Reflection

I have been deep in reflection for a lot of the month.

Sometimes, I struggle finding the words to express what I feel.

This is certainly one of those times.

Moab.

As you might be aware, Jason and I snuck off to Moab on the 3rd to celebrate life.  15 years have now passed since my life was turned upside down when I was raped.  15 years has held a lot of heartache and tears, but I've also found a lot of strength and happiness.

I've been asked how I did it.  How I moved on from something as life shattering as rape.

Truth is, I haven't 'moved on.'

I've moved through it.  I've waded through every emotion and been strengthened when I felt I had no strength left.

I've been buoyed up friends and family, even when they've had no clue they were buoying me up.

But as I've said before, each year the end of February the anxiety sets in.  Each year, the beginning of March I begin to panic.  How will it effect me this year?  Will I become angry?  Will I become emotional?  Will I want to check out and sleep through the next few days?

This year, I made a conscious effort to determine my coping.  This year, I decided to go somewhere I've never been.

Moab.

It was beautiful.  It has been on my bucket list for quite some time, and for good reason!  Delicate Arch, Dead Horse Point!

I wish I could sit here and write that it was perfect, and I felt no anxiety. I can't. That's the tricky thing, sometimes as hard as you try, you can't control every emotion you feel. So instead, I faced the emotion. I acknowledged it, and every other emotion I was feeling.

As I stood at the look out, looking over Dead Horse Point I had plenty of time to reflect!  We were the only ones there.  It was quiet.  And beautiful.  For a moment I got to just breathe in the beauty.  I had enormous gratitude in my heart.  I remembered being at my lowest point (many times) and thinking that life would be better without me.  I remember wanting to numb, to not feel the extreme pain.  I remember, so clearly, thinking of a time in my life that I thought life could NEVER be good again.  I didn't deserve happiness.  I thought didn't deserve to smile or to laugh again.  I remembered as I stood there, the tears shed, and the prayers uttered to just let me be done with this life.

As I stood there, quietly, over looking this point I realized how beautiful life is BECAUSE I fought so hard to continue.  I realized that because of the hard, I've become stronger.  The girl 15 years ago had no idea how strong she really was.  The girl 15 years ago didn't realize all that life had in store for her.  The girl 15 years ago didn't realize how finding courage to stand back up and face life could fulfill her in ways she never imagined.

Depression is real.  Suicide is real.  Wanting to die is real.  And I've fought through those thoughts many times.  And who knows, maybe those ugly thoughts will rear their head again in my life.  (I hope not, but I'm wise enough to never say never!)

So to anyone in a dark spot in life, please hear my words:

Whatever it is you've faced, or whatever it is you are currently facing....the sun will shine again!  It will shine again on your face and heart.  Breathing will get easier.  And you will be surprised to find a day when you actually are grateful for every breath you take. You will be grateful for opportunities to see incredible sites you've never seen, because you've made the choice to continue. 

Is my life perfect and all roses now?  Heavens no!  We face hard in our family quite often.

But, we fight through the hard together.  Because that's just it...you are never alone!  Even when you are at your loneliest moments, and you think you have no one...God is there.  He has your hand.  Never did He leave my side, and never will He leave yours.  His love is there for you whether you want it, whether you are ready for it, or whether you feel you need it. His love is there no matter what skeletons are in your closet, no matter what you've done or what others have done to you.  And that love never changes or dulls.  It's not conditional.

As the sun warmed my face that day at Dead Horse Point, I felt His love.  I felt such gratitude.  I felt such pride. 

It takes courage to stand up when you've fallen, or you've been knocked down.  So when you are down, find the strength to stand.  Maybe even slowly stand.  But stand!  Fight!  Because as I stood at Dead Horse Point reflecting on my life, my children, my job, my friends, my family, etc. I realized that I didn't have a clue 15 years ago how bright the sun could shine in my life again.  I love the sun in my life.  I love feeling the warmth of it surround me.  And I constantly remind myself of that each day.  Because I don't take the sun for granted.  I know darkness can easily creep back in if I let it.  So each day, I try to make a conscious choice to feel the sun.  It doesn't always work, but I keep trying.  After all, I will always be in progress for good.....

Accountability

Jason and I weighed in yesterday.  I'll be honest, I hoped for a bigger loss.
(And I know Jason did too.)

But the reality is, we can't have a month like January every single month.
And the truth is, we will keep plugging along.
Some months will give us a bigger loss than others, but eventually we will get where we want to be.
And it's not like there is a deadline.
These changes are changes we are making in our lives (hopefully forever!).

So....the results:

February STARTING numbers:
Alisha--
Weight: 192.1
Fat Mass: 80.2
Lean Mass: 111.9

Jason--
Weight:  269.8
Fat Mass:  91.2
Lean Mass:  178.6

ENDING numbers for the month:
Alisha--
Weight:  187.2
Fat Mass:  72.8
Lean Mass:  114.4

Jason--
Weight:  264.2
Fat Mass:  82.6
Lean Mass:  181.6

What does this all mean?
Alisha lost 7.4 pounds of fat, and gained 2.5 pounds of muscle.
Alisha's overall weight loss for February:  4.9 pounds

Jason lost 8.6 pounds of fat, and gained 3 pounds of muscle.
Jason's overall weight loss for February:  5.6 pounds

(scale used to track this is a Withings scale, HIGHLY recommend it!!!)

I can tell you that at the end of the month there were points that both Jason and I weighed less than we did March 1st.  But that's how the scale works.  It fluctuates each day.  And I want to give an honest reflection of what this journey is like for us.  I would have loved to use a number from a few days earlier to bump up my results.  But there is power in honesty.  And the numbers will come.  So here's to a Sweet March, full of Madness!

Will you join us?

February

Yesterday, February ended.  I worked extremely hard to earn what some will think is a silly achievement:

With the Apple Watch you can earn different achievements.  This one was for reaching my Move goal every single day of February.  

I haven't weighed in yet to know my final weight.  I know it's not as low as I hoped.  I'll likely weigh in after I go to the gym this morning.  But I wanted to write this post first.  Because more than the weight, I'm just damn proud of the consistency.  

You see, some months the scale will reward me and others it will be stubborn.  This month my eating wasn't perfect.  I lived it up on Jason's birthday weekend (which was also the Super Bowl weekend).  I also lived it up at Valentines day.  But that's just it....this isn't a "diet."  This is our lifestyle now.  And I plan to live my life.  I love food.  And I plan to continue to enjoy food.  I am just trying to make my relationship with food more healthy.  I don't regret the weekends I splurged in February.  I don't regret it, because I lived.  I planned those moments.  I didn't binge.  I didn't eat my feelings away.  I chose.

So what does March look like?  Geez.  I don't know.  I know I said this March was going to be 'different' than other years.  But I'll be honest, it's the first and I can already feel the anxiety creeping in.  I leave for Moab on Thursday so I'll be spending the hardest days of March with Jason, in a place we've never been.  I'm hoping to celebrate the choice I made to live life.  

I've read a lot about the semi-colon project.  I'll be honest, I'm not a tattoo kinda girl.  But this is one I've sincerely debated getting.  If you haven't read up on the semi-colon project, it basically is a visual symbol people get to signify the choice they made.  You see, an author makes a choice to use a semi-colon.  They make a choice to continue rather than using a period.  And that's just it.  I made a choice.  I continued, despite desperately wanting to use the period and be finished with my life.  

So this weekend, I will be celebrating that.  I will be celebrating being a survivor.  I hope you can celebrate with me.  Sometime on the 3rd, I hope you can take a moment to pause and be proud of yourself for fighting through the hard and difficult in your life.  Join me, and take a moment to look around and appreciate what you see.  

Life is worth living; even when it's most difficult. 

Choices

So earlier this year, I did some math.  I realized this March it will be 15 years since my life forever was changed.

That brought a bunch of different emotions.  Shock, anxiety, disbelief, pride.

So here is the thing...each year, the beginning of March has always been the time my past has hit me the hardest.  Call it a morbid anniversary.

As I've progressed in my therapy over the years, I have still always allowed myself tears and anger between March 3rd and 6th.  It's always been my way of being okay every other day of the year because I knew I could allow myself those few days.

Some years have been harder than others.  (A lot harder.)  But there really hasn't been a year that I haven't still had extreme anxiety and tears.  I've worked hard to move past everything that happened to me, but I still have lingering emotions.  Each year, the beginning of March, I've never been able to escape without remembering so vividly lying in my bed down in St. George bawling.  Bawling and praying and pleading to not wake up the next day.  Those are some pretty intense feelings to have come flash back to the surface.

This year, I knew I needed to push myself for better.  8 years ago I started working hard to deal with all that happened to me.  (Yes, you read that right....it took me 7 whole years of stuffing my emotions in the back of my closet before they came raging to the surface and knocked me down.  Hard.)  And I have worked hard.  Shoot, I ran a freaking marathon 8 years ago to help parallel the work I did emotionally.  (Read about that HERE)  I've learned the importance of forgiveness, and that forgiving someone does not excuse their behavior.  I've learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  And...I've learned that there are many that have experienced the same horrible thing that I've opened up about.

Rape is not okay.  Ever.

Rape is not a joke.  It is never, ever funny when I hear people using the term to talk about a team dominating another team, etc.

Rape is real.  And lives are forever changed by this four letter word.

Rape is something a lot of people are afraid to talk about.  I honestly think that is why I had such a hard time dealing with what happened to me.  I thought I was forever ruined.  I figured I had no hope for a happy future.  I questioned if I could have fought harder in the moment  Or maybe not put myself in the situation. I have lived and re-lived the situation over in my head a million times.

There are many things I wish I would have learned before I was raped.  The biggest message that I want to shout from every roof top across the world:

YOUR VALUE IS NOT DETERMINED BY WHAT YOU DO,
OR WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.

The love of God is there for YOU, no matter your past, or your future.  No exceptions.

It took me a long time to realize that I am no less of a person because of what happened to me.  And, I've learned that I'm no less of a person because of choices I've made since.

This is why I share my story.  Over, and over, and over again.  Because if I can help one person out there know that they have value, then it's worth it.  We all face hard things in life.  Ridiculously hard things!  And one of the hardest things in life is to forgive people when they have never apologized, or when they wrong you further than you ever thought possible.  But I promise you, holding on to anger and bitterness only hurts you.

This year, my focus is on spreading love.  Self love.  It's okay to love yourself for who you are today. I don't care what you've done, or who's hurt you.  You get to make a choice today to look in the mirror and love.

Over the next 2 weeks I will probably be sharing a lot about my feelings on this subject.  And I'm proud to say that I've chosen to do differently this year from March 3-6th.  Instead of staying in bed, or crying, or eating my feelings away....I'm choosing to celebrate.  No, I'm not planning to celebrate what happened to me.  Instead, I celebrate that I fought to live.

I'm celebrating life and living and breathing.  I'm celebrating hard work, and self worth.  I'm celebrating choices, and the choice I made over and over (in my darkest moments) to live.  It wasn't easy.  But I look at my life today (which is far from perfect) and I'm grateful.  I'm grateful I chose to live.

Please, if you are in one of your darkest moments....know that the light will come again!  Life is worth living, even through the dark.  Because man, when the sun shines again it is so good!

New Low

Today was an exciting moment with my scale:

Here's to working hard through the weekend so I can see an even more beautiful site (170's) soon! 

Diet Bet

Remember how I said I did some damage last weekend with my eating? Well, I was super careful this week! AND I pounded water all week, and sat in the sauna to try and get out all the retained water. I cut out all things sodium. 

Yesterday I weighed in for my dietbet and squeaked by with a win by 0.7 lbs. I found out I won some pretty good money too...

Not too shabby after betting on myself! 

Today I also saw this on MyFitnessPal and it made me happy...

Each day, I'm inching closer to that 30 lb lost mark! I can't wait to get there!!!

Set back

The super bowl + Jason's birthday weekend provided a set back on the scale. I know a lot of it is water weight. We went with some friends to a Japanese Steakhouse Saturday. Then, turned around Sunday and had a HUGE buffet of all things delicious for the Super Bowl. 

Let's just say the scale did not approve this morning. I wanted to cry. But, I picked myself up and kept going. You see, I'm planning to live life during this process. And that means not every week will be a loss. And some weeks will be a gain. But ultimately, I want to have the will power and strength to get back on track right away, and that's what I did today! Just got back from the gym and, have yet again, hit all my Apple Watch goals for the day. 

Keep pushing through the hard with me, we can do this!

Yesterday

So when I got home after working 15 hours yesterday, I was not thrilled when I looked at my Apple Watch and saw this:

It was 1030pm and the last thing I wanted to do was get on the treadmill. I was tired and grouchy and did I mention tired? 

The 200 pound Alisha would have talked herself out of getting on the treadmill. The 200 pound Alisha would have also probably grabbed her besties (Ben & Jerry) and hung out in bed all night.

But the soon to be in the 180's Alisha quickly changed into her gym clothes and sucked it up. And, she left her friends where they belonged, in the freezer. 

I really feel like the road to success with weight loss is doing something different than what your body has done for so long. Did I want to get on the treadmill? No. NO! But I had a choice: do what I've always done, or choose different. 

So I chose to keep going with my goal, even after a long and tiresome day. 

And waking up, I'm damn proud I did! Sure, it might have only been a 15 min walk, but it was a HUGE step! And it made getting on the treadmill that much easier this morning. 

Take a baby step today toward your goal!! (You'll thank me in the morning!)

 

January Summary

January has now come and gone.  I wanted to do a re-cap of the month yesterday, but got busy.  January was good to me.

Did I work out like I hoped?  No.
Did I follow a great meal plan and stick to it like I hoped?  Yes!!
Did I see results?  You betcha!

I'll paint you a picture:
(Just know I'm a little embarrassed at where my weight was at the beginning of the month.  And by "little" I mean a lot!)
(But accountability has always been a motivating factor to me, so here it is...)

Alisha's January Success
January 2nd weigh in:  207.1
February 1st weigh in:  192.2
Pounds lost in January:  14.9

I feel amazing.  I got in to a size 10 pants (which were tight, but they buttoned up!)

For February I have some lofty goals, one of them being hitting my apple watch "health" goals every single day for the month.  That will be a huge change, considering my activity was sketchy for the month of January.  But you know me, I always shoot for huge goals!  Day 2 and I'm already on track. :)

Want to know the coolest thing about January?

For the first time, in forever, Jason and I have both been on the same page in regards to our health.  That's right.  Not only did I have a great month, but so did he!  He was an animal at the gym, didn't miss a work out all month!  And his eating was great too...he had quite the impressive results.  I asked him if I could share, and he agreed.  Maybe by the February Summary I'll have a cute spreadsheet to track the progress.  Maybe...  :)

Jason's January Success:
January 3rd weigh in:  293.3
February 1st weigh in:  269.8
Pounds lost in January:  23.5

Crazy right?!  I already know what you are thinking....what are you doing?
Jason's month consisted of:
protein shakes in the morning after a treadmill run.  Then a healthy lunch of some sort.  Snacks would usually be string cheese.  Dinner would usually be fish or another lean meat.  Then he was at the gym at night, lifting weights and added a little more cardio to his day.  After the gym, he'd end the night with another protein drink.

Alisha's month consisted of:
Thrive for breakfast most days, protein bar for snacks, and a lean meat of some sort for lunch.  I also would snack on string cheese, and occasionally hard boiled eggs.  Dinner was usually a green smoothie of some sort, with yummy veggies.  And water.  Lots and lots and lots of water!

The biggest secret to our success for January?  CONSISTENCY.  Seriously.  We very rarely strayed from our plan.  And were focused.  Here's hoping February is just as consistent (with maybe a few additions for myself....the working out is what I really want to get back into my life!)

How bad do you want to see changes in yourself?  Are you willing to figure out a plan and then be consistent?  Join us, make February a month to be proud of!  I can promise you come March 1st that you will either be so glad you did, rather than a wish you would have.  You can do this, you are worth dusting yourself off and continuing forward...

Break Through!

I think it's safe to say I have had a breakthrough! 

It's been several years since I weighed what I do today. 193 has never felt so good! But I'm continuing to push hard to see those 180's. 

I was trying so hard to see them before February 1st. But, I promised myself I wouldn't be disappointed if I worked hard and fell a little short. I knew it was a big goal. 

That's always been something that holds me back. The 'what if.' What if I put everything into getting healthy and I still don't like who I see. 

I've learned I need to see myself through the eyes of another, maybe even God. I don't usually get religious on here, but today I'm making an exception. I think about the person he made me to be. I think about how I sell his creation short when I'm overly critical of myself. I think about what he would say to me. I even have been thinking about what I'd say to others...and then I try to treat myself the same way. 

Life is hard. Don't make it harder by being so critical of yourself. Bodies are amazing, and strong. My body has made and carried FOUR beautiful babies. What a miracle! I am learning to love my body for what it is. It's a learning process, but I've come a long way these last few months. 

Do yourself a favor, glance at that person in the mirror and tell them thank you! Because you are strong, and your body is amazing!