Consistent, with no excuses.

Yesterday I pushed myself to finish my fuel points again.

It wasn't easy.

I wanted to stop at 1700, at 2361, at 2948.  Even at 3210.

But I didn't.  I kept going.

I can't lie to you and say it was easy.  I'm not sure what my issues are lately, but emotional is an understatement!  (And when I get emotional, I want to eat...LOTS.  And I want to sit in bed....LOTS.)

But rather than doing that, I picked myself up and tied my shoelaces up.  I went to work.  I wish I could say that solved the stuff I'm feeling right now.  It didn't.  But it probably helped.

As for eating yesterday....I give myself a B-.  I didn't fail miserably, but I also wasn't as good as I should have been!  (Hard when you have double stuffed oreos in the house!)

I haven't weighed myself for today yet...and I think I probably won't.  I am going to wait until the week is up.  It's too emotionally draining to weigh myself each day seeing the ups and downs.

So onto today, I'm gonna move it and shake it a little more!  :)  I might even try Zumba out with a neighbor....

Funny

I went back through my posts yesterday...back to the beginning.  I laughed out loud.  (Mostly in frustration.)  Yesterday my weight was almost exactly what my "starting" weight was on this blog way back last July.  Only last July, I was proud of this weight.  Yesterday I was ashamed.

So I thought about it all last night.  (As I was working out!)  Yes, it's disheartening to be BACK here.  But I need to let go of it.  I have still lost an amazing 48.6 pounds along this long journey.  I have come to realize I was foolish for putting a "deadline" on my weight.  It took me over a decade to put this weight on.  During that time I learned some terrible habits that I am still trying to break....habits that I will probably battle for the rest of my life!  I am a work in progress.  That is why I chose the blog name I did...My life IS IN progress!  I will get there because I will not quit.

So today I am celebrating all 48.6 pounds I have lost this far.  And slowly, I'll continue to add to that number day by day, inch by inch.

Last year, I learned that consistency is the key.  I will find that painful key again because I can do hard things....you just watch and see!


SIDE NOTE:  I have been using the Nike+ Fuel Band for a little less than a month (minus the week I was on the cruise.)  I love it.  It is eye opening to see how much (or little, in my case) you do during the day.  I have set a daily Fuel Points goal at 3500 for now, but I will be upping it to 4000 before the end of the week.  I wear the band everywhere I go and can track my progress on my iPhone or on the band all day long.  (I can even compete against others with the band!)

So here's my accountability for yesterday.  Yesterday, when I had no intention of hitting my goal.  Yesterday, when I wrote the blog post I was at a measly 700 fuel points.  Math question:  do you know the difference between 3500 and 700?  A LOT!

But I stayed up, late after the kids went to sleep.  I walked and walked and walked.  (I felt like a pioneer!) By 11:37pm I hit goal (23 minutes to spare...)

But I hit it...3510 with over 10,000 steps in for the day.  Now to keep movin for today (I have 14 fuel points as of right now)...

Feelings

So I have a lot of feelings running through my head.

Most of them start with embarrassed and end with humiliated.

You see I have really been stupid.

I have worked hard and as of late I have just plain old given up.

I might as well have thrown in the towel.

Yep.

Humiliated just about covers it.

I mean, really!  Who loses like 70 pounds so they can stand up, clear their throat and whisper...I've gained back almost 30 of it.

Seriously.

I wasn't even going to post that.  Truthfully, I was going to make the blog private to talk about this.  THAT is how embarrassing it is to own up to this.  It makes me mad.  I makes me want to cry.  It even makes me want to give up and scarf down the cookies in my pantry.

I was ridiculously embarrassed when I had gained 12 pounds...then 15...then 17.  Now I don't even want to face myself let alone anyone who MIGHT happen to read this.

Yes, I could justify the big gains with school, husband gone all the time, going on a cruise.

But really...they are all excuses.  If I'm being honest...and honest is what I need to be...then the truth is I have been making some really sucky decisions lately.  I'm tempted to start WW again...but it costs a lot of moolah, and I don't feel it's something I can budget in right now.  ($50/month)

So this is on me.  On my shoulders.  I have to go back to why I did this to begin with.  I have to refocus on setting a better example...because lately I've been doing a pretty terrible job.

I am done living in the past.  Yes, I was down in the 150's for a 1/2 second.  I was in the 160's even longer!!  Now I'm not.  Now I'm back in the 180's GASP.  I think the world might end now that I've said that out loud.  (Seriously, you have no idea how terribly hard it is for me to admit I've gained THAT MUCH back!)  (And it's not even the low 180's....we're talking mid to high 80's!  We're talking stand on the scale with tears in my eyes asking myself why, why, WHY!?

I mean really....who does that?  Who just throws their hands in the air and turns their back to the scale.....pretending it doesn't exist?

I did.

But not anymore.

I figure I can either start playing the game of hardball ....or I have to be okay with being fat.

I will NEVER be okay with being fat.

The fat girl inside of me tries to trick me when I'm most vulnerable though.  She tells me, "It's not all that bad...really, it's only a few pounds here and a few there."

SHE LIES!

Having excess weight is terrible.  Sure, for vain reasons.  But right now Alisha...right this second remember the difference you are feeling in your breathing.  Remember how awful it feels to walk into your closet knowing all your clothes USED to fit.  Now, I search for baggy....unfortunately, sweatshirts don't really fly when it's like 100 degrees outside!

So yes.  That girl lies to you to make herself feel better.  You do not want her to feel better.  You should not feel good at all about where you are.  Take where you are right now and make it better tomorrow...and next week.  Figure this crap out.

Today.  I am back.  I am not quitting.  I am not quitting on myself.  Not today, not ever.  This may take me a lot longer that I had originally planned, but I will not quit on myself.  I wasn't raised a quitter, I'm not raising quitters, and I'm surely not a quitter!

Today.  I am back.  Watch out.