Reality

Okay.  I'm here.  And I'm still hovering at the same point...

I've also come to a conclusion:

No matter how much weight I lose, once I am at a standstill (maintaining the weight) I go right back to feeling fat as ever!

In my head I try to be rational...I try to tell myself that I am still amazing for losing all the weight I have lost.  I try to reassure myself I am not as big as I see myself in my head.

But slowly, the negative self-talk creeps back into my head.  All the feelings I had when I was at my biggest are there...and THAT is how I see myself in the mirror!  It's a battle.  I have to fight with myself everyday in the mirror because I don't believe what I see.  I have to fight with myself because I catch myself calling me horrible things like fat.

What scares me is the thought I might always be like this.  I am scared I will never truly feel satisfied, I might never feel small.

I hate how just a few months ago I felt small, skinny, and awesome for being the size I am now.  Today, I guess I have gotten used to this size and I'm right back to feeling fat, and lazy.

I hate the mind games...

Does it ever get better??  Please tell me it does...

It was ugly

UGLY, I tell ya!

But to be honest...I expected worse.

Today I weighed back in at 167.0  BOOOOO!

But I have to start somewhere again.  So now, I'll RE-LOSE those extra 4.2 pounds.

(hopefully sooner than later...)

But here's the good news...

I may have been up, but life is a journey.  I am well aware that it can't always be a downhill loss.  I realize I have to work for the weight loss...which I haven't been.  So I am re-focused, and ready to finish the year strong!

Today

I'm sucking it up.  I'm going in to WW.

Warning:  It is NOT going to be pretty...

Holidays

The holiday's suck.

Not the family time.  That's wonderful.

Not the memories I am making with my kids.  Those are great!

Just the food.  It all SUCKS!

It sucks because it's so wonderful.

Why does food have to taste so damn good sometimes?  TROUBLE, that's what it causes!

For one reason or another I have been a slacker lately when it comes to attending my WW meetings.  And I just realized this Thursday will be no different.  I have to take my son to the doctor...he's got some medical things going on.

So, another week goes by.  My scale is hovering.  Some days a bit higher, other days a bit lower.  I need to get my rear-end moving though.  I'm very tired of this place I'm at.  I've been stagnant for far too long.  And I know the only thing to get me past the hump is some exercise.  So my goal for this week...move!!!

Missed again

I had to miss weigh in again.  I HATE that!  We have had a sick, sick household.

The good news?  My scale is still showing me in the 150's!  :)

The other good news?  I had been competing in a friendly weight loss competition from August until Halloween.  There was a good sized group of us, we all paid $$ to enter.

AND I WON!  Barely.  But, I won!  I worked hard for that too!

So what did I win??  $300 plus a lot of other awesome perks.  (I don't remember them all, but I remember they are really cool!)

So what am I going to do with the $300??  Well, the logical side of me says tuck it away.....Christmas is coming.  The selfish and frivolous side of me says I'm going to get my hair done, I want a sexy new outfit.

I guess we will see which side of me wins out.....

Wardrobe

So remember how I was complaining about my wardrobe...or lack there of?

Well there's some benefit to complaining on the blog.  There is also some benefit in humbling myself and admitting my true size at the moment for all the blogging world to see.  (Or for the 3 people who read this...)

You see...I have an absolutely fantastic neighbor who also knows the woes of losing weight.  She has dropped some weight and is looking SMOKIN' right now.  She was kind enough to offer some of the clothes she had that are in my current size!

I came home with an entire sack full of brand new (to me) clothes.  (Seriously, they looked like they should still have the tags on them!)

There is really nothing better when you are losing weight than to have clothes that actually fit!  Even if it's just a few...or even if it's just for a moment.  It is that satisfaction of having things fit the way they should!  And as fantastic as that satisfaction is, it is hard to justify buying new clothes each size of the way....my pocket book would have a fit!

So, Marissa...thank you.  I LOVE them, and had a mini-fashion show in my bedroom the other night feeling all fancy in your old, my new clothes.

Oh boy

As much as I was sabotaging myself earlier, now I've apparently made up for it.  The scale and I are friends again!  So much so that I actually saw a number I haven't seen in I DON"T KNOW HOW LONG!

159...

I had to blink.  Twice.  Then I had to step off, zero out the scale.  And then I stepped back on.  (and I repeated this pattern probably 5 times.)

(and if you think I'm joking, I'm not.)

Sabotage.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Really?  Why?!

I get almost to a new place that I'm so excited about.......ALMOST.  Then I self sabotage with cookies, and ice cream, and donuts, and cheesecake.

Why?

I could just smack myself I am so angry!

I was inches...INCHES away from being considered a healthy weight at my weekly weigh in.  You think that would make me more careful!  You think that would make me work harder!  Especially with how freaking long it's taken these 10 pounds to fall off!

But no.  I'm an idiot human.

A very frustrated human that regrets turning to food the last few days.  Now I've got to bust my rear end and try and salvage this week.....

 

Compliment

I recently bumped into an old friend. I smiled at her but she didn't say hi like I would have expected. So, I went over and approached her.

It was only then I realized why she had ignored me.

She instantly said "oh my! Alisha I didn't even recognize you! You are so small!!"

I laughed and didn't think much else of it.

Until yesterday that is.

This time thankfully the person recognized me because I didn't even see him or his wife. He told me he would have never recognized me if he hadn't seen my recent picture on Facebook.

The point of this? I think I should take those as compliments, right? I guess I still think of myself as looking the same to people. I guess I had no idea what effect weight has on how a person looks...