Today was bad

I really could just end the post with that one sentence.

Today was bad.

I wanted to eat everything and anything. 

And I kinda did.

I'm not thrilled with how I feel (physically or emotionally) at this point. I'm chugging lots of water. 

Normally I would have just hid from the blog. But I'm here to show you, bad days suck. But I'm determined to stop the bad DAY and not make it bad dayS or a bad WEEK. Or month. Or year.

Time to start tomorrow with a good choice, rather than Reese's Christmas Trees (that might have started off my day today......) 

Time

Time passes, one way or another. Today this popped up on my timeline:

Reminded me (very vividly) of the moment I finally found my health after everything. 

I am so proud of how hard I began fighting for me. Yes, I took a (long) break from this blog. (I probably even lost all the readers I had.) But here's the thing: I'm still me. And I'm still fighting.

I have no doubt I'll get back to where I was. And I'm grateful every day for the surprise Madi brought me. Clearly I wasn't ecstatic when I first found out. But man, I don't know what my life would be without that crazy girl.

Writing on this blog has always been so therapeutic for me. I forgot how much I needed and loved it for that reason. 

So here's to finding my health again like I finally did 3 years ago before my pregnancy. Here's to finding time for me despite being a crazy, full-time working mom. 

It's almost been 15 years since everything happened to me. I think it's time to keep pushing forward  publicly. I've always continued to try (even when I wasn't writing). But I've missed the aspect of trying to help others find themselves again as I worked on my own journey.

So if you're reading this today, thank you. Thanks for sticking with me. Know that I believe in you just as much as I believe in myself. Let's make this our 'Sweet 16' year!!!

Good things are happening

So yesterday I worked. And when I got to work, I glanced at my phone and saw the best thing ever. I won something. 

You guys.

I have never won anything. Not a contest. Not a drawing. I've never entered anything and been chosen. 

Sure, I've won competitions that I've worked hard for. But never been "lucky" to win.

Yesterday, my streak ended when I saw this on Instagram:

I'm super thrilled to have won!! This is my first dietbet experience.

BUT....I was even more giddy about the fact that THEREALHEIDIPOWELL, Heidi-freaking-Powell typed in my name to congratulate me. 

(Now don't be burstin my bubble, telling me it was some PR person logged in her account.) (because I will choose to disagree and instead believe that the incredible Heidi knows who I am.) 

Post edit: I just realized she also mentioned me on the post on her blog!

I love Heidi. And Chris. 

Star struck much?

I mean really, Heidi and I are practically BFFs now...

Truth

News flash.  My blog has been closed for a while.  Not because I haven't been trying.  (and falling) (and trying some more)

It's been closed because I haven't known what to write.

It's been weird.

But after a gentle nudge from a friend (love you Windee) I decided I needed to use my blog as my outlet.

Maybe I'll have something profound to say, but most likely not.

What I can promise is honesty.

So the question looms....where am I in my journey to health....

I'm still fighting.

Each year I want this to be the last one I have to make a resolution weight related.  And each year ends with disappointment.  This year, I've taken a new outlook.  You see, each year I HOPE to refocus on my health.  Because my health is really important to me!  It's not a "failure" to be focusing on health each year.  It shows determination, it shows desire.  And most importantly, it shows that it's absolutely okay to keep trying when things don't go how you see them go in your head.

2016 is a lot of things to me.  But mostly, it's finding health in ALL aspects.  Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  2016's focus is going to be balance in my life.

One aspect that I've always focused on for this blog is my weight.  And that is no different this year.  I ended the year working hard on dropping pounds. (took a brief break between Christmas and New Years) (and am not back at it again.)

More than anything, if you are reading this you should know one very important reason I re-started the blog:  It's okay to be exactly where you are at today.  Don't let where you hoped you would be get you down.  Just pick up today and be grateful for it.  Today can be what you make it.  And I'm choosing to make it sweet!  Here's to a 'Sweet '16,' wanna join me in making it as sweet as we can make it!?

Hip, hip, HOORAY!

Today I weighed in on my scale.
I am officially the lowest I've been in a year+.
Over this last year I've mostly stayed in the high 190's to low 200's.
I did get as high as 210...possibly even almost 215 at one point.
(I'd have to go back through my Withings scale app....and frankly, at this point, I don't want to spend too much time in the rear view mirror.)

But today was good!
Today was encouraging.
Today was a nice change of pace.

As far as workouts go...

I'm working out HARD in the gym we have every other day.
I also use a stability ball for wall squats and ball hip up curls.  (I call the hip ups DEATH!)
I am SO sore when I finish.  SO SORE!
I've worked out in the gym many times before but have never used a stability ball, so I know the added soreness is coming from the ball.  It's crazy intense.
After lifting, I jump on the treadmill and walk for 20min, keeping my HR in the fat burning zone.

I am dripping in sweat by the time I finish!  It's intense, but I love feeling like it's making a difference.

On days I don't lift, I have the option to get in a walk.  I haven't done this yet.  Typically, I'm so sore.  Or I'm dead tired from working graves.  So I've just been doing the bare minimum.  (And if I'm being totally honest, which I always am, I've even skipped a few workouts.)

Each day I press on.
I can't lie and say it's easy.
It's not.
Everyday I want to stuff my face with foods that aren't good for me.
Ice cream, cookies, chips, fast food, candy.
But.
I don't.
Everyday I fight with myself, and most of them I win.

Here's to continuing this plan.  I can't wait to see where I finish September at!
We now have less than 100 days until the end of this year.  (Crazy, right?!)
What goals are you going to set for yourself between now and then?
Pick something, be deliberate.  Be intentional.  What is something you can focus on and be proud of yourself that you accomplished or stuck to come December 31st?

A Week of Change

This past week I can say I've put in more effort with what I eat than I have in probably the last 6 months combined.  I know I've hinted on Instagram about the changes I decided to make last week.  I was hesitant to share.  (At least until I knew I was going to really make a go of this.)

So a while back, my fantastic cousin introduced me to a business here called Total Health and Fitness.  At the time, I honestly thought 'hm.  They have a lot of fantastic philosophies when it comes to how to lose weight....but, I can do this on my own.'  And at the time, I did.

Then, last year sometime, my dad also started going there and has had amazing success!  And at that time, I was either pregnant or had just had Madi.  And again, thought I could do this just as I did before.

Flash forward.

I have struggled.  I've felt myself slipping.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.  I know what I want, and I haven't done it.  But I haven't done it because I have been holding myself back.  Plus I've been intimidated by trying to figure out when and what and how much to eat while I'm working the graveyard shift as a nurse.

So, I jumped.  And it was a pretty big jump for me.  I wanted to stand up tall and shout to the world "I did this myself" when I lost all the weight.  I was letting pride stop me.  But then I smartened up.  It dawned on me one night, what matters more?  Is my pride more important than my health?  The answer is no.

So I'm here to say:  I sought out help to get things in order.  I sought out help to find myself again.  Because if I'm being 100% honest right now, I don't like myself right now.  I have gotten back to my old habits of avoiding mirrors, of wearing sweatshirts in 90+ degree weather.

Plain and simple:  I don't like where I'm at right now and I feel too stuck to move.

So I met Bryce.

Bryce is fantastic.  He's helpful, and yet has made it clear he will cut through any BS.  He explains things in so much detail for me.  I love it!  So by now, you're probably wondering exactly what Bryce does for me at Total Health.......right?

He is my coach, or advisor, or whatever you want to call him.  (Sorry Bryce, I don't know your technical title)  (Not that you will ever read this....)

At Total Health and Fitness, you sign up for their program, and each week you meet with your "person" (Bryce).  He sits down with me and figures out a meal plan for the week.  A DETAILED meal plan.  He figures out how many calories I should be eating to drop weight.  But not just calories....he makes sure my percent of protein compared to carbs compared to fats is all where it needs to be to give me the best results possible.  He also details a workout regimen that I am able to follow at home.

Each week I meet with him, we change things up so my body is surprised.  It's the shock and awe factor!

He also has me step on a nifty machine that does a complete body composition analysis.  It tells me my body water balance, my segmental lean analysis (where all my fat is being stored), my BMI, my percent of body fat, and of course my weight.  We take physical measurements so I can see the inches shrinking.  It's pretty awesome!

I'm not going to lie.  Week one (last week) was mortifying.  It was ugly.  It was uncomfortable.  I was determined to follow what he told me to do as closely as I could just so I could never be back at that point again.  (Spoiler alert:  I did!)

After meeting with me, Bryce is confident that if I work hard (and follow what he's telling me) that he can have me to my goal weight by February.  FEBRUARY!  That means the holiday's I'm going to need to focus in and treat them as a ONE-DAY holiday.....NOT a 3 month holiday!!!

So there you have it.  THAT is what the change is all about.

And I am happy to report that after one full week, meeting with Bryce again today, I felt great!  Proud.  Happy!  Excited.  Taking this one week at a time helps it to feel doable!

So yes.  I will be posting on here what I love (and maybe don't love) about the program.  This is no different from when I lose all the weight before.  I fully expect there to be ups and downs.  Slip ups and bang ups.  After all, last week I wasn't perfect with my diet.  (And by diet, I mean FOOD.  Not "diet" because this IS a lifestyle change.)  I slipped up and had some breadsticks while watching football Saturday.  (And maybe a few chips too.)  I splurged on some fries on Monday.  I made mistakes this last week.  But when I did, I didn't let myself get out of control.

I am starting to gain the control back again, and I like how that feels!!!

Alas....you are probably wondering about results now, right?  I know I would be!

My starting week:
Weight:  204.1 (aiming for the mid-high 140's)
Body Fat %:  40.1  (aiming for around 24ish%)
Fat Mass:  81.84 (aiming to lose most of my weight from this section)
Lean Mass:  122.26 (aiming to keep my lean muscle weight at this point, or higher)

I was told to focus on losing the fat mass....0.6% per week.  Because when you focus on the "weight" it is deceiving once you realize how much your weight is made up of.  And Bryce reassures me that by following my menu, and workout routine, I will be losing the weight from the fat mass rather than losing my lean muscle mass.

My Week 1 Results:
Weight:  198.0 (loss of 6.1 lbs)
Body Fat %:  38.7 (loss of 1.4%...more than doubled what I was aiming for!)
Fat Mass:  76.63 (loss of 5.2lbs)
Lean Mass:  121.37 (loss of 0.88)

This post has already become much longer than expected....but I'll post again soon about the types of foods I'm eating and the exercises I'm doing....

Be the Change

It's time for me to get up.

It's time for me to brush myself off.

I know I've said it before.

And I've hesitated even blogging about it again.

But because I'm honest, and this journey is real, I am putting myself out there.

I am hoping this will be the last time I start over.  

I am hoping this time will be the time things click again.

I am hoping I never have to come to this blog and say I'm sorry for falling off the wagon.  Or I'm sorry for neglecting myself and this blog.  

So for my own sake.  I'm documenting.

Today.

Today is the day I made a big commitment. 

Today is the day I sought out help from others.

I'll go more into everything soon.

But just know, today is real.

Today I'm fighting to get me back.

It's going to be a battle, but I've gotta win.

So I'm off to make a grocery list and give this week 110%.

Today I'm going to live the change I want to be...

Reality Hurts

There are times I make some lofty goals.  
You know, the whole dream big concept.
Only, I fall.  Or fail.
Or both.

Today is August 22nd.
I'm not even close to where I wanted to be.
Not on the scale, not on the miles on runs.

Honestly, I've been hiding from the truth.
I've been avoiding the whole come clean process.

Sure, I could fill this blog with some very valid excuses.
I could sit and tell you all how hard August has been.
I could tell you about my job and the crazy hours/days I've been working.
I could tell you about so much that has been happening (mentally and physically).

But where will that get me?

I don't want pity.  I don't want a way out.
I definitely don't need someone excusing my behavior.

Because frankly, my behavior has stunk.
Sure, I've been busy.  Who isn't?!
But I could have found opportunities to make the time for what's important.
I could have sucked it up and made it happen.

But here I am, wishing I would have.

And this feeling sucks.

I was supposed to be working to lose weight to head to Marco Island in December with Jason.  (Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)
I was supposed to be working hard to run and train for the St. George Marathon.
(Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)

Neither has happened.  I am most certainly not where I planned to be.
I'm embarrassed, I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated.

Dare I say it, part of me even wants to quit.
It's easier to just quit, you know.  It's easier to pretend like I don't care.

But the thing is, I do care.
I care about achieving goals I have set.

I'm not crazy enough to believe I still have a chance at hitting my goal by September 6th to buy my ticket to Marco Island.  And I'm not about to buy it anyway, just because I want to go and can afford the ticket.  I truly don't feel I've worked for it.  I've seen the work Jason has put in.  (Holy smokes, he's looking good as she shrinks away...)  It wouldn't be right for me to assume I can just go despite not putting in my end of the deal.

Does that mean I quit?  Does that mean I give up?
No.

I may not get to Marco Island, but was that the end goal?  No.  It would have been a nice perk!  But the end goal is finding myself again after this pregnancy.  The end goal is getting my healthy body back again.  And I owe it to my kids, my family, and myself to keep pushing for that.

Now about this other lofty goal....the marathon.

I'm not even going to pretend I'm going to be ready like I hoped.
I won't.
I haven't put in the miles to even consider making a "time" goal for the race.
So here I am.  Throwing it all out the window.
I'm determined to start that race.  And I'm going to give it every last ounce of effort I have within me to finish.  I will leave it all out there on the road that day.

And between now and then, I'm going to gain some laser focus.  A wise friend (who consequently is also running this race with me) reminded me today to stop beating myself up.  To stop thinking about what I haven't accomplished, and focus instead on what I have.  To focus instead on the time I have left and not let it slip away.

So here I go.

I make no promises.

I am making no loft, dream big goals.

My only goal right now is to focus each hour of the day, because at this point...that seems pretty hard to do!

Everything starts with a choice, right?  So each choice I make, the question will be....'will this bring me closer to finishing the marathon, or will this set me back?"

Summer is Hard

Let me just say what you all are thinking:

SUMMER IS HARD TO STAY ON TRACK.

But really, replace "summer" with "anytime."  Because that's the truth.  Yes, it was the 4th of July this past week.  And oh boy, did we celebrate!  We enjoyed a delicious breakfast in the canyon with my fantastic family.  (Have I mentioned that breakfast is my FAVORITE meal?)  (Because it is!)

That evening we also kept with tradition and had a marvelous firework show with home made ice cream.

I'll be honest.  Not once did I ever consider saying "no" to either of these things.  Because you see, this is my life.  And I am going to enjoy the traditions that come with it.  Did that mean that July 5th I continued celebrating?

Nope.  Not at all.

In fact, I still have strawberry homemade ice cream in my freezer that I haven't even been tempted to touch.

You see, you have to live.  You can't deprive yourself.  This journey I am on does not have a finish line.  There is no, "well I have to avoid it all NOW...until I reach some number, only to then binge myself sick with all the foods I've avoided."

I've stuck to my plan.  One day a week I can not be accountable for what I eat.  For me, July 4th was that day.  And since then, I've lifted and ran and worked out and eaten great.

All in all, I'm very happy with the results I had this last week.

(Obviously I'm still a bit behind in my tracking for Marco Island, but I'm going to keep pushing and see what I can make happen!)

Clearly, my results aren't quite what my crazy husband managed to do.  But, he was also working out 3 times a day (sometimes more) and he cut out all fast food.  Up until this last week, he ate out pretty much every lunch wherever he wanted to for work.  He stopped that completely.  He stayed focused with food.  Eating lots of protein and veggies.  Man, if only I could have a week like that!

In all seriousness, it feels fantastic to be running along side someone who is pushing me to be better.  We lift together either in the morning or at night every day.  I LOVE it.  It's our time!  I love that I have seen a change in his body already, and he in mine.  This ride we are taking is a lot more fun with a partner and I'm grateful to have him as mine.  We haven't always been "good."  In fact, we've had some pretty rough times in the past.  (Not something I'll dive in to today, but possibly in the future as it relates...)  The point is, neither of us has given up.  We've begun really working on communicating better, and making each other a priority.  Anything worth having takes work!  Marriage, friendships, family relationships, getting healthy.  It all takes constant work.

So I challenge you this week.  Work on what is important to you!  That is the steps Jason and I have taken.  We are putting all our energy and focus into the positive parts of our life.  Life has enough ups and downs, there is no need to focus on the negative or the drama.  Instead choose to live your best life.  It won't be easy.  There will be negativity all around.  So you have to make a choice.  Today.  Right now.  Choose to focus on what makes you a better person....I promise, it works!

Honesty

Last week I spent the week in one of my favorite places EVER.  

Lake Powell

We had a fantastic time enjoying skiing

Tubing

Knee Boarding

Swimming

And so much more!

That being said, Lake Powell came at a crummy time for me.

You see, I was already a little behind on what I needed to be at for my weight in order to go to Florida in December.  But I gave it a valiant effort to stay away from all the delicious treats while I was down there.

Was I perfect? 

Nope.

Could I have been worse?

Ohhh yes!

Once I got home, I've been pre-occupied with some other things happening and didn't put anytime into focusing on jumping back into working out or eating well.

But yesterday was July 1st.  

And Monday, (the 30th) I started a weight loss competition with an old softball friend of mine.

So I figured new month, new contest, new focus!

Just a re-cap on last month...

I started the month off at:

I finished the month off at:

Pretty pathetic, right?  0.3 pounds down.

What that number doesn't show you is how low I actually got for the month.

What that number also doesn't tell you is the water weight I must have been holding on to from Lake Powell.  You see, between Monday and today (the 2nd) all that has changed is 2 runs, lifting weights, and a little extra caution with my diet.  (Read:  no grains, lots of veggies, lots of water)

I didn't weigh in yesterday.  But today I jumped on the scale after my 4 mile run and saw this:

I was pleasantly surprised to be starting July off at the lowest number I had seen in June.

Now for some work!

On Instagram I made some goals as part of a #JulyFitnessPhotoChallenge to help me continue to drop and stay focused:

1.  Run 4 times a week (marathon training)

2.  Lift at least 3 times a week (in our home gym)

3.  No grains for 6/7 days of the week (I'm allowing one free day)

4.  Be outdoors and active 1 day a week with kiddos/family (hike, swim, bike, walk, etc)

So there you have it.

My July plan.

Here's to seeing how much change I can muster up in the next 31 days 

(well...since today is already the 2nd, I guess I only have 29 days left.....)