Day 2

Yesterday I ate well.  I hit the grocery store and stocked up on all the foods I should be eating.

Then.  I ate only those foods!

Also, I wore my pedometer the whole rest of the day.  I didn't end as close to 10,000 as I would have liked...actually, not even close.  But at least I know where I started.  Yesterday I had 5899 steps, equivocating to 1.86 miles walked just in my day-to-day walking.

My goal for today was to have more.....to increase my steps, and be as good with my eating.

Eating has been good so far.  Steps....I'm above yesterdays mark, but not by much!  I can see where I'm lacking.  Tomorrow I'm going to add in a walk I think.

Hopefully by the end of this week I'll see some movement on the scale in a direction that won't bring tears. :)

Day 1

It's easy to want to jump on here and blog when the scale is moving in a direction I like.

Real easy.

And consequently, it's extremely difficult and humbling to log on and be accountable when it's not.

Remember on Monday how I was going to throw away all the crap food in my house?  Remember on Monday how I said I had gained...but at least I wasn't up in the 170's again.

That would have been the case, if I knew what self-control was!

But I don't.

So today I stepped on the scale and I knew it was bad.  So bad that I was ready to not show up, I didn't want to show my face to such a number.  But I texted my mom that I was going, so I had to be accountable.  I had to face the music.

I'm not going to lie.  There were tears.  I tried to hide them, but I didn't do a very good job.  Sure, I guess you could say I was sad I gained.  But really, the tears were of anger.

Anger at myself!

I knew better.  I should have done better!

I let myself down.

I disappointed myself.

So enough with beating myself up...........

I stayed at the meeting and I am so glad I did!  I needed the energy to pick up the broken self I was.  We talked about looking at a time you've been successful and really focusing on what you were doing at that moment.

I've had several times.  Running my marathon.  Hitting my first 10% at WW, hitting my 2nd 10% at WW.  Hitting the smallest weight I've been in a decade.

So what was I doing then?  I was consistent.  Consistently counting and tracking points.  Consistently passing up food I know aren't good for me.  Consistently getting in physical exercise.

I'm doing none of that right now.

DUH!  No wonder I'm up so much.

So I thought hard about what I wanted to do this week....what I could commit to between today and next Thursday.

1.  Tracking.  I will count everything bite I eat for this next week.
2.  Exercise.  I will find 3 days where I can get at least 30 min of exercise in.
3.  Steps.  I want to increase my steps again to the 10,000 mark.  I used to wear my pedometer all the time. Now days, I don't even have a clue how many steps I'm taking in a day.  But, I'll let you know...I'm sticking it on RIGHT NOW.....hold on.  I'm grabbing it......Okay, it's officially on my hip.  I now have 4 steps for the day.

I can do anything for a week!  Then, I'll reevaluate.....

So here goes my week of work.  Today is Day 1, I'm going to take it a day at a time.  Today I am going to CHOOSE to do better.

Because it's a choice, ya know?  And I'm tired of the choices I've been choosing lately.....

Don't Stop!

I'm not stopping, are you?

I made it through the holidays.  Not sure entirely where my weight is, I know I'm still somewhere in the 160's...probably the high 160's, but at least it's not the 70's.  

I didn't do as well as I wanted through the holidays....shoot, I haven't done as well as I wanted for months now.  But I haven't stopped.

I am re-focusing.  Being strict with my point counting.  And tossing all the garbage food in my house TODAY!  

I turn the big 3-0 in almost 4 months...I'm determined to start my 30's off with a bang!  I'm determined to begin 30 at a healthy weight, one where I feel good about myself.

This weeks movin activity:  Just Dance 3.  I'll let ya know how it goes.....

Reality

Okay.  I'm here.  And I'm still hovering at the same point...

I've also come to a conclusion:

No matter how much weight I lose, once I am at a standstill (maintaining the weight) I go right back to feeling fat as ever!

In my head I try to be rational...I try to tell myself that I am still amazing for losing all the weight I have lost.  I try to reassure myself I am not as big as I see myself in my head.

But slowly, the negative self-talk creeps back into my head.  All the feelings I had when I was at my biggest are there...and THAT is how I see myself in the mirror!  It's a battle.  I have to fight with myself everyday in the mirror because I don't believe what I see.  I have to fight with myself because I catch myself calling me horrible things like fat.

What scares me is the thought I might always be like this.  I am scared I will never truly feel satisfied, I might never feel small.

I hate how just a few months ago I felt small, skinny, and awesome for being the size I am now.  Today, I guess I have gotten used to this size and I'm right back to feeling fat, and lazy.

I hate the mind games...

Does it ever get better??  Please tell me it does...

It was ugly

UGLY, I tell ya!

But to be honest...I expected worse.

Today I weighed back in at 167.0  BOOOOO!

But I have to start somewhere again.  So now, I'll RE-LOSE those extra 4.2 pounds.

(hopefully sooner than later...)

But here's the good news...

I may have been up, but life is a journey.  I am well aware that it can't always be a downhill loss.  I realize I have to work for the weight loss...which I haven't been.  So I am re-focused, and ready to finish the year strong!

Today

I'm sucking it up.  I'm going in to WW.

Warning:  It is NOT going to be pretty...

Holidays

The holiday's suck.

Not the family time.  That's wonderful.

Not the memories I am making with my kids.  Those are great!

Just the food.  It all SUCKS!

It sucks because it's so wonderful.

Why does food have to taste so damn good sometimes?  TROUBLE, that's what it causes!

For one reason or another I have been a slacker lately when it comes to attending my WW meetings.  And I just realized this Thursday will be no different.  I have to take my son to the doctor...he's got some medical things going on.

So, another week goes by.  My scale is hovering.  Some days a bit higher, other days a bit lower.  I need to get my rear-end moving though.  I'm very tired of this place I'm at.  I've been stagnant for far too long.  And I know the only thing to get me past the hump is some exercise.  So my goal for this week...move!!!

Missed again

I had to miss weigh in again.  I HATE that!  We have had a sick, sick household.

The good news?  My scale is still showing me in the 150's!  :)

The other good news?  I had been competing in a friendly weight loss competition from August until Halloween.  There was a good sized group of us, we all paid $$ to enter.

AND I WON!  Barely.  But, I won!  I worked hard for that too!

So what did I win??  $300 plus a lot of other awesome perks.  (I don't remember them all, but I remember they are really cool!)

So what am I going to do with the $300??  Well, the logical side of me says tuck it away.....Christmas is coming.  The selfish and frivolous side of me says I'm going to get my hair done, I want a sexy new outfit.

I guess we will see which side of me wins out.....

Wardrobe

So remember how I was complaining about my wardrobe...or lack there of?

Well there's some benefit to complaining on the blog.  There is also some benefit in humbling myself and admitting my true size at the moment for all the blogging world to see.  (Or for the 3 people who read this...)

You see...I have an absolutely fantastic neighbor who also knows the woes of losing weight.  She has dropped some weight and is looking SMOKIN' right now.  She was kind enough to offer some of the clothes she had that are in my current size!

I came home with an entire sack full of brand new (to me) clothes.  (Seriously, they looked like they should still have the tags on them!)

There is really nothing better when you are losing weight than to have clothes that actually fit!  Even if it's just a few...or even if it's just for a moment.  It is that satisfaction of having things fit the way they should!  And as fantastic as that satisfaction is, it is hard to justify buying new clothes each size of the way....my pocket book would have a fit!

So, Marissa...thank you.  I LOVE them, and had a mini-fashion show in my bedroom the other night feeling all fancy in your old, my new clothes.