Feelings

So I have a lot of feelings running through my head.

Most of them start with embarrassed and end with humiliated.

You see I have really been stupid.

I have worked hard and as of late I have just plain old given up.

I might as well have thrown in the towel.

Yep.

Humiliated just about covers it.

I mean, really!  Who loses like 70 pounds so they can stand up, clear their throat and whisper...I've gained back almost 30 of it.

Seriously.

I wasn't even going to post that.  Truthfully, I was going to make the blog private to talk about this.  THAT is how embarrassing it is to own up to this.  It makes me mad.  I makes me want to cry.  It even makes me want to give up and scarf down the cookies in my pantry.

I was ridiculously embarrassed when I had gained 12 pounds...then 15...then 17.  Now I don't even want to face myself let alone anyone who MIGHT happen to read this.

Yes, I could justify the big gains with school, husband gone all the time, going on a cruise.

But really...they are all excuses.  If I'm being honest...and honest is what I need to be...then the truth is I have been making some really sucky decisions lately.  I'm tempted to start WW again...but it costs a lot of moolah, and I don't feel it's something I can budget in right now.  ($50/month)

So this is on me.  On my shoulders.  I have to go back to why I did this to begin with.  I have to refocus on setting a better example...because lately I've been doing a pretty terrible job.

I am done living in the past.  Yes, I was down in the 150's for a 1/2 second.  I was in the 160's even longer!!  Now I'm not.  Now I'm back in the 180's GASP.  I think the world might end now that I've said that out loud.  (Seriously, you have no idea how terribly hard it is for me to admit I've gained THAT MUCH back!)  (And it's not even the low 180's....we're talking mid to high 80's!  We're talking stand on the scale with tears in my eyes asking myself why, why, WHY!?

I mean really....who does that?  Who just throws their hands in the air and turns their back to the scale.....pretending it doesn't exist?

I did.

But not anymore.

I figure I can either start playing the game of hardball ....or I have to be okay with being fat.

I will NEVER be okay with being fat.

The fat girl inside of me tries to trick me when I'm most vulnerable though.  She tells me, "It's not all that bad...really, it's only a few pounds here and a few there."

SHE LIES!

Having excess weight is terrible.  Sure, for vain reasons.  But right now Alisha...right this second remember the difference you are feeling in your breathing.  Remember how awful it feels to walk into your closet knowing all your clothes USED to fit.  Now, I search for baggy....unfortunately, sweatshirts don't really fly when it's like 100 degrees outside!

So yes.  That girl lies to you to make herself feel better.  You do not want her to feel better.  You should not feel good at all about where you are.  Take where you are right now and make it better tomorrow...and next week.  Figure this crap out.

Today.  I am back.  I am not quitting.  I am not quitting on myself.  Not today, not ever.  This may take me a lot longer that I had originally planned, but I will not quit on myself.  I wasn't raised a quitter, I'm not raising quitters, and I'm surely not a quitter!

Today.  I am back.  Watch out.