Funny

I went back through my posts yesterday...back to the beginning.  I laughed out loud.  (Mostly in frustration.)  Yesterday my weight was almost exactly what my "starting" weight was on this blog way back last July.  Only last July, I was proud of this weight.  Yesterday I was ashamed.

So I thought about it all last night.  (As I was working out!)  Yes, it's disheartening to be BACK here.  But I need to let go of it.  I have still lost an amazing 48.6 pounds along this long journey.  I have come to realize I was foolish for putting a "deadline" on my weight.  It took me over a decade to put this weight on.  During that time I learned some terrible habits that I am still trying to break....habits that I will probably battle for the rest of my life!  I am a work in progress.  That is why I chose the blog name I did...My life IS IN progress!  I will get there because I will not quit.

So today I am celebrating all 48.6 pounds I have lost this far.  And slowly, I'll continue to add to that number day by day, inch by inch.

Last year, I learned that consistency is the key.  I will find that painful key again because I can do hard things....you just watch and see!


SIDE NOTE:  I have been using the Nike+ Fuel Band for a little less than a month (minus the week I was on the cruise.)  I love it.  It is eye opening to see how much (or little, in my case) you do during the day.  I have set a daily Fuel Points goal at 3500 for now, but I will be upping it to 4000 before the end of the week.  I wear the band everywhere I go and can track my progress on my iPhone or on the band all day long.  (I can even compete against others with the band!)

So here's my accountability for yesterday.  Yesterday, when I had no intention of hitting my goal.  Yesterday, when I wrote the blog post I was at a measly 700 fuel points.  Math question:  do you know the difference between 3500 and 700?  A LOT!

But I stayed up, late after the kids went to sleep.  I walked and walked and walked.  (I felt like a pioneer!) By 11:37pm I hit goal (23 minutes to spare...)

But I hit it...3510 with over 10,000 steps in for the day.  Now to keep movin for today (I have 14 fuel points as of right now)...

Feelings

So I have a lot of feelings running through my head.

Most of them start with embarrassed and end with humiliated.

You see I have really been stupid.

I have worked hard and as of late I have just plain old given up.

I might as well have thrown in the towel.

Yep.

Humiliated just about covers it.

I mean, really!  Who loses like 70 pounds so they can stand up, clear their throat and whisper...I've gained back almost 30 of it.

Seriously.

I wasn't even going to post that.  Truthfully, I was going to make the blog private to talk about this.  THAT is how embarrassing it is to own up to this.  It makes me mad.  I makes me want to cry.  It even makes me want to give up and scarf down the cookies in my pantry.

I was ridiculously embarrassed when I had gained 12 pounds...then 15...then 17.  Now I don't even want to face myself let alone anyone who MIGHT happen to read this.

Yes, I could justify the big gains with school, husband gone all the time, going on a cruise.

But really...they are all excuses.  If I'm being honest...and honest is what I need to be...then the truth is I have been making some really sucky decisions lately.  I'm tempted to start WW again...but it costs a lot of moolah, and I don't feel it's something I can budget in right now.  ($50/month)

So this is on me.  On my shoulders.  I have to go back to why I did this to begin with.  I have to refocus on setting a better example...because lately I've been doing a pretty terrible job.

I am done living in the past.  Yes, I was down in the 150's for a 1/2 second.  I was in the 160's even longer!!  Now I'm not.  Now I'm back in the 180's GASP.  I think the world might end now that I've said that out loud.  (Seriously, you have no idea how terribly hard it is for me to admit I've gained THAT MUCH back!)  (And it's not even the low 180's....we're talking mid to high 80's!  We're talking stand on the scale with tears in my eyes asking myself why, why, WHY!?

I mean really....who does that?  Who just throws their hands in the air and turns their back to the scale.....pretending it doesn't exist?

I did.

But not anymore.

I figure I can either start playing the game of hardball ....or I have to be okay with being fat.

I will NEVER be okay with being fat.

The fat girl inside of me tries to trick me when I'm most vulnerable though.  She tells me, "It's not all that bad...really, it's only a few pounds here and a few there."

SHE LIES!

Having excess weight is terrible.  Sure, for vain reasons.  But right now Alisha...right this second remember the difference you are feeling in your breathing.  Remember how awful it feels to walk into your closet knowing all your clothes USED to fit.  Now, I search for baggy....unfortunately, sweatshirts don't really fly when it's like 100 degrees outside!

So yes.  That girl lies to you to make herself feel better.  You do not want her to feel better.  You should not feel good at all about where you are.  Take where you are right now and make it better tomorrow...and next week.  Figure this crap out.

Today.  I am back.  I am not quitting.  I am not quitting on myself.  Not today, not ever.  This may take me a lot longer that I had originally planned, but I will not quit on myself.  I wasn't raised a quitter, I'm not raising quitters, and I'm surely not a quitter!

Today.  I am back.  Watch out.

Going...going...going

Things are still going for me.  Not necessarily bad, not necessarily good.

A few things have changed in the last little bit though....

No.  I'm not pregnant.

But we did add to our home...

Our current work/school/life situations have made it extremely difficult for me to find time to get my runs in for my training.  I have fallen behind!  I have toyed with getting a treadmill for a while now.  But was hesitant.  Real hesitant.

Sure, they are costly.  And they take up space.  And in our home there isn't really a "good" place for one.

But mostly I was hesitant because of our past with treadmills.  When Red (my now 5 yr old) was only a year old we had a scary treadmill incident.  It involved an older sister finding the key to grandma's treadmill.  It involved that same sister accidentally starting the treadmill while Red had her hands on it.  It involved some screaming that I heard from the other room but might have brushed off slightly as I walked SLOWLY into the room.  It involved my heart instantly jumping into HIGH gear seeing Red's thumb stuck between the belt and the plastic as the belt rotated on her thumb over and over.  It involved almost ripping the plastic apart because her thumb would not come out.  It involved a trip to InstaCare, then the ER, then the U of U burn unit.  It involved serious damage...to the point we were told she would need plastic surgery and rehab and even at that, we were told the use for her thumb might not fully return.  It involved a 4th degree burn where I could see bone and muscle.

Get my drift?  It was bad!

The good news?  Miracles happen on this earth, even today.  And thanks to a priesthood blessing and many prayers her thumb stumped the doctors and healed on its own.  (In fact, she doesn't even have a scar!)

Sooooooooo.  Needless to say, I have a little treadmill anxiety.  However, because of that incident I have become very aware of the anal mom I am about hiding the key from the kids!

The good news about having the treadmill...I have started and haven't stopped since I got it!  I have started slow, I don't want to get myself injured or anything.  But ran a comfortable run today.  Hopefully soon I will build up to the point I need to be at with a little consistency.

As hard as those first steps can be when I start my exercising...I've found this saying to hold true EVERY SINGLE TIME!

So be like Nike.  Just Do It.  Get up, where ever you are.  Stop putting yourself off!  Just do it.

Like Now.

You!  Yes, you.  Go..........

Hard

This pretty much sums things up!

They are all hard, I want to do the hard where I feel the best though.

To do that, I have a lot more hard to go through to get there....

The good news:  Today is day 3 of working out like a boss AND tracking everything I eat.  

And what do you know, the scale is like magically moving in the right direction.....

Only looking forward...

I am in DESPERATE need for an intervention!
I'm tired of self-sabotaging.
I have played the poor, pity me game for long enough.
When I play the pity me game about my weight loss, I usually begin emotionally eating.
Then my weight goes up more.
Then I pity myself even more!

See the cycle?

I've worked too damn hard to lose this weight and I'm tired of it slowly coming back on.

So I give myself a month.  
I can do anything for one month!

You see, despite my lack of attempts at weight loss...I've still been paying for Weight Watchers EVERY MONTH!  49 DOLLARS!

So, it's time to do something.  I have given myself one month.
One month to track.  One month to move more.  One month to see what the scale does.

You see on April 15th, 2011 I gave birth to Monkey Man.  That will mean that for one straight year I have been on this weight loss roller coaster.  And I'm tired of the climb...I'm ready for that mind-blowing drop!

So, if I'm not motivated enough to focus on the basics in the next 4 weeks...on April 15th I can't afford to stay at WW any longer and will have to quit.

I don't want to quit.  I know I need WW!  In the past few months that I've been dabbling with my goals I've gained.  I know what I need to do.  And today I refocused.

I am embarrassed by my weight as of today.  I'm ashamed of how much I let the scale go up!  I will "officially" weigh in next week after I've pushed myself for a strong full week.  (I just can't bare to put today's weight up on the board!)  (What I once was SO PROUD OF, I am not completely embarrassed of!)

One week from now, I will have a new scale (that is trustable) and I will post my accurate weight.
One month from now I will reevaluate my efforts....

Oh boy do I need an intervention!

Where have I been?

Let's see...I've been lost, I've been busy, I've been swamped, I've been sick, I've been nursing sick kids back to health, I've fallen apart, I've gotten back up.

Life is insane.  Really insane.  And hard.

By hard, I mean like really super duper ridiculously difficult.

But the hard things pay off in the end.....right?

Right.

I'm still stuck in my ways.  Not gaining, not loosing.  Wanna know why?  Because I'm not changing things up like I need to!

I found a picture today that scared me though.

That was me, just a short year ago (a year ago in November).  I was big.  Yes, I was pregnant...but not pregnant enough.  Mostly, I was just fat.

I don't want to meet that girl again.  But scarily (is that a word?) she lives inside of me.  She rears her ugly appetite when delicious muffins are around, or cheesecake is mentioned.  She comes out of the closet like a girl with a vengeance.

I am trying my best to curb her.  To lock her up and throw away the key.  But I don't want to get rid of her forever.

You see, if I get rid of her...I might forget.  I might go back.  I can't go back.  It's hard enough staying where I'm at now.  (I hate where I'm at right now, I hate that I'm not loosing like I was before.)  But as bad as it is where I am now, I realize how TERRIBLE going back to that picture would feel!

I lugged my Redhead to bed last night, she was heavy!  Like 40-some-odd-pounds heavy.  1/2 way up the stairs I realized I used to carry around more than her ALL DAY LONG.  Can you imagine?

Do you want to know an even scarier thought?

I still have about her weight to lose......

Today

Today is Monday.  (In case you don't read the header above this, and if you do....I like to state the obvious.)

I had a pretty good day today.  I tracked well!  Really well.  I made dinner for the 3rd night in a row!  THIRD NIGHT IN A ROW PEOPLE!

You see, I have had trouble with the whole cooking thing.  (Perhaps another reason I have been slowly gaining my weight back??)

So this week I was determined to get back to the kitchen...and I have.  And it has been good.  (At least I think so!)

Tonight we had Lazy Day Lasagna.

(I might have forgotten to take the picture until AFTER we were finished...what can I say?  It was good!)

The family LOVED this recipe!  5 out of 5 stars!  

(I rank the stars by family members who finish the entire serving without complaining or whining that they don't like it.....)

And the best part, it was filling...very filling!  The whole meal came to 8 WW pts.  Mmmmmmm.

I also got a friendly run in again today.  Friendly, because I didn't feel like my lungs were on fire....maybe just about to catch on fire.

The good news, I did better than last run.  (Really, it would have been pretty pathetic to have done worse...)

I went from a 12:13 mile to a 11:18 mile.  Hooray for almost shaving a minute, right?  We'll see where tomorrow takes me...

My plan

Remember how I told you I was running a marathon?

Well, I am.  THIS marathon.

So.  I figured it was time to start running.

Consistently running.

A while back I found a great "starter" marathon training.  I am planning to use it, and hope it gets me ready for the big race in time.

Here is a sample of the training:

I adjusted it for the race I'm going to be running, along with the days I'm able to run (due to school, kids, and sometimes no husband.)

As you can see, my "official" first week isn't until January 29th.  

But, I knew it was going to be UGLY. 

I also knew that I needed to start.

You see, if I keep putting things off....then I'll always put things off.

I need to see change, so I need to BE change.

I haven't been incorporating a ton of exercise in my daily routine, and I knew that needed to change.

I had plans to run.

Yesterday.

Thursday.

Wednesday.

Tuesday.

(You get my point.)

Each day I woke up, telling myself...

"self, TODAY you are going to run."

Each day would pass....my running shoes still in the closet.

Today I woke up.  

(In more than one way.)

I decided today I had to stop postponing the inevitable.

Either I go to work, either I start moving more, either I start running.....

OR, I don't.  Or I stay where I'm at, slowly gaining what I've worked so hard to lose!

So today I ran.

I am using Nike+ to track my runs.  

I like this program, I've used it in the past. 

(Although I reset everything to have a "fresh start".)

(If anyone uses this, please "friend" me... alishabowling @ hotmail . com)

(notice the spaces in my email address so I don't get spammed...make sure you delete them!)

The program is awesome!  It works with iPhones, iPods, or you can buy a chip and it uploads directly online.

As I'm running, there are many options...  

*I can hand select the playlist I want to run to. 

*I can set it up for either a timed run or a distance run, or a free run.

*It interrupts my music throughout the run, letting me know when I'm 1/2 through, when I've hit milestones, letting me know my pace.

*When I'm through with my run, I can add notes about the run.

*It maps my GPS coordinates.

*I can log on and see my run after, even showing my paces throughout the entire run.

*And really, so much more!

So here was todays PATHETIC run.

(Did I mention, my lungs KILLED!) 

(Yes.  I am THAT out of shape!)

I plan to try and keep up my progress here, I think it would be nice to see the improvements I make.

(I only have improvements to make from this point!!!)

Check in

Today was my WW day.

Sadly, I have some pretty sick kids.  (Actually, I'm down to only 1 sick kid now...the other went back to school.  We've had the stomach bug floating around here.)  I think we are just about over the sickness, but the sick one still complains of a tummy ache, so I didn't wanna risk it!

Nonetheless, I still went to weigh in.  (Just missed the meeting part.)  I am all about accountability right now!

And despite giving in to an icecream milkshake last night...I was still down.  (BARELY.)  But I was down.

171.0

The good news?  Jason is home right now so I have major running plans set.

After all, I have a marathon to prepare for.  At one time I was going to run the Sand Hollow marathon, that is...until I found out it's an out and back race.

I can't do out and back races.

There is something about running and running and running a LONG ways, just to know I have to turn around and run all that way back.  ICK!  I'd much rather run and know I never have to look back again...

So, I found another race to focus on.  Only, this one isn't until July 24th.  It's the Deseret News Marathon, up in Salt Lake City.  (If my brain is accurate, it's actually the marathon my dad raced in many, many years ago!)

So I'm working on building my stamina for that race.  And trying to work out a routine that will allow me long runs with a hubby always gone.

So tonight...I run.

Stuck like glue

Sticking with it.

Mostly.

I've had a few hiccups....Cafe Rio, for one.

But I've tried to track faithfully, use my daily points and dip into my weekly points.

My steps have been hovering around 6,000 - 7,000 a day.  I'm still trying to get over the hump and get up to 10,000.  Who knew I was so low on my daily steps!?

As for my activity...until tonight, it has been none.  But, before I jumped on to blog tonight I decided to get my 30 minutes in.  I wanted to be able to :) and tell you all I made a step forward like I said I would.  And I did.