Summer is Hard

Let me just say what you all are thinking:

SUMMER IS HARD TO STAY ON TRACK.

But really, replace "summer" with "anytime."  Because that's the truth.  Yes, it was the 4th of July this past week.  And oh boy, did we celebrate!  We enjoyed a delicious breakfast in the canyon with my fantastic family.  (Have I mentioned that breakfast is my FAVORITE meal?)  (Because it is!)

That evening we also kept with tradition and had a marvelous firework show with home made ice cream.

I'll be honest.  Not once did I ever consider saying "no" to either of these things.  Because you see, this is my life.  And I am going to enjoy the traditions that come with it.  Did that mean that July 5th I continued celebrating?

Nope.  Not at all.

In fact, I still have strawberry homemade ice cream in my freezer that I haven't even been tempted to touch.

You see, you have to live.  You can't deprive yourself.  This journey I am on does not have a finish line.  There is no, "well I have to avoid it all NOW...until I reach some number, only to then binge myself sick with all the foods I've avoided."

I've stuck to my plan.  One day a week I can not be accountable for what I eat.  For me, July 4th was that day.  And since then, I've lifted and ran and worked out and eaten great.

All in all, I'm very happy with the results I had this last week.

(Obviously I'm still a bit behind in my tracking for Marco Island, but I'm going to keep pushing and see what I can make happen!)

Clearly, my results aren't quite what my crazy husband managed to do.  But, he was also working out 3 times a day (sometimes more) and he cut out all fast food.  Up until this last week, he ate out pretty much every lunch wherever he wanted to for work.  He stopped that completely.  He stayed focused with food.  Eating lots of protein and veggies.  Man, if only I could have a week like that!

In all seriousness, it feels fantastic to be running along side someone who is pushing me to be better.  We lift together either in the morning or at night every day.  I LOVE it.  It's our time!  I love that I have seen a change in his body already, and he in mine.  This ride we are taking is a lot more fun with a partner and I'm grateful to have him as mine.  We haven't always been "good."  In fact, we've had some pretty rough times in the past.  (Not something I'll dive in to today, but possibly in the future as it relates...)  The point is, neither of us has given up.  We've begun really working on communicating better, and making each other a priority.  Anything worth having takes work!  Marriage, friendships, family relationships, getting healthy.  It all takes constant work.

So I challenge you this week.  Work on what is important to you!  That is the steps Jason and I have taken.  We are putting all our energy and focus into the positive parts of our life.  Life has enough ups and downs, there is no need to focus on the negative or the drama.  Instead choose to live your best life.  It won't be easy.  There will be negativity all around.  So you have to make a choice.  Today.  Right now.  Choose to focus on what makes you a better person....I promise, it works!

Eyes Wide Open

I don't even know what to say.
Or how to start this post.
So bare with me, I'm just going to write.

Have you ever had one of those moments where reality slapped you across the face?
Hard.

It just happened.
Tonight.

And now, I'm sitting on my bed (in my PJs), alone, trying to wade through the feelings.
Shock, denial.  Pity.  Embarrassment.  More denial.  Confusion.  More embarrassment.

I know we are our own worst critics.
I get that.
But a picture is worth a 1000 words.
And this one (or these ones) were bad.

Like I can't even bring myself to post them, so bad.

I'm not going to lie.  I've avoided mirrors for a while.
Other than my itty, bitty compact mirror that I use to see my face close up when doing my make up.
I wear a lot of hats, or messy buns, or pony tails.

I have successfully avoided myself going on the last 9 months (since I had Madison).

And then tonight happened.

I saw a picture of what I look like in this moment, at this weight.
And I cried.

That's not me.
That's not what I picture myself looking like.
That's not who I was a year and a half ago.
Who is this person?
How do I get me back?

You may be reading this and thinking, 'geez...it's all about the weight', right?
Well you'd be wrong.

I saw more than the extra 50 pounds I've packed on in the pregnancy (and since kept on).
I saw a sadness in my eyes in a moment I thought I was happy.
I see frustration.
Frustration that I keep quitting on myself.  That I keep giving myself "outs."

Enough!
No more outs.
No more valid excuses.
It has to change.
Because if you don't make a change, you are just going to continue getting the same results.

Tonight my head changes.
I'm not giving up on this journey to find me.
I know I'm in there.
I know I'm worth fighting for.

Now comes the scary part...
doing it.

Twists and Turns

Sometimes, people think you have things all figured out.

Here's a secret:  they don't.  No one has everything all figured out.

You see, this journey we are on…the progress we are making, it's a continual thing.  There are ups and downs along the road.  Trust me, I know!

So lets address the elephant in the room.  Since Thanksgiving I have done VERY LITTLE.  (And very little would be a generous statement.)

I'm not going to lie.  I've been in a funk.  And if I'm being completely honest, I've been in a funk for a long while.

Many of you know that our little Madison was a surprise.  A very unexpected surprise.  I had a hard time getting excited.  (Judge away.)  When she was born, I was worried I wouldn't connect with her because I was pretty bitter about getting pregnant right when I was at the peak of my health (yes, totally self-centered feelings, but my feelings none-the-less.).

I can tell you that I have ABSOLUTELY fallen in love with that little girl!  She was meant to be with our family!

I hoped once she was born, I'd bounce right back into everything.  But, I didn't.
I hoped once she was born, I'd get re-energized about my health.  But, I haven't.

I struggled with moving away from the place I called home, I struggled with finding new friends.  I struggled with feeling alone.  I am still struggling with some postpartum depression.  And how did I combat those struggles?  Food.  And it hasn't helped that the holidays came with DELICIOUS treats.

The last few months have been hard.  There have been many days full of tears.  There have been moments when I stayed in bed all day because it was too taxing to simply get dressed…let alone go work out.

There have also been times I've tried.  I've tried to force myself to do better.  And when I've forced myself to get moving, or even get out of the house, I do feel better.  But it's been hard.  And I'm here, sharing it because I need out.  I feel like I've been in a fog…or rather, drowning under water.  That I can look up and see the surface.  And I know I need to kick my legs and swim to get there, so I don't drown…only that would take effort, and I've simply not had any.  I'm tired of it.  I need to break through the surface.

There are many who are too ashamed to share what I've just shared.  In fact, I've been embarrassed about it myself.  I felt I should have been stronger.  I wanted to be stronger.  I wanted to show my journey of 'wins' and felt dumb that I couldn't pull myself together.  But here's what it comes down to, I'm in a battle with my body (mentally and physically) and I'm going to win.  Maybe I won't win everyday, but in the end…I'm going to come out on top.

So here I am.  Asking for a little compassion…not from my readers.  You readers have always been SO compassionate.  I'm asking for compassion from myself.  I'm telling myself that it is okay to have fallen down.  And it's okay to have to start over.  And more importantly, it's okay to be honest about where I am at so I can get the support I need.

Here's to focusing on health for 2014, and the hard journey that I have ahead…