Lessons

I've talked before about my love for race bling!
It's safe to say, I run for it.
Each race, I get so excited to have a new blingy medal.
Saturday was no different!

Most of the time, I let the medal be a surprise.
I don't try to see it ahead of time because I like having my first look at the finish line.

Well Saturday, I got the best medal ever.
And it was NOT from the Provo City Half.
Sure, that medal was nice.
But it doesn't compare to the one I'm referring to.

In fact, no medal I have received compares to it.
I've had a few come close.

For instance, this one is my first race ever and the marathon of my life!

I went physically and mentally where I never thought it was possible.  I turned a leaf in my life that day, I chose to live again.
I will always treasure that medal!

Then there is this medal.

It is from the Hibiscus Half in Hawaii.
You know, the race I was SO EXCITED to run during our family trip in May 2013.
Only, then I had a surprise pregnancy with Madison.
And I couldn't risk running a half so far away from my doctor at that point in my pregnancy.
So this medal came from my amazing Mom!
She continued training for the race, even knowing I couldn't do it with her.
Then at the finish line...after a GRUELING race, she told me she ran the race for me.

Seriously!  That is my mom, folks!  She trained and trained, dealt with yucky humidity that she wasn't used to running in, and never quit just so she could give me the medal I so badly wanted.

I will treasure that medal forever, knowing the sacrifice she made for me!

While these 2 medals are some of my most prized possessions, the medal I received Saturday trumps them.

I came home from my half to be given this.

There are many days I have terrible self talk.
There are many days I think I'm not enough.
There are many days I wish I was stronger, faster, thinner, happier, craftier, a better mom, a better wife, a better friend.

But what this showed me was that in my daughters eyes, I am enough.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be 

In my daughter's eyes

"In My Daughter's Eyes"

Sung by Martina McBride

Day of Gratitude

Sometimes the hard things in life can get you down.  At least, they can get me down!  Because most of you know my full story, I won't get into the hard things I've faced.  But I will say that as much as I've moved forward from everything that happened to me, each year as March 3rd comes around I feel anxiety.  Each year on this day, I hope to sleep past it...or that it would magically fall off the calendar.  Some years I've cried and cried through the day.  Others, I've been strong.  Throughout the year I don't really allow myself to go back to what happened to me all those years ago, however March 3rd is the one day I have allowed it.  

Each year it is different.  But most years it's been a hard day.

I've decided this year it was time to make a change.  This year I needed to do better.  So today, March 3rd is considered my own personal Gratitude Day!  And rather than feeling sorry for what happened to me, I'm going to be grateful that I am alive.

You see there was a time, all those years ago, that I didn't want to be alive anymore.  I didn't think I deserved to be happy, or to live.  Thankfully, I've worked through a lot of that.  Because now I look at my life and I tear up.

I am so blessed.

My house might be a mess, and there might not be food in my cupboards or fridge, and laundry might be stacked higher than high.

But I am blessed!

I have 4 beautiful children who love me.  I have an incredibly supportive husband who has stood by me through all the ugly times.  I have an incredible extended family who I love dearly.  And I have been blessed with the most incredible friends in this life!

13 years ago, I never thought I would be this blessed.

So today, I am focusing on how much this life has given me!  I am focusing on how strong my body is, both physically and mentally.  I am focusing on being a fighter.

I am grateful for today.  Yes, today....March the 3rd!

Easy

Losing weight is easy, right?
(Yeah, right!)

So I have a confession.  I thought after I delivered that the weight would just fall off me.  You're probably laughing, and shaking your head at my wishful thinking.  But you see, with my other babies the weight literally fell off.

Like, 4 weeks I'd be down 30 lbs.  With no effort.  And I could eat whatever I wanted.

Yesterday was 4 weeks.

I am no where near 30 lbs lost.

I cried.

Then I had to stop.  Step back.  And realize that with my other pregnancies, I had a LOT of extra weight.  This time, not as much.  (I had to tell myself that was part of the reason to make myself feel better.)

Also, I think I've been a tad bit stressed out trying to figure out a routine with all the kids...and the bigger house...and everything else that needs to get done.  (Still working on the routine...)

But I seriously thought this time around, the weight would just fall off like in past.  I even counted on it.  (Hence my post about not tracking my weight until week 6 postpartum.)  So I have been discouraged.  And down.  And frustrated.

I look at how far I have to go and it makes me want to crawl under my covers with a box of ding dongs (and I don't even like ding dongs!)

So I got to thinking....why can't this be easier!?  I mean really, why doesn't it have to take so much effort to shed weight and get fit?

That was when I had my "ah-ha" moment.

It has to be hard so that you will never, EVER want to go back!

And with that thought, I sucked it up and faced the difficult.  I laced up my running shoes, put together my new double jogger, and hit the road running.

The run/walk wasn't easy, but it wasn't as hard as I had worked it up to be in my head.  Sure, I may have had to wear 3 sports bras for support.  And sure, I was slow.  And yes, my incision had that burning sensation.  But, as usual, when I was done...I felt amazing!

If I can get out there and run/walk...why can't you?  Seriously.  Throw your excuses out the window like I did mine.  Get out there, and you will feel so much better when you're done!  How much better?  Well, if you're like me...you'll feel so great that you'll take the time to get dressed, hair done, AND make-up done all in the same day!  (A task that hasn't happened since I delivered Madison 4 weeks ago!)

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how fast you go.  Or how far you go.  It just matters that you go!  Now close your internet browser and go do something RIGHT NOW that puts you on the path to a better, healthier you!

Lets be honest.

It is always easier to blog when things are going great.  You know, when I'm losing!  When I'm eating great!  When I'm doing what I know I need to do.

It is not always easy to blog when I'm not.

I've been struggling a bit.

Okay.  That's a lie.  I've been struggling a lot.

I haven't been able to quiet the negative self talk.  Which then causes me to enter "the cycle."  Let me describe it...maybe you can relate?

Negative self talk....negative self talk makes me feel like crap....I feel like crap so I reach out to food....I reach out to food and I feel like crap....I feel like crap so I don't exercise as much....the scale goes up....negative self talk happens.....rinse and repeat.

I've done a lot of thinking since my last post.  And I decided more than anything, I want people to know I'm normal.  I have bad weeks (or bad months!).  This journey has not been a straight loss for me.  I've hit major bumps, and I still continue to hit them from time to time.

I have hit a bump now.

And the last thing I wanted to do was blog about it because honestly, I felt dumb.

I mean really.  Who gets into the 140's and then gains all the way back up?  Me.  I do.  I did.  And I have been VERY hard on myself for it.

Sure, I could make you a million excuses:  school is hard, my life is full of stress, etc, etc, etc.

Ultimately, it hurts to know that I was so close YET AGAIN and then I fell into the self sabotage mode.  I've been down on myself for not finishing what I was SO CLOSE to finishing.  Really down.  But I've had a few ahh-ha moments I want to share.

1.  I may be frustrated with where I'm at in the moment, but that doesn't take away what I've done up until this point.  I have lost a lot of weight.  And I've managed to keep most of it off.

2.  I need to find joy in this journey.  My focus this next week is to find the moments when I can appreciate exactly where I'm at TODAY.  Sure, I may not be where I hoped to be.  But I'm a crap load ahead of where I used to be!

So while I intended to stop blogging for a while, I realize I actually need it.  I need to stay focused.  I need to STOP GAINING!  I need to be grateful for how far I've come.  And although I have to re-lose weight AGAIN, this is what the journey is about.  There isn't a finish line.  Rather, there is a lifetime of work ahead to maintain my health.

So no matter where you are in YOUR journey, take a fresh look at yourself TODAY.  Be proud of who you are!  And no matter what, DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!  I realize it's easy to do (stupid negative self talk!).  But really YOU deserve the best!  You DESERVE to hit your goals!  Maybe life has gotten hard for you too, that doesn't mean we give up on our goals.  Maybe we have to adjust the "finish date" but that doesn't take anything away from the end goal!

Continue working toward being the you you want to be and before you know it, you'll be there!

Eyes wide opened.

My eyes have been opened.  Wide opened.

As time passes and I continue to work on losing weight, sometimes I forget how far I've come.  Sometimes I get used to my body and forget how big I used to be.

While out hiking with the family, I was carrying Bubba on my back.  I was calculating how much the carrier weighed, how much he weighed.  Then I realized that if I carried him, the carrier, AND my 5 year old daughter I would weight just about what I was at my highest (230+ pounds!)

I even walked down the path for a bit carrying them both just to really feel what it was like.  

It was heavy.  

And honestly, I can't believe I was carrying around that amount of weight on a daily basis.

So while my journey may be slower than I hoped for, I can sit here and realize that I have made significant progress.  I have worked hard to shed the weight of 2 children (and a carrier).  I have worked hard to become healthier, and I haven't stopped.  

Sure, there have been times I've been sidetracked.  There have even been times that I gained some of it back, only to have to lose it again.  But I think if we are all being honest, that is the typical path of life.  Losing weight is not a destination.  There is no finish line for this accomplishment.  

Instead, it will be a life long change of lifestyle habits.  It will be a life long focus on continuing to stay healthy.

I get asked a lot, "how did you do it?"

THERE IS NO MAGIC RED BUTTON TO PUSH!  I did it by walking.  A LOT!  And eating foods that are good for my body.  And walking a lot more.  And now I've added in running.  The big secret is the one we all already know.....healthy eating; eating fewer calories than you burn.  

So while sometimes I might get discouraged at what I don't yet look like.........today I was amazed at just how far I've come!

Learning the difference in fueling and filling...

Remember yesterday?  Remember how I wanted to break the 3 pound weight loss for the week?

Great news...

I'm down 3.7 POUNDS from last Tuesday!

I worked hard to shed that 3.7 pounds...ALL 3.7 pounds of it!

What did I do?  I got back to the routine that works for me.

I counted my steps, I did my 10K app workout 3 times, I was careful what I put in my mouth, I drank insane amounts of water!  I asked myself a lot of questions.....self, are you really hungry?  self, why are you obsessing over food?  self, have you drank enough water?  self, does the food taste better than a size 8 would feel?  (because I haven't been an 8 since I was in high school...)

or self, why are you sabotaging yourself?

Really, I have had a lot of self talks.  (And quite possibly out-loud!)  But if I'm not being frank with myself...if I'm not being honest to me, who will be?  It's my responsibility to keep me in check.  After all, I'm doing this for me you know!

If you read back to when I started this blog, and to my thoughts and feelings behind it...it all comes down to the fact that I have to stop the cycle.  And sadly, I have realized I will always be prone to fall back into old habits.  I have to focus EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. or I will fall back into my fat girl habits.  If I am not careful, my new healthy habits are forgotten and I slip back to my many, many years of fat girl habits.  I'm tired of the fat girl habits.  I hate how easy they are for me to become again!  I hope there is a day that my healthy girl habits replace my fat girl ones....but right now, I'm not at that point!  Right now, I don't trust myself.  Right now, I have to focus every single day so I keep myself from slipping!

Honestly, it's an addiction.  And a horrible one!  There are a lot of bad addictions out there...drugs, drinking, smoking, pornography...and terrible, over-eating, junk food eating is mine!  Here's the bad thing:  With some addictions, you go to rehab and get clean in so many days.  You completely avoid your addiction.  My problem is that ALL FOOD is my addiction!  And I've learned I have to eat.  Therefore, I can't just simply rehab my way out of this.  I have to be even more careful than a drug addict because I have to still take in my addiction, but I need to make sure it's in a healthy way.  I have to continue to teach myself everyday that eating just because something tastes good usually isn't a good thing!  I am trying to learn how to fuel my body with food, rather than fill my body with food.  There is a difference, and I hope eventually it becomes easier to master!

Ultimately, as I battle with this addiction, I hope I master it and teach my children how to avoid it!  I hope that I can fight the battle for them, I hope they can learn the art of fueling their body with food.  Healthy habits are what I'm focusing on EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  Even on the hard days.  And as much as I hope this road gets easier, more mindless for me, in creating healthy habits....there's a part of me that knows I will always struggle with this.  Ultimately, I've tasted the drug.  Ultimately, deep down there is a fat girl inside of me.  And if I don't keep her in check, she will gladly rear her face again and come out to ruin all the work I've done.  I've seen it in the last 6 months!  I've seen how easily the fat girl resurfaces even after I thought I "got it."

So my guard is up, and that is where it will stay.  Indefinitely for now....