Hard things.

School is back in full stress swing.  I can already tell this semester is going to be one of the biggest tests for myself.  I realize last year, my instructor really gave us the information we needed to know.  This year, not so much.

This year I'm expected to be a grown up.  (GASP!)  This year, my instructor has promised to take us from incompetent nursing students to an actual, real, live nurse.  She is making us work and learn on our own.  She is directing us, but not handing it to us.

I like this.  I think it will make me appreciate myself and my intellect a little more.

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared to death!  But this is going to push me to become a better nurse.

I was thinking about that in regards to weight loss.  Wouldn't it be so much easier if someone handed us the magic scale that absorbed all our weight?  Wouldn't it help to take away a lot of stress, a lot of tears?  But in the end, would we appreciate it as much?  Or would we take it for granted, and maybe even let ourselves get back to where we were before?

I think when we have to push ourselves, when we have to work our asses off for something we really want (whether it's school, weight, a relationship, a race) THAT is when we "get it."  That is when the reward is so delicious!

Sure, it would be easier if someone handed me a nursing license today and said have at it.  But you know what...I wouldn't have the knowledge I need to be a great nurse.  Losing weight is the same way!  If you don't take the journey...every blasted step of the journey...you won't have the knowledge to keep your lifestyle healthy!

So while the easy way out sounds easy...really, it's just full of disappointment and regret.  Don't sell yourself short.  Put in the work for whatever it is you REALLY want.  Push yourself further when you want to give up, because trust me...there are MANY days I want to give up.

Learn this:  giving up is the easy decision!  We are each so much stronger.  You don't give up when it gets hard!  That should be a lesson we all learned in Kindergarten!  When it gets hard, well that is when we grow the most!  That is when we learn the most.  (I must be learning a LOT lately from all the hard.)

So take your weight loss (or your relationship, or your schooling, or anything else) and look it square in the face and have the courage to do hard things!

I promise, you won't regret it.  You may cry.  You may curse.  You may get frustrated while you are learning along the journey.  But I promise, in the end, you will NEVER regret finding the courage to do hard things!!

Watch this video to learn the importance of NEVER underestimating what you can accomplish when you believe in yourself!  (Thanks Mallory!)

And NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP!

The scale.

Seems like people are always focused on the scale, right?

I know I tend to be!

But believe it or not, there are other ways to track success....

On July 25th, I took body measurements.
(Oh.  The fun!)

I tucked my sheet away for the last month until last night.

I decided it was time to pull out the measuring tape and see if things changed.

WOW.

If you haven't measured your body for comparison, I HIGHLY recommend you do it!  It's quick and simple, and great to see the difference!

So in the last month...

My mama pooch (by far the part of my body I am most self conscious about!) lost 1.5 inches
My belly button circumference lost 2.5 inches 
My waist (where I'd put my hands on my hips) lost 4.5 inches
My hips (the widest part) lost 2.5 inches
My right upper thigh lost 2 inches
My left upper thigh lost 1.5 inches
My breasts lost 1.5 inches (not sure I am happy about this one...)
My right bicep (smack dab in the middle) lost 1 inch
My left bicep (smack dab in the middle) lost 1 inch

And in case you weren't doing the math....that makes for a total of 18.5 inches lost in the month!!

Also.  I stepped on the scale again this morning.  I HAD to.  I knew I was so stinking close to the SIXTIES!  And guess what I finally saw...

Weight lost from the 24th of July until today:  13.7 lbs
Inches lost from the 25th of July until yesterday:  18.5 inches

If that doesn't motivate you to take monthly measurements...what will?

Sixties.

Do you ever get tired of seeing the same set of numbers at the end of your weight?  I do.

I am SOOOOO sick of being in the 70's.  I've been dancing with the low 70's for a while.  Hoovering at 172 ish.

Last Monday I stepped on the scale because I joined a Biggest Loser Competition.  The competition lasts 8 weeks.  We all chipped in money.  Each week, the person with the highest percent of weight lost gets $20.  At the end of the competition the overall winner gets the remaining pot of money.  (Should be a few hundred...not sure of the amount yet though.)

So last Monday, I weighed in at 172.9 pounds.
Today was week 1 weigh in.  I was down to 170.3!  WooHoo!

(I won't know until tomorrow who won the weigh in because everyone has until midnight tonight to send in their results...)

Now back to my original reason for this post...

I am happy, super ecstatic, for a 2.6 loss over the last week!  But REALLY?  Was it too much to ask for 0.4 more?

I AM SO SICK OF THE 70'S!!!

Wednesday I weigh in for another little contest we are doing (this one, no money is involved.)  (Instead, we are cumulatively trying to lose the weight of an actual mini-van!)

Last Wednesday, I was supposed to weigh in...BUT, it was my first day of school and I plain and simple forgot.  I remembered when I got home, but there was NO WAY I was counting the weight I saw at 6pm that night!

(I ALWAYS weigh in first thing in the morning.  Well, almost first thing.  First thing I usually relieve my bladder, and sometimes I get the kids off to school first.  But I never drink or eat before I weigh in.  And.  I always weigh-in in my birthday suit.  Then there's no question of accuracy!)  :)

So, Wednesday I will weigh in again.  (I know, I'm probably scale-obsessed by weighing in twice a week.)  (But I really enjoy the competitions...and I look at today as a "pre" weigh in for Wednesday.  Then Wednesday keeps me on track for the next Monday.)

(Yes.  I realize I am weird.)

So between now and Wednesday I am going to work hard to eat well and continue running for those 0.4 pound...

You have NO IDEA how excited I will be to see the SIXTIES!!!

P.S.  Did you know that I'm just 25 lbs away from my "goal" weight?!

(And by goal weight, I mean the weight I will re-evaluate my body and examine how I fit into clothes.  Because as I've said before, I'm done letting numbers dictate how I feel.  Instead, I want to feel good in clothes, feel fit and firm.  Not soft and mushy...)

SIXTIES, baby!  Come on, SIXTIES!  :)

Who?

Who has two thumbs, wakes up at 6:05 am, and runs a 5K on a Saturday morning?

THIS GIRL!

(me, post race...about to get rid of my awful stink in the shower...)

That's right friends.  I finished.  Not only did I finish, but I finished WITHOUT WALKING!

(Major win in my book!)

It was fun to know 3 other girls that were running it...not that I actually ran with any of them, but it was fun before and after the race to have someone there!  :)

As for how I did...I'm pretty happy with my results.  I knew I wanted to finish under the 35 minute mark.  (That's the pace the app puts me at and I wanted to be ahead...)

I finished 3.1 miles in 31:40 min/mile.  Pace of 10:10 min/mile.

(Not too shabby from the almost 16:00 min/mile I started at the beginning of July...)

Now, onto bigger and better things.  10K is my next step....

Not too late...

It's not too late, my friends!  (My local friends.)

You can still register to run THIS RACE with me on Saturday!

I'm getting excited actually.  Today, my ankle feels 100% walking around on it.  I'm going to test it out tonight with a 30 min run...

Back at it

Today I am back at it. (school.)

I have 9 more months of complete craziness...9 months and I'm a real live nurse.

Just because I'm out at school ALL DAY LONG, doesn't mean I'm going to let up on my workout. I am fully planning on coming home, feeding the kids, then getting on the treadmill! (and now that I've blogged about it, I have to do it.....right?)

Insanity.

Insanity:  having 3 kids, 2 dogs, a husband who works out of town for 4 days out of the week, going to nursing school full time...all while trying to drop the last 30 or so pounds.

Last year during school was when I started "slacking off."  I'm worried.  I want to stay focused.  I want to finish what I started...

Here's to staying accountable despite the crazy life ahead!

Ankle update:  still sore.  :(

School for blogging

I feel like there should be a class to take on blogging.

You know, how to make your blog look all cute (without it taking 7 hours!).  Or how to respond all fancy like to blog comments.

Heads up, yo:  I'm pretty much blogger stupid.  I have been visiting your blogs when you comment on mine.  But today I realized I can actually respond to your comment through email OR through a thread on the blog.  I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Well, I might be the last one out there to realize this...but I'm with it now.  And if there's anything else I'm missing.....help a girl out!  :)

P.S.  My "cuteness" is gone from the blog.  I ruined it.  AND, it took me like 3 hours to get it back to what it is now.  So, if I don't touch it for about a year you'll understand why!  :)  #toopoortopayforawebdesigner

Monday matters.

I always try to make my Monday runs matter.  I figure, I take Sunday off...Monday needs to ROCK!

Today I went out for the first time with a jogging stroller.  

I'll be honest.  I realized stroller running is NOT my favorite.  (Especially UP HILL!)  I like to get my arms into my run and with the stroller...it doesn't quite work.  But, I do enjoy running outside.  I guess it's a trade off.

Today, the plan was to go for 28 minutes straight.  I was 1/2 through and BAM!  Just like that I rolled my ankle.

I stopped.  I was going to walk home but decided to call for a ride to save my ankle the stress.  (After all, I have a 5K this Saturday I want to be ready for!)  So I hitched a ride home and have been icing it.  

Here's hoping I can get on the treadmill tomorrow to complete that 28 min run.

In other news...my weekend was so/so.  My eating wasn't perfect...but I wouldn't say it was bad either! The scale is sitting about the same...here's hoping I can get the scale to move in the next few days too...

Good times, good times.

One Week Out

I am one week from completing my first ever 5K.

(I shouldn't be intimidated about 3.1 miles after having done a run/walk marathon...but I am!)

It's been a while since I ran 3.1 miles straight...and I'm not talking the fat man shuffle run either!

I set a goal to finish the 5K in under an 11:00 min/mile pace.  (I think, I THINK I am on target to do that!)

Today I ran.  I started tracking after my warm up with a nifty new device.  :)
(More on that later...)

So I know you are all DYING to know how I did right....
You are all DYING to know if I'll be ready for next Saturday, right?

Today I went 2.52 miles of straight running in 25:00 minutes.
My average pace:  9:56 min/mile.  SERIOUSLY!?
My splits were...
Mile 1:  9:58
Mile 2:  9:52
Last 0.52 miles:  10:03 (the last part of my run was KILLER...all up hill!)

So.  In a week from today I have to be ready to add on another 0.6 miles to that run.....and I'm praying I can come in under 35 minutes.

(But I'm praying even harder that I can RUN the whole thing without stopping.....)

The day I cried.

Have you ever cried when you put clothes on?  I have.  Remember THIS post?  Sure, the picture was taken in 2009 but I remember that day in my closet like it was yesterday.  I remember those feelings.  I remember how embarrassed I was!  I remember asking myself how I ever let it get THIS bad!  At that moment all the pants I had were 18's and none of them fit.  I was easily a 20...maybe even a 22.  I was just in denial.  So, like that post said, instead of facing the truth...I grabbed maternity pants.  I can still feel the shame from that day!  I still get the same anxiety and sadness when I see that picture.  You see, although I may have a smile on my face...the pain cut deep.

At that point in my life I thought it was too late.  I thought I would NEVER be able to get back into what I wore in high school.  I thought those dreams were too big.  I packed them away, deep inside where it hurt the most!  I pretended I was okay.  I pretended it didn't matter.  I pretended because I didn't think I was strong enough to do anything about it.

Fast forward.

I cried again today.  Only not out of shame or embarrassment.  Not because I was sick of what I'd let myself become.  The tears I cried today were real, and they were victorious.

I did not cry them in my closet.  Instead, I cried them in a dressing room at American Eagle.

I was at the mall today, and on a whim I decided to stop in and try on jeans.

Trying on jeans is a big ordeal for me.  I get anxiety about it because of where my weight USED to be.  I still remember taking in jeans and trying on the biggest size a store had and they not fit.  I remember the feeling of being defeated by jeans.  I have always hated trying on jeans for this reason.  (Even after I have lost 60 plus pounds, the feeling are not forgotten!)

Today I was feeling particularly brave.

And I'm so glad I was!

Today was the day I fit into 8's.  EIGHTS!

(of course I bought them!!!)

Some might not think that is a very big accomplishment.  Let me be frank.  I have not worn a size eight since I was in high school (FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!)

Fourteen years people.  Fourteen years...that's almost 1/2 my life ago!

(I may, or may not, be tearing up even now thinking about where I have worked to be...)

I want to scream it from the roof tops...I WEAR A SIZE EIGHT!  Not because I want the attention or the recognition.  (Although, blog comments are always accepted.)  :)  I want to scream it from the roof tops because if there is even one person that can relate to those feelings I had in the closet, if there is even one person that can relate to what it feels like to be ashamed of letting yourself go....I want YOU to know it IS possible to change!

I doubted myself for a long time, don't waste time doubting yourself.  It is possible.  Is it easy?  No.  (I'll be honest!)  But it is so damn worth it!

EIGHTS PEOPLE!!!  EIGHTS!

So if you are starting back in your own closet in tears...my best advice:  take it one day at a time!  Know that it's not going to be easy, but tell yourself you are worth the hard work!  Only you can do it, only you can realize you are important enough.  Then, take it one day (or one hour) at a time.  CONSISTENCY!  That's the magic pill people.  Be consistent and do NOT let yourself make excuses!  I promise, you want to feel this amazing rush of your own "size eight."

Funny.

Want to know what's funny?

A year ago I was almost at the EXACT same point I am now.  I think I'm going to have a race with myself and beat out last year's Alisha...

In other news.

Some have emailed me asking specifically what I've been doing.  Let me lay out the last month or so (you know, from when I got RE-serious.)

July 2nd I started the 10K Runner app.  It literally takes you from the couch (or doing nothing) to running a 5K in 8 weeks, and a 10K in 14 weeks.

When I started on July 2nd the app had me run 1 minute, walk 1.5 minutes (rinse and repeat 6 times).

IT SUCKED!  I wanted to die.  I made the mistake of looking ahead in the app and wondered how in the hell I was ever going to be able to run 20 min non-stop....let alone a full 5K or 10K!

My legs hurt.  My chest hurt.  My knees hurt.  My head kept trying to talk me out of finishing the running intervals.

But.  BUT.  I made a commitment when I bought this app that I was going to be a good student.  And a good student I know how to be!  I decided no matter how slow I had to run the running intervals, I would not stop until the app told me to walk.  And believe me, there were days I was doing the fat-man shuffle.  (You know the one, where people are walking faster than you are shuffle-running.)

Sadly, I didn't keep track of my pace that first week.  I did however start tracking it the second week.  (So I can only imagine how slow the first week was!)  July 9th was the first day I recorded my pace...a pathetically SLOW 15:44 minute/mile.

I would literally have to talk myself through my runs.  (Yes, out loud!)  My kids heard me on the treadmill saying, "Come on Alisha.  You are not a quitter.  You can finish this.  DO NOT STOP RUNNING."

And you know what?  I didn't quit.  Not once have I shorted one of the run intervals!  Not once.  (Mainly, because I know if I let myself quit once...I will let myself do it again.)

Over the last month I have watched my endurance grow.  I have been scared at the beginning of a week when I've seen the runs planned.  But each time, I just put my head down and think "You will be SO PROUD of yourself when you are done."  And each time I finish, that is exactly how I feel!

Yesterday I ran a 10:24 min/mile.  I have shaved over 5 minutes off my pace!  I am right on track with the program to finish my 5K on August 25th.

So, here's the fun part.  Over this same amount of time, I checked to see what my weight did...
I started on July 3rd at 184.9.
Yesterday (August 15th) I was at 172.6.

That is 12.3 POUNDS in 7 weeks.  Not too shabby.

I'd love it if in another 7 weeks (when I am about ready to run a 10K) I am down another 12.3 pounds...that would put me almost in the 150's!

Week to week has been hard.  I'm not going to lie.  There have been times I've questioned if what I'm doing even is making a difference!  There have been moments I've been ticked off at my scale.  Moments I've felt like throwing in the towel because IT IS easier to just sit on the couch, it IS easier to mindlessly stuff my face of food.  But I think where I'd be if I had given into those fat girl thoughts!  If I had not held myself accountable over the last 7 weeks, I know I'd be in the 180's...maybe even higher!

Weight loss is not tricky people.

Yes, it's frustrating.  It's HARD!  Damn hard!  It's exhausting.  But it is not tricky.

Sure, some weeks you don't lose what you hope to lose.  But eventually your work pays off if you just keep swimming!  (Can I get an amen?)

No, really.  It takes a lot of effort to make smart food choices.  It takes a lot of determination to "close the kitchen" when the meals are done.  It takes determination to get up and move.

Those are the secrets.  If you really want to lose weight...if you really want to get healthy in your life...you have to hold yourself accountable.  No one else can do it for you.  No one can make you go for a walk/run, no one can stop you from eating crappy food.  No one can limit your portions.

Only you can do it.

And I know you can.  If I can do this, I know every single person reading this can!

Hold yourself accountable.  DO NOT LET YOURSELF MAKE EXCUSES!

Excuses are for sissys!

Where do you want to be in 7 weeks?  If you can look in the mirror and truly be happy with where you are at now, fantastic!  But chances are, if you are reading this, there is something you would like to change.  So step on that scale, take those measurements.  Decide to hold yourself accountable for the next 7 weeks.  Dare to think that you too could see some great results if you put in a little extra effort each day!

You deserve it!  Every single person deserves to feel the amazing power our bodies have within them.  Find the strength to make today the day you start becoming a better you!

Weight.

I may or may not have bribed my husband to give me back my scales.  And by bribed, I mean bribed.  :)

I've been more scale responsible though.  I'm not obsessing when I don't see a 10lb drop in one day.  Because really, who expects that?  (Okay, maybe I didn't expect that much...but I did find myself hoping for 2 or 3lbs per day and that just DOES NOT HAPPEN people!)

I asked for the scales back because I'm starting a weight loss competition.  I'm kind of excited.  It's based off weight loss % and the winner each week gets $20 and at the end of 8 weeks the overall winner gets the pot of money (should be a few hundred dollars!)

I also am apart of Mama Laughlins Facebook group where we are having weekly weigh-ins (aiming to lose collectively the weight of a mini-van.)

So.  Without further ado.  Today's weight was 172.6.

I am SO STINKING CLOSE to the 160's it is not even funny!!!

And I will be busting my rear to get there by that 28th of August....I think that's doable!  :)

As far as my relationship with my scale...don't expect more than a weekly weigh-in from me.  The scale varies too much to let my emotions ride on it day-to-day.  I want to reflect each week on where I was 7 days prior...that will give me a true reflection on the work I've done.

You should do the same.  Hold yourself accountable.  Now, go make today sweat-tastic.

Officially official

I am running for Reggie on the 25th.

Now hopefully I'll be able to do just that.....run the entire thing.

Does running ever intimidate you?

It does me.

I mean, once I'm in the run I'm usually fine.

But thinking about distances scares me.

I'll be driving in my car and realize how far 3 miles is (or 13 or <gasp> 26!).

Then I want to puke.

I mean really.  Puke.

Which is weird.

I mean, I've finished a marathon.

Granted, I did NOT run the entire thing.

I know I ran the first 10 or so miles straight...then it was on and off from there, finishing at some ridiculous time.

But something about the idea of RUNNING NON STOP for THAT long scares the pee out of me.

I keep telling myself to take it a week at a time, follow the program that has been working so well.

But really?  Will it ever NOT be intimidating?

Will I ever be like:  

"Oh.  13.1 miles...I got this."  

or "26.2, watch me bust it out."

Just thinking about running for that many miles straight almost gives me an ulcer.

Feeling GREAT!

Just got my run in for the morning and I am EXCITED!  Today was my first no walking run.  (Of course I still had my 5 minute warm up and cool down)

So I decided to mark when I began running after my warm up and mark where I was once the cool down started so I could get an accurate pace.

Dun dun dun....

10:48 min/mile on my treadmill (remember, I run faster outside...)

10:48

TEN FORTY-EIGHT!

Yeah.  I'm pumped!

Oh.  And in other news...

Yesterday a friend of mine that reads this blog mentioned a 5K that was happening on the 25th.  (You know, the date I was going to calculate my own path...)  THANK YOU LISA!!!!

So, on the 25th I will be Running for Reggie.  I am SOOOO excited!  :) :) :)

Push it. Push it real good!

Today, I pushed myself.

(it's noon and I've already burned over 1200 calories...)

A month ago I would have never been able to do what I did today. A month ago I could barely run 1.5 minutes!

Fast forward today:

My day started with an hour of Zumba at The Warehouse (burned 633 calories)

Then I came home. I got a quick breakfast shake and jumped on the treadmill for my C25K (10k runner) app. I finished week 6 day 3. What does that mean?

It means I ran for 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT! Followed by a 3 min walk and another 5 min run! (burned 440 calories!)

You think that would be enough for a sane person, right? Well I'm carazay! I then finished day 5 of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. (burning about 226 calories in 20 min.)

I'm beat.

But I feel so good!

A month ago all I could do was survive the running app. About 1/2 way trough July I added in Zumba classes. And this past week I've added 30 Day Shred. I can feel myself getting stronger!

Mostly, I'm determined to get healthy!

How are you going to burn some extra calories this weekend? Push yourself...you won't regret it. In fact, your body will thank you!

Wouldn't it be nice

If I saw that number on my scale in 5 weeks I'd probably pee my pants out of excitement!

Also, today I noticed a little space between my legs. No, it's not much. In fact, you have to look pretty close...but it's there, I SWEAR!

Cravings

Does your body have cravings?  No, not the food ones.  I'm talking about exercise cravings...

I have noticed over the last 2 weeks that I become super anxious on days that I don't get enough exercise!  Sundays are usually my "off" days.  Sometimes I'll go for a leisurely walk, sometimes I won't.  Usually I find myself getting a little "crabby" (to put it nicely).  I wasn't able to pin point the reason until just recently.

Even yesterday I had a very short fuse until I found my way onto my treadmill.  I'm realizing there are so many other benefits to working out that I had been missing for so long!

Seriously, my body literally screams at me to push it a little harder.
Then, it thanks me with all it's sore muscles.

Push yourself today a little more than you did yesterday...I promise you won't regret it!

My plan:  Complete Jillian Michaels 30 day shred (day 3) AND I get to Zumba tonight...can't wait!  :)

Intimidated

I, Alisha, am a little intimidated.

That's a lie.

I, Alisha, am ridiculously intimidated!!

Monday, I ran (as usual) (increasing my distance and endurance).  I felt good.  My legs felt strong, my breathing was equal and steady.  I was strong.

Today, Wednesday, I also ran.  I did not feel as good.  My legs were sore.  My chest was tight (stupid cold!).  My head was out of it.  But I ran it.

You might be wondering where I'm at in my training?

This week is my week 6 in the C25K (or 10K runner) app.  That means that today I did my 5 min warm up walk.  I then began running.  I ran at 5.7 for 10 minutes.  I then walked at 3.9 for 3 minutes.  I ended with another 10 minute run that started at 5.6 and by the end I was struggling and ended at 5.4.  (Ended with a 5 min cool down)

(Yes, I ran on the treadmill the whole time.)  (Yes, I prefer running outside and can't wait for the kids to be in school next week!!!)

So, that run takes me to Friday.  Friday I will basically be running the same amount of time, only I'll go 15 minutes for one run, then a 3 min walk, then finish with a 5 min run.

This week I know I can finish.

It is next week that scares the pee out of me.  I haven't run 20 and 25 min straight since I ran/walked the marathon YEARS ago.

I realized as I ran today that I am almost 2 weeks out from my 5K.  My stomach did a flip.  I am excited to prove to my head that my body can do this.  But I'm intimidated too.

(I realize that might sound silly to all you professional runners...5K, pshhh it's only 3.1 miles.)
(I'm not professional though.  I'm still learning to be a runner.  And I don't want to die.)
(Actually, dying wouldn't be as bad as stopping to walk....)
(I am afraid I'll give into my stupid head.  I'm doing this to train myself to NOT WALK AT ALL during my races.)

Yes.  I'm intimidated.

*side note...what did you have for breakfast? I had this delicious concoction:

Weekend plans

How do you plan to work exercise into your weekend plans?

Me?

Well, we have a huge project (3 years in the making).  We are FINALLY doing our backyard!!  The cement was laid earlier this week for a little patio, the trenches were dug yesterday.  (For the most part.  Tip:  ALWAYS double check your trench lines and make sure they are all dug before returning the equipment you rented...you're welcome!)

Today is the labor intensive sprinkler system in 100+ degree weather.

We started bright and early...8am.  That is when we noticed that a couple of the trenches were missed when we rented the amazing trenching machine.  CRAP.  That meant 3 hours of labor intensive digging in rock solid ground for me.  (Jason already had massive blisters yesterday so I OFFERED....although, I hope some of our neighbors were watching as I was dripping with sweat, shovel in my hand and he was standing there watching.  hehehehe)

Hopefully by the end of the day we can make mud with our new sprinklers....because now that we've been back and forth to Lowe's 1,783,642 times today we are broke....so dirt it will be for a while.  (Apparently I underestimated costs on this one...don't blame me, this is our first time!)

One day I'll have luscious green grass...one day.

And back to working in exercise...don't think installing sprinklers isn't a workout...I burned 809 calories in just 3 hours this morning digging and digging and digging.  (The blisters on my hands are making me pay now...)

Confidence

(Rather than boring you with a soapbox post with no pictures, I decided to randomly scatter pics of me and my family throughout the post.  Some who know me already will think it's boring, but with all the new readers, this will give you a chance to get to know my little family...)

Somewhere along this journey of life there comes a point where things change a little.  (At least it did for me.)

I've watched my girls as they grow.  I've watched them exhibit confidence (sometimes even cockiness).  You know how some parents teach their kids to be modest in their self confidence?  I have taken a different route.  Instead, I let them portray their extra confidence now...while they have lots to spare!  You see, growing up is hard.  Add to that, being a girl!

(My oldest...who happened to fracture her arm this week.)

I have watched my oldest as she has grown.  As a child, she had no shame.  She wasn't shy of herself around us.  She was sure of who she was.  As her parent, I would constantly build her self-esteem.  You see, I knew not too far into the future she would need all the built up confidence she could get.

I thought of it like a bank.  No, she didn't necessarily need me telling her how beautiful she was, how smart she was, how kind she was....she was already pretty sure of herself.  However, I knew there would be a day when the tide switched.  I knew there would be a time when she would need to start withdrawing those compliments, those self-esteem boosts, because the world would start wearing on her.  I just prayed I was giving her enough of a "savings account" to stay ahead of what was to come.

Slowly, I've watched my almost 8 year old become more aware of her appearance.  I've watched her be more hesitant in what she wears, I've heard her make comments about herself that break my heart.  With each moment that happens, I try to cushion her with 100 others where she can feel good about herself.

Because really, isn't that what we all are after?  Confidence in ourselves!

(My youngest, finding the confidence to FINALLY stand on his own.)

I know there was a point where I was very self-confident.  However, over the years the confidence has not always been where I want it for my children when they are my age.  Sure, some say having extra weight weighs down a persons confidence.  Some say by losing weight, you can gain confidence again.  But shouldn't confidence be about more than weight....more than what we look like?

What I'm trying to get at is I'm still Alisha.  I was Alisha when I weighed 233 pounds.  I am Alisha now at 175 pounds.  Why is it I sold myself short at 233 pounds?  Why is it that I told myself I wasn't "enough" when in fact, I'm still me?

I found myself doing it again this last week....'oh, when I lose 30 more pounds...then, THEN I will be confident and be who I want to be.'

WHAT A CROCK!

Seriously.  Confidence and self-assurance is something you can develop whether you weigh 50 pounds or 350 pounds or 1050 pounds.  Weight does not define us.  It is not who we are.  I am me.  You are you.  What surrounds us physically does not define us.  The great news is YOU can define yourself.

 (My middle child, who is definitely not afraid to be who she knows she is...)

Sure, some might look for excuses as to why they aren't happy.  Some might blame their unhappiness on weight, others might use an excuse of a bad relationship or a failed marriage.  Maybe you are saying you aren't happy because you don't have a good job, or you don't have many friends.  Maybe you are like me...maybe you had a traumatic experience happen that made you shut down for many years.  Maybe you have let something like being sexually assaulted affect you.  What those are, are excuses.  Ultimately, happiness lies within each of us.

Our happiness is OUR OWN PERSONAL decision!

Now that's not to say that I don't feel better about myself now that I'm over 50 pounds lighter.  Sure, that's true.  I feel better when I move.  I feel better when I exercise.  PHYSICALLY I feel better.

Emotionally, I'm still working it all out.  Because like I said before...I'm still me.  I still see myself as the 233 pound girl who struggles with reaching out to friend people.  I still see myself as the 233 pound girl who is self-conscious.  No amount of weight can change what is happening emotionally....that's a whole other journey that I'm trying to take.  And no matter where you are on your own journey in this life...the emotional journey is one I strongly recommend.  Only you can help yourself.  Only you can find happiness for yourself.  Only you can hold yourself to a higher way of living.  Only you can decide it's time to start respecting YOU for who you are TODAY!

So today, that is what I'm focusing on.  Respecting myself for who I am.  I am happy, and it is not because I'm 50+ pounds lighter...it's because I have a deep love for myself.  I respect myself and the trials I have been through.  I have worked hard to move past many emotional issues that could have been enough to stop anyone.  You are only as strong as what you choose to overcome.  I choose to be stronger than my past!  Everyone has a past.  Everyone has a reason to quit.  Everyone has a reason to be down, or sad.  Trust me, I've spent too many years focusing on what happened to me when I was raped.  I spent so much time focusing on my hatred for the men that caused me so much hurt and anger.  I spent so much time hating and so much time in anger that it was only natural to hate myself.

Here's the good news...you can move past whatever is holding you back.  It's not easy.  Oh, it's so not easy!  Especially if the wounds are deep, and unhealed.  But it can be done.  I know this because I've worked so hard to overcome my own past.  I realized something very important....it wasn't the men who raped me that were causing me pain.  Sure, in the moment...it was all them!  In the moment, I had no control.  I am by NO MEANS taking any responsibility for the act.  What I am taking responsibility for is how I reacted after.  I spent far too many years of my life miserable because of what happened to me.  I was allowing myself to be in a negative place because of what was done to me.

I was allowing it.

So I chose to change.  I chose to decide I was more important that my past.  It doesn't matter what your past is, it doesn't matter what baggage you are holding on to....what matters is that you are holding on to it.  And, by holding on to negative baggage it holds you back from your great potential.

(Yes, I think my family is pretty darn amazing.  Copyright Studio C Photography)

Each day is a blessing.  There truly is good in each and every day.  That's not to say that I still don't have moments of sadness.  (Everybody does, right?)  But the strides I've taken to focus on the great things in my life...rather than focusing on the negative aspects is what I've worked hard at.  I'm sure there will still be days I struggle.  I'm sure there will still be moments ahead that will affect me.  But what I know is that I have the power.  I am in control of how I let different events affect my life.  I can let them drag me down, or I can let them propel me forward into something more.

I'll chose to be propelled forward...the thought of drowning in negativity scares me.

What are you going to choose?  (Can I give you a suggestion....choose YOU, stop choosing your past.)

And, if you've made it all the way to the end of my long soap box...I will reward you a pat on the back.  :)

(Copyright, Studio C Photography)

Now excuse me while I go love on my guy....the one who has been by my side through the good and the bad!

Post run

It was only 75 degrees outside, yet i still came home and felt like puking after my run! (TMI?)

(That's right folks, I got to run outside today!!)  :)

Today I went 3.12 miles (a 5K...not long before I can RUN the WHOLE thing!)  

Total time running:  36 minutes

Making my pace...11:41min/mile!

I've shaved 4 MINUTES off my time!

Can you see the sweat dripping off my face???