Reality

Okay.  I'm here.  And I'm still hovering at the same point...

I've also come to a conclusion:

No matter how much weight I lose, once I am at a standstill (maintaining the weight) I go right back to feeling fat as ever!

In my head I try to be rational...I try to tell myself that I am still amazing for losing all the weight I have lost.  I try to reassure myself I am not as big as I see myself in my head.

But slowly, the negative self-talk creeps back into my head.  All the feelings I had when I was at my biggest are there...and THAT is how I see myself in the mirror!  It's a battle.  I have to fight with myself everyday in the mirror because I don't believe what I see.  I have to fight with myself because I catch myself calling me horrible things like fat.

What scares me is the thought I might always be like this.  I am scared I will never truly feel satisfied, I might never feel small.

I hate how just a few months ago I felt small, skinny, and awesome for being the size I am now.  Today, I guess I have gotten used to this size and I'm right back to feeling fat, and lazy.

I hate the mind games...

Does it ever get better??  Please tell me it does...

It was ugly

UGLY, I tell ya!

But to be honest...I expected worse.

Today I weighed back in at 167.0  BOOOOO!

But I have to start somewhere again.  So now, I'll RE-LOSE those extra 4.2 pounds.

(hopefully sooner than later...)

But here's the good news...

I may have been up, but life is a journey.  I am well aware that it can't always be a downhill loss.  I realize I have to work for the weight loss...which I haven't been.  So I am re-focused, and ready to finish the year strong!

Today

I'm sucking it up.  I'm going in to WW.

Warning:  It is NOT going to be pretty...

Holidays

The holiday's suck.

Not the family time.  That's wonderful.

Not the memories I am making with my kids.  Those are great!

Just the food.  It all SUCKS!

It sucks because it's so wonderful.

Why does food have to taste so damn good sometimes?  TROUBLE, that's what it causes!

For one reason or another I have been a slacker lately when it comes to attending my WW meetings.  And I just realized this Thursday will be no different.  I have to take my son to the doctor...he's got some medical things going on.

So, another week goes by.  My scale is hovering.  Some days a bit higher, other days a bit lower.  I need to get my rear-end moving though.  I'm very tired of this place I'm at.  I've been stagnant for far too long.  And I know the only thing to get me past the hump is some exercise.  So my goal for this week...move!!!

Missed again

I had to miss weigh in again.  I HATE that!  We have had a sick, sick household.

The good news?  My scale is still showing me in the 150's!  :)

The other good news?  I had been competing in a friendly weight loss competition from August until Halloween.  There was a good sized group of us, we all paid $$ to enter.

AND I WON!  Barely.  But, I won!  I worked hard for that too!

So what did I win??  $300 plus a lot of other awesome perks.  (I don't remember them all, but I remember they are really cool!)

So what am I going to do with the $300??  Well, the logical side of me says tuck it away.....Christmas is coming.  The selfish and frivolous side of me says I'm going to get my hair done, I want a sexy new outfit.

I guess we will see which side of me wins out.....

Wardrobe

So remember how I was complaining about my wardrobe...or lack there of?

Well there's some benefit to complaining on the blog.  There is also some benefit in humbling myself and admitting my true size at the moment for all the blogging world to see.  (Or for the 3 people who read this...)

You see...I have an absolutely fantastic neighbor who also knows the woes of losing weight.  She has dropped some weight and is looking SMOKIN' right now.  She was kind enough to offer some of the clothes she had that are in my current size!

I came home with an entire sack full of brand new (to me) clothes.  (Seriously, they looked like they should still have the tags on them!)

There is really nothing better when you are losing weight than to have clothes that actually fit!  Even if it's just a few...or even if it's just for a moment.  It is that satisfaction of having things fit the way they should!  And as fantastic as that satisfaction is, it is hard to justify buying new clothes each size of the way....my pocket book would have a fit!

So, Marissa...thank you.  I LOVE them, and had a mini-fashion show in my bedroom the other night feeling all fancy in your old, my new clothes.

Oh boy

As much as I was sabotaging myself earlier, now I've apparently made up for it.  The scale and I are friends again!  So much so that I actually saw a number I haven't seen in I DON"T KNOW HOW LONG!

159...

I had to blink.  Twice.  Then I had to step off, zero out the scale.  And then I stepped back on.  (and I repeated this pattern probably 5 times.)

(and if you think I'm joking, I'm not.)

Sabotage.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Really?  Why?!

I get almost to a new place that I'm so excited about.......ALMOST.  Then I self sabotage with cookies, and ice cream, and donuts, and cheesecake.

Why?

I could just smack myself I am so angry!

I was inches...INCHES away from being considered a healthy weight at my weekly weigh in.  You think that would make me more careful!  You think that would make me work harder!  Especially with how freaking long it's taken these 10 pounds to fall off!

But no.  I'm an idiot human.

A very frustrated human that regrets turning to food the last few days.  Now I've got to bust my rear end and try and salvage this week.....

 

Compliment

I recently bumped into an old friend. I smiled at her but she didn't say hi like I would have expected. So, I went over and approached her.

It was only then I realized why she had ignored me.

She instantly said "oh my! Alisha I didn't even recognize you! You are so small!!"

I laughed and didn't think much else of it.

Until yesterday that is.

This time thankfully the person recognized me because I didn't even see him or his wife. He told me he would have never recognized me if he hadn't seen my recent picture on Facebook.

The point of this? I think I should take those as compliments, right? I guess I still think of myself as looking the same to people. I guess I had no idea what effect weight has on how a person looks...

What does it look like?

I made it to weigh in today at WW after all.  

And can I say, I am SO GLAD I DID!!

Today I hit another couple milestones.

First:  I hit my 2nd 10% on WW.

Second:  I have now lost over 70 pounds since my biggest!  SEVENTY!

I weighed in at 162.8

That is 2.8 away from "healthy"! 

So, to give you an idea of what SEVENTY POUNDS looks like, I give you:

That's right, a baby polar bear weighs about 70 pounds!

Or..

How about a fireplace?  Wanna strap that to your back and load that around with you all day every day?

No?  Okay, well how about this one...

That's right!  A Florida Panther weighs approximately 70 pounds!

Or...some might say I've been just full of hot air:

A large tank of helium = 70 pounds

How about this friendly bird:

I have lost more than this bird weighs.

Guess how much this scooter weighs...

70 pounds!

Lastly:

A 10 year old girl weighs on average 70 pounds.

I freaking lost a 10 year old girl!

SEVENTY POUNDS!

Stay tuned...next week I'll be setting my "lifetime" goal with weigh watchers.  

I still have a hard time believing it is me, that I accomplished this.

I tend to talk it down sometimes.  

I tend to brush off the compliments.

That is, until I have a jaw dropping moment when I hit a milestone like this!

70 FREAKING POUNDS!

And really...the 150's right around the corner.

Can that be?

My husband won't even know who I am...he has NEVER seen me in the 150's.

Oh boy.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself.

Is this real?  Am I dreaming?

Pluggin in.

Right now our family is on a bit of a roller coaster with some things happening with my son.  Don't really want to go into too much detail on this blog (since it's public) (and since I detailed it fully on our family blog).

The reason I mention it is because typically when I'm on a roller coaster like this, I throw caution in the wind and get careless with my eating.  I'm not going to lie, it might have happened yesterday.  I might have ignored all that I've learned to this point.  I'm not sure the scale damage it did.  I would say that I'll find out tomorrow, but I might have to miss my weekly WW weigh in.

The thing I have learned is that life happens.  And through life, we have to live.  So I might have turned to food last night for a bit of comfort.  But today my head is on straight again.  I post this to acknowledge that I am not perfect along this journey.  And I don't expect to become that way.  I make mistakes with life, with food, with people all the time.  The important thing I take from it all is learning from those moments so I can become a better person along the way.

So here's to the roller coaster we call life...CHEERS!

Weekly Weigh In

165.4!
(Down 1.8 pounds)

(I'm 1.4 pounds away from my official WW 2nd 10%, going to hit that next week!)

And I have decided on my WW Goal Weight.  (Which, mind you, is different from my actual FINAL goal weight....I'll blog more about that tomorrow.)

Tips of the trade

*Note:  I do not claim to be any sort of expert on this thing called weight loss.  I just share my own thoughts...

So I have been thinking a lot about what changed with me this time around.  You know, because in the past I suffered from the "I don't give a damn" illness and the "I'm too fat to bother" syndrome.

What changed?  Me, I guess.

I finally stopped eating my own excuses.

(That, and I stopped eating some other stuff too...you know, like ice cream and cookie dough and cheesecake.)

But mostly, it was the excuses.

You see, I figured out that only I could put my foot down and say ENOUGH ALREADY!

So I guess my light bulb moment was that it was up to me.  No one could do it for me.  No one could motivate me.  No trip, no outfit, no swimming suit.  I had to dig deep, put on my big girl panties (that are now my not-so-big girl panties).

It was hard at first.  There was a lot of self-talk.  I'd say:  "Self, if you give in today...you will give in tomorrow" or "Self, get up and go exercise before you dump your butt into the couch for the night or you KNOW you won't be willing to get back up."

I really started hating my self talks.  But they worked.  They worked because I know myself.  I know when I'm feeding myself a line of BS.  I know when I can do better.

So to some that are looking for the magic pill, or the magic diet, or the magic whatever...sorry, you won't find that here.  I once searched for that too.  Until I realized that none of that works....EVER.  It's all about changing who you are starting from the inside out.  It's all about lifestyle changes.

SO.....here's the first change you can focus on.  (Or at least one of the first I focused on.)  Each of us knows what our food weakness is.  And when I say know.....I mean KNOW!  I know exactly what foods I over-indulge in at EVERY opportunity.  (even still!)

So I had to make a decision.  I could allow myself to continue to self-sabotage.  OR, I could take control.  I chose the control.

I looked squarely at the cheesecake and gave it my "swear finger" and walked away.

You see, if you say no in the grocery store...you only have to be strong ONCE.  If you give in at the grocery store, you are going to have an ongoing battle with your food weakness when you get home.  Make it easy on yourself.  Just say no at the store.  Once is enough!  I know I am not strong enough to say no over and over and over and over to.  Are you?

So why should you even bother?  BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!  You are.  No matter where you are.  No matter what you weigh.  No matter how many times you've 'started over.'  No matter how long you have tried to lose weight.  No matter how many 'diets' you've tried.  No matter how many things haven't worked for you.  No matter how many times you've said 'THIS time will be different'.  No matter if you believe you are worth it or not.  Because I believe it.

I KNOW YOU ARE WORTH IT.  

Just because

Saturday night was date night. It's been a long time since I got all decked out and done up for my hubby. So, I figured Saturday should be the day I do.




It was one of the first times in this process that I can say my self esteem started coming back. I have never had the most self esteem, and over the last 10 years I lost a LOT of it. But I hope as I continue this journey it will slowly continue coming back.

Future

Here's what I know for certain.  Nothing is for certain.  But, I've learned to plan anyway.

And because I have a lot of stress in my life right now...(A LOT)...I need an out.

So I'm turning back to running. 

I found a great training plan that will keep me focused during all the craziness of life.

So come March 31st, you will find me here:

Running my guts out.

This marathon, I have a specific time I want to hit. 

This marathon, I know what to expect and I know I can make it!

This marathon, I am going to be dedicated in my training.

This year I have 3 marathons I want to hit (and a few other races in there too). 

So look out....and watch me run!

Shopping.

I faced my anxiety. My hubby took me shopping. It's amazing the difference a pair of jeans that fit makes!

I will say that I was close to hyperventilating though. As I grabbed the "10's" and was about to put them on, I was scared. I haven't been in 10's in more than 10 years!!




But they fit. Comfortably too. With a very, very minimal muffin to go along with them.

10 years! Ten years and I'm finally down to a 10 again! Can you believe that the next size = single digits!? Who woulda thunk it...

Stir what?

Stir fry!! That is what we had for dinner the other night.






I forgot to snap a picture before! What can I say...I was hungry and it smelt so good!!

We added some chicken, fresh green beans, broccoli, zucchini, carrots, garlic, and soy sauce. Surprisingly, even the kids loved it. It was easy and only 5 WW points! (We did add some garlic bread too...)

Sadly, this was our first time making stir fry...but I can promise it won't be the last!!

Weekly Weigh In

Weight Watchers was great today!  Why, you might be asking??

1. My center is switching over to the monthly pass (that includes e-tools) which is AWESOME!
2. My hubby's work is now paying for me to go! 
3. I was down 2.0 pounds!

Yes, today was a great day at WW.  I am now down 35.2 pounds from when I started WW in May.  I'm down 54.8 from when I had Con Man.  AND....I'm down a WHOPPING 65.8 pounds from my biggest in 2010!  

I feel good.  Every pair of pants that I own are now officially too big.  (Too big, as in my butt is saggy...and I can slide them on and off with out undoing buttons.  AND...most of them just slide off by body with every step I take.)   

Yes.  I think it's time to go shopping for new clothes.  

But I'm afraid!

I'm afraid because I have too many memories of going pant shopping and leaving frustrated, or in tears.  I have always HATED trying to find pants that fit!  Even now, after all the weight I have lost, I'm still worried.  I get self conscious.  I don't want the "muffin top" but I don't want the "saggy butt" look either.  I have never found a great pair of pants that fit me just right.  And it gives me anxiety to think I might have to go searching for some.  

(Anxiety for 3 reasons...1.  what I said above.  2.  $$$  3. I am style STUPID!)  

I've addressed my worry and anxiety about clothes fitting right....

As for the $$$...

Who knew losing all this weight would be so expensive for a whole new wardrobe!  I guess I have postponed the inevitable long enough, I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet.  I am just finding it hard to justify buying myself clothes when there are so many other needs in our household.  After I had kids, my wardrobe shopping became nonexistent because I have never looked at it as a need.  I've always just made do with what I had.  I'm having a hard time doing that now that I can't keep any of my clothes up.  Maybe I'll invest in lots of belts and just synch my pants up...

That brings me to #3.  Fashion sense.

Yes, I am style stupid!  I see so many women wearing the cutest clothes.  It was something I dreamed one day I could do...you know, one day when I lost a bunch of weight.  Well, now I have lost a bunch of weight, but I haven't gained fashion sense!  My hubby teases me about some of the clothes I have in my closet...asking what generation I was born in.  (He thinks some of my sweaters are a little grandma-ish.)  I would love to dress hip and stylish.  I just don't know how!  I don't even know where to begin.  I go to a store, with money in hand...determined to find a cute new outfit.  I leave with clothes for the kids because I couldn't find anything for me.  What's a girl to do?!  Seriously!

I am in desperate need of a wardrobe 101 makeover...I need to be taught.  Maybe I'll try again this weekend.  Or maybe, I'll just invest in those belts to synch up what I already have...

Snail

Man I feel like I've been losing weight at a snail's pace!  IRRITATING!

I know why too, I just haven't been able to do much about it.

Why, you might ask?

I haven't been exercising.  DUH!  But, I've still been sticking with my WW and that's been my only saving grace!  I think I will be down tomorrow...at least my scale finally showed me down today!  (Seriously, it feels like I've been in the same spot for a month!!)

(But it could be worse...I could be going up....GASP!)

I recognize this is a LIFE CHANGE!  That is what it has become for me.  (And for my family!)  The kids are seeing healthier dinners (most of the time).  Tata has a healthier lunch packed for school.  I am determined to do all I can to break the fat-cycle and keep them healthy!!

So, I will keep focusing on the food...and I am planning to add in my exercise.

Actually, I have BIG plans.  (I'll share later...)  But it all starts with a plan....right?

Now please excuse me, I have to set my plan into action!  :)

P.S.  What's for dinner at your house tonight??  Mine?  I'm trying out a new potato soup recipe, I'll let you know how it goes...but it smells delish already!

Change.

No change > Bad Change.

At least that's what I keep telling myself since the scale didn't move this week.  But, I have my plan set for this next week.  I am going to be powerful.  I am going to make a difference.  I am going to make that scale budge!

Did I mention I'm almost at my 2nd 10% for WW?  That's what I'm running toward.  That, and the 160 mark.  Because at 160, I will no longer be "overweight."  Crazy to think I've gone from morbidly obese...and now I'm just a few pounds away from "healthy."

Run

Tonight I didn't want to go running.  I started thinking of all the reasons I didn't want to run.  It started exhausting me.  I decided it would be less exhausting to go out for my run than to make up a believable and acceptable excuse.

So, I ran.

Pictures.

So I went on a picture scavenger hunt.

Pictures of me at my biggest.

Why, you might ask?

Because I NEVER want to forget!

Before I get to the pictures...I have to note that it was actually kind of difficult to find pictures of me.  First, I'm ALWAYS the one taking the pictures.  Always!  So that means I am never in them.  The reason for this is because I didn't want to be in pictures!  I avoided them like the plague.  When you don't feel attractive, the last thing you want is to have a picture so you can forever remember how icky you feel you look.  

Get my drift?

But, I managed to pull up a few doozies.

 (August 2009)

Never, ever, ever do I want to forget what THAT size felt like!  Looking at the pictures make me want to cry.  It brings back so many emotions.  I was so uncomfortable.  I was so self-conscious!  I felt horrible.  

I want to always remember what it felt like then because I never want to go back!

This picture was taken during a weekend getaway with my hubby to a Garth Brooks concert in Vegas.  

(January 2010)

(Look how hot my guy is...sorry, he's mine!)  :)

This picture was taken in July 2009 with my girls and mother-in-law.

Can you see how unhappy I am?  (I'm on the left in case I'm so big you couldn't tell...)

These were our last family pictures (and my first "couple pictures" since my wedding) taken by the best photographer I know!

October 2009

(Sad that my only pictures with just me and my hubby I looked so...well, you know....big.)

This last picture is the one that gets to me the most!

I remember that day so clearly!  August 2009.  We had just bought a new camera.  Jason was playing around with the features on it.  I was playing Wii bowling with my girls.  Nothing out of the ordinary, right?  Well...earlier that day, as I was getting dressed I had nothing to wear.  Literally, nothing in my closet fit me!  Not even my fat pants.  I sat in my closet crying.  Then, I did what no person ever wants to have to do.  I dug my maternity clothes out and wore them.  That's all I had that fit because I was that big.  I felt stupid.  I felt ugly.  That day I felt horrible!

So,  fast forward to a new time in my life.  I may not be at my goal weight.  And my body definitely isn't how I'd like it to be.

But, regardless...this is me.  TODAY.

169.0 pounds

And the good news....

I am finally at the point I WANT to be in pictures with my kids again!

(I just need to remember to take more!)

So to you, Alisha of today.  Remember how good it feels TODAY.  And never forget how awful it felt before.  Please, I'm begging you....don't ever let yourself go back!  You will regret it.  I promise you will.  Keep moving forward, even if it takes another 5 years to get to your "goal size."  Just keep moving forward...

PHEW.

It was a great day today at WW!  Remember that 4.2 I GAINED last week?

Well, I almost lost all of it this week....I'm talking -4.0 POUNDS!

How, you ask?

It's a secret.  But since we are friends, I will let you in on it.  But you have to promise, PROMISE, to try it!  And you have to promise to tell EVERYONE you know...

Exercise!  (3 times this week!)  Tracking points (or counting calories if you aren't doing WW)!  Lots of water!

Try it, I bet you have an awesome week too...

So here's the exact exercise I did:
Thursday:  ran 4.5 miles
Sunday:  ran 1.2 miles
Wednesday:  ran 2.1 miles

I stayed within my points each day.  And all that equaled a -4.0 this week!

If that's not motivating for this next week, I don't know what is.....

Getting better

I think last weeks weigh in scared me straight.  I have been focused this week!  Tracking, counting points, eating all my fruits and veggies, EXERCISING!

Yes, my friends, this week I have been re-motivated....re-focused!  The scale should be thanking me by Thursday....

Skiing

Since I have a moment tonight (which is rare, I might add...) I thought I would share with you the back story on why skiing was so important to me!

For year, YEARS people, I have loved water skiing!  Solemn skiing to be exact.  And every year I would look forward to the Lake Powell trip to better my skills on the water.  That is, until a few years back.  (When I put on a chunk of weight!)

You see, I never realized how much weight effected being pulled out of the water.  Before, I would literally just pop out.  Like immediately, right when I said "hit it."  But adding 90 pounds seems to change things a bit.  (Who would have thunk it?)  I sure didn't clue in.  I mean I had an idea that it might be easier if I weighed less.  But those years when I struggled and struggled to get up...I really didn't realize how much it was my weight.  You see, my hands are not the strongest.  I have some carpal tunnel issues so I figured as the years passed that my hands were just getting weaker.  (Yes, I now realize I was just sugar coating things and making excuses for myself.)

Well this year, I went to Powell a significant amount smaller.  Yet, I was still hesitant behind the boat.  I just prayed and prayed that I would have the strength to hold on.

I was beyond words when on my very first try I was pulled right out of the water!  It felt good.  SO good!

Oh Boy

Man.  This is the longest I've gone without updating.

(That's never a good sign!)

We went to Powell and had a fabulous time!!  I even skied!

More on my skiing milestone...later.

We came home and my weight was about the same.  Then came my ridiculously crazy, busy week full of studying for my first big test in the nursing program.  So busy in fact, I forgot to go weigh in at WW last week.  Honestly, it just skipped my brain.

This also meant no exercising.  NONE!  This meant eating on the go.  LOTS!  This meant late night snacking.  TOO MUCH!

All this equals a big gain. So big in fact that I did NOT want to go weigh in today.  Remember how I said I hadn't gained weight any week "officially" since I started WW?  Well, that's not true anymore.  I was up a whopping 4.2 pounds.  Gross, huh?

So that's the bad news.  Here's the good:  being accountable and going in anyways made me refocus.  I have my tracker out and in use!  I have my eyes open so I am much more aware of what I'm snacking on. AND, my husband is home for the next few days and I made him promise me he would kick me out the door at nights to go for a run!  (I haven't ran in I don't know how long....)

Here's hoping I can turn myself around QUICK and get back on track!

Officially Awesome

I weighed in this morning at WW.

A-mazing!

I am now officially in the 60's and it feels so dang good!  169.0!  MAN, it feels good to be in a new set of "10's"...real good!  It's hard to believe that I'm only 9 little pounds away from being "healthy."

In another few pounds I will be at my 2nd 10% lost for WW since starting in May of this year.

I am so happy I broke into the 60's right before Lake Powell...remember, I'm going boating...I'll be in a swimming suit for 2 days straight...ugh.  Even with all the weight I've lost, I'm still not all that confident about my new body.  It's not what it used to be, even when I was at this weight years ago.  I guess that's what 3 kids and a decade will do to a girl!  Hopefully I can "fake" my confidence and enjoy myself, I've worked hard to lose this weight.

I promise, pictures are coming...you'll love it!  But for now, I'm trying to pack for camping at Lake Powell, trying to finish ridiculous amounts of homework, and trying to get my house spick and span...

So sorry if the pictures aren't up until next week...

New challenges.

Husband home = new challenges.

Ugh.

I haven't been as careful.

My scale is punishing me for it.

But, it's okay.

I realize I am running, no sprinting toward my ultimate goal.  But ultimately, what I need to remind myself of is this isn't a race...it's a lifelong journey.  That means I need to stop waiting to get to my final weight.  Instead, I need to find acceptance to be where I'm at.

(And where I'm at now is a place I haven't been in YEARS!)

I realized a couple days ago just how long it's been since I've been in the 160's!  I looked at an old drivers license.  I couldn't remember the weight I listed, BUT...I did remember that when I gave them my weight it was 100% truthful!  (I know, shocker...right?)  So I checked out the weight...165.  It has literally been a decade, and now I am just a measly 4 pounds away from that!  (Give or take...)

What that also means is that my husband has never seen me smaller than I am at this point.  (And I don't feel small right now people!)

I've got a great post planned for tomorrow if I can round up what I need...so watch for it, it will be a real eye opener!  :)

W.I.D.T.H.

Are you familiar with Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit?  He does a great weekly post about W.I.D.T.H.  (I was featured on it this morning.)  :)  You should check out his blog, it's quite entertaining!

Also, remember how I've been anxiously waiting to see the 60's?  This morning my scale showed 169.5!  It won't be my official weigh in until Thursday, but I can tell it's going to be a good week!

Also, remember how my husband has been M.I.A. all summer?  Well he's back, for 12 whole days!  (That's more than he's been home in 3 months!)  So you might wonder how I'm going to reward myself (because let's face it, I deserve a reward!).

SPIN CLASS!!!!

(and it was fantastic!)

Goal weight.

Some have asked what my goal weight is.

Truthfully, I don't know.

I know what my healthy range is...
I know what I looked like when I was in high school... (11 years ago!)

But I don't know what I want my final goal weight to be.

I guess it's more of how I feel.  I don't feel like I want to shoot for a number.  I don't want to be disappointed in a number.  I want to keep loosing until I feel good in my skin.

Up above I set my "ticker" to show 160 as my goal weight.  That is the weight when I am officially no longer "over-weight" or "obese" or "morbidly obese."  (You know I started at the "morbidly obese.")  At 160 I will officially be a healthy weight.

Is 160 my destination?

No, definitely not.  I know I have more than 11 pounds still to loose.  But 160 will be an accomplishment. 160, I will have dropped my BMI into my healthy range for my height.  So that is the reason I have 160 as my ticker weight.  No, not because it's my final destination.  Most definitely not.

Do it anyway.

I didn't want to weigh in today.  But I did it anyway.

I wanted to wait until Saturday, give myself a few extra days to get a lower number.

But, I knew if I gave into my excuses...I'd do it every time.  I realized that maybe the number wouldn't be what I wanted today, but at least I was being consistent and holding myself accountable.

I was in fact down.  (Barely.)  But I worked hard to shed those 3+ pounds I gained in the beginning of the week.  Today I was at 171.4.

Still dancing around the 70's.

I'm sick of the 70's!

But I'm thankful I was down the 0.6 after the week I've had.

Truthfully, I'm thankful I'm down the 31 pounds I am after the summer I have had!  It's been hard.  Probably the hardest summer I've had.  It's been stressful, it's been emotional, it's been exhausting, it's been lonely.  All of those reasons in the past were reasons I would give up.  All of those reasons were reasons I would put off my weight loss.

But I'm done making excuses!  I'm done with not being the person I have the potential to be.  Life is too short to put anything off, even for a day.

20/20

The number on the scale is getting better.  It's still not great, and it's not back to where I was...but it could be by tomorrow!

You know how they say hind-sight is 20/20?  Well, it is!  The food I snacked on and ate, the food that caused my number to jump...it wasn't even THAT good!  In the moment it was, but that was just for the moment.

What I need to remember is that no food tastes as good as thin feels!!!

My scale hates me.

Don't worry I hate him too!

He thinks playing tricks on me is funny.  He thinks it's amusing to go up, not down.

It's all HIS fault!

Because it couldn't be my fault, right?  It couldn't be that I have been emotionally eating for the last 2 days, snacking on everything in sight, right?  It couldn't be that I haven't exercised in 5 days, right?  It couldn't be that I have stopped counting points, right?  And it definitely couldn't be that I keep stuffing my face with anything sweet in sight, right?

No, most certainly not.

This is NOT my fault.

In any case, I'm going to make him pay for playing these tricks on me!  You just wait and see, Mr. Scale!  I'm going to surprise you by the time this week is through!

Little late...

I realize I'm a bit late in posting this.  Mostly because my Thursday was consumed with cleaning and making this cake...

for my husbands welcome home visit.  (Remember, he's been gone for months!?)  (Good thing cake doesn't tempt me WHAT-SO-EVER!)

I did make it to weigh-in though.  I was at 172.0  Good, not great.  And this weekend went from good, not great....to bad, and even worse!  I haven't stepped on the scale, I'm afraid.  I will need to, tomorrow morning???

I'm SO close to seeing a new number.  After meeting Thursday I planned to reach that infamous 60's this week.  Now, I'd like to just not see a gain!

Still plugging along.

I'm still plugging along.  I feel like I've been dreaming about the 60's for far too long!  And each post I keep saying I'm closer and closer!  This morning I was within a pound...ONE POUND AWAY!  (unofficially, of course.)

Tomorrow is weigh-in, we'll see what that brings.

As for today, I'm going to keep focused!  Remember how I said I might be going boating over Labor Day?  It's official, I am!  And I really want to feel confident!  And I REALLY want to be able to ski!  I LOVE skiing, but have had a hard time in years past.  I've got issues with my hands (carpal tunnel) but I also was packing an extra ton of weight!  I'm hoping with the loss of all this weight it will take the pressure off my hands so I can have some good runs!

Oh, one more thing...I made cookies yesterday!  And I only had 1!  (Okay, maybe technically a little more because I did eat some cookie dough!)  But I had to taste the actual cookies because I was giving them to a neighbor.  I was quite impressed with my self restraint!  It's getting easier and easier each day.....

50 is nifty!

This morning, my scale showed me at 172ish.  (can't remember the ounces)

That means I am now 50 pounds lighter than I was in April!

50!  That's more than my little Monkey weighs!!!!

Now I just gotta keep on movin, maybe by Thursday I'll see that number in the 60's I'm dreaming about!

Weekend Adventures

No.  I haven't fallen off the wagon.  Quite the opposite actually!

This weekend my parents came down for a visit.  I love when they come down!  They were so much help this weekend!  From getting me a sprayer to combat my massive weeds, to helping clean my house, helping do my laundry, to fixing my dishwasher that broke!  It helped so much to finish getting things ready for the new school year!

While they were down here, I didn't exercise.  I could have.  I should have.  But I didn't.  I was lazy.  I was worried the scale would punish me.  Especially after we went out to celebrate at Red Robin on Thursday night...and we had pizza...and pie...

Ya, I was not very "good" this weekend.

But, this morning my scale liked me.  I'm down, getting closer and closer to the magical 60's!

You might be wondering why we were celebrating.  Good question!  We found out Thursday night where Mr. B's territory will be.  He was placed in Salt Lake.  This means he will be home on weekends, this means I will be able to continue and finish what I've worked so hard for...Nursing School.  We couldn't have asked for anything better considering our circumstances!

Today my chicklets are nervous.  They start school tomorrow.  I know they will love it, but it's always scary starting something new.  There are a lot of "what-ifs" to new things!  I was thinking of what they are feeling...Tata asked "What if I'm not good at 1st grade, what if I can't do it?"  Of course I reassured her over and over.  But, it made me think of myself along this weight loss journey.  I have often had the thought, "What if it's too late.  What if I can't loose the weight I so badly want to lose."  Does this sound familiar to anyone else?  If so, I will answer it the same way I answered Tata's questions.

You CAN do this.  You WILL do this.  How do I know this?  Because I know you.  I know you are smart.  You will succeed because on days when it gets hard, and you are scared you will come to me and I will hold your hand through it.  We will do this together!

And with that thought, I have decided it's time to make this private blog public.  (Kind of scary.)  This has been my safety net.  This has been the place I am free to write what I feel, very openly.  I'm not planning on changing that.  I'm not making the blog public for attention.  Instead, I wonder if there is someone out there that might need their hand held, and that can hold my hand on hard days.  This is a very personal journey, but it can only be made by having the support of others.

So, if you stumble upon my blog and you wonder if you can do it too....I will repeat my advice:

You CAN do this.  You WILL do this.  How do I know this?  Because I know you.  I know you are smart.  You will succeed because on days when it gets hard, and you are scared you will come to me and I will hold your hand through it.  We will do this together!

Thursday Thoughts

Today was my official weigh-in day.  I didn't hit the 172 like I hoped for.  But, I did hit 174.8!  That's a 2.6 LOSS for the week!

Here are my totals for the journey:
Since my highest:  58.2 pounds
Since giving birth to Con Man:  47.2 pounds
Since starting WW in May 2011:  27.6 pounds

That puts my average weekly weight loss since April 15, 2011 at 2.8 pounds.

Are you impressed?  I am.

Just call me the tortoise.  I'm slow and steady, but I AM going to win this race!

Being Careful

I've been being ridiculously careful the last couple days with my eating!  I've been pushing myself, I really wanted to hit 172 tomorrow.  Sadly, I don't think it's in the cards.

(Not even after my 2 hour work out today...)

But, I will be down.  So I need to stay positive about that!

Have I mentioned, I haven't gained in my weekly weigh-ins at all since I went back to WW?  Like, not even an ounce!  Every week I've lost...some only a few ounces, but a loss is a loss!

(Hopefully I didn't just curse myself.....)

Hi.

I'm still here.

It's been a busy week!  Lots going on around here.  Kids are just about ready to start school again...Tata will be in 1st GRADE!  (When did she get so old?)  And Monkey will be entering her 2nd year of Preschool.  They are bouncing off the walls!!

Me, well I'm just trying to stay a float.

Do you ever have those moments when you start convincing yourself you're in a weight loss slump?  I was trying to tell myself I had hit a plateau while in the shower this morning.  Um, hello!?  That couldn't be further from the truth!  But I guess the greedy side of me likes to wake up each morning and see a significant weight loss.  Frankly, that just doesn't happen.  It takes the small losses each day to add up to the grand total!

I worked out for a good hour this morning, I didn't want to.  But I did it anyway!  And, I felt good after!  I've got another hour + tonight.  I'm pushing real hard this week because I'm SO CLOSE to my 50 pounds lost after having Con Man.  I hope I see that number on the scale this week...for the record, it's 172.9.  Wish me luck!

(And guess what, if I hit that number...it would mean I'm INCHES away from the 60's...oh boy!)

Who am I?

There is so much to who I am at this point.  First and foremost, I am a mother to the 3 most incredible children ever!  My oldest, Tata, is 6 almost 7.  My middle, Monkey, is 4 soon to be 5.  My baby is Con Man.  He's almost 4 months.  (Obviously I am not sharing their names to keep them safe...)  :)

Not only am I a mother, but I am a single mama right now.  Last October, while I was violently sick with Big C, Mr. B lost his job.  (The job that moved us away from all our family and friends!)  I was working, making hardly anything, as we searched for a new job for him.  7 LONG months went by with nothing!  Finally he got an interview, and eventually a job offer.  He is now working for Michelin Tires, and is back in training in South Carolina.  After training, he will be placed somewhere in the greater 48 states.  We literally have no clue where he will be yet...we should find out in less than a week.

So you might be wondering how long this has been going on??  Since June.  I had Big C in April.  That meant Mr. B had a whole month and a half to spend with us before leaving.

It's been rough.

If that were the end of the story, that would be hard enough...right?  Well, it's not.

Instead of meeting up with Mr. B in some random city when he's done with training...the kids and I are going to be staying put.  I am entering nursing school this fall and I have 2 years of it ahead of me!  It might sound crazy to some, but it's something I have to do for me.

So technically, I am married...I just never see my husband.  And along this tough road, I've decided to make it my mission to get healthy!  (Great time to start, right?!)

But, as hard as it is...I'm making it work!  (And I'm not quitting now!)

So that's me, in a quick nut shell.  Welcome to my crazy life...

Fun.

Have I mentioned that I enjoy waking up every morning?  I get so excited.

Why, you ask?

Because my scale keeps moving down!  This morning it shows me at 174.4!!!  How cow, that's 2 pounds down since WW on Thursday morning!  (And I haven't even worked out at all, that's going to change today though...)  Wouldn't it be awesome to hit a 5 lb loss this week!?  I haven't had that big of a loss since week 1 on WW!

Truthfully, I hope to get to 172!  The reason is because then I will officially be 50 pounds lighter than I was April 15th!  And what's even cooler...the next time I weigh in officially will be just shy of 4 months from when I had my little gigantic guy!

So, I have another 2.4 pounds to shed this week...I can do it!

Another good day.

Things are progressing.  I'm feeling pretty good for the most part.  I didn't get any exercise in yesterday.  I had a busy day with getting kids all ready to go back to school.  (And getting myself ready to go back!)  I didn't even wear my pedometer.  (I can't find it!!!  I'm searching for it today!)

I thought I would share my WW weight tracker.  Here's a screen shot of it!

I have been struggling to figure out what I want to set my "Goal Weight" at.  I want to give myself a bit of wiggle room so I can maintain Lifetime.  I was given some advice to set my goal weight at the highest weight I would be comfortable seeing...during the holidays, on vacation, that time of the month...the very highest I would be okay with.  I do have a bit until I HAVE to set my goal weight.  When I set it, I have to be more than 5 pounds away and it has to be with in my healthy range.  My healthy range goes from 128-160.  I keep telling myself to stop shooting for what I weighed in high school (140ish) just incase I can't get there after having 3 kids and a decade.  But truthfully, that is where my heart is at.  I am leaning towards setting my goal weight at 152.  That would mean that on WW I would have lost 50 pounds!  And 150 is the very most I want to see on the scale.  If I set it at that weight, that means according to my scale today I have 23 pounds to go!  I can SO do this!  I am on the downward hump now...

Today I have a lot of running around and a LOT of cleaning to do!  I'm trying to get everything ready for the new school years for everyone since we are just about a week away from starting!  I realized I haven't really updated everything going on in my life as of late.  (Trust me, it's a lot!)  I'll take time later today or tomorrow to do that...

Weekly stuff

Today was weekly weigh in.  And I made it!  I was down!  Down another 2.4 to be exact!!  That takes my grand total on WW to 25 pounds!!

And, I got another award for hitting that mark!  Who knew!?  :)

Today feels good.  I'm going to keep my game up.

Quick side note.  I found a blog that features people sending in pictures with their "why" for losing weight.  I loved it!  Some of them were funny.  Others heart breaking.  It made me think about what my "why" is.  I mean obviously I want to get healthy for my kids.  And obviously there is a vain part of me that wants to look better.  But really, I want to know what the driving factor is this time.  I'm still pondering it, but when I figure it out, I'll let you know!

Letter

Dear Alisha,

Right now you have been going through a lot of changes.  Emotionally, physically, etc.  I wanted to write you a letter though to remind yourself of where you came from.  You see, if you don't remember your past...you are more likely to repeat it.

For almost a decade now you have struggled with your weight.  More specifically, with not caring about yourself.  You have let yourself become an emotional eater.  You eat when you're happy, you eat when you're sad, you eat when you're lonely, you eat when you're bored.  Because you haven't cared about you, you have lost yourself.

This journey that you have been taking is about so much more than weight.  It's about finding true confidence in yourself.  It's about finding a way to love yourself again.  You've made steps toward that in the past, but have never really gotten to the point where you feel good about you.  Because of that, you have been very insecure about people caring for you.  You have been very insecure about being "enough" for those in your life.

You have always been a people pleaser.  But now, you are staring to see the importance of taking care of yourself FIRST!

I want you to always remember what it felt like to be that awkward, uncomfortable 233 pounds!  I want you to remember the embarrassment you had.  I want you to remember how horrible it felt to go clothes shopping and have nothing fit!  I want you to remember the times when you stood in your closet looking at all your clothes and realizing you had nothing that made you feel beautiful to wear!  I want you to remember what it felt like to have to wear maternity pants before you ever got pregnant with Connor, just because you didn't fit into any of your other pants.  I want you to remember what it was like to avoid the mirrors in your home.  Or even worse, what it was like to avoid being in pictures with your loved ones because you were so ashamed of what you had let yourself become.  I want you to remember how bad it hurt when your kids told you that you had a big tummy or a big butt.  (Not because they were trying to be rude, just because they are kids...and kids are honest!)  I want you to remember how much you depended on sweatshirts, you tried to hide in them every chance you would get!  (Even in the hot summers of St. George when it was 110+ degrees!)  I want you to remember feeling worthless and alone.

That might sound cruel for me to point out all these moments.  But in order for you to appreciate this momentous journey, you have to remember where you came from!

I also want you to remember how incredible it feels to step on the scale at meeting and be down EVERY SINGLE WEEK!  I want you to remember how good it feels to exercise, and how much energy it gives you.  I want you to remember how the good foods you've started eating help to make your insides feel better...less icky.  I want you to remember how it feels to look back at an old picture of "Fat Alisha" and be able to actually see the difference...SEE the hard work paying off!  I want you to remember how it feels to be so used to wearing the same pants, until you finally realize you need to try and move down a size because they are falling off your body.  Only, instead of going down one size...you go down TWO sizes because you've lost more weight and inches than you realize!  And mostly, I want you to remember that along this journey, you are finding you again!  It doesn't happen over night.  But slowly, you are starting to love yourself again.  Keep striving for that and never, NEVER let yourself go back!

Finally, a break through.

My scale is going down again.  Finally!

It's amazing how that works...
when you don't track what you're eating and you don't exercise, the scale goes up!
when you track what you eat and you DO exercise, the scale goes down.

It's MAGIC, I'll tell ya...MAGIC!  :)

I'm not down huge amounts, but down is down!  Tomorrow is weigh in.  I'm not sure if I'll be down on their scale or not.  I have yet to have an "up week" at WW, so I'm hoping I can work hard and get to where I was last week!  Tomorrow, I will let you know!

My plan for today...workout!  Lots!  I'm hoping to get 2.5 hours in at least!  Nap times are good for something!  I should probably clean my house, but that can wait...I have an important deadline!  :)

Have I mentioned...I am going on a boating trip?  Well, I probably am.  Over Labor Day.  That gives me 4 weeks to shed as much extra poundage as possible.  That means in 4 weeks...it's swimming suit time, again.

I can do it!  So my hope by then....to see the 60's!  That's pretty ambitious!  But I'd love it...even if it's just 169.9 I'd be happy!  I haven't been in the 60's since BEFORE I was married!  Wouldn't that be an awesome accomplishment!?

On a side note, I found a really cool site today.  You can make your own avatar.  It lets you put in your height, weight, build, etc.  Then it shows what you "look like."  So I input my info for before (at my biggest) my current (size now) and my after (goal weight).  Here they are side by side...

 (Sorry about the quality!)

Kinda fun to see the progress from where I was to where I'm going!

Remember Yesterday?

Remember that slump I've been in?  That really emotional, horrible slump?  You know, the one I really don't want to into details about....ya, well I'm working on kicking it's butt!

Remember this plan from yesterday?

-30 min of exercise today, no if's, and's, or but's!  DONE

-Finish playing the pity game  IN PROGRESS

-Focus on making me better  IN PROGRESS

-Focus on my kids to make me better  DONE

-Drink tons of water between now and bed  DONE

-Find something to laugh about  DONE (it was more of a giggle, but I'll take it!)

Yesterday I tried to pick up the pieces scattered every where.  I think I did fairly good.  I got up, put the pity aside long enough to get the kitchen, living room, and my bedroom all clean!  Not too shabby.  

I will say that I still haven't been watching what I eat.  That's probably the reason my scale jumped up again.  But this morning I had enough of the going up!  First thing I did when I woke up...drank a ton of water and started exercising!  I kept at it for an entire hour!  And, I am planning for more this afternoon and evening.  

I realize I may sound insane.  But working out is what I am going to use to find me again.  I'm doing it for me.  Before, I thought I was doing it for other reasons.  That's when the emotional eating set in.  But now, now I realize and remember this is for ME!!

(Now, hopefully I have time to make up for the added poundage from the last 2 days before my weigh in this week.......)

Up, up, and away

Yep, I was up this morning. (178.6)

Although, I think my scale was off before.  (I mean it, that's not an excuse!)

I did struggle yesterday with eating.  But I think I tried to reign myself in for the most part.  I sucked on the exercise end though.  I had no motivation what-so-ever to work out!

Today is turning out to be much like yesterday.  All I can do is sit.  I put a load of laundry in.  That's about it.  I know I need to get up and do more.  I know I am being ridiculous.  But I can't help myself right now.  I need to get past this...

Here's my plan:
-30 min of exercise today, no if's, and's, or but's!
-Finish playing the pity game
-Focus on making me better
-Focus on my kids to make me better
-Drink tons of water between now and bed
-Find something to laugh about

Maybe that will pull me out of this?  It's sad that something so not-weight-related is having such an effect on me wanting to lose weight.

ENOUGH.

I still have 1/2 a day today and I will make the most of it.

Not good.

Today is not good.  Not at all.

I don't really want to go into details.

Just know that it's going to take a freaking miracle for me to not resort to emotional eating today!

Happy Day

Can I just say that some days I really love my scale!  Like REALLY! 

As in 177.0 really love my scale!  :)
(At this rate, I'd love to see the low 70's soon!  Or dare I whisper...the 60's??  Sheesh, it kinda scares me to think I might get there!)

I took it pretty easy yesterday since my calves are pretty sore.  

I still worked out, but just didn't push it like crazy.

I guess that's why I was so surprised with the scale this morning!

On a side note, Jason is home for 2 days...

I'll be staying strong with my eating while he is here.  I don't want to take steps backward!

Little Things

While this might look like just another key chain to some...it's actually kind of a big deal to me!

Remember how I said I hit my 10%?  

This was my reward!!!

I weighed in today, and I not only hit the mark...but I also came home down from vacation on their scales!

My official weight today... 179.8!

I have left the 80's behind and don't have plans to go back!

So today, I'm celebrating!
I hit my 10% and got my award!
I lost 0.8 lbs while on vacation for 2 long weeks (eating out EVERY SINGLE MEAL!)
I am in the 70's for the first time in.....who knows how long!

Yes, I think I'll celebrate!
(But now how you think...the old me would celebrate with food, more specifically ICE CREAM.  The new me is ready to celebrate by fitting into my smaller sized jeans!!)

Dropping

Remember how I really, really, really, REALLY want to hit the 70's!?  Well, today I saw 179.9!  I'll take it!  :)

I can't say this enough...I can not remember the last time I saw 70's on the scale!  Honestly!  <sigh>  This just keeps getting better!

Hopefully by tomorrow morning, I will be able to see something similar on the WW scale.

Side note...I walked 16,444 steps yesterday!!  Today, my calves are burning!

Accountable

I promised accountability.  Here it is.

My scale this morning read 181.2.

That's a little bit up from before vacation.  (0.6 to be exact.)  I do feel very bloated right now, and I KNOW I haven't been getting the water in that I should.  So that's my focus today...up the water intake!

Thursday is my "official weigh in day."  I wanted to be in the next "10's" by then.  (The WW scale is what I post my actual weights on my stats page, and it won't be until Thursday that I gage where I came home from vacation at.)  I'm not sure if the 70's will happen or not.  I'm still going to bust my butt and give it everything I've got to get there!

But I am proud that I stayed below my 10% WW mark.  That means I'll be getting my award on Thursday!

I already worked out for an hour this morning, I'll be doing at least another hour tonight.  We'll see what that does for me.

On a side note...I WISH I HAD A TREADMILL!  Seriously though!

I want THIS treadmill.  The Nordictrack Elite 9500 pro.  Fully equipped with the iFit feature that I'm DYING to use!

It's so hard to get a decent work out in being "single mom" to 3 kids.  I can't take them out running with me in 100+ degree weather.  I can't keep them up until 11pm when it cools down.  I can't drag them out of bed at 5:30am to go for a walk.  I'm kinda limited.  I do have a gym membership.  And I would take the girls in a heartbeat to the day care there....but not Connor.  I guess I don't trust them with a baby-baby, and ewww...if they put him on the floor!  YUCK!

So yes!  I wish I had a treadmill.  I fully utilized the one at the hotel.  Even though I had Connor the whole time, I just strapped him on me thanks to my handy dandy Moby Wrap and it worked perfectly!

I guess I should start saving my pennies, I know they don't come cheap...

Home

I'm home! It's been 2 weeks since I've been on MY scale. I was super ghetto and went into Bed, Bath, and Beyond a few times during my stay with Jason. I also used my moms last night. But I'm never sure until I am on my own scale. I got home this evening. I weighed in 1.6 higher than my 180.6. Not bad. Especially since that is a night weigh in and I'm always higher then.

As for looking back at my time away. I did good. I wasn't perfect with eating or working out. But I feel good about the efforts. I don't feel I sacrificed things I wanted, I don't feel I over indulged, I don't feel I was a work out freak. I think I did well. And if I can drop a bit by Thursday's WW weigh in, I'd be even more thrilled!! :)

Tomorrow morning will tell me right where im at, I'm just happy it's not a +6 or something horrible like that!!

Memory Milestone

I do have to record a milestone for myself.  Usually, when my kids want to go swimming I DREAD it!  I'm talking....do the whole psych myself up for it routine!  And even then, I usually wear shorts and a shirt to cover my body.  THAT'S how uncomfortable I have been.

Well.  Thursday July 14th was a big day.  So was Sunday July 16th!  I not only went swimming, but I wore a suit that hasn't fit me in years.  Thursday I took the kids to an actual water park...Cowabunga Bay.  Sunday I was in Georgia and went to Tybee Island Beach with Jason and Connor.  (We met up with my 2 brothers and sister-in-law as well.)

AND the milestone part...I didn't wear anything over the top while I was in the water.  Not even shorts.

I can't even begin to tell you how nauseous I was about the event.  I was pretty self conscious.  I know I still have a lot to lose!  But I wanted to be proud of where I had come to this point.  I'm not going to lie, I wanted reassurance.  But did my best to suck it up and act confident.  And while I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me, wondering why I wasn't wearing something over my suit...I can bet that most didn't even take the time to notice me.

I went through my camera to see if I got a picture of myself, but I only had pictures of when I had the cover-up on.  (I did wear a cover-up on the drive to and from the pool.)

Hopefully I can have build more memories like this.  I feel like I've withheld fun activities like this from my kids because of my own insecurities.  Now, I'm trying to change it.

Days

Do you ever have those days when you just don't feel good about yourself?  You know, the days when you feel so ugly, fat, etc?

Am I the only one??

Well, I've been having those days lately.  And when I have those days, I tend to rely on others to give me the boost I need to get past the feelings.  Only, the person I rely on most is way to busy to notice.

I know I don't look good in my clothes right now.  I know I don't even have nice clothes.  I wish I did!  I wanted just one outfit that I felt amazing in...that I felt I looked like a million bucks.  You know, with the jewelry to accent how amazing I look!  The type of outfit that actually turns peoples heads and gets them to notice me again.  But I don't!  I can't even remember what it feels like to turn my husbands head, let alone someone else's!

I have pants that are too big and fall off my body with every step I take.  I have other pants that are too small still and create a big old muffin top.  I only have the shirts that I wore when I was at my biggest.  I have a few ratty t-shirts that are super dressy, you know for those nights you go out on the town and want to make a great impression!  Or my maternity shirts, I have those too and still wear some of them.

You can imagine how attractive I feel right now.

And it really doesn't help that I still look in the mirror and think "ickkk" when I see my body, especially my naked body.  I don't know that I'll ever look how I dream of looking.  I know if I can't find myself attractive, neither will anyone else.  I just don't know what to do about it!  It scares me to death that after all the hard work I'm putting in that I will still be repulsed by myself in the mirror.  It scares me even more that my husband might not ever find me actually, truthfully attractive again.  Truthfully, it makes me want to give up and quit.

I hurts so bad to be so needy.  To beg others for approval.  But it also hurts like crazy to need that and not ever receive it.  If I do get a compliment, it's usually because I hinted that I needed one...or I asked how I look.  And even at that, the response is usually, "You look fine."

I don't want to look fine.  "Fine" makes me want to tear up and cry.  (In fact, I am doing that right now!) I don't want to have the one person I care most about in life to think I look "fine."  I realize I am being kind of a baby right now.  But is it too much to ask that I look better than "fine?"  I know I probably don't to him yet, but would a white lie really kill a person?  Even if you don't believe it yet, I need to hear encouraging things and I'm just not getting them.

So I'm off for another day in South Carolina...looking "fine" (you might as well tell me I'd look better in my PJ's because that's how it makes me feel!).  I'm off in clothes that don't fit, that aren't fancy.

I guess I'm just the frumpy, homely, insecure, unfashionable housewife....

My before

I stumbled across a picture of me probably at my biggest.  I can't be for sure, because I don't really know when I hit my highest number, I just know it was spring of last year.  This picture was taken in March of 2010 at Disneyland.

YUCK!

The funny thing is that I have always liked this picture with the girls.  And I really didn't think I was "that big" until I looked at it again today.  I can sure tell a difference though!

And just to compare the two side by side...

I think there's a big difference, but maybe that's just me...

I am starting a weight loss challenge this next week with a dear friend, Sam Crowther.  It will be running from July 25th through October 31st.  The winner gets a LOT of moolah!  (probably in the area of $600!)  Jason and I are both going to join so hopefully we can win!!  :)

It got me wondering though, the challenge is going to be based off % lost.  So I wondered what my % lost to this point was.  So I calculated it....22.16%!!  

I was kinda surprised!  That seems like SO MUCH!  I remember watching "The Biggest Loser" and seeing some of those contestants never even hit that high.  I had an "atta-girl" moment!  :)  

Which...if you are wondering, I kinda needed!  Because vacation is still just as hard!  I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to come home with a weight loss....ugh.  But I have to keep at it, and start fresh every day.  I'm trying!  I even went and bought fresh sugar snap peas yesterday to munch on.  I just hope I'm doing enough to counteract my diet while I'm away!  I know if I come home up it's going to be tough mentally...I don't even want to go there!  No matter what the scale shows though, I have already decided to hold myself accountable and go weigh in at WW that first week.  I am just PRAYING I'm still under my 10%!  I REALLY want my award!  :)