Easy

Losing weight is easy, right?
(Yeah, right!)

So I have a confession.  I thought after I delivered that the weight would just fall off me.  You're probably laughing, and shaking your head at my wishful thinking.  But you see, with my other babies the weight literally fell off.

Like, 4 weeks I'd be down 30 lbs.  With no effort.  And I could eat whatever I wanted.

Yesterday was 4 weeks.

I am no where near 30 lbs lost.

I cried.

Then I had to stop.  Step back.  And realize that with my other pregnancies, I had a LOT of extra weight.  This time, not as much.  (I had to tell myself that was part of the reason to make myself feel better.)

Also, I think I've been a tad bit stressed out trying to figure out a routine with all the kids...and the bigger house...and everything else that needs to get done.  (Still working on the routine...)

But I seriously thought this time around, the weight would just fall off like in past.  I even counted on it.  (Hence my post about not tracking my weight until week 6 postpartum.)  So I have been discouraged.  And down.  And frustrated.

I look at how far I have to go and it makes me want to crawl under my covers with a box of ding dongs (and I don't even like ding dongs!)

So I got to thinking....why can't this be easier!?  I mean really, why doesn't it have to take so much effort to shed weight and get fit?

That was when I had my "ah-ha" moment.

It has to be hard so that you will never, EVER want to go back!

And with that thought, I sucked it up and faced the difficult.  I laced up my running shoes, put together my new double jogger, and hit the road running.

The run/walk wasn't easy, but it wasn't as hard as I had worked it up to be in my head.  Sure, I may have had to wear 3 sports bras for support.  And sure, I was slow.  And yes, my incision had that burning sensation.  But, as usual, when I was done...I felt amazing!

If I can get out there and run/walk...why can't you?  Seriously.  Throw your excuses out the window like I did mine.  Get out there, and you will feel so much better when you're done!  How much better?  Well, if you're like me...you'll feel so great that you'll take the time to get dressed, hair done, AND make-up done all in the same day!  (A task that hasn't happened since I delivered Madison 4 weeks ago!)

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how fast you go.  Or how far you go.  It just matters that you go!  Now close your internet browser and go do something RIGHT NOW that puts you on the path to a better, healthier you!

Because I can

Today was my big, scary long run.

Actually.  I wasn't that scared.  I knew I could go 7, so if I could go 7....8 can't be that much different, right?

Today I decided to eat something before I began my run.  Usually, I just go out and eat later.  But when I ran 7 miles I realized I was lagging for energy a little bit.  So today I started with a piece of toast covered in PB and honey.  (Great for carb, protein, and a little sugar.)

As I ran, I was really enjoying myself.  I paced myself (as I always do on my long runs) and kept my heart rate under the 170 mark.

Mile 1:  a little chilly.  It took about this whole first mile to get my legs warmed up.

Mile 2:  went by in a breeze.  I felt like I was running so slow, but I knew I had to pace myself.

Mile 3:  a lot of this mile was down hill (hence my 10:03 pace for this mile).  I cracked open the sports beans at this point.  (Today was also the first time I've supplemented with something along the run to eat.)

Mile 4:  I was feeling great at mile 4....probably because I knew I was 1/2 done!  :)

Mile 5:  More beans were popped.  This mile was tough for me.  It was a steady incline and my hips were sore.  I wanted to walk.  SO BAD!  Luckily, the song playing in my ear kept me going "some times you just feel tired....  feel weak...when you feel weak and you feel like you just wanna give up...  you gotta find that inner strength....you do not give up....till I collapse....."

Mile 6:  I popped 2 more beans.  I kept telling myself 2 more miles....2 more miles, it's like nothing.  This is when my Gym Class Heroes came on.... "until the referee rings the bell, until both your eyes start to swell.....give 'em hell.  Turn your head.  Gonna live life till your dead!.....then you say to me THERE GOES A FIGHTER!"  I may or may not have been singing OUT LOUD as I ran this mile.....

Mile 7:  This mile was mostly downhill.  It wasn't too bad.  I was on a busy road, enjoying the cars as they passed.  I'm a people watcher.  And I pretend that others are too.  So running on a public road makes me run better and faster (and not stop) because I always say to myself...'what if your neighbor is the next car that passes....you don't wanna be walking!'  :)

Mile 8:  This mile was TRICKY!  I had told myself that after the last climb, it was all downhill.  Only.  I forgot the rather lengthy stretch of uphill that I had to do one more time.  I was tired.  And I was sore. And I REALLY wanted to walk!  So my music yet again got me through it.....thank you Kelly!  "think you got the best of me...think you had the last laugh...think you left me broken down....baby you don't know me cuz you're dead wrong!  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....what doesn't kill you make a fighter....stand a little taller....just me, myself, and I...."

And there you have it.  8 miles, done!

And the best part:  I don't even feel dead.  I feel I can still function the rest of the day.  Yes, I ended up taking an ice bath to help my sore hip.  But other than that, I feel pretty dang great!

Don't get me wrong.  There are days I don't want to run!  In fact, there are many days I have to just suck it up buttercup.  But today was not one of those days.  Today I ran because I can!  Today I marveled at the progress my body has made....I remember back just in July I couldn't even run a minute straight.  Yes.  You read that right.....I couldn't run ONE MINUTE STRAIGHT.  I wanted to collapse and die right then and there on my treadmill!

So no matter where you are on this journey of life....you too can make a difference for yourself!  Maybe you are at the starting line.  Maybe you feel you are re-starting at the starting line AGAIN.  Maybe you are part of the way through but thinking of turning around.  Maybe you feel you are making great progress.  Maybe you have been making great progress and now you've plateaued.  Maybe you are discouraged.  Maybe you are excited.  Maybe you are overwhelmed or scared......

Here's the thing.  I've been all those things!  And truthfully, I still am.  This process of getting healthy is one that takes an EVERY DAY COMMITMENT.  But slowly, as you recommit everyday you realize how much stronger you have become!  You realize you are doing this for yourself!  You realize that YOU ARE WORTH IT!

So get up, RIGHT NOW, and go make today a success!  (Then, come back and tell me about it!  Shoot me off an email, leave me a comment...I want to hear about how you celebrated being you today!)

Eyes wide opened.

My eyes have been opened.  Wide opened.

As time passes and I continue to work on losing weight, sometimes I forget how far I've come.  Sometimes I get used to my body and forget how big I used to be.

While out hiking with the family, I was carrying Bubba on my back.  I was calculating how much the carrier weighed, how much he weighed.  Then I realized that if I carried him, the carrier, AND my 5 year old daughter I would weight just about what I was at my highest (230+ pounds!)

I even walked down the path for a bit carrying them both just to really feel what it was like.  

It was heavy.  

And honestly, I can't believe I was carrying around that amount of weight on a daily basis.

So while my journey may be slower than I hoped for, I can sit here and realize that I have made significant progress.  I have worked hard to shed the weight of 2 children (and a carrier).  I have worked hard to become healthier, and I haven't stopped.  

Sure, there have been times I've been sidetracked.  There have even been times that I gained some of it back, only to have to lose it again.  But I think if we are all being honest, that is the typical path of life.  Losing weight is not a destination.  There is no finish line for this accomplishment.  

Instead, it will be a life long change of lifestyle habits.  It will be a life long focus on continuing to stay healthy.

I get asked a lot, "how did you do it?"

THERE IS NO MAGIC RED BUTTON TO PUSH!  I did it by walking.  A LOT!  And eating foods that are good for my body.  And walking a lot more.  And now I've added in running.  The big secret is the one we all already know.....healthy eating; eating fewer calories than you burn.  

So while sometimes I might get discouraged at what I don't yet look like.........today I was amazed at just how far I've come!

High FIVE

Today was my long run.  And I'm not going to lie and pretend I wasn't nervous.  I realized the last time I ran 5 miles straight was when I ran the marathon.....5 years ago.  And before training for that....NEVER!

So today I was a nervous nelly.  I didn't know if I could trust my body to do all 5 miles.

My sweet husband kept telling me to trust myself.  He told me I'm too hard on myself, and that I needed to stop doubting and start believing.  (He's so right!)  (Don't tell him I said that.....)

I also received some awesome advice from my professional runner friend Brandi who told me to watch my heart rate!  It was something I'd never done before.  I'd always paid attention to my pace rather than my HR.  So today, my goal was to keep my heart rate within the aerobic range for my body (140-160).

At first, I felt like I was going at a SNAILS PACE!  But I felt strong.  1/2 through my run I wasn't labored at all.  In fact, I didn't even realize I was already 1/2 done!

By the time I finished, I felt strong.  Seriously, I probably could have continued!  I was SHOCKED that I ran the entire 5 miles without feeling labored at all!  My legs were strong!  My lungs were strong! My body was strong!

I FELT AMAZING!

Pace: 11:33 min/mile (Splits: 10:49, 11:47, 11:22, 11:40, 12:08)

Thank you to all the loving encouragement and belief sent my way.  I'm truly starting to see that I sometimes don't give myself enough credit.....

It's all about the shoes...

Today I stepped on the scale and then instinctively began jumping up and down!

Then.  The tears welled up in my eyes!

Today, I earned these...

My heart is so full.

Tomorrow, I'll post the raw emotions involved!

But for today, I'm proudly wearing these:

The day I cried.

Have you ever cried when you put clothes on?  I have.  Remember THIS post?  Sure, the picture was taken in 2009 but I remember that day in my closet like it was yesterday.  I remember those feelings.  I remember how embarrassed I was!  I remember asking myself how I ever let it get THIS bad!  At that moment all the pants I had were 18's and none of them fit.  I was easily a 20...maybe even a 22.  I was just in denial.  So, like that post said, instead of facing the truth...I grabbed maternity pants.  I can still feel the shame from that day!  I still get the same anxiety and sadness when I see that picture.  You see, although I may have a smile on my face...the pain cut deep.

At that point in my life I thought it was too late.  I thought I would NEVER be able to get back into what I wore in high school.  I thought those dreams were too big.  I packed them away, deep inside where it hurt the most!  I pretended I was okay.  I pretended it didn't matter.  I pretended because I didn't think I was strong enough to do anything about it.

Fast forward.

I cried again today.  Only not out of shame or embarrassment.  Not because I was sick of what I'd let myself become.  The tears I cried today were real, and they were victorious.

I did not cry them in my closet.  Instead, I cried them in a dressing room at American Eagle.

I was at the mall today, and on a whim I decided to stop in and try on jeans.

Trying on jeans is a big ordeal for me.  I get anxiety about it because of where my weight USED to be.  I still remember taking in jeans and trying on the biggest size a store had and they not fit.  I remember the feeling of being defeated by jeans.  I have always hated trying on jeans for this reason.  (Even after I have lost 60 plus pounds, the feeling are not forgotten!)

Today I was feeling particularly brave.

And I'm so glad I was!

Today was the day I fit into 8's.  EIGHTS!

(of course I bought them!!!)

Some might not think that is a very big accomplishment.  Let me be frank.  I have not worn a size eight since I was in high school (FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!)

Fourteen years people.  Fourteen years...that's almost 1/2 my life ago!

(I may, or may not, be tearing up even now thinking about where I have worked to be...)

I want to scream it from the roof tops...I WEAR A SIZE EIGHT!  Not because I want the attention or the recognition.  (Although, blog comments are always accepted.)  :)  I want to scream it from the roof tops because if there is even one person that can relate to those feelings I had in the closet, if there is even one person that can relate to what it feels like to be ashamed of letting yourself go....I want YOU to know it IS possible to change!

I doubted myself for a long time, don't waste time doubting yourself.  It is possible.  Is it easy?  No.  (I'll be honest!)  But it is so damn worth it!

EIGHTS PEOPLE!!!  EIGHTS!

So if you are starting back in your own closet in tears...my best advice:  take it one day at a time!  Know that it's not going to be easy, but tell yourself you are worth the hard work!  Only you can do it, only you can realize you are important enough.  Then, take it one day (or one hour) at a time.  CONSISTENCY!  That's the magic pill people.  Be consistent and do NOT let yourself make excuses!  I promise, you want to feel this amazing rush of your own "size eight."

Feeling GREAT!

Just got my run in for the morning and I am EXCITED!  Today was my first no walking run.  (Of course I still had my 5 minute warm up and cool down)

So I decided to mark when I began running after my warm up and mark where I was once the cool down started so I could get an accurate pace.

Dun dun dun....

10:48 min/mile on my treadmill (remember, I run faster outside...)

10:48

TEN FORTY-EIGHT!

Yeah.  I'm pumped!

Oh.  And in other news...

Yesterday a friend of mine that reads this blog mentioned a 5K that was happening on the 25th.  (You know, the date I was going to calculate my own path...)  THANK YOU LISA!!!!

So, on the 25th I will be Running for Reggie.  I am SOOOO excited!  :) :) :)

Once to small...now just right

So if you remember, two months ago I went on a cruise.  (A surprise cruise, for my 30th birthday!)

Because I only had 2 weeks to get ready for it by the time I found out about the cruise, I was rushing around to find summer clothes.  I ended up going to Old Navy for a lot of it.  However, I didn't have time to actually try anything on.  I just guessed and brought them home.

Mostly, I guessed good.  There was, however, one pair of capris that I guess too small.

Okay, not just too small....but literally can't pull them up over my thighs small.

So, I bagged them up and hung them on my door to return after the cruise.

Well, weeks turn into months.  The bag was still sitting there.  After feeling a little more confident in my body because all my regular clothes were fitting way lose, I thought I'd reach in the bag and give it a try...

They fit....NOT EVEN A MUFFIN TOP!!!  

Today, they fit.

Bottoms:  Capris from Old Navy, size:  Medium

Top:  Alabama Football t-shirt, size:  Medium

Confession

I have come to confess my sins.

I did a lot of research last night.  I realized I wanted to focus a lot on building my lean muscle because I know it will help rid me of the fat.  So, I'm wanting to track where I started.

When I pulled the conversion calculators, I realized I needed an accurate weight.

(Get where I'm going?)

So I talked to Jason about it.  I told him my reason for wanting my current weight.  He came up with a solution.  He would bring the wiiFit scale out of hiding, but I had to weigh in not facing the TV AND I had to give him the formula to figure out for me...that way I would avoid the disappointment in seeing my weight.

I agreed (although, my curiosity was killing me!)  (You see, I know my pants are fitting looser so I was adamant that my scale had to be budging.)

But a deal was a deal....so I agreed not to look or know my weight.  And believe me, secretly I was glad that Jason was holding me to my word!  I knew I couldn't take much more disappointment.  I knew that I wanted to give the scale time to start moving.  So really, my motives and intent were pure...

I got done.  And here's how the conversation went:

Jason:  "Wow.  I think I might actually want you to see this weigh in."
Me:  "Really, don't mess with me..."
Jason:  "No, seriously...I think you'll be surprised."

So in my head I thought...sweet I'm down a pound or two and he's trying to be nice and get me excited about seeing 180.something....

Boy was I wrong!

I weighed in this morning in the EXACT SAME outfit as I did on Tuesday (just 3 days ago...)

ONLY....today's weight showed me at a LOSS of 7+ pounds?!?  I was at 175.3.




175.3!

Now some might think that is impossible in 3 short days....here's what I have to say:  It is definitely possible...my body was holding on to my weight trying to figure out what I was doing.  Then it realized I was still feeding it regularly, I was burning lots of calories EVERY SINGLE DAY...so it finally jumped into action.

No.  I don't expect a 7+ weight loss every week.  I swear, I don't.  Hell...I'd be happy with a 2 lb weight loss weekly.  But remember...I went 4 weeks and only saw a 1.something pound loss.

As for breaking my promise....well, that wasn't my intent this morning when I wanted to figure out my body fat percent and my lean muscle percent.  And I was set on having Jason do the calculations to keep the number from me....only, I'm really glad he didn't.  But cheating is cheating....so I felt I had to be honest and accountable to myself and to anyone who might be reading this blog.

Now, here's the real kicker....can you imagine what would have happened if I had given up and thrown in the towel?

Seriously...it was dark, I was frustrated.  I was ready to give up.  But I didn't.  I DIDN'T STOP DESPITE WHAT MY SCALE TOLD ME.  You see, I knew I was doing enough to get results....I just couldn't figure out why they were taking so long to come.

The sky is always darkest before dawn!  Did you hear me....
THE SKY IS ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE DAWN!

Push through the frustration and the disappointment....if I am worth it (and if I can do it), then by golly...you are SOOOOO worth it and I know you can do it!

As for me and my scale relationship...it's already boxed up and hidden again.  My 5K is on Saturday Aug 25th and I have decided to wait until Tuesday the 28th (my usual weigh in day) to weigh in.  So I'm still a month from my next weigh in...we'll see how much the scale moves in that amount of time!

NSV

I had a pretty great NSV today (non-scale-victory)!. I was getting dressed, trying to find something to wear.  The day was a bit hazy and had lots of cloud coverage.  I decided to opt for jeans.  Then, I hesitated.

You see, I remembered that just a week ago I went through my closet and got rid of all my larger jeans...all of them.  I kept only my 10's.  (I have none smaller than 10 at this point.)

I was bummed.  Jeans sounded comfy, but I knew my 10's had gotten to be to little...I couldn't even button them up the last time I tried.

I hesitated.  I didn't know if I could take the disappointment of not fitting into clothes...after all, you read my last post, I'm on a freaking roller coaster!  And, it's not like I've dropped a ton of weight so far...

But, I decided to throw caution into the wind.  I tried them on.  (And I even took a picture...I need to take more pictures along this journey to remember where I have been each step of the way!)

They are definitely snug, but they are also buttoned!  And I'm wearing them!  Sure, I might have a muffin top...but I don't care today.  I earned that muffin top.  Sure, people won't realize that the jeans that are a bit too tight are too tight because I've been working my ass off to fit in them again.  Some might even think... 'oh, she's had a bit too much to eat' or 'doesn't she know she should be wearing a size bigger?'

FORGET THEM!

You see, I know they are tight.  But that propels me forward.  Right now, I'm celebrating that I'm a 10 again!  Next step...to say goodbye to the double digits.  Whoa.  Haven't seen an 8 since high school!

No matter what

Today I lost my motivation.

I had such a hard time finding the desire to get my work-out on.  I laid in bed longer than usual, and by the time I was up I was thinking about making an excuse to put it off.

It's true what they say...the first step into your run is always the hardest!

I remembered a cute little song from Martina McBride.  The song talks a lot about excuses people can make for not doing this...but ultimately we need to Do it Anyway!

So I did.

I popped in my headphones and began and I am so glad that I did.  Not only did I do it, but I pushed myself harder today.  Maybe it was the music I was listening to that motivated me, maybe it was the scale.  Or maybe, it was just me.

I got pretty emotional today as a song came on.  It's a cheesy song.  (But you'll learn that I'm quite the cheese ball!)  But today as I was trying to push myself harder than I have so far, I was really letting the words sink in:

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreaming 
But there's a voice inside my head saying 

'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking,

Every move I make feels lost with no direction

My faith is shakin

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

~The Climb, Miley Cyrus

I cried.

That pretty much sums up a lot of why I was struggling this morning.  I have head issues, and sometimes they are difficult to get past!  

It's stupid, really!  I mean I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sometimes.  Somedays I have no doubts where I'm going.  Somedays I can almost feel myself at a healthier weight.  Then, there are days like this morning.  Days when it feels so far.  Days when it feels too hard.

There are moments when I start wondering if it's really worth it.  Crazy, huh?!  But as Miley says, I gotta keep my head held high!  I have got to keep trying.  

Because I have to believe that in the end, it will be worth it.  It will be worth every step I've taken, every ounce of sweat, every sore muscle, every tear I've shed, every dessert I've passed up...

It's just gotta be worth it!

(Side note:  I've been tracking my average pace this week while doing the couch-to-10K app.  I am super excited that from Monday I've stepped up my pace by 2 minutes!

Monday 7/9/12:  15:44 min/mile

Wednesday 7/11/12:  14:26 min/mile

Friday 7/13/12:  13:47 min/mile

All three run/walks were the exact same...I just upped my speed each time.  I'm hoping by the time I'm ready for the 10K portion of this (at the end of the 14 weeks) that my pace will be a lot closer to 10:00 min/miles....or GASP, even in the 9:00's!)

W.I.D.T.H.

Are you familiar with Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit?  He does a great weekly post about W.I.D.T.H.  (I was featured on it this morning.)  :)  You should check out his blog, it's quite entertaining!

Also, remember how I've been anxiously waiting to see the 60's?  This morning my scale showed 169.5!  It won't be my official weigh in until Thursday, but I can tell it's going to be a good week!

Also, remember how my husband has been M.I.A. all summer?  Well he's back, for 12 whole days!  (That's more than he's been home in 3 months!)  So you might wonder how I'm going to reward myself (because let's face it, I deserve a reward!).

SPIN CLASS!!!!

(and it was fantastic!)

50 is nifty!

This morning, my scale showed me at 172ish.  (can't remember the ounces)

That means I am now 50 pounds lighter than I was in April!

50!  That's more than my little Monkey weighs!!!!

Now I just gotta keep on movin, maybe by Thursday I'll see that number in the 60's I'm dreaming about!

Little Things

While this might look like just another key chain to some...it's actually kind of a big deal to me!

Remember how I said I hit my 10%?  

This was my reward!!!

I weighed in today, and I not only hit the mark...but I also came home down from vacation on their scales!

My official weight today... 179.8!

I have left the 80's behind and don't have plans to go back!

So today, I'm celebrating!
I hit my 10% and got my award!
I lost 0.8 lbs while on vacation for 2 long weeks (eating out EVERY SINGLE MEAL!)
I am in the 70's for the first time in.....who knows how long!

Yes, I think I'll celebrate!
(But now how you think...the old me would celebrate with food, more specifically ICE CREAM.  The new me is ready to celebrate by fitting into my smaller sized jeans!!)

Memory Milestone

I do have to record a milestone for myself.  Usually, when my kids want to go swimming I DREAD it!  I'm talking....do the whole psych myself up for it routine!  And even then, I usually wear shorts and a shirt to cover my body.  THAT'S how uncomfortable I have been.

Well.  Thursday July 14th was a big day.  So was Sunday July 16th!  I not only went swimming, but I wore a suit that hasn't fit me in years.  Thursday I took the kids to an actual water park...Cowabunga Bay.  Sunday I was in Georgia and went to Tybee Island Beach with Jason and Connor.  (We met up with my 2 brothers and sister-in-law as well.)

AND the milestone part...I didn't wear anything over the top while I was in the water.  Not even shorts.

I can't even begin to tell you how nauseous I was about the event.  I was pretty self conscious.  I know I still have a lot to lose!  But I wanted to be proud of where I had come to this point.  I'm not going to lie, I wanted reassurance.  But did my best to suck it up and act confident.  And while I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me, wondering why I wasn't wearing something over my suit...I can bet that most didn't even take the time to notice me.

I went through my camera to see if I got a picture of myself, but I only had pictures of when I had the cover-up on.  (I did wear a cover-up on the drive to and from the pool.)

Hopefully I can have build more memories like this.  I feel like I've withheld fun activities like this from my kids because of my own insecurities.  Now, I'm trying to change it.

My before

I stumbled across a picture of me probably at my biggest.  I can't be for sure, because I don't really know when I hit my highest number, I just know it was spring of last year.  This picture was taken in March of 2010 at Disneyland.

YUCK!

The funny thing is that I have always liked this picture with the girls.  And I really didn't think I was "that big" until I looked at it again today.  I can sure tell a difference though!

And just to compare the two side by side...

I think there's a big difference, but maybe that's just me...

I am starting a weight loss challenge this next week with a dear friend, Sam Crowther.  It will be running from July 25th through October 31st.  The winner gets a LOT of moolah!  (probably in the area of $600!)  Jason and I are both going to join so hopefully we can win!!  :)

It got me wondering though, the challenge is going to be based off % lost.  So I wondered what my % lost to this point was.  So I calculated it....22.16%!!  

I was kinda surprised!  That seems like SO MUCH!  I remember watching "The Biggest Loser" and seeing some of those contestants never even hit that high.  I had an "atta-girl" moment!  :)  

Which...if you are wondering, I kinda needed!  Because vacation is still just as hard!  I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to come home with a weight loss....ugh.  But I have to keep at it, and start fresh every day.  I'm trying!  I even went and bought fresh sugar snap peas yesterday to munch on.  I just hope I'm doing enough to counteract my diet while I'm away!  I know if I come home up it's going to be tough mentally...I don't even want to go there!  No matter what the scale shows though, I have already decided to hold myself accountable and go weigh in at WW that first week.  I am just PRAYING I'm still under my 10%!  I REALLY want my award!  :)