I had a moment yesterday.
It wasn't a moment. It was more like an event. And not a good event, either!
You see, I have this business conference I have to be at on Saturday. The dress code: business casual. Sadly, that means no scrubs. Or jeans. Or sweats and hoodie sweatshirts.
I was actually excited (at first) at the idea of going shopping and finding something nice to wear. I set out yesterday to search. I asked the hubby to tag along since my style sense is pretty poor. Sadly, I ended up going on my own.
I wandered through the store, finding what I thought were cute things. I pick up pants, blouses, etc. I head to the dressing room....
NOTHING FIT RIGHT.
Every time I'd try something on I felt it hugged my body in all the wrong places.
And can I just say that dressing room mirrors are HORRIBLE!!!
Eventually I bought what I thought were the "best" options. Apparently I was mistaken and they will all be going back today...
To say the whole event put me in tears would be an understatement! I was full out, sobbing...you know, ugly crying! I felt awful about myself.
Now I know what some of you might be thinking....'why is SHE feeling sorry for herself when she can fit in a size 8...I'd KILL for a size 8!'
Trust me people! I've said things like that in my head before about others. So I'm going to do the best I can to explain where all these tears came from.
Not so very long ago I was the very fat girl. I was the girl who hid from everything (people, events, pictures, etc.) I would struggle to find clothes that fit me right. I always told myself that I would NEVER have this problem if I could just lose all the weight.
Now, the weight is gone. But my emotions are not fixed. I see all my trouble areas anytime I am looking in the mirror. I don't even see myself...it's almost like I see the girl I was before. It's really strange. But if I'm being perfectly honest, there are few things that I wear that I actually feel attractive in. (Hence the reason I mostly wear big t-shirts and sweatshirts STILL!)
Just once I'd love to go into a dressing room with clothes in hand and have something I picked out actually work for my body! Just once I'd like to not feel embarrassed about my lack of style. Just once I'd like to feel like a million bucks in an outfit.
Yesterday was not that day. Yesterday, I left feeling deflated. Yesterday I left feeling vulnerable.
Yesterday I came home and threw my ugly cry and sadness into left over chocolate cake.......