with a choice, right?  So each choice I make, the question will be....'will this bring me closer to finishing the marathon, or will this set me back?"

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