HUGE.

This is me.

At my lowest weight.

(Actually, this picture is a little heavier than my lowest weight...)

(I'll take another picture for the post...)

I have a lot of thoughts I want to share on it.

I've hit quite the HUGE milestone.

I am working on a post that really dives deep into me...my thoughts.  

My feelings.

Just know this:

I've spent a lot more time in front of the mirror the last few days.

I am starting to see myself a little differently in the mirror these days.

And it's actually really rewarding.

Even in the pictures I see, I can say out loud how excited I am to FEEL SMALL!

(I've never felt small....not even when I WAS small back in high school.)

So watch for the post, I promise it's coming.

It is just taking me some time to put my thoughts out there about this.

(And it doesn't help that I am right in the heat of a busy semester in school...)

High FIVE

Today was my long run.  And I'm not going to lie and pretend I wasn't nervous.  I realized the last time I ran 5 miles straight was when I ran the marathon.....5 years ago.  And before training for that....NEVER!

So today I was a nervous nelly.  I didn't know if I could trust my body to do all 5 miles.

My sweet husband kept telling me to trust myself.  He told me I'm too hard on myself, and that I needed to stop doubting and start believing.  (He's so right!)  (Don't tell him I said that.....)

I also received some awesome advice from my professional runner friend Brandi who told me to watch my heart rate!  It was something I'd never done before.  I'd always paid attention to my pace rather than my HR.  So today, my goal was to keep my heart rate within the aerobic range for my body (140-160).

At first, I felt like I was going at a SNAILS PACE!  But I felt strong.  1/2 through my run I wasn't labored at all.  In fact, I didn't even realize I was already 1/2 done!

By the time I finished, I felt strong.  Seriously, I probably could have continued!  I was SHOCKED that I ran the entire 5 miles without feeling labored at all!  My legs were strong!  My lungs were strong! My body was strong!

I FELT AMAZING!

Pace: 11:33 min/mile (Splits: 10:49, 11:47, 11:22, 11:40, 12:08)

Thank you to all the loving encouragement and belief sent my way.  I'm truly starting to see that I sometimes don't give myself enough credit.....

Oh. Hi.

What have you been up to this week?

Me?

I've been busy in pretty much every aspect of my life.  Here's the recap:

• SCHOOL:  Studied my tail off for a massive nursing test.  (YES!  They are all massive!)  (This particular test have a very low passing rate...as far as I can tell only about 5 people actually passed...luckily, I was one!)

• ME PROGRESS:  I've been a stickler this week to stay on track with my planned runs!  
• Monday I ran the 3 miles I already talked about (splits 8:50, 11:08, 10:03)
• Tuesday I ran 8 laps around my little neighborhood for a total of 3.03 miles (splits 9:37, 9:50, 9:27)
• Wednesday I took the day off from running...I was out at school ALL. DAY. LONG.  Then, last night I was invited to a coed softball game.  I played fast pitch softball in high school and LOVED it.  And have MISSED IT!  So I jumped at the opportunity!  (And I even got a hit!) 
• Thursday (today) I started the morning off with 3.18 mile walk with the hubby up the mountain behind our house (in 57:47 minutes).  It was a cool morning and loved feeling Fall!  After that I hit the pavement running....I ran 3 miles (splits 9:21, 10:09, 11:00).  My hip was a bit sore and my hamstrings were tight from the uphill walk earlier...but I FINISHED!!

• MY PLAN:  Tonight...I'll be headed to Zumba for an hour!  Tomorrow I've got a 5 mile run planned and then 2 hours of Zumba tomorrow night.  The Zumba is the Party in Pink to raise money for breast cancer awareness and I'm pumped about it!  :)  The run, on the other hand, scares the crap out of me.  Running is so mental!  And I need to get my head on straight during my run tomorrow.  It's been 5 years since I ran 5+ miles!  5 YEARS!  And before my marathon training, I don't think I had ever run 5 miles!  So tomorrow I'll be stepping up to the plate again....ready to face the anxiety of the 5 mile fear!

Wish me luck!

Now...what's YOUR PLAN for the rest of this week?  How are YOU going to make a step in the RIGHT direction?  Maybe it's a walk?  Or a bike ride?  But seriously, do me a favor......DO SOMETHING FOR YOU!  You deserve a healthy body.  You really do!

1/2 Training and October goals

I've finally figured out my 1/2 training schedule.  

Here is what my October looks like...

I didn't get out yesterday for my run, so I'll be doing 3 miles today and tomorrow.

Wednesday's I always have the day off because it ends up being a LONG day out at school!

Saturday's are also rest days because I have 12 hours clinicals.

At the beginning of each month, I'll post the calendar for accountability.

If you don't see me posting about my 1/2 training....feel free to call me out on it!

I need to do this, and my goal is to finish it in 2:30.  (Scary!!!)

I know the only way I'll get there is consistently training....

Now onto October goals!

I'm at the point that I'm ready to commit to saying:

BY HALLOWEEN I WILL SEE THE 40's ON MY SCALE!

Pounding the pavement

When things get stressful in my life, pounding the pavement always helps!  They say any problem can be fixed with salt water...the beach, tears, or sweat.  And since I can't get to a beach, and crying gives me a headache....running it is!  

Today I pushed myself 4 miles.  (Remember, I have a 1/2 marathon I'm training for!)  I had Jason go out and drop me off.  I despise out and back runs.  So we drove out 4 miles and I started.  Jason gave me a few tips.  He watched me run last Saturday in our 5K (for as long as he could keep up...).  He noticed I was running up and down rather than forward.  When he mentioned that, I remembered others saying the same thing in years past.  So today, I was set out to focus on propelling myself forward rather than bobbing up and down.

It feels different running that way.  My hip was feeling a little sore by 1/2 through the run.  But I honestly felt like I was going faster!  Then I came home and looked at my splits:

Mile 1:  9:00  (I NEVER run a 9 min/mile!!!)

Mile 2:  10:01 (Still pretty fast for me...)

Mile 3:  11:07  This mile was ALL UP HILL!!!  Ugh.  

Mile 4:  10:49  I was TIRED by this point and my legs were sore in all new places

To sum it up, I can tell a HUGE difference in running forward.  I really just watched my shadow and made sure I wasn't bobbing.  It helped!

My overall time was 40:59 (a 10:15 min/mile)...not too shabby!

Sunday will be my next run.  A simple 3 miles.  But next week, OH!  Next week I'm going 5 miles.  My stomach is already in knots!

I'm real.

Real honest.

And I honestly earned the number I saw.  (And not in a good way!)

I can't lie to you guys.  Monday and Tuesday were ROUGH!  I was emotional and I ate my emotions rather than feeling them.

Wednesday I pulled up my big girl panties again and moved forward.  (After all, I have a competition ending in 2 weeks that I REALLY want to win!)

Wednesday I rocked my face off with my food choices.  Today has been great too.

I guess you could say I'm back on track!

Huge thanks to all you sweet followers and friends for pulling me out of the dumps when I was perfectly content eating myself miserable.

My scale sits at about 160.something.  But.....all things considered, it could have been sooooo much worse.

I honestly didn't know what to post today and finally I realized.....EVERYONE messes up.  I've messed up along this journey 23420349482034823094820349 times!  But I haven't quit.  And neither should you!

I don't care if you had cheesecake last night!  I don't care if you stuffed your face with McDonald's AND Burger King just for lunch alone!  I don't care if you ate 6000 calories yesterday.  I don't care if you've been off the weight loss wagon for a long time or a short time.  The truth is, we all mess up.  Our success is determined merely by fact that we can brush ourselves off and do better.

Sadly, I'll probably mess up another 2390482304928 times.  (and so might you!)  So what?!  You are trying!  And THAT my friends is going to get you somewhere!

Success is measured by the amount of times we get back up after we fall down....and all you have to do is get up one more time than you fall to succeed!

So get up!

Moments.

I had a moment yesterday.

It wasn't a moment.  It was more like an event.  And not a good event, either!

You see, I have this business conference I have to be at on Saturday.  The dress code:  business casual. Sadly, that means no scrubs.  Or jeans.  Or sweats and hoodie sweatshirts.

I was actually excited (at first) at the idea of going shopping and finding something nice to wear.  I set out yesterday to search.  I asked the hubby to tag along since my style sense is pretty poor.  Sadly, I ended up going on my own.

I wandered through the store, finding what I thought were cute things.  I pick up pants, blouses, etc.  I head to the dressing room....

NOTHING FIT RIGHT.

Every time I'd try something on I felt it hugged my body in all the wrong places.

And can I just say that dressing room mirrors are HORRIBLE!!!

Eventually I bought what I thought were the "best" options.  Apparently I was mistaken and they will all be going back today...

To say the whole event put me in tears would be an understatement!  I was full out, sobbing...you know, ugly crying!  I felt awful about myself.

Now I know what some of you might be thinking....'why is SHE feeling sorry for herself when she can fit in a size 8...I'd KILL for a size 8!'

Trust me people!  I've said things like that in my head before about others.  So I'm going to do the best I can to explain where all these tears came from.

Not so very long ago I was the very fat girl.  I was the girl who hid from everything (people, events, pictures, etc.)  I would struggle to find clothes that fit me right.  I always told myself that I would NEVER have this problem if I could just lose all the weight.

Now, the weight is gone.  But my emotions are not fixed.  I see all my trouble areas anytime I am looking in the mirror.  I don't even see myself...it's almost like I see the girl I was before.  It's really strange.  But if I'm being perfectly honest, there are few things that I wear that I actually feel attractive in.  (Hence the reason I mostly wear big t-shirts and sweatshirts STILL!)

Just once I'd love to go into a dressing room with clothes in hand and have something I picked out actually work for my body!  Just once I'd like to not feel embarrassed about my lack of style.  Just once I'd like to feel like a million bucks in an outfit. 

Yesterday was not that day.  Yesterday, I left feeling deflated.  Yesterday I left feeling vulnerable.

Yesterday I came home and threw my ugly cry and sadness into left over chocolate cake.......

Weigh-in Monday

Today I didn't want to step on the scale.  I feel bloated.  And I was afraid.  I know that time of the month will be here in a few days and I always gain when that hits.  Ugh.

But it was contest day.  For my Monday weigh in's I use my scale upstairs....but it's 2 pounds off.  It's always been 2 pounds off.  (2 pounds off what WW says, 2 pounds off what the wii weighs me in at, 2 pounds off when I weigh a bag of sugar.  2 pounds off!)  Thursday's I weigh in on the wii to keep a log.  I just hate weighing in everyday because when the scale fluctuates I get frustrated.  (Even though I know fluctuation is NORMAL!)

Get my point?  MY SCALE IS 2 POUNDS OFF...

But I weighed in and took a picture today....so now you can do a little math.

Yes.  That means I weigh 156.4 today!!  WooHoo!  Hello October!  Now.  I fully expect that number to go up slightly in the next few days because of my monthly friend.  But hopefully I'll be able to keep the eating in control!

Coming to a post near you soon:  My October Goals!