Look who's back...

That's right folks, I'm back.  (At least, I hope I am!)  It's been a long few months.  I bet some of you thought that my pregnancy swallowed me up and kidnapped me, right?

Well, I guess that is sort of true.

I had yucky bouts of pregnancy sickness.  And even worse, I have had zero energy.  Zero!

Mix all that together with the added, enormous stress of 4th semester nursing school....that gives you the answer of where I've been!

But I'm alive.  And the baby is kicking.  (Yep, totally feeling the baby kicks now.)  And what's even better is it seems I've found my 2nd trimester energy.

I kid you not when I say I haven't ran since my half in January.  That's almost 2 months ago people!  I've been feeling down.  I called it the winter blues, but really...I think it was the non-exercising blues.  I've missed the endorphins.  My body has punished me because it's been craving them.

I've told myself for the last 3ish weeks that today, TODAY was going to be the day I started moving again.  And each day passed, and no movement happened.

Finally, enough is enough.  I needed some good stress relief.  So I downloaded a new app.  It was one I've heard incredible things about from my dear friends Marcee and Denise.  I knew a lot of people used it.  I just never could swallow the steep price of it.  ($15 is a lot for an app to me.)

But I swallowed the cost and downloaded it anyway.  Today I broke it out and gave it a try.  Honestly, I realize it's only day 1, but I loved it!  And even more, I love Jeff Galloway's thoughts behind a run/walk race to avoid energy and finish strong.  I had done a lot of reading about the concept and knew it was something I wanted to try.

I thought today was going to suck.  Like suck bad.  (Remember, it's been 2 freaking months since I laced up my shoes!)  But I was surprised.  Don't get me wrong, I dreaded it.  Like full on tried to talk myself out of it.  But I turned on my treadmill and did it anyway.

You see, I have been putting this off for weeks (maybe longer).  I knew I could continue down that road and it would take me somewhere I don't want to be.  I don't want to gain a million and a half pounds in this pregnancy.  Pregnancy is NOT a reason to get fat.  So I knew I had a choice.  We all have this choice!

You can choose to give in to those excuses you make for yourself, or you can choose to push them aside.  Let me tell you, I've done both at times.  And after today, I remember just how damn good it feels to finish a work out!  How accomplishing a measly 1.82 miles can be.

So for you, yes YOU!  The one who is thinking of your own list of reasons to put off working out for today.  The one who keeps saying you are too busy.  Or that you'll start tomorrow.....tomorrow is not a day of the week!

Start today!  I swear to you, as much as it will suck when you begin...you won't regret it!

13.1

The day came.  And it was full of excitement.  My stomach was in knots.  Seriously, I was in the bathroom all morning...nervous.

Why would I be nervous?  Oh.  I don't know.  Maybe because I was running 13.1 miles and had ran only ONCE since Christmas.  (Smart, right?)  But I knew I had to try.  I had a lot of people asking me what I hoped to finish in, what my goal was.  Honestly, my goal was to start.  To keep my heart rate within a safe range, and to hopefully finish.  I knew I'd be lucky to finish under 3hrs with the lack of training this last month.  (You lose endurance and speed so quickly when you stop running....)

Saturday morning there was a nervous buzz around the house.  My mom and I got up and dressed, got a bite to eat.  Before we knew it, it was time to head over to the starting line.  It was a little chilly outside (frost on the windows) but I could tell it was going to be an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day!  I was not disappointed...

As we arrived at the starting line, we met up with my sister-in-law and her twin sister.  I believe it was both of their first half marathon's too.  We stayed inside the convention center until right before race time to stay warm.  It was fun counting down the time with them!

(Emilea, Felice (my sis-in-law), my mom, me)

As we went outside, it was time to line up.  I clearly made my way to the back of the pack.  I was not expecting any sort of crazy pace.  It seems like by the time we got in line, the gun went off.  It was SO FAST.  And just like that....we were running!

I began the race with my mom.  I was planning to stay with her as long as possible.  (But in my head, I knew I would have to drop behind eventually to not over exert myself.)

We ran the first 3 miles together.  It was fun!  So fun!  I was feeling great, but I noticed on my Garmin watch that my heart rate was jumping up into the 170's and I had vowed to myself to stay under that to make sure I wasn't putting this pregnancy at risk.  I slowed, and told my mom to keep going...knowing she would do awesome.  (And she did!)

After my mom pulled a head, I teared up for a moment.  Knowing this run was different than I had originally planned.  But also at the fact that I was still able to use my body in ways I never could with a previous pregnancy.  I felt strong, and yet vulnerable at the same time.

I quickly got lost in my surroundings.  I love people watching!  So watching all the runners and the spectators, it's a magical thing during a race!

At this point in the race, I was very familiar with the route.  I had ran it many times before.  I knew just what to expect.  It was probably the most challenging part of the route (in regards to elevation) but I felt great.  I would run and run and run until my heart rate reached the maximum I was okay with.  Then I'd walk and let it drop back down.  This was the only way I knew I could run the race without pushing myself and risking anything.

Each of the aid stations were no more than 3 miles apart.  I stopped each time and guzzled lots of water, and some gatorade, hoping to prevent dehydration.

As I ran up one particular hill, I was feeling kind of blah.  I was again wishing to have been able to keep up with my mom, I was thinking about where she was on the course.  I ended up pulling out my phone during one of my walking periods.  I sent Jason a text.  Told him I had dropped behind.  He was very sweet and told me I was doing great!  To just worry about my pace, and to run at a pace that I was comfortable with.  I felt reassured.

I was 1/2 done.

As I turned onto a main road, it was a lot of fun.  (And a lot of work!)  It was the yuckiest hill of the route.  I'm not going to lie.  I walked a lot of that hill.  But during that stretch I was greeted by my cute neighbor honking and waving.  Then Jason passed by with the kids in our car, honking and waving.  It was the burst of energy I needed!

As I ran down that hill, it was mile 8 and I was running strong.  I looked at my Garmin after the race and besides those first 3 miles, mile 8 was my best.  A high 10:00 min/mile split.  It was at that point that I saw my cute kids and husband along the course.  He had pulled off and the girls had their homemade signs, cheering me on!  I ate it up!  Jason told me I was only about a minute behind my mom and sister-in-law at this point.  I felt good about that!  I said quick goodbyes and knew I'd see them next at the finish line.

The last 5 miles are done on the trail.  I had never run the trail before.  I wasn't prepared for how boring it was.  womp, womp, womp.  I tried to get lost in my music.  I tried to focus on other things.  I tried to let my mind wander.  Mostly, I just kept moving forward.  Knowing the faster I went, the faster I'd be done.

As I rounded the corner to 11 miles, I saw my dear neighbor and her family!  I teared up.  I had no idea they planned to be at that rest stop.  She gave me a hug, told me how amazing I was.  (I felt far from it at that point!)  I guzzled a bunch of water and gatorade.  I was tired.  I wanted to be done.  Seeing her gave me a push though.  It gave me the motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I remember looking at my clock at that moment and seeing 2:09 and thinking I could really finish this thing in the high 2:30's possibly!  I was excited and ready to push!

Then, the last 2.1 miles happened.  Those last 2.1 miles were hard.  Like really hard!  I'd take a step and my calves would buckle with charlie horse type cramps.  I'd have to stop and stretch them out, then start jogging again.  Rinse, and repeat!  I kept praying that they would just go away so I could finish this thing strong!  Or at least for a banana...  But each step I'd take, they'd cramp up.  Then as I'd stretch the calves, my shins would get a terrible cramp.  I'm not exaggerating when I say I was less than hopeful about finishing the race.  I could barely take a step without needing to stretch it out...

I was about 1.5 miles out and stretching against a wall when I saw someone walking back toward me.  It was my sweet neighbor.  He asked if I was ready to finish this thing....  I wanted to tell him no.  Just go tell Jason to get the car and come pick me up.  But my pride was too much to admit that I wanted to quit.  (Although, I'm sure he could probably tell...)

We started jogging slowly, I started talking to him.  Asking him how he'd done.  (You know, the guy who decided to run this race just a week prior...he, who is such a stellar runner that he only needed to run like 6 training runs before the half to finish sub-2hour...)  (Yeah, I wanted to slap him too...)  :)

I honestly don't remember much else we talked about, just that he was taking my mind off the hellish last mile!  I could see where the finish line was.  I knew it was just ahead, but my calves were doing anything they could to keep me from that finish line.  We had to stop a few times so I could stretch them out.  But as I neared the last bend I knew I wanted to finish strong.  I knew there would be no walking across the finish line.  So one last stop to stretch and I was off...as we hit mile 13, the course turns and the last 0.1 miles is a straight shot to the finish line.  Curtis told me I'd done great, and that the last tenth was mine....he then stepped off with his family who were there cheering me on.

Running through the finish line chute is exhilarating.  I was trying to focus on running...and not letting my calves give out on me...but yet trying to look through the crowd to find faces I recognized.  I heard the cheering long before I saw the faces.  As I crossed the finish line, I felt amazing.  I forgot for a moment about all the bad and hard, and just lived in the moment!

Then, I almost fell because of the spasms.  As I bent down, I saw my mom...cheering me on.  I saw the smile on her own face...and for one more second, I wished I could have seen her as she crossed her finish line.

As they gave me my medal, I felt amazing.  I had so much support from friends, family, neighbors!  My kids were thrilled.  Well.  2 of my kids were thrilled.  The other was TICKED!  Like seriously M.A.D. She was mad because I didn't register HER for the race!  She wanted to cross the finish line and receive a medal and she made sure we heard about it all afternoon!

After receiving my medal, it was kind of a blur.  I turned in my chip, realizing I had no idea what my time even was.  But it didn't matter.  I finished the whole 13.1 fricking miles while carrying another human in my belly.  I was able to cross this half marathon off my bucket list, even if my plans along the way had changed.  I finished.

But I couldn't have finished without you.  Each of you!  From your emails, comments, FB messages, texts, phone calls, letters.  I have been overwhelmed at the amount of support I've received!  I feel blessed to have such amazing people in my life...those who were cheering for me at the finish line, and those who were there in thought!

It's now been a couple days and the excitement and exhilaration is still there.  There is something addicting about a finish line.  There's something about putting in all the time and effort in training, and then crossing that line and feeling the accomplishment!  I crave it.

And that is why I know this will not be my last race!  In fact, I have lots of races I hope to run in the future....

So you might be wondering what my official time was.  I wondered to after I got home Saturday afternoon.  Finally, I looked it up.  I came in at 2:50:03.  While I surely wasn't the fastest (by a long shot), I also wasn't the slowest.  But even if I had been...I'd still have been faster than if I'd been sitting on my couch all morning!  After all, unless you are a massively professional runner, isn't it all about putting forth your best effort?  And that's what I did.  I put forth the best I had for this moment.  And I finished.

And guess what, you can too!  Maybe you've never run a day in your life.  Or maybe you run every day!  Where ever you are in your journey, you too can accomplish greatness!  You too, can cross finish lines along the way!  You too, have a cheering section, rooting you along!  You too, have the strength to become your best self!  So maybe it's a literal race you want to run...or maybe your finish line is referring to something else.  Either way, step out and let yourself be strong!

Constantly Amazed

Today I am at a loss for words.  The overwhelming amount of emails and support I've received in response to my last post was amazing.  Thank you.  Really, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!

Last week, I was contacted by one of our local news outlets.  They explained their desire to run a story on m.  Seriously?  Me?

I was honored.  And surprised.  And excited.  And touched.

And today, I logged on and saw it in print.  There, in black and white.  The beautifully written article about me, about my story.  (Thank you Alexa Morgan!)

I cried.

I never expected this.  I never could have imagined the support and love.  I never could have expected the interest into what I share.  I truly feel so blessed.

Each time I log into my email today, I have new messages of love from readers.  You have no idea how much that means to me!  Thank you for sharing your stories with me.  Thank you for caring about mine.

My hope for this blog is still the same as it was the day I started it.  My hope is to help others (maybe YOU) realize the full potential they have!  My hope is that you will realize that change starts small, but can turn into amazing things.  I didn't get my health back overnight.  I didn't find happiness again overnight.  It took me many, many years.

But it happened!

And it can happen for you too!  I know it can!  So where ever you are at today, find something you can do that will take you in the direction of the person you want to be.  Just one simple thing.  Then repeat that simple thing tomorrow, and we can build from there! 

Feeling great!

My plan for today's run was to go 5 miles...but I hoped for more like 7.  I took it easy.  I started slow.  I listened to what my body was saying.  I walked when I needed to walk.  I ran when I was feeling good.

The first 5 miles flew by and I was feeling great.  Cold, but great.  Once I hit between mile 7 and 8 the wind was blowing so hard.  I was freezing.  I thought about giving up.  I mean, after all...I had hit my 7.  But I knew my body felt good, so I pushed on through the weather.

I took water with me this time.  I didn't want to get dehydrated.  It helped.  I ate my sports beans again.  That also helped.

By the time I hit mile 9 I was feeling great.  It had even warmed up (now that the wind was on my back, rather than blowing into my face).

I ended up going 10 miles in 2:02.  (average pace 12:13 min/mile)  Not too shabby considering my last long run (9 miles) was on November 30th.  3 weeks ago!  Between then and now, I've tried to get out on a few runs but have felt so lousy that most times it didn't happen.  So to be able to go 10 miles AND feel great doing it....HUGE BLESSING!  (Did I mention that today I feel better than I have in weeks?!?)

A while back I talked about pushing for a sub-2 hour half marathon.  Just for your information....THAT IS NOT HAPPENING!  I'll be happy to finish in 2:45, and I mean it when I say I'll be happy!  You see, I have re-evaluated my priorities.  And right now my priority is to take it easy, don't get injured....but most importantly:  LISTEN TO MY BODY!

I want to complete this half marathon and feel great crossing the finish line.  I want to finish it and not strain my body in any way.  And as long as I'm on track to do that, I'll feel successful no matter what my time ends up being.

One day, when I'm able, I'll focus more on the time.  But this time, I'm all about focusing on how I feel...

Eighty.

Side note...I have updated "My Story" above.  I thought it would be a good way to give new readers an idea of who I was/am/and am still becoming along this journey.  Feel free to read it, it puts the main parts of my story all in one place.

I have officially hit the 80 pounds lost mark!

To celebrate,

let's talk a little bit about how heavy 80 pounds really is...

I lost 267 iPhones

I lost the equivalent of 10.5 average newborn babies.

(The average newborn weighs in at 7.5 pounds)

I lost 53 loaves of bread.

I lost 160 pairs of my running shoes (or 320 individual shoes).

I lost a total of 540 DVDs and their cases.

Eighty pounds is 80 pounds!

And I tried really hard to pick up the large sacks of flour equivalent to 80 pounds to get a picture representation.

I couldn't do it.

I got to 40 pounds and almost dropped the sacks in Costco.

I am amazed that I used to walk around EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. with all that added extra weight!

It is absolutely powerful to look back and FEEL how heavy that number really is!

Because I can

Today was my big, scary long run.

Actually.  I wasn't that scared.  I knew I could go 7, so if I could go 7....8 can't be that much different, right?

Today I decided to eat something before I began my run.  Usually, I just go out and eat later.  But when I ran 7 miles I realized I was lagging for energy a little bit.  So today I started with a piece of toast covered in PB and honey.  (Great for carb, protein, and a little sugar.)

As I ran, I was really enjoying myself.  I paced myself (as I always do on my long runs) and kept my heart rate under the 170 mark.

Mile 1:  a little chilly.  It took about this whole first mile to get my legs warmed up.

Mile 2:  went by in a breeze.  I felt like I was running so slow, but I knew I had to pace myself.

Mile 3:  a lot of this mile was down hill (hence my 10:03 pace for this mile).  I cracked open the sports beans at this point.  (Today was also the first time I've supplemented with something along the run to eat.)

Mile 4:  I was feeling great at mile 4....probably because I knew I was 1/2 done!  :)

Mile 5:  More beans were popped.  This mile was tough for me.  It was a steady incline and my hips were sore.  I wanted to walk.  SO BAD!  Luckily, the song playing in my ear kept me going "some times you just feel tired....  feel weak...when you feel weak and you feel like you just wanna give up...  you gotta find that inner strength....you do not give up....till I collapse....."

Mile 6:  I popped 2 more beans.  I kept telling myself 2 more miles....2 more miles, it's like nothing.  This is when my Gym Class Heroes came on.... "until the referee rings the bell, until both your eyes start to swell.....give 'em hell.  Turn your head.  Gonna live life till your dead!.....then you say to me THERE GOES A FIGHTER!"  I may or may not have been singing OUT LOUD as I ran this mile.....

Mile 7:  This mile was mostly downhill.  It wasn't too bad.  I was on a busy road, enjoying the cars as they passed.  I'm a people watcher.  And I pretend that others are too.  So running on a public road makes me run better and faster (and not stop) because I always say to myself...'what if your neighbor is the next car that passes....you don't wanna be walking!'  :)

Mile 8:  This mile was TRICKY!  I had told myself that after the last climb, it was all downhill.  Only.  I forgot the rather lengthy stretch of uphill that I had to do one more time.  I was tired.  And I was sore. And I REALLY wanted to walk!  So my music yet again got me through it.....thank you Kelly!  "think you got the best of me...think you had the last laugh...think you left me broken down....baby you don't know me cuz you're dead wrong!  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....what doesn't kill you make a fighter....stand a little taller....just me, myself, and I...."

And there you have it.  8 miles, done!

And the best part:  I don't even feel dead.  I feel I can still function the rest of the day.  Yes, I ended up taking an ice bath to help my sore hip.  But other than that, I feel pretty dang great!

Don't get me wrong.  There are days I don't want to run!  In fact, there are many days I have to just suck it up buttercup.  But today was not one of those days.  Today I ran because I can!  Today I marveled at the progress my body has made....I remember back just in July I couldn't even run a minute straight.  Yes.  You read that right.....I couldn't run ONE MINUTE STRAIGHT.  I wanted to collapse and die right then and there on my treadmill!

So no matter where you are on this journey of life....you too can make a difference for yourself!  Maybe you are at the starting line.  Maybe you feel you are re-starting at the starting line AGAIN.  Maybe you are part of the way through but thinking of turning around.  Maybe you feel you are making great progress.  Maybe you have been making great progress and now you've plateaued.  Maybe you are discouraged.  Maybe you are excited.  Maybe you are overwhelmed or scared......

Here's the thing.  I've been all those things!  And truthfully, I still am.  This process of getting healthy is one that takes an EVERY DAY COMMITMENT.  But slowly, as you recommit everyday you realize how much stronger you have become!  You realize you are doing this for yourself!  You realize that YOU ARE WORTH IT!

So get up, RIGHT NOW, and go make today a success!  (Then, come back and tell me about it!  Shoot me off an email, leave me a comment...I want to hear about how you celebrated being you today!)

Eyes wide opened.

My eyes have been opened.  Wide opened.

As time passes and I continue to work on losing weight, sometimes I forget how far I've come.  Sometimes I get used to my body and forget how big I used to be.

While out hiking with the family, I was carrying Bubba on my back.  I was calculating how much the carrier weighed, how much he weighed.  Then I realized that if I carried him, the carrier, AND my 5 year old daughter I would weight just about what I was at my highest (230+ pounds!)

I even walked down the path for a bit carrying them both just to really feel what it was like.  

It was heavy.  

And honestly, I can't believe I was carrying around that amount of weight on a daily basis.

So while my journey may be slower than I hoped for, I can sit here and realize that I have made significant progress.  I have worked hard to shed the weight of 2 children (and a carrier).  I have worked hard to become healthier, and I haven't stopped.  

Sure, there have been times I've been sidetracked.  There have even been times that I gained some of it back, only to have to lose it again.  But I think if we are all being honest, that is the typical path of life.  Losing weight is not a destination.  There is no finish line for this accomplishment.  

Instead, it will be a life long change of lifestyle habits.  It will be a life long focus on continuing to stay healthy.

I get asked a lot, "how did you do it?"

THERE IS NO MAGIC RED BUTTON TO PUSH!  I did it by walking.  A LOT!  And eating foods that are good for my body.  And walking a lot more.  And now I've added in running.  The big secret is the one we all already know.....healthy eating; eating fewer calories than you burn.  

So while sometimes I might get discouraged at what I don't yet look like.........today I was amazed at just how far I've come!

High FIVE

Today was my long run.  And I'm not going to lie and pretend I wasn't nervous.  I realized the last time I ran 5 miles straight was when I ran the marathon.....5 years ago.  And before training for that....NEVER!

So today I was a nervous nelly.  I didn't know if I could trust my body to do all 5 miles.

My sweet husband kept telling me to trust myself.  He told me I'm too hard on myself, and that I needed to stop doubting and start believing.  (He's so right!)  (Don't tell him I said that.....)

I also received some awesome advice from my professional runner friend Brandi who told me to watch my heart rate!  It was something I'd never done before.  I'd always paid attention to my pace rather than my HR.  So today, my goal was to keep my heart rate within the aerobic range for my body (140-160).

At first, I felt like I was going at a SNAILS PACE!  But I felt strong.  1/2 through my run I wasn't labored at all.  In fact, I didn't even realize I was already 1/2 done!

By the time I finished, I felt strong.  Seriously, I probably could have continued!  I was SHOCKED that I ran the entire 5 miles without feeling labored at all!  My legs were strong!  My lungs were strong! My body was strong!

I FELT AMAZING!

Pace: 11:33 min/mile (Splits: 10:49, 11:47, 11:22, 11:40, 12:08)

Thank you to all the loving encouragement and belief sent my way.  I'm truly starting to see that I sometimes don't give myself enough credit.....

What's in a number?

I have said many times that I will not let the scale dictate who I am as a person!
We are certainly more than any number given...

However, there are moments in my journey when that number means a lot!  There are moments when that number defines, in some way, who we have become.

When I started this journey, that number defined me at 233 pounds.  (I'm 5'7)  This put me at severely obese, I even read on one chart that I was morbidly obese.

I was fat.  I liked food a lot.  Like, a lot, a lot!  I didn't exercise.  Like ever.

I would be out of breath climbing one flight of stairs!  I would never get down on the floor to play with my kids because I couldn't sit comfortably with all my fat bulging (not to mention I was too tired!).  My wardrobe consisted of sweatshirt hoodies and stretchy exercise pants most of the time.  (That I wore because they had an elastic waist, NOT to exercise in...)  I did have 2 pairs of pant that "fit"...and by "fit" I mean I could button up if I sucked in really hard and held my breath while the waist band pinched off all feeling creating a rather large muffin top.

I remember how awful I felt.  I remember hating mirrors.  I would NEVER look in them!  I was miserable.  I felt stuck.

One might question how a person gets that way.  I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you that for me food was my comfort.  I hated myself.  HATED MYSELF!  I had repressed a lot of emotional garbage.

For years (10 years to be exact) I allowed the self-hate and the self-blame from being raped affect me.  You see, I decided all those 10 years ago (11 now...) that I didn't deserve anything out of life.  I decided I was damaged goods after everything that happened to me.  Over the years I ignored my feelings, I ignored myself.  I ate to numb the hurt and pain that was too difficult to face.  Eventually, it began affecting every aspect of my life!  I would even try to self-sabotage relationships when I felt I didn't deserve to be in them...luckily I have an amazing husband that never left my side through it all!

I had let myself become the girl that ate upwards of 3,000-4,000 calories a day at times (maybe more...I stopped counting).  I had let myself become the girl that would go through 3 different fast food drive-thrus for 3 different dinners...then be so ashamed and embarrassed that I would stop at a dumpster before heading home to get rid of the "evidence."  Because if my husband never knew, it must have never happened....right?

I was the girl that could eat a whole carton of ice cream without thinking about it!  I was the girl that would eat a 4th and 5th meal every night!

I was the girl that was so sad at who I had become that I just kept spiraling downward.

Then.  It hit me.  Like a million bricks!  I took my daughter into the doctor for a well-child check up where he told me that if I wasn't careful, her growth pattern would continue down a very bleak road.  He showed me the graph.  We followed the pattern, and by age 18 she was set to be at a 36 BMI.

(Before I go on, let me add in a side note:  My children have an EXCELLENT pediatrician who was very careful to talk just to me about this as to not birth any self-esteem issues in my daughter who to the average joe looked relatively healthy....not fat, maybe a little thick, but by no means fat!  And I'm so grateful to him for his caution in approaching the subject!)

I left the office that day and sat in my car and took a good look at myself.  For one of the first times, I realized I needed to make a choice.  I could choose to continue down the path I was leading my children, OR I could choose better for them.

Up until this point, 9 times out of 10 I would let my past win.  I would let the hurt and the anger and raw emotions of all that happened to me get the best of me!  I was allowing those pathetic jerks, who forever changed my life, to continue dictating the path I was on because I didn't think I deserved any better for myself.  I was being a victim in my own life.

And had it only been affecting me, there is a chance this story would have been totally different.  However, that day I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that the obesity was going to stop with me!  I realized I put my family (and myself) through enough already, now....a decade later I needed to finish fixing what I started when I ran that marathon to heal.  You see, I had released the hurt and the pain and the anger when I trained for that marathon.  But I never had been able to fix my "deserve level."

I can honestly say, thanks to my children and husband I realized I did deserve more!  They also deserved more!  They deserved a mom and wife who looked forward to living.  They deserved a mom and wife who was teaching them healthy coping mechanisms, rather than the garbage I'd been showing them for far too long!

And that's where the journey began...slowly.

And while the journey is still in progress, yesterday became a milestone that for YEARS felt so out of reach!  Sure, it might just be a number on the scale to some...but to me, I can look in the mirror today and FINALLY say I am healthy again after a decade of suffering guilt, anger, remorse, frustration, loneliness, embarrassment, shame, and so much more!

 I finally hit 159.5 which puts me at a healthy weight again for the first time in my life since I was raped!

The emotions I felt (and am still feeling) as I saw that number on the scale were so overwhelming!  (The tears still stream down my face now!)

Everyone has different reasons for why they do what they do.  And no matter what the reason was that you gained weight, you have the power to stand up and change!  It may feel hard.  It may seem unrealistic.  But I promise, I PROMISE!  Each of you has the power to determine your own success story!

Don't let things from your past determine who you are today, and who you will be tomorrow!  I allowed my past to dictate my life for far too many years!  Years that I will never get back!  And now today, seeing where I've pushed myself to physically...I know I am strong.  I know I can can accomplish hard things!

(just for side by side comparison)

While I couldn't say this 10 years ago, I can today:  Life is good today!  And I am in love with the life I have.  Sure, it is still hard...LOTS!  But it is good, and I feel so blessed to be living the life I have!  Crappy things happen to all of us!  ALL OF US!  But the true determination of character is who we become from our past, how we let it shape our lives!

It is never to late to take back control in your life....NEVER!

It's all about the shoes...

Today I stepped on the scale and then instinctively began jumping up and down!

Then.  The tears welled up in my eyes!

Today, I earned these...

My heart is so full.

Tomorrow, I'll post the raw emotions involved!

But for today, I'm proudly wearing these:

One month

What have you been doing in the last month? Me? Here, I'll show you:

The far left was taken Aug 15th then the far right taken today...Sept 11th.

If pictures don't tell a story, what does?

These pictures (and my upcoming trip to Hawaii) have really motivated me to lose these last 20 pounds!

I'm calling it #20bythanksgiving!

That's 2 pounds per week people! Who's with me!?

Wouldn't you be excited to see a number 20 less on the scale before the holiday season is in full force? I know I would!

So join me! Commit to consistency a week at a time and you can be in the "I'm so glad I did" club rather than the "I wish I would have" club!!

Seriously, what's stopping you??

#20byThanksgiving!!

Sure you might have to push yourself, sure it might be hard.  But I promise, you won't regret doing it.

Countdown

The countdown has begun.

I've posted before about my crazy home-life schedule.

You know the one:  hubby who works out of town Mon-Thur night most weeks, I have nursing school (and all day weekend clinicals).  (In case you didn't realize, that leaves me with Sunday's to spend with my guy...)  Add to that 3 kids who need a chauffeur to/from school, piano, who need help with homework nightly, who need to be fed EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Plus 2 dogs.  You can imagine the housework that gets piled up, the laundry that overflows, and the hair on the floor that I pull out myself!

Yes, the countdown to May is on.

I graduate May 2013!!!

That alone is worth a countdown because FINALLY at that point our family can return to "normal."  We will begin to remember what it's like to see each other every single day.  Weird.

But alas.  That is not the countdown I am referring to.  (Despite how incredibly delicious it sounds!)

I'm referring to the Hawaiian countdown!

Our room has been reserved HERE for quite some time!

And just yesterday we sealed the deal even more!  Airfare = purchased!

May 25, 2013 we will be flying to Hawaii as a family without a care in the world!  We will be celebrating 2 years of pure hell living apart for 70% of that time.  We will also be celebrating my graduating nursing school.  AND, if that wasn't enough to celebrate...my 10th wedding anniversary ALSO falls at that time!  (Can you sense the party we will be having!!?!)

I know, some of you are saying 'why, oh why would you take your kids?'  I contemplated making this a couple thing...a reconnect with my husband after 2 years thing.  But I couldn't do it.  The kids have endured just as much as Jason and I!  So we are all going to celebrate together!

Now, you may be thinking.  Cool beans.  Brag away Alisha.  Why would you post that crap here...to make me jealous?

Yes.  I strive to make everyone jealous.  (insert sarcasm.)

Seriously, the reason I post it here is because on top of all the other celebrating happening on that trip, I also want to celebrate my health!  It is a major push for me to finish losing these last 20 lbs to get myself ready for Hawaii.

No.  I don't know what my body will look like when this journey is complete.  But yes, I will be damn proud of it.  In 20 pounds I will be at the 90 pounds lost mark.  And I'm not stupid.  I know my body won't look like it did in high school.  I know that my stretch tiger marks will always be there.  But I will be proud of the progress I made.  Because it's taken a lot to get me here.  And I still have to bust my butt to get those last 20 off!  In the past I've been embarrassed to go swimming with my kids.  In fact, I've pretty much avoided it at all costs usually.  That is the old me!  I am vowing to be proud of the work I've put in.  I am vowing to PROUDLY wear my swimming suit with no embarrassment, no fear, and no shame!  Sure there will be others who look a lot better than me, but WHO CARES!  I'm gonna celebrate in May some MAJOR milestones in my life and I'm not gonna let anyone take it away from me!

The scale.

Seems like people are always focused on the scale, right?

I know I tend to be!

But believe it or not, there are other ways to track success....

On July 25th, I took body measurements.
(Oh.  The fun!)

I tucked my sheet away for the last month until last night.

I decided it was time to pull out the measuring tape and see if things changed.

WOW.

If you haven't measured your body for comparison, I HIGHLY recommend you do it!  It's quick and simple, and great to see the difference!

So in the last month...

My mama pooch (by far the part of my body I am most self conscious about!) lost 1.5 inches
My belly button circumference lost 2.5 inches 
My waist (where I'd put my hands on my hips) lost 4.5 inches
My hips (the widest part) lost 2.5 inches
My right upper thigh lost 2 inches
My left upper thigh lost 1.5 inches
My breasts lost 1.5 inches (not sure I am happy about this one...)
My right bicep (smack dab in the middle) lost 1 inch
My left bicep (smack dab in the middle) lost 1 inch

And in case you weren't doing the math....that makes for a total of 18.5 inches lost in the month!!

Also.  I stepped on the scale again this morning.  I HAD to.  I knew I was so stinking close to the SIXTIES!  And guess what I finally saw...

Weight lost from the 24th of July until today:  13.7 lbs
Inches lost from the 25th of July until yesterday:  18.5 inches

If that doesn't motivate you to take monthly measurements...what will?

The day I cried.

Have you ever cried when you put clothes on?  I have.  Remember THIS post?  Sure, the picture was taken in 2009 but I remember that day in my closet like it was yesterday.  I remember those feelings.  I remember how embarrassed I was!  I remember asking myself how I ever let it get THIS bad!  At that moment all the pants I had were 18's and none of them fit.  I was easily a 20...maybe even a 22.  I was just in denial.  So, like that post said, instead of facing the truth...I grabbed maternity pants.  I can still feel the shame from that day!  I still get the same anxiety and sadness when I see that picture.  You see, although I may have a smile on my face...the pain cut deep.

At that point in my life I thought it was too late.  I thought I would NEVER be able to get back into what I wore in high school.  I thought those dreams were too big.  I packed them away, deep inside where it hurt the most!  I pretended I was okay.  I pretended it didn't matter.  I pretended because I didn't think I was strong enough to do anything about it.

Fast forward.

I cried again today.  Only not out of shame or embarrassment.  Not because I was sick of what I'd let myself become.  The tears I cried today were real, and they were victorious.

I did not cry them in my closet.  Instead, I cried them in a dressing room at American Eagle.

I was at the mall today, and on a whim I decided to stop in and try on jeans.

Trying on jeans is a big ordeal for me.  I get anxiety about it because of where my weight USED to be.  I still remember taking in jeans and trying on the biggest size a store had and they not fit.  I remember the feeling of being defeated by jeans.  I have always hated trying on jeans for this reason.  (Even after I have lost 60 plus pounds, the feeling are not forgotten!)

Today I was feeling particularly brave.

And I'm so glad I was!

Today was the day I fit into 8's.  EIGHTS!

(of course I bought them!!!)

Some might not think that is a very big accomplishment.  Let me be frank.  I have not worn a size eight since I was in high school (FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!)

Fourteen years people.  Fourteen years...that's almost 1/2 my life ago!

(I may, or may not, be tearing up even now thinking about where I have worked to be...)

I want to scream it from the roof tops...I WEAR A SIZE EIGHT!  Not because I want the attention or the recognition.  (Although, blog comments are always accepted.)  :)  I want to scream it from the roof tops because if there is even one person that can relate to those feelings I had in the closet, if there is even one person that can relate to what it feels like to be ashamed of letting yourself go....I want YOU to know it IS possible to change!

I doubted myself for a long time, don't waste time doubting yourself.  It is possible.  Is it easy?  No.  (I'll be honest!)  But it is so damn worth it!

EIGHTS PEOPLE!!!  EIGHTS!

So if you are starting back in your own closet in tears...my best advice:  take it one day at a time!  Know that it's not going to be easy, but tell yourself you are worth the hard work!  Only you can do it, only you can realize you are important enough.  Then, take it one day (or one hour) at a time.  CONSISTENCY!  That's the magic pill people.  Be consistent and do NOT let yourself make excuses!  I promise, you want to feel this amazing rush of your own "size eight."

Feeling GREAT!

Just got my run in for the morning and I am EXCITED!  Today was my first no walking run.  (Of course I still had my 5 minute warm up and cool down)

So I decided to mark when I began running after my warm up and mark where I was once the cool down started so I could get an accurate pace.

Dun dun dun....

10:48 min/mile on my treadmill (remember, I run faster outside...)

10:48

TEN FORTY-EIGHT!

Yeah.  I'm pumped!

Oh.  And in other news...

Yesterday a friend of mine that reads this blog mentioned a 5K that was happening on the 25th.  (You know, the date I was going to calculate my own path...)  THANK YOU LISA!!!!

So, on the 25th I will be Running for Reggie.  I am SOOOO excited!  :) :) :)

Confidence

(Rather than boring you with a soapbox post with no pictures, I decided to randomly scatter pics of me and my family throughout the post.  Some who know me already will think it's boring, but with all the new readers, this will give you a chance to get to know my little family...)

Somewhere along this journey of life there comes a point where things change a little.  (At least it did for me.)

I've watched my girls as they grow.  I've watched them exhibit confidence (sometimes even cockiness).  You know how some parents teach their kids to be modest in their self confidence?  I have taken a different route.  Instead, I let them portray their extra confidence now...while they have lots to spare!  You see, growing up is hard.  Add to that, being a girl!

(My oldest...who happened to fracture her arm this week.)

I have watched my oldest as she has grown.  As a child, she had no shame.  She wasn't shy of herself around us.  She was sure of who she was.  As her parent, I would constantly build her self-esteem.  You see, I knew not too far into the future she would need all the built up confidence she could get.

I thought of it like a bank.  No, she didn't necessarily need me telling her how beautiful she was, how smart she was, how kind she was....she was already pretty sure of herself.  However, I knew there would be a day when the tide switched.  I knew there would be a time when she would need to start withdrawing those compliments, those self-esteem boosts, because the world would start wearing on her.  I just prayed I was giving her enough of a "savings account" to stay ahead of what was to come.

Slowly, I've watched my almost 8 year old become more aware of her appearance.  I've watched her be more hesitant in what she wears, I've heard her make comments about herself that break my heart.  With each moment that happens, I try to cushion her with 100 others where she can feel good about herself.

Because really, isn't that what we all are after?  Confidence in ourselves!

(My youngest, finding the confidence to FINALLY stand on his own.)

I know there was a point where I was very self-confident.  However, over the years the confidence has not always been where I want it for my children when they are my age.  Sure, some say having extra weight weighs down a persons confidence.  Some say by losing weight, you can gain confidence again.  But shouldn't confidence be about more than weight....more than what we look like?

What I'm trying to get at is I'm still Alisha.  I was Alisha when I weighed 233 pounds.  I am Alisha now at 175 pounds.  Why is it I sold myself short at 233 pounds?  Why is it that I told myself I wasn't "enough" when in fact, I'm still me?

I found myself doing it again this last week....'oh, when I lose 30 more pounds...then, THEN I will be confident and be who I want to be.'

WHAT A CROCK!

Seriously.  Confidence and self-assurance is something you can develop whether you weigh 50 pounds or 350 pounds or 1050 pounds.  Weight does not define us.  It is not who we are.  I am me.  You are you.  What surrounds us physically does not define us.  The great news is YOU can define yourself.

 (My middle child, who is definitely not afraid to be who she knows she is...)

Sure, some might look for excuses as to why they aren't happy.  Some might blame their unhappiness on weight, others might use an excuse of a bad relationship or a failed marriage.  Maybe you are saying you aren't happy because you don't have a good job, or you don't have many friends.  Maybe you are like me...maybe you had a traumatic experience happen that made you shut down for many years.  Maybe you have let something like being sexually assaulted affect you.  What those are, are excuses.  Ultimately, happiness lies within each of us.

Our happiness is OUR OWN PERSONAL decision!

Now that's not to say that I don't feel better about myself now that I'm over 50 pounds lighter.  Sure, that's true.  I feel better when I move.  I feel better when I exercise.  PHYSICALLY I feel better.

Emotionally, I'm still working it all out.  Because like I said before...I'm still me.  I still see myself as the 233 pound girl who struggles with reaching out to friend people.  I still see myself as the 233 pound girl who is self-conscious.  No amount of weight can change what is happening emotionally....that's a whole other journey that I'm trying to take.  And no matter where you are on your own journey in this life...the emotional journey is one I strongly recommend.  Only you can help yourself.  Only you can find happiness for yourself.  Only you can hold yourself to a higher way of living.  Only you can decide it's time to start respecting YOU for who you are TODAY!

So today, that is what I'm focusing on.  Respecting myself for who I am.  I am happy, and it is not because I'm 50+ pounds lighter...it's because I have a deep love for myself.  I respect myself and the trials I have been through.  I have worked hard to move past many emotional issues that could have been enough to stop anyone.  You are only as strong as what you choose to overcome.  I choose to be stronger than my past!  Everyone has a past.  Everyone has a reason to quit.  Everyone has a reason to be down, or sad.  Trust me, I've spent too many years focusing on what happened to me when I was raped.  I spent so much time focusing on my hatred for the men that caused me so much hurt and anger.  I spent so much time hating and so much time in anger that it was only natural to hate myself.

Here's the good news...you can move past whatever is holding you back.  It's not easy.  Oh, it's so not easy!  Especially if the wounds are deep, and unhealed.  But it can be done.  I know this because I've worked so hard to overcome my own past.  I realized something very important....it wasn't the men who raped me that were causing me pain.  Sure, in the moment...it was all them!  In the moment, I had no control.  I am by NO MEANS taking any responsibility for the act.  What I am taking responsibility for is how I reacted after.  I spent far too many years of my life miserable because of what happened to me.  I was allowing myself to be in a negative place because of what was done to me.

I was allowing it.

So I chose to change.  I chose to decide I was more important that my past.  It doesn't matter what your past is, it doesn't matter what baggage you are holding on to....what matters is that you are holding on to it.  And, by holding on to negative baggage it holds you back from your great potential.

(Yes, I think my family is pretty darn amazing.  Copyright Studio C Photography)

Each day is a blessing.  There truly is good in each and every day.  That's not to say that I still don't have moments of sadness.  (Everybody does, right?)  But the strides I've taken to focus on the great things in my life...rather than focusing on the negative aspects is what I've worked hard at.  I'm sure there will still be days I struggle.  I'm sure there will still be moments ahead that will affect me.  But what I know is that I have the power.  I am in control of how I let different events affect my life.  I can let them drag me down, or I can let them propel me forward into something more.

I'll chose to be propelled forward...the thought of drowning in negativity scares me.

What are you going to choose?  (Can I give you a suggestion....choose YOU, stop choosing your past.)

And, if you've made it all the way to the end of my long soap box...I will reward you a pat on the back.  :)

(Copyright, Studio C Photography)

Now excuse me while I go love on my guy....the one who has been by my side through the good and the bad!

NSV

I had a pretty great NSV today (non-scale-victory)!. I was getting dressed, trying to find something to wear.  The day was a bit hazy and had lots of cloud coverage.  I decided to opt for jeans.  Then, I hesitated.

You see, I remembered that just a week ago I went through my closet and got rid of all my larger jeans...all of them.  I kept only my 10's.  (I have none smaller than 10 at this point.)

I was bummed.  Jeans sounded comfy, but I knew my 10's had gotten to be to little...I couldn't even button them up the last time I tried.

I hesitated.  I didn't know if I could take the disappointment of not fitting into clothes...after all, you read my last post, I'm on a freaking roller coaster!  And, it's not like I've dropped a ton of weight so far...

But, I decided to throw caution into the wind.  I tried them on.  (And I even took a picture...I need to take more pictures along this journey to remember where I have been each step of the way!)

They are definitely snug, but they are also buttoned!  And I'm wearing them!  Sure, I might have a muffin top...but I don't care today.  I earned that muffin top.  Sure, people won't realize that the jeans that are a bit too tight are too tight because I've been working my ass off to fit in them again.  Some might even think... 'oh, she's had a bit too much to eat' or 'doesn't she know she should be wearing a size bigger?'

FORGET THEM!

You see, I know they are tight.  But that propels me forward.  Right now, I'm celebrating that I'm a 10 again!  Next step...to say goodbye to the double digits.  Whoa.  Haven't seen an 8 since high school!

W.I.D.T.H.

Are you familiar with Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit?  He does a great weekly post about W.I.D.T.H.  (I was featured on it this morning.)  :)  You should check out his blog, it's quite entertaining!

Also, remember how I've been anxiously waiting to see the 60's?  This morning my scale showed 169.5!  It won't be my official weigh in until Thursday, but I can tell it's going to be a good week!

Also, remember how my husband has been M.I.A. all summer?  Well he's back, for 12 whole days!  (That's more than he's been home in 3 months!)  So you might wonder how I'm going to reward myself (because let's face it, I deserve a reward!).

SPIN CLASS!!!!

(and it was fantastic!)

Still plugging along.

I'm still plugging along.  I feel like I've been dreaming about the 60's for far too long!  And each post I keep saying I'm closer and closer!  This morning I was within a pound...ONE POUND AWAY!  (unofficially, of course.)

Tomorrow is weigh-in, we'll see what that brings.

As for today, I'm going to keep focused!  Remember how I said I might be going boating over Labor Day?  It's official, I am!  And I really want to feel confident!  And I REALLY want to be able to ski!  I LOVE skiing, but have had a hard time in years past.  I've got issues with my hands (carpal tunnel) but I also was packing an extra ton of weight!  I'm hoping with the loss of all this weight it will take the pressure off my hands so I can have some good runs!

Oh, one more thing...I made cookies yesterday!  And I only had 1!  (Okay, maybe technically a little more because I did eat some cookie dough!)  But I had to taste the actual cookies because I was giving them to a neighbor.  I was quite impressed with my self restraint!  It's getting easier and easier each day.....

50 is nifty!

This morning, my scale showed me at 172ish.  (can't remember the ounces)

That means I am now 50 pounds lighter than I was in April!

50!  That's more than my little Monkey weighs!!!!

Now I just gotta keep on movin, maybe by Thursday I'll see that number in the 60's I'm dreaming about!