Days

Do you ever have those days when you just don't feel good about yourself?  You know, the days when you feel so ugly, fat, etc?

Am I the only one??

Well, I've been having those days lately.  And when I have those days, I tend to rely on others to give me the boost I need to get past the feelings.  Only, the person I rely on most is way to busy to notice.

I know I don't look good in my clothes right now.  I know I don't even have nice clothes.  I wish I did!  I wanted just one outfit that I felt amazing in...that I felt I looked like a million bucks.  You know, with the jewelry to accent how amazing I look!  The type of outfit that actually turns peoples heads and gets them to notice me again.  But I don't!  I can't even remember what it feels like to turn my husbands head, let alone someone else's!

I have pants that are too big and fall off my body with every step I take.  I have other pants that are too small still and create a big old muffin top.  I only have the shirts that I wore when I was at my biggest.  I have a few ratty t-shirts that are super dressy, you know for those nights you go out on the town and want to make a great impression!  Or my maternity shirts, I have those too and still wear some of them.

You can imagine how attractive I feel right now.

And it really doesn't help that I still look in the mirror and think "ickkk" when I see my body, especially my naked body.  I don't know that I'll ever look how I dream of looking.  I know if I can't find myself attractive, neither will anyone else.  I just don't know what to do about it!  It scares me to death that after all the hard work I'm putting in that I will still be repulsed by myself in the mirror.  It scares me even more that my husband might not ever find me actually, truthfully attractive again.  Truthfully, it makes me want to give up and quit.

I hurts so bad to be so needy.  To beg others for approval.  But it also hurts like crazy to need that and not ever receive it.  If I do get a compliment, it's usually because I hinted that I needed one...or I asked how I look.  And even at that, the response is usually, "You look fine."

I don't want to look fine.  "Fine" makes me want to tear up and cry.  (In fact, I am doing that right now!) I don't want to have the one person I care most about in life to think I look "fine."  I realize I am being kind of a baby right now.  But is it too much to ask that I look better than "fine?"  I know I probably don't to him yet, but would a white lie really kill a person?  Even if you don't believe it yet, I need to hear encouraging things and I'm just not getting them.

So I'm off for another day in South Carolina...looking "fine" (you might as well tell me I'd look better in my PJ's because that's how it makes me feel!).  I'm off in clothes that don't fit, that aren't fancy.

I guess I'm just the frumpy, homely, insecure, unfashionable housewife....