It wasn't a moment. It was more like an event. And not a good event, either!
You see, I have this business conference I have to be at on Saturday. The dress code: business casual. Sadly, that means no scrubs. Or jeans. Or sweats and hoodie sweatshirts.
I was actually excited (at first) at the idea of going shopping and finding something nice to wear. I set out yesterday to search. I asked the hubby to tag along since my style sense is pretty poor. Sadly, I ended up going on my own.
I wandered through the store, finding what I thought were cute things. I pick up pants, blouses, etc. I head to the dressing room....
NOTHING FIT RIGHT.
Every time I'd try something on I felt it hugged my body in all the wrong places.
And can I just say that dressing room mirrors are HORRIBLE!!!
Eventually I bought what I thought were the "best" options. Apparently I was mistaken and they will all be going back today...
To say the whole event put me in tears would be an understatement! I was full out, sobbing...you know, ugly crying! I felt awful about myself.
Now I know what some of you might be thinking....'why is SHE feeling sorry for herself when she can fit in a size 8...I'd KILL for a size 8!'
Trust me people! I've said things like that in my head before about others. So I'm going to do the best I can to explain where all these tears came from.
Not so very long ago I was the very fat girl. I was the girl who hid from everything (people, events, pictures, etc.) I would struggle to find clothes that fit me right. I always told myself that I would NEVER have this problem if I could just lose all the weight.
Now, the weight is gone. But my emotions are not fixed. I see all my trouble areas anytime I am looking in the mirror. I don't even see myself...it's almost like I see the girl I was before. It's really strange. But if I'm being perfectly honest, there are few things that I wear that I actually feel attractive in. (Hence the reason I mostly wear big t-shirts and sweatshirts STILL!)
Just once I'd love to go into a dressing room with clothes in hand and have something I picked out actually work for my body! Just once I'd like to not feel embarrassed about my lack of style. Just once I'd like to feel like a million bucks in an outfit.
Yesterday was not that day. Yesterday, I left feeling deflated. Yesterday I left feeling vulnerable.
Yesterday I came home and threw my ugly cry and sadness into left over chocolate cake.......
A few posts ago, you put a picture of yourself in a grey sweater/skirt combo. YOU LOOKED HOT! You have come so far. Dressing rooms suck. Buying new clothes can suck. Seeing yourself as the fat girl you used to be sucks. I love reading your blog. It's very inspirational to me to know that I can overcome my obsticales too and lose this extra, unhealthy weight. Thank you for being so open with your feelings. A lot of times they seem to mimick my own. Today is a new day!
ReplyDeleteI thought i would be ecstatic and satisfied with the number looking back at me on the scale and the size jeans i can wear now. And I am most of the time.And I am still shocked that i can buy and wear that size But i am not ecstatic about the shape it is in or the extras left behind!
ReplyDeletethe number on my scale today looks and feels a lot different than how that same number looked and felt in its original pre baby, pre fatty form.
I hate that! You look GREAT!! Eventually you will get there. Maybe one day just go with a friend and yall go to lots of stores and try everything on. There are so many styles and fits out there but you will find one that make you feel great! I love to shop and I still have days when Im afraid the sales associate will think shes too fat for these clothes. Keep your head up and Im sure you will find something great!!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain sweets! I hav so been there. I think your brain just needs to catch up with all of the shrinking that you have been doing. You are getting so fit and small and you really do look great! I hope that you are able to see all that hard work in the mirror as well soon!
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