Strength

I read a beautiful blog post late last night by one of my all-time favorite bloggers, Kelle Hampton.  If you haven't read Kelle's story, it's one that is emotional and raw.  Her story has always hit close to home for me in a lot of different ways.  But that is for a different post...

Over the last week, I've struggled a bit.  To be completely honest, I've wondered if I did the right thing in sharing my story.  You see, I shared one of the most vulnerable parts of myself with you.  (And a bunch of other strangers.)  And up until this point, it hadn't been a huge deal.  In fact, up until this point I know I only had a few dozen people coming here regularly.

Now, that's changed.  A lot.

Kelle was speaking directly to me when she said:

If you share, if you publish, if you write, if you speak, if you are brave and decide to put yourself out there, I promise you, someone won't like it.  Someone won't agree with you.  Someone will misinterpret.  Someone will think that you are silly, unqualified and that your work is crap.  That you are crap.  They might not just think it but they might tell you.  And that won't feel good, especially not the first time you hear it.

Over the past couple weeks, I've received some negative feedback about my story.  Some of it from strangers, some not.  Some of them were sent directly to me, some I stumbled upon myself, and some others told me about.  But in all cases, it hurt.

It made me question if I was brave enough to continue on.  It made me question if I was doing the right thing in sharing such a personal, still heart-wrenching-to-me story.

I had been thinking long and hard about it.  Last night, after reading her post, I realized I already knew the answer.

Yes.  I have done the right thing in sharing.  It isn't easy to get negative feedback.  And hopefully my skin will get thicker.  I do value all opinions, and welcome them.  I only ask that you use tact and grace when vocalizing them.

I could have taken the easy way out.  I could have decided to let these several instances affect me.  I could have opted to stop opening myself up, I could opt to stop letting myself be vulnerable by choosing not to share my story and my words.  I could.

But it's moments like yesterday, when I open my email and am moved to tears because of the multiple beautiful emails I receive telling me how much I have touched them and changed their lives.  It's moments when I log on and read the comments left for me that give me chills, thinking of how many others might still need to find hope again.

That is what this blog is about.  Sure, the premise is a weight loss blog.  But it's about so much more!  It's about finding hope again.  It's about finding strength when you feel it is gone.  It's about learning to love yourself, especially when you feel most unlovable.

Why I do this...

I thought it might be fitting to put together a post of explanation.  You see, there is a contest going on and there are some questions arising about who I am, and what am I about.  I'd like to take a moment to explain.

Basically, I want YOU to know why THIS CONTEST means so much to me.....

As you might have noticed, I started my journey well in to the 200's....233.9 to be exact.

But my journey started way before I ever hit that number.  Many of my readers already know the big events (believe me, there are some doozies!) that have happened in my life leading up to my significant weight loss.  I detailed them in the MY STORY section.
(go catch up, I'll wait.....)

Here is what I really want you to know about me....

I am a girl who fought with the inner fat girl for years.  I wanted to be thin.  I wanted to lose weight.  I wanted to look great in that bikini.  I wanted to feel attractive both in clothes, and out of them!  Yet the want was never enough to propel me forward.  Instead, I would try all the quick fixes...I would tell myself I'd start tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  That day never came.  I'd eat fast food like it was going out of business!  (Some days I'd even stop at multiple food joints and then discard the "evidence" before I ever got home.)  The scale went higher, my clothes got tighter.  I was ashamed.

I couldn't stand to look in the mirror, let alone take a picture!  (Hence the reason I have so few "before" pictures to choose from...)

I even was at the point that I thought I was destined to be "big" forever.  I tried to hide in the back of rooms, I dreaded the thought of actually being noticed!

And then something clicked inside my head.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I figured out that I actually had control of my life.  I actually had control of what I did, what I ate, of everything!  I realized that for too long I had been hiding my emotions in the food I was eating.  I realized I needed to take back control of my own life...a control that I thought was taken from me all those years ago when I was raped.

I realized that I had learned to use food to cope.  To cope when I was sad, when I was happy, when I was depressed, when I was angry, when I was PMS-ing.  I was addicted to food, and lots of food!  And as I took a step back, I realized this food addiction was being taught to those I loved most in this world.....my children!

So what I wouldn't do for myself, I began doing for them.  Slowly, I started making changes.  Mostly with my food in the beginning.  I was careful to track what I ate.  I am completely convinced that losing weight is 80% what you put in your mouth and 20% what activity you do.  I began eating more vegetables than I've ever eaten in my entire life!  (I'm not kidding!)  Then, I added in walking (NOT running).  (Running was too painful at the size I was at!)  Slowly the scale started moving.  The more the scale moved, the more focused I became.

And you're waiting for a wahlah, everything was perfect ever since..........right?

Well, you have the wrong blog.  You see, this blog is all about life being in progress for good....and that applies to my journey (as well as yours!).  I have fallen down so many times I have lost count.  My knees are bloody.  I have wanted to quit over and over again.  But here I am, because I decided to stand up one more time than I have fallen (and I will continue to do that WHEN I fall again!).

 (Me, this past week wearing a YOUTH large)

You see, we all are going to fall.  We all are going to have slip-ups.  It's life.  It happens.  The key is how you decide to react to those set-backs.  For too long, I'd use the set-backs as an excuse to "quit."  Not realizing that each set-back we have in life makes us stronger!

So why is this contest so important to me?  Probably the same reason this blog is so important to me!  Because I have the FIRM BELIEF that YOU have the ability to become your best self too.  And if reading my story, and the hell I've had to overcome, helps motivate even just ONE PERSON I feel it's worth it.  I want YOU to know that it IS possible.  I don't care if you've tried 2039482304820439820 times in the past to lose weight, YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR FUTURE!

Did you hear me?  Because I'm speaking from my heart here...your past, no matter what it is, does not determine who you are to become!

What does determine your future is what you do TODAY!  Are you going to take steps forward today to paint the future you want for yourself?  Or are you going to just "wish" that "one day" you "might" get there.

You can do this, just as I have, and just as so many others have!  You are powerful, and have the strength to do hard things!  So please, put your head down....your blinders on....and start moving in the direction you want to be!