Be the Change

It's time for me to get up.

It's time for me to brush myself off.

I know I've said it before.

And I've hesitated even blogging about it again.

But because I'm honest, and this journey is real, I am putting myself out there.

I am hoping this will be the last time I start over.  

I am hoping this time will be the time things click again.

I am hoping I never have to come to this blog and say I'm sorry for falling off the wagon.  Or I'm sorry for neglecting myself and this blog.  

So for my own sake.  I'm documenting.

Today.

Today is the day I made a big commitment. 

Today is the day I sought out help from others.

I'll go more into everything soon.

But just know, today is real.

Today I'm fighting to get me back.

It's going to be a battle, but I've gotta win.

So I'm off to make a grocery list and give this week 110%.

Today I'm going to live the change I want to be...

Eyes Wide Open

I don't even know what to say.
Or how to start this post.
So bare with me, I'm just going to write.

Have you ever had one of those moments where reality slapped you across the face?
Hard.

It just happened.
Tonight.

And now, I'm sitting on my bed (in my PJs), alone, trying to wade through the feelings.
Shock, denial.  Pity.  Embarrassment.  More denial.  Confusion.  More embarrassment.

I know we are our own worst critics.
I get that.
But a picture is worth a 1000 words.
And this one (or these ones) were bad.

Like I can't even bring myself to post them, so bad.

I'm not going to lie.  I've avoided mirrors for a while.
Other than my itty, bitty compact mirror that I use to see my face close up when doing my make up.
I wear a lot of hats, or messy buns, or pony tails.

I have successfully avoided myself going on the last 9 months (since I had Madison).

And then tonight happened.

I saw a picture of what I look like in this moment, at this weight.
And I cried.

That's not me.
That's not what I picture myself looking like.
That's not who I was a year and a half ago.
Who is this person?
How do I get me back?

You may be reading this and thinking, 'geez...it's all about the weight', right?
Well you'd be wrong.

I saw more than the extra 50 pounds I've packed on in the pregnancy (and since kept on).
I saw a sadness in my eyes in a moment I thought I was happy.
I see frustration.
Frustration that I keep quitting on myself.  That I keep giving myself "outs."

Enough!
No more outs.
No more valid excuses.
It has to change.
Because if you don't make a change, you are just going to continue getting the same results.

Tonight my head changes.
I'm not giving up on this journey to find me.
I know I'm in there.
I know I'm worth fighting for.

Now comes the scary part...
doing it.

Twists and Turns

Sometimes, people think you have things all figured out.

Here's a secret:  they don't.  No one has everything all figured out.

You see, this journey we are on…the progress we are making, it's a continual thing.  There are ups and downs along the road.  Trust me, I know!

So lets address the elephant in the room.  Since Thanksgiving I have done VERY LITTLE.  (And very little would be a generous statement.)

I'm not going to lie.  I've been in a funk.  And if I'm being completely honest, I've been in a funk for a long while.

Many of you know that our little Madison was a surprise.  A very unexpected surprise.  I had a hard time getting excited.  (Judge away.)  When she was born, I was worried I wouldn't connect with her because I was pretty bitter about getting pregnant right when I was at the peak of my health (yes, totally self-centered feelings, but my feelings none-the-less.).

I can tell you that I have ABSOLUTELY fallen in love with that little girl!  She was meant to be with our family!

I hoped once she was born, I'd bounce right back into everything.  But, I didn't.
I hoped once she was born, I'd get re-energized about my health.  But, I haven't.

I struggled with moving away from the place I called home, I struggled with finding new friends.  I struggled with feeling alone.  I am still struggling with some postpartum depression.  And how did I combat those struggles?  Food.  And it hasn't helped that the holidays came with DELICIOUS treats.

The last few months have been hard.  There have been many days full of tears.  There have been moments when I stayed in bed all day because it was too taxing to simply get dressed…let alone go work out.

There have also been times I've tried.  I've tried to force myself to do better.  And when I've forced myself to get moving, or even get out of the house, I do feel better.  But it's been hard.  And I'm here, sharing it because I need out.  I feel like I've been in a fog…or rather, drowning under water.  That I can look up and see the surface.  And I know I need to kick my legs and swim to get there, so I don't drown…only that would take effort, and I've simply not had any.  I'm tired of it.  I need to break through the surface.

There are many who are too ashamed to share what I've just shared.  In fact, I've been embarrassed about it myself.  I felt I should have been stronger.  I wanted to be stronger.  I wanted to show my journey of 'wins' and felt dumb that I couldn't pull myself together.  But here's what it comes down to, I'm in a battle with my body (mentally and physically) and I'm going to win.  Maybe I won't win everyday, but in the end…I'm going to come out on top.

So here I am.  Asking for a little compassion…not from my readers.  You readers have always been SO compassionate.  I'm asking for compassion from myself.  I'm telling myself that it is okay to have fallen down.  And it's okay to have to start over.  And more importantly, it's okay to be honest about where I am at so I can get the support I need.

Here's to focusing on health for 2014, and the hard journey that I have ahead…

 

Fresh Starts

I think fresh starts are always refreshing.  I've been on my fresh start now for the past few months.  Now, I've decided I'd like to document my new life in progress so I have something to look back and and refer to.  Maybe a journal of sorts of my journey.

So today I will give the back story.  For years I have struggled with my weight.

YEARS!  (like my entire marriage practically.)

I really can't remember the last time I was happy with what I weighed, or happy with how I felt about myself.  I think about all the years and the memories I have sacrificed because of this issue.

I'm not saying that I haven't had wonderful memories along the way.  What I am saying is that I know how I have felt about myself and my weight has held me back on more than one occasion.

There's been many times that I've started to change.  There's also been many times that I've given up on changing.

Changing is HARD!

There are some big fears I have, but I will get into those later.  Today is just about where I am now, and what brought me to this point.

So.  My name is Alisha.  I'm a food addict.  And even more specifically, I'm a sweets addict.  Yes, it's true...I have a sweet tooth like no one's business.  Trust me people, I didn't get the size I am now (or was) by eating just veggies.

Where did I start?  Well, after high school I progressively added a few pounds each year.  I had some horrible things happen to me that led me to start becoming an emotional eater.  The birth of my 3 children added on a bit of weight.  Slowly, but surely the weight has just found a nice comfy place to reside.  And now I'm ready for it to leave, once and for all!!

There's been years that I've been healthier than others.  Shoot, I even ran a marathon.  I wasn't at a healthy weight at that point, but I was working on it.  Then I just gave up for one reason or another.  Slowly, that weight came back on.

About a year ago I wanted to make a change again.  You see, I had been having MAJOR issues with getting pregnant again.  I didn't know if it would ever happen for us again.  I needed to focus on something else.  That's when I decided to sign up for Weight Watchers.  I LOVED it!

I was seeing AWESOME success.  At this point in my life I was the largest I have EVER been (even during pregnancies).  So slowly, I calculated points and my weight started dropping.  I began that round of Weight Watchers at a whopping 233 pounds!  (gross!!)  Not long after, I had dropped a significant amount.  ALMOST my 10%, which is the first big goal for WW.  I loved the program.  I loved that I could eat what I wanted, I just had to be accountable.  That's about when I found out I was pregnant with Connor.  Eeeek!  We were excited, but I was also a bit sad.  For the first time I was seeing regular, real success.  Now, I was pregnant and no doubtedly going to add to my already heavy weight.  By my first doctor appointment, I was already up to 215 again.  So it was then that I committed to myself that I would watch my weight during my pregnancy so I could continue my weight loss journey when I was done.  It worked!  (Although, I think being RIDICULOUSLY SICK the ENTIRE pregnancy had something to do with that!)  I actually only gained 7 pounds during the pregnancy.  (It helped that I lost a lot in the beginning when I was on IV fluids and medications for extreme hyperemesis.

I delivered Connor April 15, 2011 weighing 222 pounds.  I was trying to stay under the 220 mark, but was happy that I didn't get all the way back up to my highest point!!

I knew that after I have my babies, the weight seems to just fall off me!  Especially after I have a C-Section!  So I fully expected that, and was not disappointed!  With very little effort or exercise, I was down to 202.4 lbs by my birthday.  It was at that point that I used my birthday money to re-sign up for Weight Watchers.

May 6, 2011.  I signed up and recommitted to myself.  I am determined this time is a fresh start for good!  I know the road will be full of ups and downs.  I am ready to face them head on!

Fast forward a few months (3 to be exact) and I am still going strong with the program.  The best part, I've decided (on my own) to add some exercise with the point counting.  Man, what a difference!!  That doesn't mean there aren't days and weeks that I'm frustrated, because there are!  That also doesn't mean that I haven't set goals along this fresh start that I've missed.  The only difference is that when I miss those goals....I keep going!  I can't stop.  I have too much riding on this!  I am determined to stop the cycle of over-weight for my family!  For my husband, for my children, extended family.  It finally occurred to me that I have to be the leader in this life change.  Hopefully others will follow!

So onto my official numbers as of now...As of yesterday, I am down to 183.2!!  I am ONE POUND away from my WW 10% goal!  That means that since April 15th when I had Connor, I am down 38.8 pounds...or since my highest moment a year ago, I'm down 49.8 pounds.  And right now, I weigh less than I did when I ran my marathon!

So I will be using this blog as an outlet.  To express what I'm feeling along this treacherous journey.  The happy moments, the discouraging moments.  I am excited that by the end of this journey I'll be able to read back about my progress!  (kind of like I made for my marathon!)