Working hard to overcome me.

This past week I worked my behind off!  Really, I did!

I pushed myself hard on the running app.  I chose food carefully almost the entire week!  We even had a little date night at Applebee's, and instead of opting for my usual (something with delicious mashed potatoes!) I opted for a salad...dressing on the side.  I was surprised, I actually ate very little of the dressing!  Yay!

Then, there was Saturday night...we opted for Cafe Rio, and I was STARVING!  That was my one weak moment this past week.  I gave in to the pork salad.  It won.  And I'm not even going to lie, it was delicious!

I weighed myself before Saturday though...and it seems all of the hard work I was doing was not registering with my body!  So, I've opted to skip a week on the scale.  Not because I've been bad, but because I've been super good this past week (minus my one transgression).  You see, even after eating Cafe Rio, I pushed myself physically to make up for it.  I started wearing my Nike Fuel Band again, and this was the result of JUST SATURDAY:

That's right...I had over 20,000 STEPS for the day!  I burned 1,734 calories!  (Yes, my daily average is low..I haven't been wearing it all month...)  But it was my BEST DAY YET for the app!  I ran on the treadmill, I busted myself around the house cleaning all day, I walked that night outside, and I ran again!  Seriously, I'm still sore from Saturday!  So my little Cafe Rio slip up was not such a slip up...you see, I still have to eat the things I love.  Just not all the time!  

But, back to my scale dilemma.  After working hard all week, focusing on my running...focusing on my eating...I'm afraid if I step on the scale and don't see a significant loss I will be crushed!  I know the work isn't always seen immediately, but it should be!  And it's discouraging if I don't see it.  And right now I'm kinda fragile.  So I'm going to work hard again this week....then I PROMISE I will post a weight next Tuesday come good or bad!

I am feeling too good right now when I run to jeopardize stupid head games!  The weight will fall off eventually, I'm confident...but I know I haven't been consistent for very long yet, therefore my body needs to catch up to my work.  (Call it an excuse if you want...but I don't think it is.)  (I think it's me realizing the scale can't always determine me, and I have to overcome that side of me...)

NSV

I had a pretty great NSV today (non-scale-victory)!. I was getting dressed, trying to find something to wear.  The day was a bit hazy and had lots of cloud coverage.  I decided to opt for jeans.  Then, I hesitated.

You see, I remembered that just a week ago I went through my closet and got rid of all my larger jeans...all of them.  I kept only my 10's.  (I have none smaller than 10 at this point.)

I was bummed.  Jeans sounded comfy, but I knew my 10's had gotten to be to little...I couldn't even button them up the last time I tried.

I hesitated.  I didn't know if I could take the disappointment of not fitting into clothes...after all, you read my last post, I'm on a freaking roller coaster!  And, it's not like I've dropped a ton of weight so far...

But, I decided to throw caution into the wind.  I tried them on.  (And I even took a picture...I need to take more pictures along this journey to remember where I have been each step of the way!)

They are definitely snug, but they are also buttoned!  And I'm wearing them!  Sure, I might have a muffin top...but I don't care today.  I earned that muffin top.  Sure, people won't realize that the jeans that are a bit too tight are too tight because I've been working my ass off to fit in them again.  Some might even think... 'oh, she's had a bit too much to eat' or 'doesn't she know she should be wearing a size bigger?'

FORGET THEM!

You see, I know they are tight.  But that propels me forward.  Right now, I'm celebrating that I'm a 10 again!  Next step...to say goodbye to the double digits.  Whoa.  Haven't seen an 8 since high school!

No matter what

Today I lost my motivation.

I had such a hard time finding the desire to get my work-out on.  I laid in bed longer than usual, and by the time I was up I was thinking about making an excuse to put it off.

It's true what they say...the first step into your run is always the hardest!

I remembered a cute little song from Martina McBride.  The song talks a lot about excuses people can make for not doing this...but ultimately we need to Do it Anyway!

So I did.

I popped in my headphones and began and I am so glad that I did.  Not only did I do it, but I pushed myself harder today.  Maybe it was the music I was listening to that motivated me, maybe it was the scale.  Or maybe, it was just me.

I got pretty emotional today as a song came on.  It's a cheesy song.  (But you'll learn that I'm quite the cheese ball!)  But today as I was trying to push myself harder than I have so far, I was really letting the words sink in:

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreaming 
But there's a voice inside my head saying 

'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking,

Every move I make feels lost with no direction

My faith is shakin

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

~The Climb, Miley Cyrus

I cried.

That pretty much sums up a lot of why I was struggling this morning.  I have head issues, and sometimes they are difficult to get past!  

It's stupid, really!  I mean I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sometimes.  Somedays I have no doubts where I'm going.  Somedays I can almost feel myself at a healthier weight.  Then, there are days like this morning.  Days when it feels so far.  Days when it feels too hard.

There are moments when I start wondering if it's really worth it.  Crazy, huh?!  But as Miley says, I gotta keep my head held high!  I have got to keep trying.  

Because I have to believe that in the end, it will be worth it.  It will be worth every step I've taken, every ounce of sweat, every sore muscle, every tear I've shed, every dessert I've passed up...

It's just gotta be worth it!

(Side note:  I've been tracking my average pace this week while doing the couch-to-10K app.  I am super excited that from Monday I've stepped up my pace by 2 minutes!

Monday 7/9/12:  15:44 min/mile

Wednesday 7/11/12:  14:26 min/mile

Friday 7/13/12:  13:47 min/mile

All three run/walks were the exact same...I just upped my speed each time.  I'm hoping by the time I'm ready for the 10K portion of this (at the end of the 14 weeks) that my pace will be a lot closer to 10:00 min/miles....or GASP, even in the 9:00's!)

What's cookin?

I guess you could say me, considering this was the temperature reading from my car yesterday...

But that's not what this cooking post is about.

It's about me, Alisha, actually cooking something healthy for my family. 

Yes, I know you are thinking...'how could pizza every be considered healthy'

The secret: 

no, it's not the pepperonis, 

no...it's not the low-fat cheese

but YES!  It is all in the cauliflower crust I made.

Yes peeps, you read that right.  This crust was made exclusively from ground up cauliflower + one egg + a little cheese.

Yesterday was my families first time trying it.

Me, well, I had my first taste when I was up in Salt Lake visiting my family.  

You see, my amazing brother has turned into quite the health nut!

(And it's done him well...he's down like 50+ pounds...maybe up to 60 by now...since May)

(Just know he's shrinking, and he's smaller than I ever remember him!)

You might be asking how he's done it, because I know I sure grilled him!

He's been super careful with what he eats mostly.  

Yes, he's added in walking a lot of nights...but he has realized that losing weight is almost exclusively in regards to what you eat!  

Sure, exercise is important...and I'm not trying to down play that!  But really you aren't doing much for yourself if you aren't eating healthy for your body.

PHEW, that was a keyboard full.

Now, back to the pizza...

When I ate the pizza, I was super surprised and impressed!  

I thought it was DELICIOUS!

So I bought the ingredients and decided to make it for my family.

I will be honest with their reactions...

Jason:  watched me make it....took a bite and gave me an ick face.

Tata:  did NOT watch me make it...took a first bite, loved it.  Took more bites and said she did not like it.  (Kind of a usual conversation about food at our house.) (But she ended up finishing both of her slices.)

Monkey:  also did NOT watch me make it...took a first bite, also LOVED it.  Took more bites, and more bites.  Finished her whole 2 slices, then when I asked if she liked it she said no.  (hmmmmm.)

ConMan:  it wouldn't have mattered if he did watch me make it...he took a bite when it was fresh out of the oven and he didn't like the texture.  After I let it cool on the pizza stone, I tried again.  He ate all I had to give him.

(Note:  ConMan is my LEAST picky eater...infact, he will eat pretty much anything...dog food included.)

(Second Note:  Tata is my PICKIEST eater!  It is a battle every night at the dinner table with her.)

(Third Note:  If your husband doesn't like cauliflower, my advice...don't let him watch you make this!  He will have a preconceived opinion.)

Set backs...

I stepped on the scale today, only to be greeted by a minor set back.  But set backs are a set up for a come back...right?

Nah, it wasn't that bad.  I was up almost a pound...but I know my body.  I know that as the week goes my weight fluctuates up and down a bit...then by Monday night I usually see a good drop if I've been working hard.

At my last annual check up (almost a year ago) my doctor told me that no one will see a straight downward loss.  It is a well known fact that it will look more like this:

(source)

So yeah, I know that by weighing myself everyday I will see the scale on it's little bumps along the road.  After all...what road is completely smooth?  I've not found one, so I welcome the little bumps...as long as my slope is downward!

Onto better news for the day.  My workout went great.  I'm really loving my time on the treadmill.  Jason comes home today and I'm even more excited that the next 4 days I can take my workout outside in the mornings...you know, before the temperature reaches insane heights like it did yesterday!  (111!)

As of right now my app says I should be at 3000 steps for the day (in order to be on track to hit 12,000).  Right now I'm at 5847 and counting.  I've realized getting my workouts in during the morning hours is critical for me!  If I don't, I keep putting it off and eventually shrug my shoulders in defeat.  I've realized how much better my days are going by forcing myself on the treadmill...it's addicting, you should try it!

Learning the difference in fueling and filling...

Remember yesterday?  Remember how I wanted to break the 3 pound weight loss for the week?

Great news...

I'm down 3.7 POUNDS from last Tuesday!

I worked hard to shed that 3.7 pounds...ALL 3.7 pounds of it!

What did I do?  I got back to the routine that works for me.

I counted my steps, I did my 10K app workout 3 times, I was careful what I put in my mouth, I drank insane amounts of water!  I asked myself a lot of questions.....self, are you really hungry?  self, why are you obsessing over food?  self, have you drank enough water?  self, does the food taste better than a size 8 would feel?  (because I haven't been an 8 since I was in high school...)

or self, why are you sabotaging yourself?

Really, I have had a lot of self talks.  (And quite possibly out-loud!)  But if I'm not being frank with myself...if I'm not being honest to me, who will be?  It's my responsibility to keep me in check.  After all, I'm doing this for me you know!

If you read back to when I started this blog, and to my thoughts and feelings behind it...it all comes down to the fact that I have to stop the cycle.  And sadly, I have realized I will always be prone to fall back into old habits.  I have to focus EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. or I will fall back into my fat girl habits.  If I am not careful, my new healthy habits are forgotten and I slip back to my many, many years of fat girl habits.  I'm tired of the fat girl habits.  I hate how easy they are for me to become again!  I hope there is a day that my healthy girl habits replace my fat girl ones....but right now, I'm not at that point!  Right now, I don't trust myself.  Right now, I have to focus every single day so I keep myself from slipping!

Honestly, it's an addiction.  And a horrible one!  There are a lot of bad addictions out there...drugs, drinking, smoking, pornography...and terrible, over-eating, junk food eating is mine!  Here's the bad thing:  With some addictions, you go to rehab and get clean in so many days.  You completely avoid your addiction.  My problem is that ALL FOOD is my addiction!  And I've learned I have to eat.  Therefore, I can't just simply rehab my way out of this.  I have to be even more careful than a drug addict because I have to still take in my addiction, but I need to make sure it's in a healthy way.  I have to continue to teach myself everyday that eating just because something tastes good usually isn't a good thing!  I am trying to learn how to fuel my body with food, rather than fill my body with food.  There is a difference, and I hope eventually it becomes easier to master!

Ultimately, as I battle with this addiction, I hope I master it and teach my children how to avoid it!  I hope that I can fight the battle for them, I hope they can learn the art of fueling their body with food.  Healthy habits are what I'm focusing on EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  Even on the hard days.  And as much as I hope this road gets easier, more mindless for me, in creating healthy habits....there's a part of me that knows I will always struggle with this.  Ultimately, I've tasted the drug.  Ultimately, deep down there is a fat girl inside of me.  And if I don't keep her in check, she will gladly rear her face again and come out to ruin all the work I've done.  I've seen it in the last 6 months!  I've seen how easily the fat girl resurfaces even after I thought I "got it."

So my guard is up, and that is where it will stay.  Indefinitely for now....

Make it Matter Monday

Monday.  I have been known in the past to dread Mondays.  Now, I find them refreshing.  I find them rejuvenating.  I look at Monday's as a fresh start.

Today I stepped on the scale.  I hate my scale.  Not because it gave me a crappy number though.  I hate my scale because it is UNRELIABLE!  I step on, I step off, I step back on and the number is 10 POUNDS different from the first number.  

Really!  I swear. 

I so curse at my scale.

I then go downstairs and log into the wiiFit.  I know that scale is predictable.  So that is where I will be weighing in at least weekly to get my accountable weight.

I know I have been weighing in on Tuesday's...and I'll get the "official" weight tomorrow.  But I HAD to see where I was at today.  

I was pleasantly surprised, considering I raided a stash of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups last night (read: demolished a stash of Reese's PB cups...)  [hangs my head in shame]

So I honestly thought all the work I did this last week would be a lost cause.  It wasn't.

(Remember I said I found some awesome new apps for my phone?  Well these are pics merged into one pic from the different apps...thanks pic stitch!)

So the TactioHealth app is fabulous.  It lets me put in all my current information.  It then asks me to set a goal for myself....GASP!  So I went big, you can see it on the right long picture....you know, that crazy low number that I am shooting to hit by October 31, 2012!  DOUBLE GASP!  It shows me the pounds I have to lose, and the days I have left.  Also, each time I click into the app during the day it gives me step count I should be at...as of 10:19 am I should have 2000 steps (currently, I'm at 108).   But don't worry, as soon as I finish this post I will be on my treadmill making up for lost time......

The graph at the top gives a picture of your weight trends over the last 2 weeks (or in my case from last Tuesday).  There are many other screen shots I could have taken including one that shows my weight history...I'll just give that to you:

Last Tuesday I weighed in at 184.9 pounds....Remember, out of town for almost 3 weeks and that time of the month!?  (Read:  no excuses, I was up and it sucked)

Monday the 9th (today) I weighed in at 182.1 pounds.  Hopefully by tomorrow I can break a 3 pound weight loss for this week!  :)

Lastly, the other picture (the one in the middle...that is so pretty and colorful...) that is from my new best friend.  My 10K runner app...also known as my couch to 10K app.  I already mentioned that I finished my first week, now onto my second.  That picture shows what todays workout will consist of.  (Which is also why I can't be considered a real runner just yet...but I'll get there.)

So now I'm off to get my run/walk on...check back tomorrow to see if I break the 3 pound loss for the week...I promise there will be no self-sabotage with Reese's today!  

Real Runner

I want to be a real runner.

Really.  I do.

And there are some items I REALLY want (read: wish I could justify as needing!).

So until I can be considered a real runner I will dream on about THIS and THIS.

The belt is a lot less expensive and can probably be added to my "gear" sooner than later.  What I love about the belt (read: what I think I'll love about the belt) is that it will hold my iPhone on my run, along with any fuel I might need as I get into longer runs.

And as for the watch.  I will go to bed tonight dreaming about that watch.  Because really, what real runner doesn't want to be able to track their splits?  And what real runner  doesn't want to know their pace?!  But alas, I'm not a real runner  yet.  I have a long ways to go.  Until then, a girl can dream...

I'm a be runnin'

That's right folks.  I'm going to be a runner again.

I downloaded THIS app.

I've completed week one.

Truthfully, it wasn't all that difficult.  But, I promised myself that I would follow the program EXACTLY.  Sometimes, when I start working out...I feel I have to push myself more and more everyday to get better and better results.  Then in a few short weeks I tire out and quit.  I am one who usually feels I have to go "all out" once I start.  I rarely feel satisfied with my efforts and usually feel like I'm not doing enough.

This time, I am telling myself it is okay to follow this program.  It is set up to take me from the couch (where I have been for far too long) to running....RUNNING THE ENTIRE TIME...a 10K.  So I'm okay if the first week was easy-peasy.  I'm okay if it was a walk 1.5 min, run 1 min rotation.  I know it will get harder.  I am NOT overdoing it.  This is a gradual progression into loving running again.

But people, that love is there!   I can feel it.  I'm not quite there yet....but it's coming back!

So for now, I'm okay with the every other day routine.  Sometimes I'll add in some walking on my "off" days.  Sometimes I won't.  I don't feel obligated.  Instead, I applaud myself for the every other day right now.  I am telling me that it is enough, I am doing enough for the moment.  I'm sure I will find a time when I want to up the amount.  (Maybe it will be next week, who knows!)  But for now, I'm going to be proud of the things I do...rather than ragging on myself for not doing enough.

Vacations wear me out

Being home feels good!  Vacations are exhausting!  We were gone about 2 1/2 weeks and enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard making smart food choices!  My mom was having her entire kitchen remodeled...that meant lots of pizza and other eating out.  I was worried about the scale.

I came home last night, and decided to wait till the end of the week to step on the scale officially.  (It's that time of the month and I ALWAYS sway up a few pounds thanks to mother nature!)  I'm guessing I'll probably be about where I was when I left.

Good, that I'm not up a super lot.
Bad, because I'm tired of putting around.

In other news, I bought a new app for my phone.  An app that I am hoping will get me to love running again....we shall see.  (Because we all know that the app doesn't "run" by itself, it's going to require ME to get up and tie my shoes and run.  Oh boy....)