Why I do this...

I thought it might be fitting to put together a post of explanation.  You see, there is a contest going on and there are some questions arising about who I am, and what am I about.  I'd like to take a moment to explain.

Basically, I want YOU to know why THIS CONTEST means so much to me.....

As you might have noticed, I started my journey well in to the 200's....233.9 to be exact.

But my journey started way before I ever hit that number.  Many of my readers already know the big events (believe me, there are some doozies!) that have happened in my life leading up to my significant weight loss.  I detailed them in the MY STORY section.
(go catch up, I'll wait.....)

Here is what I really want you to know about me....

I am a girl who fought with the inner fat girl for years.  I wanted to be thin.  I wanted to lose weight.  I wanted to look great in that bikini.  I wanted to feel attractive both in clothes, and out of them!  Yet the want was never enough to propel me forward.  Instead, I would try all the quick fixes...I would tell myself I'd start tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  That day never came.  I'd eat fast food like it was going out of business!  (Some days I'd even stop at multiple food joints and then discard the "evidence" before I ever got home.)  The scale went higher, my clothes got tighter.  I was ashamed.

I couldn't stand to look in the mirror, let alone take a picture!  (Hence the reason I have so few "before" pictures to choose from...)

I even was at the point that I thought I was destined to be "big" forever.  I tried to hide in the back of rooms, I dreaded the thought of actually being noticed!

And then something clicked inside my head.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I figured out that I actually had control of my life.  I actually had control of what I did, what I ate, of everything!  I realized that for too long I had been hiding my emotions in the food I was eating.  I realized I needed to take back control of my own life...a control that I thought was taken from me all those years ago when I was raped.

I realized that I had learned to use food to cope.  To cope when I was sad, when I was happy, when I was depressed, when I was angry, when I was PMS-ing.  I was addicted to food, and lots of food!  And as I took a step back, I realized this food addiction was being taught to those I loved most in this world.....my children!

So what I wouldn't do for myself, I began doing for them.  Slowly, I started making changes.  Mostly with my food in the beginning.  I was careful to track what I ate.  I am completely convinced that losing weight is 80% what you put in your mouth and 20% what activity you do.  I began eating more vegetables than I've ever eaten in my entire life!  (I'm not kidding!)  Then, I added in walking (NOT running).  (Running was too painful at the size I was at!)  Slowly the scale started moving.  The more the scale moved, the more focused I became.

And you're waiting for a wahlah, everything was perfect ever since..........right?

Well, you have the wrong blog.  You see, this blog is all about life being in progress for good....and that applies to my journey (as well as yours!).  I have fallen down so many times I have lost count.  My knees are bloody.  I have wanted to quit over and over again.  But here I am, because I decided to stand up one more time than I have fallen (and I will continue to do that WHEN I fall again!).

 (Me, this past week wearing a YOUTH large)

You see, we all are going to fall.  We all are going to have slip-ups.  It's life.  It happens.  The key is how you decide to react to those set-backs.  For too long, I'd use the set-backs as an excuse to "quit."  Not realizing that each set-back we have in life makes us stronger!

So why is this contest so important to me?  Probably the same reason this blog is so important to me!  Because I have the FIRM BELIEF that YOU have the ability to become your best self too.  And if reading my story, and the hell I've had to overcome, helps motivate even just ONE PERSON I feel it's worth it.  I want YOU to know that it IS possible.  I don't care if you've tried 2039482304820439820 times in the past to lose weight, YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FUTURE!

Did you hear me?  Because I'm speaking from my heart here...your past, no matter what it is, does not determine who you are to become!

What does determine your future is what you do TODAY!  Are you going to take steps forward today to paint the future you want for yourself?  Or are you going to just "wish" that "one day" you "might" get there.

You can do this, just as I have, and just as so many others have!  You are powerful, and have the strength to do hard things!  So please, put your head down....your blinders on....and start moving in the direction you want to be!

No matter what

Today I lost my motivation.

I had such a hard time finding the desire to get my work-out on.  I laid in bed longer than usual, and by the time I was up I was thinking about making an excuse to put it off.

It's true what they say...the first step into your run is always the hardest!

I remembered a cute little song from Martina McBride.  The song talks a lot about excuses people can make for not doing this...but ultimately we need to Do it Anyway!

So I did.

I popped in my headphones and began and I am so glad that I did.  Not only did I do it, but I pushed myself harder today.  Maybe it was the music I was listening to that motivated me, maybe it was the scale.  Or maybe, it was just me.

I got pretty emotional today as a song came on.  It's a cheesy song.  (But you'll learn that I'm quite the cheese ball!)  But today as I was trying to push myself harder than I have so far, I was really letting the words sink in:

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreaming 
But there's a voice inside my head saying 

'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking,

Every move I make feels lost with no direction

My faith is shakin

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

~The Climb, Miley Cyrus

I cried.

That pretty much sums up a lot of why I was struggling this morning.  I have head issues, and sometimes they are difficult to get past!  

It's stupid, really!  I mean I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sometimes.  Somedays I have no doubts where I'm going.  Somedays I can almost feel myself at a healthier weight.  Then, there are days like this morning.  Days when it feels so far.  Days when it feels too hard.

There are moments when I start wondering if it's really worth it.  Crazy, huh?!  But as Miley says, I gotta keep my head held high!  I have got to keep trying.  

Because I have to believe that in the end, it will be worth it.  It will be worth every step I've taken, every ounce of sweat, every sore muscle, every tear I've shed, every dessert I've passed up...

It's just gotta be worth it!

(Side note:  I've been tracking my average pace this week while doing the couch-to-10K app.  I am super excited that from Monday I've stepped up my pace by 2 minutes!

Monday 7/9/12:  15:44 min/mile

Wednesday 7/11/12:  14:26 min/mile

Friday 7/13/12:  13:47 min/mile

All three run/walks were the exact same...I just upped my speed each time.  I'm hoping by the time I'm ready for the 10K portion of this (at the end of the 14 weeks) that my pace will be a lot closer to 10:00 min/miles....or GASP, even in the 9:00's!)

Accountable

I promised accountability.  Here it is.

My scale this morning read 181.2.

That's a little bit up from before vacation.  (0.6 to be exact.)  I do feel very bloated right now, and I KNOW I haven't been getting the water in that I should.  So that's my focus today...up the water intake!

Thursday is my "official weigh in day."  I wanted to be in the next "10's" by then.  (The WW scale is what I post my actual weights on my stats page, and it won't be until Thursday that I gage where I came home from vacation at.)  I'm not sure if the 70's will happen or not.  I'm still going to bust my butt and give it everything I've got to get there!

But I am proud that I stayed below my 10% WW mark.  That means I'll be getting my award on Thursday!

I already worked out for an hour this morning, I'll be doing at least another hour tonight.  We'll see what that does for me.

On a side note...I WISH I HAD A TREADMILL!  Seriously though!

I want THIS treadmill.  The Nordictrack Elite 9500 pro.  Fully equipped with the iFit feature that I'm DYING to use!

It's so hard to get a decent work out in being "single mom" to 3 kids.  I can't take them out running with me in 100+ degree weather.  I can't keep them up until 11pm when it cools down.  I can't drag them out of bed at 5:30am to go for a walk.  I'm kinda limited.  I do have a gym membership.  And I would take the girls in a heartbeat to the day care there....but not Connor.  I guess I don't trust them with a baby-baby, and ewww...if they put him on the floor!  YUCK!

So yes!  I wish I had a treadmill.  I fully utilized the one at the hotel.  Even though I had Connor the whole time, I just strapped him on me thanks to my handy dandy Moby Wrap and it worked perfectly!

I guess I should start saving my pennies, I know they don't come cheap...