Ripples

Let me start by taking you back to where the ripple in the water started....

I was doing so good with my exercising and running.  I was posting here more.  The scale was moving the right direction!  It was 2 weeks full of focus and determination to hit 10k steps, and to lift weights Mon/Wed/Fri.  

Then.  Last Wednesday came.

Nothing significant happened on Wednesday.  I just made one simple decision that has caused a ripple of other effects.

Wednesday I decided I would skip the morning leg lifts in our gym, and do them that evening instead.  Only.  I didn't.  By the time evening came, it sounded a lot better to sit and relax rather than changing into exercise clothes and start doing squats.  

So I gave in.

And from there, I allowed myself to give in to all sorts of terrible food.  I allowed myself to skip runs that I had planned.  I allowed myself to wallow.

See the ripple?

I was feeling all sorry for myself as I knew the scale would be moving in the other direction.  But I sat, wallowing, and shoving anything that was even moderately sweet into my pie hole.

Bad week?  Yes.  And for what reason?  None, other than I allowed it.

Losing weight is hard.  It is so hard to stay focused.  It can be so frustrating.  SO FRUSTRATING!  It's frustrating to have been so close, and now packed the weight back on.  (Granted, it was for a good reason....but it's still hard!)  

So yesterday I was sitting there...in my sweat pants...feeling all sorry for myself.  Then I had a very powerful and eye opening moment happen.  I'd like to open up and share...

As you know, I have 4 great children who mean the world to me.  Right now, one of my children is struggling.  I'd like to say a little bit, but that would be a lie.  She's really struggling, and it breaks my heart.  She is incredibly talented, you should hear the girl sing!!!  She is beautiful, inside and out!  She is hilarious!  She is kind, and helpful.  But she is struggling with her reading.  Over the last year+ as we've worked with her, it's become apparent that reading just doesn't come easily for her.  As I sat there yesterday, watching her S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E through her book I couldn't help but think of how frustrated she becomes.  She wants to be a great reader!  (She certainly puts in the time to become one!)  Some days, she does so great at sounding out words....other days, she struggles to name the letter she is looking at.  It breaks my heart to see her try so hard, and put in all the effort, only to feel like she is not good enough!  Tears have been shed (by both of us) as she tells me she feels dumb.

So you may be wondering why I would share such personal information about my sweet girl....let me explain!

Yesterday, as I sat listening to her, it dawned on me...there are many days when she becomes frustrated!  There have been many, MANY tears shed by her when she feels inadequate.  Yet through it all, she doesn't give up!

She never gives up!

My beautiful daughter dusts herself off, and keeps trying no matter how hard it is.  Why?  Because that is what our family does!  When hard things come our way, we don't stick our head in the sand.  We don't let hard keep us down.  Sure, it may knock us back...but we always, ALWAYS get up.  

So I sat there, realizing what an example she is to me!  She reminded me that the Bowling's never, NEVER give up when things get hard.  And just as she will continue to put in the endless time and effort to learn to do what she feels is impossible, so will I.  Together, we will both keep working on the hard things in life and we will become stronger for it!

(And one day, long down the road, if you ever read this....I hope you will know just know how much I love you Red Kitty!  You are incredible in so many ways...)

Transforming Tuesday

Daily Accountability:  Although I didn't post yesterday, I'll have you know that I did in fact run my run over the weekend...3 miles to be exact.  And I did hit my 10k steps yesterday (Monday).  (Sunday's I've decided to not focus on the NEED to hit 10k.  If I hit it, great.  If I don't, no biggie.)

Today is all about transformation.  Today, I promised I would be accountable...even if that meant I had to swallow some pride in the process.

Before I wrote this post, I knew I needed to get my work out in.  I knew I needed to have a positive to build myself up with.  So I did.  I did my 30 minutes of walk/run intervals (what I've found to be the BEST tool at losing weight...to trick your body with a fluctuating heart rate).

As I finished my workout, I logged on to Instagram (do you follow me?  If not, check the side bar so you can!)  As I was scrolling through the pictures, I came across one my sweet Aunt Tonya posted.  It was a picture she took of a snail.  I borrowed that picture and added the words she used on the picture because I think it is so relevant!

Somedays all I can think about is how fast can I lose all this weight?  How fast, how fast, how fast?

But somedays, we have set backs.  Somedays, we step on the scale and are frustrated with what we see.  Somedays, it takes all we have just to keep inching forward across the road...dodging the traffic coming in our direction.  Somedays it takes every ounce of determination to stay focused and not give up.

Just as this snail made it across the road in one piece, we too can make it.  It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow.  But we will make it, and the most important thing is we will be in one piece!  We will be stronger because of the work we had to put in.  

While the road ahead seems pretty long for my goals, inching forward is the only way I can get there in one piece...

Today's starting weight:  187.4

Do Better

Daily Accountability:  I am still holding strong with my streak!  Hit my 10k steps again yesterday.

The weekend is coming fast.  It just so happens that it is fall break around here for my kids.  I had plans to make it a fun weekend until we got slammed with rain yesterday.  I have hopes that today will be better though, the sun is shining.

The sun is shining in more than one way!

Despite being ridiculously sore, I am seeing the sun shine.  I haven't stepped back on the scale, but plan to on Monday (and I'll report it on here).  I love that after 4 days of exercising again I am feeling good.  The soreness is a good sore.  Because I know my body will start changing.

Do I wish it would happen overnight?  Yeah, who wouldn't.

But I know that it takes time, a lifetime to be exact!  You see, even when I reach my goal things will still be difficult.  I'll still have the same fat-girl inside of me...whispering for me to eat the entire carton of ice cream, followed by 3 cookies.  I will always have that fat-girl tempting me.  And I'm sure some days I'll give in, but the key is to stay strong most days.  Each day is a new day, and no matter what happened yesterday...TODAY we can do better!

So that's your challenge (and mine!).  Do better TODAY.  Find something to work on, just one thing.  And focus on it over the weekend.  We can do better!  Enjoy your weekend!

Difficult

Yesterday it was difficult to get in my steps.
Like really difficult.
I started the morning by working out my legs...I'm talking squats, lunges, leg extensions, and a few others.

My legs were jello.

Not to mention, I had a tired mom day.  So to say I wanted to just sit on the couch and veg out would be an understatement!  (And I don't even like watching TV!)

But I knew I needed to get busy.  I had about 4,000 steps to get in.  So I went back to what worked before...just in a new location.  (And with a little bigger screen.)

That's right, I stepped and stepped for hours.  I was tired.  And took a lot of breaks.  I ended up stepping during the commercials and sitting during X-factor (and one other show I had previously recorded).  Finally, after about 3 hours....and at about 10:30 at night I hit my goal.

Yep.  That is 3 days in a row. 

It may only be 3 days, but it's 3 more days than I would have had if I hadn't started when I did.  See that's the thing....getting started is the HARDEST.  Taking those first steps.  Making it through that first week, difficult.  But it gets easier!  And it feels SO GOOD to consider myself active again.  Whether the scale moves or not, I am proud that I am doing it....not just wishing it.

So what is it that you are going to do, and not just wish??? 

Finally!

I did it!  FINALLY!  I managed to hit 10,000 steps 2 days in a row....I wonder how long I can keep the streak alive?!  Keep watching and we will see.....

As for today, today I was tired...AGAIN.  And the weather is getting chillier so my bed was so snuggly warm this morning.  And I was up a lot last night with little Madison (she had shots yesterday and was very uncomfortable.) 

But as I laid in bed, I had my phone and logged on MFP and saw all you wonderful people out there getting it done.  So, I sent my girls off to school, and laced up my shoes.

I feel very blessed to have the equipment in my home to lift.  Today was leg day, and my legs are now feeling like jello!

But I want to say....you don't NEED exercise equipment to lose weight.  People, I lost all my weight (all 85 pounds of it) without spending a single day in the gym!  I didn't lift a single weight!  

IT CAN BE DONE!

I promise, losing weight is significantly about the foods we eat!  It's a lot less about the exercise than you would think.  Now, I'm not saying you don't need to exercise!  You do!  Even if it's just walking and putting your laundry away one piece at a time.  But focusing on what we shove in our pie holes is where the scale will start to budge!

I'm no expert, and I only say this from my personal experience....but I'm a firm believer in getting in tons and tons of veggies!  I know when I start my days off with my green smoothie (filled with spinach) the scale is a lot more generous to me!  

So get those veggies in!  And share with us any other tips you might have stumbled upon in your own experiences...

Accountability

As promised, here is my accountability for yesterday.  I made it to 10k steps, 10,010 to be exact...but it took some work to get there.  Because I had housework to do yesterday, I used a tip a friend gave me a while back.  I folded my laundry and put it away....one piece at a time!  It helped tremendously.  I still have a ways to go...check out the leader board:

You might be wondering what this program is...I use a FitBit to track my daily steps.  (I have the Zip)  I LOVE my fitbit.  I've used a lot of different trackers over the years.  I've tried the Nike Fuel Band, the BodyBugg, pedometers.

The FitBit is by far my FAVORITE!  

It's small, I wear it on my bra.  It tracks my steps taken, calories burned, and distance traveled for the day.  There is a snazzy app for my iPhone that tracks my daily progress, and also lets me compete against friends for a weekly total.

And what's even better....you can buy the zip at BestBuy for only like $50!  I love mine!  I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone serious about tracking steps and calories burned!  

And if you get one, make sure to add me as your friend!  

My goal for this week is to get that weekly total up in the 70k range...it's going to take some work.  I'm exhausted this morning after lifting yesterday and hitting my steps goal.  But I'm motivated.  It's been months since I hit 10k steps two days in a row.  MONTHS.  (Pathetic, right?)

But that is my goal for today....so check back tomorrow to see if I hit that.  

So what is it that you are working on today, what is it that you are going to be accountable for?  One friend/reader from yesterday, Marissa, stayed accountable and followed through from yesterday.  I made sure of it.  :)  

There is power in being accountable to someone, I promise!  Let's do this together!

Conversations with myself...

Today is Monday.  (Just in case you hadn't checked the calendar.)

I woke up feeling all sorts of BLAH.  I scurried the kids off to school, fed my toddler, fed the baby, sent my husband out the door.  And then I sat.

And I fought with myself.

It went a little something like this:

Me:  You should go downstairs and workout.

Me:  No.  Just go lay back down in bed.

Me:  No really, you want to start fresh this week...

Me:  Eh.  What's another day of waiting.

Me:  You won't get results you want to see if you keep putting off exercise.

Me:  Eh. Eh. Eh.  I'm going to go eat a cookie, or maybe 2.

Me:  Just get up, you will be glad you did when you are done.

Me:  But I don't want to....(in a whine-filled toddler voice)

Me:  GET MOVING, you've been playing the 'I just had a baby' card far too long.

Me:  Grrrrrr.

Do you ever fight with yourself?  Or am I the only crazy one?

I'll have you know, I did lace up my shoes.  I did get my workout on.  I lifted my chest and triceps today, and I won't stop tonight until I make sure I have 10k steps logged....check back tomorrow because I need the accountability.  I need to know that I have to "report" back.

What is it that you need accountability for?  Leave me a comment, or email me...lets do each other a favor and call one another out.  Let's help each other get the results we desire...

Defining Moments

5 years ago TODAY was a very defining moment for me.

5 years ago at THIS MOMENT was a moment I will never, ever forget.

Many of my readers know my story.  Some might not.  Either way, please bare with me today, on this defining day to allow my thoughts to travel back.

5 years ago I was over coming probably the most difficult trial of my life.  5 years ago, I was finally taking control of my life again.  5 years ago, I finally found a way to forgive the men who shattered the person I was.  5 years ago I was crossing the finish line of my past, my marathon.

5 years ago,  I found my desire to breathe again.

And maybe some will think that since then, life has been a breeze?  

Not at all!

But I found the desire to want to live my life again.  I found the sunshine.  I found fresh air.  

And while at one point, I thought I would forever hate St. George, Utah because of what happened to me while attending college there...it turns out, I have a deep love for that city.  Because after I was forced to move there once again for my husbands job, and after I was forced to open my closet and let those skeletons out, then and only then did I find happiness again.

Over this summer I really struggled with having to again move away from St. George.  The last time I packed my bags to leave St. George, Utah I was in a bad place.  Probably the worst place I've ever been in.  I prayed each day that I wouldn't wake up, that I wouldn't have to breathe.  I hated.  Everything.  And everyone.  I hated what had happened to me.

The last time I left St. George, I buried the Alisha I was.  I was certain I couldn't be happy, I was certain I didn't deserve to be happy, I was certain my life was over.  

Moving back up to Salt Lake AGAIN over this summer made me reflect on just how far I have come.  I no longer just try and get by.  I survived the unthinkable.  I survived what no one should ever have to endure.  I found happiness again.  Moving from St. George this second time was so hard.  Sure I left a beautiful home, and a neighborhood I loved, and friends I adored.  But leaving this time around, was different because I was afraid I would lose all the progress I had made.

You see, Saint George was the city I lost myself in.  But then it was also the city I regained my identity in.  

I realized how much I needed to heal in those years we lived in St. George.  I remembered how to hope again.  I remembered how to be happy again.  And now, I realize it is not tied to the city itself.  I fought hard against my past to overcome.  I fought for life.  I fought for my family.  I fought for myself.  

I am a fighter.

I have fought back after being raped to forgive what I thought was unforgivable; to recognize that I deserved all the happiness life has to offer me.

So here I am, today.  5 years after that defining moment in my life.  Here I am, proudly wearing a medal that will forever symbolize finding myself again!

Choices

Isn't it funny how life gives you moments where choices must be made? Let me explain...

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Like ugly crying, full blown tears, feeling crappy about my postpartum, saggy body. I was being overly critical about my saggy belly, along with other areas. I cried and cried on the bathroom floor about not having anything to wear. And then I cried harder about the suggestion to go shopping for new clothes. (It was a lose, lose day.)

At one point, Jason finally was a bit direct. He told me my expectations 5 and a half weeks after having a csection were unrealistic.

He's right. 

I can't expect to be back into my size 6 skinny jeans after only 5 weeks. 

But yesterday I made the choice to start doing something actively each day to tilt the scale my way. I made the choice to make it a priority.

And just as that choice was made, it was time to make another choice.

We've been running into a few health-related things with Madison.  Without going into all the details...last week there was talk of surgery, there were X-rays, ultrasounds, medications, and weight checks. 

Today was another check-up and the doctor still isn't thrilled at what's happening.  

It was as I was walking out of the hospital that I made the choice.

My size 6 jeans don't matter right now.

Now is not the time for me to be worried about counting calories. (Let me make it clear: there are no worries with my milk supply, I have NOT been cutting calories enough to damage my milk supply.)  

What I am saying is right now, it's more important to me to help my baby than it is to get my body back.

After we've figured out things with Madi, then I will re-evaluate. But for now...what was so important to me yesterday, isn't as important to me today. 

So for today, and for the next week, and for as long as necessary....I will be on a scale hiatus. Because really, what does that number tell me anyway?

It's a measurement, and one I felt I was failing at. And honestly, I'm tired of feeling as if I'm failing.   

That number does not define me. Yet I was giving that number such power! (Power over me, and over my emotions, and over the outcome of my day.)

On the drive home today, I reflected instead on how incredible my body is! It's grown a little person. A little, adorable person, if I do say so myself!

And it continues to provide the nourishment and food for her to grow. It knows exactly what to do! It really amazes me! (And to think I've been so hard on my body lately...)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not respecting the incredible job my body has been doing. 

Each of us have so much happening in life, and the last thing we need is to feel we are failing on the scale.  Life is hard enough. 

Don't become a victim to your scale, you are more than the number it shows you!!

Some Days

Some days you are ready to throw in the towel.
Some days it's just not worth it.
Some days you just want to give up.
Some days it's hard.  Real hard.

Some days have been coming a lot lately.

So instead of living in "some days" I have to find a way to live in today.

Today, I am determined to find the strength to do better...today I'm heading out for a walk.
Today, I'm working to clear my mind of all that is holding me back from my best self.

Today.