Friday, August 17, 2012

The day I cried.

Have you ever cried when you put clothes on?  I have.  Remember THIS post?  Sure, the picture was taken in 2009 but I remember that day in my closet like it was yesterday.  I remember those feelings.  I remember how embarrassed I was!  I remember asking myself how I ever let it get THIS bad!  At that moment all the pants I had were 18's and none of them fit.  I was easily a 20...maybe even a 22.  I was just in denial.  So, like that post said, instead of facing the truth...I grabbed maternity pants.  I can still feel the shame from that day!  I still get the same anxiety and sadness when I see that picture.  You see, although I may have a smile on my face...the pain cut deep.

At that point in my life I thought it was too late.  I thought I would NEVER be able to get back into what I wore in high school.  I thought those dreams were too big.  I packed them away, deep inside where it hurt the most!  I pretended I was okay.  I pretended it didn't matter.  I pretended because I didn't think I was strong enough to do anything about it.

Fast forward.

I cried again today.  Only not out of shame or embarrassment.  Not because I was sick of what I'd let myself become.  The tears I cried today were real, and they were victorious.

I did not cry them in my closet.  Instead, I cried them in a dressing room at American Eagle.

I was at the mall today, and on a whim I decided to stop in and try on jeans.

Trying on jeans is a big ordeal for me.  I get anxiety about it because of where my weight USED to be.  I still remember taking in jeans and trying on the biggest size a store had and they not fit.  I remember the feeling of being defeated by jeans.  I have always hated trying on jeans for this reason.  (Even after I have lost 60 plus pounds, the feeling are not forgotten!)

Today I was feeling particularly brave.

And I'm so glad I was!

Today was the day I fit into 8's.  EIGHTS!

(of course I bought them!!!)

Some might not think that is a very big accomplishment.  Let me be frank.  I have not worn a size eight since I was in high school (FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!)

Fourteen years people.  Fourteen years...that's almost 1/2 my life ago!

(I may, or may not, be tearing up even now thinking about where I have worked to be...)

I want to scream it from the roof tops...I WEAR A SIZE EIGHT!  Not because I want the attention or the recognition.  (Although, blog comments are always accepted.)  :)  I want to scream it from the roof tops because if there is even one person that can relate to those feelings I had in the closet, if there is even one person that can relate to what it feels like to be ashamed of letting yourself go....I want YOU to know it IS possible to change!

I doubted myself for a long time, don't waste time doubting yourself.  It is possible.  Is it easy?  No.  (I'll be honest!)  But it is so damn worth it!


So if you are starting back in your own closet in best advice:  take it one day at a time!  Know that it's not going to be easy, but tell yourself you are worth the hard work!  Only you can do it, only you can realize you are important enough.  Then, take it one day (or one hour) at a time.  CONSISTENCY!  That's the magic pill people.  Be consistent and do NOT let yourself make excuses!  I promise, you want to feel this amazing rush of your own "size eight."


  1. Congratulations on the 8's!! I so know the feeling of standing in the closet with nothing to wear. I'm currently limited to 3 paris of capris and a half dozen shirts I can squeeze in to and it is NOT fun!

    Thank you for the inspiration and keep going!

    1. I couldn't respond by email to your comment, but I wanted to thank you! Girl, I was right there with you...trying to squeeze into the biggest sizes I had! Trust me, it feels so much better squeezing into the SMALLEST sizes you have! :) Keep at it...

  2. Whoop for 8's!!! That is absolutely amazing! So inspiring :)

  3. That is so awesome!!!! Congratulations!! Keep it up!

    1. Lyndsay Fraser! Thank you. Kinda weird when people I knew from high school read this...and maybe a little embarrassing to put it out there how much I let myself go. :) Thanks for your encouragement though!

  4. That's amazing... congrats! American Eagle jeans are my favorite but they only go up to size 14 and I'm now an 18! :( One of the goals I think about all the time is going into AE and finally getting new ones!

  5. That is amazing!!! Good for you and keep it up!


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