Reality Hurts

There are times I make some lofty goals.  
You know, the whole dream big concept.
Only, I fall.  Or fail.
Or both.

Today is August 22nd.
I'm not even close to where I wanted to be.
Not on the scale, not on the miles on runs.

Honestly, I've been hiding from the truth.
I've been avoiding the whole come clean process.

Sure, I could fill this blog with some very valid excuses.
I could sit and tell you all how hard August has been.
I could tell you about my job and the crazy hours/days I've been working.
I could tell you about so much that has been happening (mentally and physically).

But where will that get me?

I don't want pity.  I don't want a way out.
I definitely don't need someone excusing my behavior.

Because frankly, my behavior has stunk.
Sure, I've been busy.  Who isn't?!
But I could have found opportunities to make the time for what's important.
I could have sucked it up and made it happen.

But here I am, wishing I would have.

And this feeling sucks.

I was supposed to be working to lose weight to head to Marco Island in December with Jason.  (Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)
I was supposed to be working hard to run and train for the St. George Marathon.
(Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)

Neither has happened.  I am most certainly not where I planned to be.
I'm embarrassed, I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated.

Dare I say it, part of me even wants to quit.
It's easier to just quit, you know.  It's easier to pretend like I don't care.

But the thing is, I do care.
I care about achieving goals I have set.

I'm not crazy enough to believe I still have a chance at hitting my goal by September 6th to buy my ticket to Marco Island.  And I'm not about to buy it anyway, just because I want to go and can afford the ticket.  I truly don't feel I've worked for it.  I've seen the work Jason has put in.  (Holy smokes, he's looking good as she shrinks away...)  It wouldn't be right for me to assume I can just go despite not putting in my end of the deal.

Does that mean I quit?  Does that mean I give up?
No.

I may not get to Marco Island, but was that the end goal?  No.  It would have been a nice perk!  But the end goal is finding myself again after this pregnancy.  The end goal is getting my healthy body back again.  And I owe it to my kids, my family, and myself to keep pushing for that.

Now about this other lofty goal....the marathon.

I'm not even going to pretend I'm going to be ready like I hoped.
I won't.
I haven't put in the miles to even consider making a "time" goal for the race.
So here I am.  Throwing it all out the window.
I'm determined to start that race.  And I'm going to give it every last ounce of effort I have within me to finish.  I will leave it all out there on the road that day.

And between now and then, I'm going to gain some laser focus.  A wise friend (who consequently is also running this race with me) reminded me today to stop beating myself up.  To stop thinking about what I haven't accomplished, and focus instead on what I have.  To focus instead on the time I have left and not let it slip away.

So here I go.

I make no promises.

I am making no loft, dream big goals.

My only goal right now is to focus each hour of the day, because at this point...that seems pretty hard to do!

Everything starts with a choice, right?  So each choice I make, the question will be....'will this bring me closer to finishing the marathon, or will this set me back?"

Look who's back...

That's right folks, I'm back.  (At least, I hope I am!)  It's been a long few months.  I bet some of you thought that my pregnancy swallowed me up and kidnapped me, right?

Well, I guess that is sort of true.

I had yucky bouts of pregnancy sickness.  And even worse, I have had zero energy.  Zero!

Mix all that together with the added, enormous stress of 4th semester nursing school....that gives you the answer of where I've been!

But I'm alive.  And the baby is kicking.  (Yep, totally feeling the baby kicks now.)  And what's even better is it seems I've found my 2nd trimester energy.

I kid you not when I say I haven't ran since my half in January.  That's almost 2 months ago people!  I've been feeling down.  I called it the winter blues, but really...I think it was the non-exercising blues.  I've missed the endorphins.  My body has punished me because it's been craving them.

I've told myself for the last 3ish weeks that today, TODAY was going to be the day I started moving again.  And each day passed, and no movement happened.

Finally, enough is enough.  I needed some good stress relief.  So I downloaded a new app.  It was one I've heard incredible things about from my dear friends Marcee and Denise.  I knew a lot of people used it.  I just never could swallow the steep price of it.  ($15 is a lot for an app to me.)

But I swallowed the cost and downloaded it anyway.  Today I broke it out and gave it a try.  Honestly, I realize it's only day 1, but I loved it!  And even more, I love Jeff Galloway's thoughts behind a run/walk race to avoid energy and finish strong.  I had done a lot of reading about the concept and knew it was something I wanted to try.

I thought today was going to suck.  Like suck bad.  (Remember, it's been 2 freaking months since I laced up my shoes!)  But I was surprised.  Don't get me wrong, I dreaded it.  Like full on tried to talk myself out of it.  But I turned on my treadmill and did it anyway.

You see, I have been putting this off for weeks (maybe longer).  I knew I could continue down that road and it would take me somewhere I don't want to be.  I don't want to gain a million and a half pounds in this pregnancy.  Pregnancy is NOT a reason to get fat.  So I knew I had a choice.  We all have this choice!

You can choose to give in to those excuses you make for yourself, or you can choose to push them aside.  Let me tell you, I've done both at times.  And after today, I remember just how damn good it feels to finish a work out!  How accomplishing a measly 1.82 miles can be.

So for you, yes YOU!  The one who is thinking of your own list of reasons to put off working out for today.  The one who keeps saying you are too busy.  Or that you'll start tomorrow.....tomorrow is not a day of the week!

Start today!  I swear to you, as much as it will suck when you begin...you won't regret it!

Needing advice.

I'm bummed.  Real bummed!

And I need some advice!

I've been ridiculously sick the last few days.  I was going to push through yesterday and run my scheduled 2-3 miles, but I just wasn't feeling up to it.

I missed last weeks 9 mile run.  I opted to repeat my week of running this week.  

Only.  I feel like crizap and don't wanna run.

Today I have absolutely NO VOICE.  It is seriously gone.

So that brings me to my dilemma.

I'm afraid I'm going to fall too far behind for January.

I've been hit and miss on the runs I've been able to do the last little bit.

So here's what my running schedule was SUPPOSED to look like for December:

Because I was sick I didn't do the 9 miles on the 7th.  My last long run was on the 30th of November.  I went 9 miles in 1:44 that day.

Here's what my ideal schedule looks like heading into January:

As you can see I have very little wiggle room before the 19th when the 1/2 is.

So now I have to decide what to do!

If I skip another long run this week....that would be bad, right?

So do I run while I'm sick?

Do I just go as far as I can?

Do I throw the whole schedule out and just push myself the best I can?

How far was your longest run before running a 1/2 marathon?

More than anything, I want to finish the 1/2 feeling strong.

NOT feeling like I had to crawl across the finish line.

Please!  Any advice you have, I need!  I'm down and out today...worried I won't successfully be ready for my 1/2 in just over a month.

Break.

It probably won't come as a surprise to the few who read this, but I'm taking a break from the blog for a bit.  My mind and head aren't in a very good spot and the last thing I'm going to do is come here and whine and complain about it.  That's not why I set this blog up.

Right now my head is jumbled.  And I have to work things out for myself.  I have to find me again.  Maybe it will take a day.  Maybe a week.  Maybe it will be a month.

I just need time.

Days

Do you ever have those days?

Rather, do you ever have those runs?  You know, the runs where your feet feel like bricks...like 50 lbs bricks EACH!  Or the runs where our knee starts to cramp a bit.  Or the runs when your head just isn't in it?

Yeah, I had all of those today.  I got on my treadmill and started, but I didn't really feel it today.

I wanted to quit.  But I didn't.
I wanted to walk during part of the running portion of my workout.  But I didn't.

You see, I have MADE MYSELF stick with running all of the portion when the little guy tells me to run.  If I start to let myself cheat I know I'll never build up the miles to run an entire race WITH OUT STOPPING!

And that is my goal, you know.

It's not even about how fast (although I'd like to be under the 11:00 min/mi mark by the time I run my "race."  But really, I'll just feel accomplished if I can run the ENTIRE THING!

Did I mention I am working towards a race?  I am.  Not an official race (because I couldn't find one during that time frame) but a race none-the-less.

According to my little app, I'm set to be ready to RUN an entire 5K by August 25th.  Coincidently, that is also the week I start back at school.  I thought it fitting to set that Saturday (the 25th) as my 5K.  I looked and looked online to find an actual official race to run.  There weren't any.  So, instead, I'm making my own 5K that day.  I've mapped the course.  I'm even making Jason go and drop me off at the "starting line."  I thought about finishing it at my house, but then it wouldn't feel like a race.  (Sounds dumb, I know.)  So I'm ending it by a school and park area by our house.  (And I'm making Jason and the kids be at the "finish line" cheering me on.

(Yes, I'm weird.)

But I really wanted this to feel like an official race.  I didn't want it to feel like any other run!

(Oh, and I'm going to do the same type of thing when I get to the end of my app...the 10K run...if I can't find a race then either.)

So each day I run/walk I try to push myself.  I have tried to do better each day to build my time and run a little faster while the app is pushing me to run a little further.

But today, well today I just pushed myself not to stop!

What can I say, some days are like that!

(P.S. Anyone who wants to run a fun easy 5K on August 25th, hit me up and I'll share the route...or for those reading this that are far away...because I know there are many...find your own route up north and run a 5K that day "with me".)  

Day 1

It's easy to want to jump on here and blog when the scale is moving in a direction I like.

Real easy.

And consequently, it's extremely difficult and humbling to log on and be accountable when it's not.

Remember on Monday how I was going to throw away all the crap food in my house?  Remember on Monday how I said I had gained...but at least I wasn't up in the 170's again.

That would have been the case, if I knew what self-control was!

But I don't.

So today I stepped on the scale and I knew it was bad.  So bad that I was ready to not show up, I didn't want to show my face to such a number.  But I texted my mom that I was going, so I had to be accountable.  I had to face the music.

I'm not going to lie.  There were tears.  I tried to hide them, but I didn't do a very good job.  Sure, I guess you could say I was sad I gained.  But really, the tears were of anger.

Anger at myself!

I knew better.  I should have done better!

I let myself down.

I disappointed myself.

So enough with beating myself up...........

I stayed at the meeting and I am so glad I did!  I needed the energy to pick up the broken self I was.  We talked about looking at a time you've been successful and really focusing on what you were doing at that moment.

I've had several times.  Running my marathon.  Hitting my first 10% at WW, hitting my 2nd 10% at WW.  Hitting the smallest weight I've been in a decade.

So what was I doing then?  I was consistent.  Consistently counting and tracking points.  Consistently passing up food I know aren't good for me.  Consistently getting in physical exercise.

I'm doing none of that right now.

DUH!  No wonder I'm up so much.

So I thought hard about what I wanted to do this week....what I could commit to between today and next Thursday.

1.  Tracking.  I will count everything bite I eat for this next week.
2.  Exercise.  I will find 3 days where I can get at least 30 min of exercise in.
3.  Steps.  I want to increase my steps again to the 10,000 mark.  I used to wear my pedometer all the time. Now days, I don't even have a clue how many steps I'm taking in a day.  But, I'll let you know...I'm sticking it on RIGHT NOW.....hold on.  I'm grabbing it......Okay, it's officially on my hip.  I now have 4 steps for the day.

I can do anything for a week!  Then, I'll reevaluate.....

So here goes my week of work.  Today is Day 1, I'm going to take it a day at a time.  Today I am going to CHOOSE to do better.

Because it's a choice, ya know?  And I'm tired of the choices I've been choosing lately.....

Reality

Okay.  I'm here.  And I'm still hovering at the same point...

I've also come to a conclusion:

No matter how much weight I lose, once I am at a standstill (maintaining the weight) I go right back to feeling fat as ever!

In my head I try to be rational...I try to tell myself that I am still amazing for losing all the weight I have lost.  I try to reassure myself I am not as big as I see myself in my head.

But slowly, the negative self-talk creeps back into my head.  All the feelings I had when I was at my biggest are there...and THAT is how I see myself in the mirror!  It's a battle.  I have to fight with myself everyday in the mirror because I don't believe what I see.  I have to fight with myself because I catch myself calling me horrible things like fat.

What scares me is the thought I might always be like this.  I am scared I will never truly feel satisfied, I might never feel small.

I hate how just a few months ago I felt small, skinny, and awesome for being the size I am now.  Today, I guess I have gotten used to this size and I'm right back to feeling fat, and lazy.

I hate the mind games...

Does it ever get better??  Please tell me it does...

Today

I'm sucking it up.  I'm going in to WW.

Warning:  It is NOT going to be pretty...

Sabotage.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Really?  Why?!

I get almost to a new place that I'm so excited about.......ALMOST.  Then I self sabotage with cookies, and ice cream, and donuts, and cheesecake.

Why?

I could just smack myself I am so angry!

I was inches...INCHES away from being considered a healthy weight at my weekly weigh in.  You think that would make me more careful!  You think that would make me work harder!  Especially with how freaking long it's taken these 10 pounds to fall off!

But no.  I'm an idiot human.

A very frustrated human that regrets turning to food the last few days.  Now I've got to bust my rear end and try and salvage this week.....

 

Oh Boy

Man.  This is the longest I've gone without updating.

(That's never a good sign!)

We went to Powell and had a fabulous time!!  I even skied!

More on my skiing milestone...later.

We came home and my weight was about the same.  Then came my ridiculously crazy, busy week full of studying for my first big test in the nursing program.  So busy in fact, I forgot to go weigh in at WW last week.  Honestly, it just skipped my brain.

This also meant no exercising.  NONE!  This meant eating on the go.  LOTS!  This meant late night snacking.  TOO MUCH!

All this equals a big gain. So big in fact that I did NOT want to go weigh in today.  Remember how I said I hadn't gained weight any week "officially" since I started WW?  Well, that's not true anymore.  I was up a whopping 4.2 pounds.  Gross, huh?

So that's the bad news.  Here's the good:  being accountable and going in anyways made me refocus.  I have my tracker out and in use!  I have my eyes open so I am much more aware of what I'm snacking on. AND, my husband is home for the next few days and I made him promise me he would kick me out the door at nights to go for a run!  (I haven't ran in I don't know how long....)

Here's hoping I can turn myself around QUICK and get back on track!

My scale hates me.

Don't worry I hate him too!

He thinks playing tricks on me is funny.  He thinks it's amusing to go up, not down.

It's all HIS fault!

Because it couldn't be my fault, right?  It couldn't be that I have been emotionally eating for the last 2 days, snacking on everything in sight, right?  It couldn't be that I haven't exercised in 5 days, right?  It couldn't be that I have stopped counting points, right?  And it definitely couldn't be that I keep stuffing my face with anything sweet in sight, right?

No, most certainly not.

This is NOT my fault.

In any case, I'm going to make him pay for playing these tricks on me!  You just wait and see, Mr. Scale!  I'm going to surprise you by the time this week is through!

Not good.

Today is not good.  Not at all.

I don't really want to go into details.

Just know that it's going to take a freaking miracle for me to not resort to emotional eating today!

Days

Do you ever have those days when you just don't feel good about yourself?  You know, the days when you feel so ugly, fat, etc?

Am I the only one??

Well, I've been having those days lately.  And when I have those days, I tend to rely on others to give me the boost I need to get past the feelings.  Only, the person I rely on most is way to busy to notice.

I know I don't look good in my clothes right now.  I know I don't even have nice clothes.  I wish I did!  I wanted just one outfit that I felt amazing in...that I felt I looked like a million bucks.  You know, with the jewelry to accent how amazing I look!  The type of outfit that actually turns peoples heads and gets them to notice me again.  But I don't!  I can't even remember what it feels like to turn my husbands head, let alone someone else's!

I have pants that are too big and fall off my body with every step I take.  I have other pants that are too small still and create a big old muffin top.  I only have the shirts that I wore when I was at my biggest.  I have a few ratty t-shirts that are super dressy, you know for those nights you go out on the town and want to make a great impression!  Or my maternity shirts, I have those too and still wear some of them.

You can imagine how attractive I feel right now.

And it really doesn't help that I still look in the mirror and think "ickkk" when I see my body, especially my naked body.  I don't know that I'll ever look how I dream of looking.  I know if I can't find myself attractive, neither will anyone else.  I just don't know what to do about it!  It scares me to death that after all the hard work I'm putting in that I will still be repulsed by myself in the mirror.  It scares me even more that my husband might not ever find me actually, truthfully attractive again.  Truthfully, it makes me want to give up and quit.

I hurts so bad to be so needy.  To beg others for approval.  But it also hurts like crazy to need that and not ever receive it.  If I do get a compliment, it's usually because I hinted that I needed one...or I asked how I look.  And even at that, the response is usually, "You look fine."

I don't want to look fine.  "Fine" makes me want to tear up and cry.  (In fact, I am doing that right now!) I don't want to have the one person I care most about in life to think I look "fine."  I realize I am being kind of a baby right now.  But is it too much to ask that I look better than "fine?"  I know I probably don't to him yet, but would a white lie really kill a person?  Even if you don't believe it yet, I need to hear encouraging things and I'm just not getting them.

So I'm off for another day in South Carolina...looking "fine" (you might as well tell me I'd look better in my PJ's because that's how it makes me feel!).  I'm off in clothes that don't fit, that aren't fancy.

I guess I'm just the frumpy, homely, insecure, unfashionable housewife....