Ripples

Let me start by taking you back to where the ripple in the water started....

I was doing so good with my exercising and running.  I was posting here more.  The scale was moving the right direction!  It was 2 weeks full of focus and determination to hit 10k steps, and to lift weights Mon/Wed/Fri.  

Then.  Last Wednesday came.

Nothing significant happened on Wednesday.  I just made one simple decision that has caused a ripple of other effects.

Wednesday I decided I would skip the morning leg lifts in our gym, and do them that evening instead.  Only.  I didn't.  By the time evening came, it sounded a lot better to sit and relax rather than changing into exercise clothes and start doing squats.  

So I gave in.

And from there, I allowed myself to give in to all sorts of terrible food.  I allowed myself to skip runs that I had planned.  I allowed myself to wallow.

See the ripple?

I was feeling all sorry for myself as I knew the scale would be moving in the other direction.  But I sat, wallowing, and shoving anything that was even moderately sweet into my pie hole.

Bad week?  Yes.  And for what reason?  None, other than I allowed it.

Losing weight is hard.  It is so hard to stay focused.  It can be so frustrating.  SO FRUSTRATING!  It's frustrating to have been so close, and now packed the weight back on.  (Granted, it was for a good reason....but it's still hard!)  

So yesterday I was sitting there...in my sweat pants...feeling all sorry for myself.  Then I had a very powerful and eye opening moment happen.  I'd like to open up and share...

As you know, I have 4 great children who mean the world to me.  Right now, one of my children is struggling.  I'd like to say a little bit, but that would be a lie.  She's really struggling, and it breaks my heart.  She is incredibly talented, you should hear the girl sing!!!  She is beautiful, inside and out!  She is hilarious!  She is kind, and helpful.  But she is struggling with her reading.  Over the last year+ as we've worked with her, it's become apparent that reading just doesn't come easily for her.  As I sat there yesterday, watching her S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E through her book I couldn't help but think of how frustrated she becomes.  She wants to be a great reader!  (She certainly puts in the time to become one!)  Some days, she does so great at sounding out words....other days, she struggles to name the letter she is looking at.  It breaks my heart to see her try so hard, and put in all the effort, only to feel like she is not good enough!  Tears have been shed (by both of us) as she tells me she feels dumb.

So you may be wondering why I would share such personal information about my sweet girl....let me explain!

Yesterday, as I sat listening to her, it dawned on me...there are many days when she becomes frustrated!  There have been many, MANY tears shed by her when she feels inadequate.  Yet through it all, she doesn't give up!

She never gives up!

My beautiful daughter dusts herself off, and keeps trying no matter how hard it is.  Why?  Because that is what our family does!  When hard things come our way, we don't stick our head in the sand.  We don't let hard keep us down.  Sure, it may knock us back...but we always, ALWAYS get up.  

So I sat there, realizing what an example she is to me!  She reminded me that the Bowling's never, NEVER give up when things get hard.  And just as she will continue to put in the endless time and effort to learn to do what she feels is impossible, so will I.  Together, we will both keep working on the hard things in life and we will become stronger for it!

(And one day, long down the road, if you ever read this....I hope you will know just know how much I love you Red Kitty!  You are incredible in so many ways...)

Strength

I read a beautiful blog post late last night by one of my all-time favorite bloggers, Kelle Hampton.  If you haven't read Kelle's story, it's one that is emotional and raw.  Her story has always hit close to home for me in a lot of different ways.  But that is for a different post...

Over the last week, I've struggled a bit.  To be completely honest, I've wondered if I did the right thing in sharing my story.  You see, I shared one of the most vulnerable parts of myself with you.  (And a bunch of other strangers.)  And up until this point, it hadn't been a huge deal.  In fact, up until this point I know I only had a few dozen people coming here regularly.

Now, that's changed.  A lot.

Kelle was speaking directly to me when she said:

If you share, if you publish, if you write, if you speak, if you are brave and decide to put yourself out there, I promise you, someone won't like it.  Someone won't agree with you.  Someone will misinterpret.  Someone will think that you are silly, unqualified and that your work is crap.  That you are crap.  They might not just think it but they might tell you.  And that won't feel good, especially not the first time you hear it.

Over the past couple weeks, I've received some negative feedback about my story.  Some of it from strangers, some not.  Some of them were sent directly to me, some I stumbled upon myself, and some others told me about.  But in all cases, it hurt.

It made me question if I was brave enough to continue on.  It made me question if I was doing the right thing in sharing such a personal, still heart-wrenching-to-me story.

I had been thinking long and hard about it.  Last night, after reading her post, I realized I already knew the answer.

Yes.  I have done the right thing in sharing.  It isn't easy to get negative feedback.  And hopefully my skin will get thicker.  I do value all opinions, and welcome them.  I only ask that you use tact and grace when vocalizing them.

I could have taken the easy way out.  I could have decided to let these several instances affect me.  I could have opted to stop opening myself up, I could opt to stop letting myself be vulnerable by choosing not to share my story and my words.  I could.

But it's moments like yesterday, when I open my email and am moved to tears because of the multiple beautiful emails I receive telling me how much I have touched them and changed their lives.  It's moments when I log on and read the comments left for me that give me chills, thinking of how many others might still need to find hope again.

That is what this blog is about.  Sure, the premise is a weight loss blog.  But it's about so much more!  It's about finding hope again.  It's about finding strength when you feel it is gone.  It's about learning to love yourself, especially when you feel most unlovable.

Lets be honest.

It is always easier to blog when things are going great.  You know, when I'm losing!  When I'm eating great!  When I'm doing what I know I need to do.

It is not always easy to blog when I'm not.

I've been struggling a bit.

Okay.  That's a lie.  I've been struggling a lot.

I haven't been able to quiet the negative self talk.  Which then causes me to enter "the cycle."  Let me describe it...maybe you can relate?

Negative self talk....negative self talk makes me feel like crap....I feel like crap so I reach out to food....I reach out to food and I feel like crap....I feel like crap so I don't exercise as much....the scale goes up....negative self talk happens.....rinse and repeat.

I've done a lot of thinking since my last post.  And I decided more than anything, I want people to know I'm normal.  I have bad weeks (or bad months!).  This journey has not been a straight loss for me.  I've hit major bumps, and I still continue to hit them from time to time.

I have hit a bump now.

And the last thing I wanted to do was blog about it because honestly, I felt dumb.

I mean really.  Who gets into the 140's and then gains all the way back up?  Me.  I do.  I did.  And I have been VERY hard on myself for it.

Sure, I could make you a million excuses:  school is hard, my life is full of stress, etc, etc, etc.

Ultimately, it hurts to know that I was so close YET AGAIN and then I fell into the self sabotage mode.  I've been down on myself for not finishing what I was SO CLOSE to finishing.  Really down.  But I've had a few ahh-ha moments I want to share.

1.  I may be frustrated with where I'm at in the moment, but that doesn't take away what I've done up until this point.  I have lost a lot of weight.  And I've managed to keep most of it off.

2.  I need to find joy in this journey.  My focus this next week is to find the moments when I can appreciate exactly where I'm at TODAY.  Sure, I may not be where I hoped to be.  But I'm a crap load ahead of where I used to be!

So while I intended to stop blogging for a while, I realize I actually need it.  I need to stay focused.  I need to STOP GAINING!  I need to be grateful for how far I've come.  And although I have to re-lose weight AGAIN, this is what the journey is about.  There isn't a finish line.  Rather, there is a lifetime of work ahead to maintain my health.

So no matter where you are in YOUR journey, take a fresh look at yourself TODAY.  Be proud of who you are!  And no matter what, DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!  I realize it's easy to do (stupid negative self talk!).  But really YOU deserve the best!  You DESERVE to hit your goals!  Maybe life has gotten hard for you too, that doesn't mean we give up on our goals.  Maybe we have to adjust the "finish date" but that doesn't take anything away from the end goal!

Continue working toward being the you you want to be and before you know it, you'll be there!

Neglected.

I have neglected my little blog.  (And coincidently, I have neglected myself.)

I've been in a funk.

We went up to SLC to visit family a few weeks back and ever since I came home I haven't been myself.  I've found myself diving head first into candy bowls, I've found myself making excuses as to why I don't need to run.  I've found myself averaging less and less steps daily.

Then, I realized:  THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!

This is exactly what I did last year.  Halloween came and went and I decided that I could move less and eat more.  The weight came on and I did nothing about it for 7 months.  This is exactly what I do when I am SOOOOOOO close to what I have considered impossible for quite some time now.

You see, I have always said I wanted to see 145 on the scale.  But I never really knew if that was possible.  So each time I get close (this year, I've been closer than EVER!) I enter into self-sabotage mode.

It's depressing.

It's humiliating.

It's frustrating.

So here I am.  Now.  Again, losing the weight I've already lost.  Luckily, I caught it this time.  I am only up a few.  And now I'm working back down to where I need to be...back to where I thought was impossible.

Because ultimately, my goal for January 1, 2013....to NEVER have to make another resolution to lose weight again!

I've got some work to do, but I have put my head down and I am gonna get there!

Days like this help.....(short story that I definitely want to remember)...

Today I set out to run 7 miles.  (My longest run yet in my training for the 1/2 marathon.)  I was feeling good, a little chilly, but good.  That is, until mile 5 hit me.  At 5.5 miles I started the uphill portion of the run.  And I think it was knowing that the remainder of my run would all be uphill that had me worried. I was struggling.  I was thinking about walking.

I honestly thought in my head 'who would even know if I walked a portion right now."

It was at that moment that 3 city workers stopped the work they were doing on a golf course and came to the edge of the street and began clapping.  (Well, 2 were clapping and 1 was giving me a thumbs up and yelled "You can do it!")

It just so happens that at that exact moment, the lyrics to the song in my ears were "I have been blessed, and it feels like I found my way.  I thank God for all I've been given at the end of every day.  I have been blessed."  

It's safe to say that my eyes began filling with tears.  I realized how far my body has come.  I realized that just back in July I couldn't even run 1.5 MINUTES without dying!  Now I was running miles and miles.

I felt blessed.

And I finished the run strong.

I love the tender mercies that get me through the hard times in life...it makes me feel not so alone even when difficult challenges lie ahead.  (in my runs, and in my life in general!)

Hopefully you can take a step back and find the tender mercies in your life as well, because I promise they are there!

I'm real.

Real honest.

And I honestly earned the number I saw.  (And not in a good way!)

I can't lie to you guys.  Monday and Tuesday were ROUGH!  I was emotional and I ate my emotions rather than feeling them.

Wednesday I pulled up my big girl panties again and moved forward.  (After all, I have a competition ending in 2 weeks that I REALLY want to win!)

Wednesday I rocked my face off with my food choices.  Today has been great too.

I guess you could say I'm back on track!

Huge thanks to all you sweet followers and friends for pulling me out of the dumps when I was perfectly content eating myself miserable.

My scale sits at about 160.something.  But.....all things considered, it could have been sooooo much worse.

I honestly didn't know what to post today and finally I realized.....EVERYONE messes up.  I've messed up along this journey 23420349482034823094820349 times!  But I haven't quit.  And neither should you!

I don't care if you had cheesecake last night!  I don't care if you stuffed your face with McDonald's AND Burger King just for lunch alone!  I don't care if you ate 6000 calories yesterday.  I don't care if you've been off the weight loss wagon for a long time or a short time.  The truth is, we all mess up.  Our success is determined merely by fact that we can brush ourselves off and do better.

Sadly, I'll probably mess up another 2390482304928 times.  (and so might you!)  So what?!  You are trying!  And THAT my friends is going to get you somewhere!

Success is measured by the amount of times we get back up after we fall down....and all you have to do is get up one more time than you fall to succeed!

So get up!

What's in a number?

I have said many times that I will not let the scale dictate who I am as a person!
We are certainly more than any number given...

However, there are moments in my journey when that number means a lot!  There are moments when that number defines, in some way, who we have become.

When I started this journey, that number defined me at 233 pounds.  (I'm 5'7)  This put me at severely obese, I even read on one chart that I was morbidly obese.

I was fat.  I liked food a lot.  Like, a lot, a lot!  I didn't exercise.  Like ever.

I would be out of breath climbing one flight of stairs!  I would never get down on the floor to play with my kids because I couldn't sit comfortably with all my fat bulging (not to mention I was too tired!).  My wardrobe consisted of sweatshirt hoodies and stretchy exercise pants most of the time.  (That I wore because they had an elastic waist, NOT to exercise in...)  I did have 2 pairs of pant that "fit"...and by "fit" I mean I could button up if I sucked in really hard and held my breath while the waist band pinched off all feeling creating a rather large muffin top.

I remember how awful I felt.  I remember hating mirrors.  I would NEVER look in them!  I was miserable.  I felt stuck.

One might question how a person gets that way.  I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you that for me food was my comfort.  I hated myself.  HATED MYSELF!  I had repressed a lot of emotional garbage.

For years (10 years to be exact) I allowed the self-hate and the self-blame from being raped affect me.  You see, I decided all those 10 years ago (11 now...) that I didn't deserve anything out of life.  I decided I was damaged goods after everything that happened to me.  Over the years I ignored my feelings, I ignored myself.  I ate to numb the hurt and pain that was too difficult to face.  Eventually, it began affecting every aspect of my life!  I would even try to self-sabotage relationships when I felt I didn't deserve to be in them...luckily I have an amazing husband that never left my side through it all!

I had let myself become the girl that ate upwards of 3,000-4,000 calories a day at times (maybe more...I stopped counting).  I had let myself become the girl that would go through 3 different fast food drive-thrus for 3 different dinners...then be so ashamed and embarrassed that I would stop at a dumpster before heading home to get rid of the "evidence."  Because if my husband never knew, it must have never happened....right?

I was the girl that could eat a whole carton of ice cream without thinking about it!  I was the girl that would eat a 4th and 5th meal every night!

I was the girl that was so sad at who I had become that I just kept spiraling downward.

Then.  It hit me.  Like a million bricks!  I took my daughter into the doctor for a well-child check up where he told me that if I wasn't careful, her growth pattern would continue down a very bleak road.  He showed me the graph.  We followed the pattern, and by age 18 she was set to be at a 36 BMI.

(Before I go on, let me add in a side note:  My children have an EXCELLENT pediatrician who was very careful to talk just to me about this as to not birth any self-esteem issues in my daughter who to the average joe looked relatively healthy....not fat, maybe a little thick, but by no means fat!  And I'm so grateful to him for his caution in approaching the subject!)

I left the office that day and sat in my car and took a good look at myself.  For one of the first times, I realized I needed to make a choice.  I could choose to continue down the path I was leading my children, OR I could choose better for them.

Up until this point, 9 times out of 10 I would let my past win.  I would let the hurt and the anger and raw emotions of all that happened to me get the best of me!  I was allowing those pathetic jerks, who forever changed my life, to continue dictating the path I was on because I didn't think I deserved any better for myself.  I was being a victim in my own life.

And had it only been affecting me, there is a chance this story would have been totally different.  However, that day I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that the obesity was going to stop with me!  I realized I put my family (and myself) through enough already, now....a decade later I needed to finish fixing what I started when I ran that marathon to heal.  You see, I had released the hurt and the pain and the anger when I trained for that marathon.  But I never had been able to fix my "deserve level."

I can honestly say, thanks to my children and husband I realized I did deserve more!  They also deserved more!  They deserved a mom and wife who looked forward to living.  They deserved a mom and wife who was teaching them healthy coping mechanisms, rather than the garbage I'd been showing them for far too long!

And that's where the journey began...slowly.

And while the journey is still in progress, yesterday became a milestone that for YEARS felt so out of reach!  Sure, it might just be a number on the scale to some...but to me, I can look in the mirror today and FINALLY say I am healthy again after a decade of suffering guilt, anger, remorse, frustration, loneliness, embarrassment, shame, and so much more!

 I finally hit 159.5 which puts me at a healthy weight again for the first time in my life since I was raped!

The emotions I felt (and am still feeling) as I saw that number on the scale were so overwhelming!  (The tears still stream down my face now!)

Everyone has different reasons for why they do what they do.  And no matter what the reason was that you gained weight, you have the power to stand up and change!  It may feel hard.  It may seem unrealistic.  But I promise, I PROMISE!  Each of you has the power to determine your own success story!

Don't let things from your past determine who you are today, and who you will be tomorrow!  I allowed my past to dictate my life for far too many years!  Years that I will never get back!  And now today, seeing where I've pushed myself to physically...I know I am strong.  I know I can can accomplish hard things!

(just for side by side comparison)

While I couldn't say this 10 years ago, I can today:  Life is good today!  And I am in love with the life I have.  Sure, it is still hard...LOTS!  But it is good, and I feel so blessed to be living the life I have!  Crappy things happen to all of us!  ALL OF US!  But the true determination of character is who we become from our past, how we let it shape our lives!

It is never to late to take back control in your life....NEVER!

Hard things.

School is back in full stress swing.  I can already tell this semester is going to be one of the biggest tests for myself.  I realize last year, my instructor really gave us the information we needed to know.  This year, not so much.

This year I'm expected to be a grown up.  (GASP!)  This year, my instructor has promised to take us from incompetent nursing students to an actual, real, live nurse.  She is making us work and learn on our own.  She is directing us, but not handing it to us.

I like this.  I think it will make me appreciate myself and my intellect a little more.

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared to death!  But this is going to push me to become a better nurse.

I was thinking about that in regards to weight loss.  Wouldn't it be so much easier if someone handed us the magic scale that absorbed all our weight?  Wouldn't it help to take away a lot of stress, a lot of tears?  But in the end, would we appreciate it as much?  Or would we take it for granted, and maybe even let ourselves get back to where we were before?

I think when we have to push ourselves, when we have to work our asses off for something we really want (whether it's school, weight, a relationship, a race) THAT is when we "get it."  That is when the reward is so delicious!

Sure, it would be easier if someone handed me a nursing license today and said have at it.  But you know what...I wouldn't have the knowledge I need to be a great nurse.  Losing weight is the same way!  If you don't take the journey...every blasted step of the journey...you won't have the knowledge to keep your lifestyle healthy!

So while the easy way out sounds easy...really, it's just full of disappointment and regret.  Don't sell yourself short.  Put in the work for whatever it is you REALLY want.  Push yourself further when you want to give up, because trust me...there are MANY days I want to give up.

Learn this:  giving up is the easy decision!  We are each so much stronger.  You don't give up when it gets hard!  That should be a lesson we all learned in Kindergarten!  When it gets hard, well that is when we grow the most!  That is when we learn the most.  (I must be learning a LOT lately from all the hard.)

So take your weight loss (or your relationship, or your schooling, or anything else) and look it square in the face and have the courage to do hard things!

I promise, you won't regret it.  You may cry.  You may curse.  You may get frustrated while you are learning along the journey.  But I promise, in the end, you will NEVER regret finding the courage to do hard things!!

Watch this video to learn the importance of NEVER underestimating what you can accomplish when you believe in yourself!  (Thanks Mallory!)

And NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP!

Feelings

So I have a lot of feelings running through my head.

Most of them start with embarrassed and end with humiliated.

You see I have really been stupid.

I have worked hard and as of late I have just plain old given up.

I might as well have thrown in the towel.

Yep.

Humiliated just about covers it.

I mean, really!  Who loses like 70 pounds so they can stand up, clear their throat and whisper...I've gained back almost 30 of it.

Seriously.

I wasn't even going to post that.  Truthfully, I was going to make the blog private to talk about this.  THAT is how embarrassing it is to own up to this.  It makes me mad.  I makes me want to cry.  It even makes me want to give up and scarf down the cookies in my pantry.

I was ridiculously embarrassed when I had gained 12 pounds...then 15...then 17.  Now I don't even want to face myself let alone anyone who MIGHT happen to read this.

Yes, I could justify the big gains with school, husband gone all the time, going on a cruise.

But really...they are all excuses.  If I'm being honest...and honest is what I need to be...then the truth is I have been making some really sucky decisions lately.  I'm tempted to start WW again...but it costs a lot of moolah, and I don't feel it's something I can budget in right now.  ($50/month)

So this is on me.  On my shoulders.  I have to go back to why I did this to begin with.  I have to refocus on setting a better example...because lately I've been doing a pretty terrible job.

I am done living in the past.  Yes, I was down in the 150's for a 1/2 second.  I was in the 160's even longer!!  Now I'm not.  Now I'm back in the 180's GASP.  I think the world might end now that I've said that out loud.  (Seriously, you have no idea how terribly hard it is for me to admit I've gained THAT MUCH back!)  (And it's not even the low 180's....we're talking mid to high 80's!  We're talking stand on the scale with tears in my eyes asking myself why, why, WHY!?

I mean really....who does that?  Who just throws their hands in the air and turns their back to the scale.....pretending it doesn't exist?

I did.

But not anymore.

I figure I can either start playing the game of hardball ....or I have to be okay with being fat.

I will NEVER be okay with being fat.

The fat girl inside of me tries to trick me when I'm most vulnerable though.  She tells me, "It's not all that bad...really, it's only a few pounds here and a few there."

SHE LIES!

Having excess weight is terrible.  Sure, for vain reasons.  But right now Alisha...right this second remember the difference you are feeling in your breathing.  Remember how awful it feels to walk into your closet knowing all your clothes USED to fit.  Now, I search for baggy....unfortunately, sweatshirts don't really fly when it's like 100 degrees outside!

So yes.  That girl lies to you to make herself feel better.  You do not want her to feel better.  You should not feel good at all about where you are.  Take where you are right now and make it better tomorrow...and next week.  Figure this crap out.

Today.  I am back.  I am not quitting.  I am not quitting on myself.  Not today, not ever.  This may take me a lot longer that I had originally planned, but I will not quit on myself.  I wasn't raised a quitter, I'm not raising quitters, and I'm surely not a quitter!

Today.  I am back.  Watch out.

Future

Here's what I know for certain.  Nothing is for certain.  But, I've learned to plan anyway.

And because I have a lot of stress in my life right now...(A LOT)...I need an out.

So I'm turning back to running. 

I found a great training plan that will keep me focused during all the craziness of life.

So come March 31st, you will find me here:

Running my guts out.

This marathon, I have a specific time I want to hit. 

This marathon, I know what to expect and I know I can make it!

This marathon, I am going to be dedicated in my training.

This year I have 3 marathons I want to hit (and a few other races in there too). 

So look out....and watch me run!