Oh boy

As much as I was sabotaging myself earlier, now I've apparently made up for it.  The scale and I are friends again!  So much so that I actually saw a number I haven't seen in I DON"T KNOW HOW LONG!

159...

I had to blink.  Twice.  Then I had to step off, zero out the scale.  And then I stepped back on.  (and I repeated this pattern probably 5 times.)

(and if you think I'm joking, I'm not.)

Sabotage.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Really?  Why?!

I get almost to a new place that I'm so excited about.......ALMOST.  Then I self sabotage with cookies, and ice cream, and donuts, and cheesecake.

Why?

I could just smack myself I am so angry!

I was inches...INCHES away from being considered a healthy weight at my weekly weigh in.  You think that would make me more careful!  You think that would make me work harder!  Especially with how freaking long it's taken these 10 pounds to fall off!

But no.  I'm an idiot human.

A very frustrated human that regrets turning to food the last few days.  Now I've got to bust my rear end and try and salvage this week.....

 

Compliment

I recently bumped into an old friend. I smiled at her but she didn't say hi like I would have expected. So, I went over and approached her.

It was only then I realized why she had ignored me.

She instantly said "oh my! Alisha I didn't even recognize you! You are so small!!"

I laughed and didn't think much else of it.

Until yesterday that is.

This time thankfully the person recognized me because I didn't even see him or his wife. He told me he would have never recognized me if he hadn't seen my recent picture on Facebook.

The point of this? I think I should take those as compliments, right? I guess I still think of myself as looking the same to people. I guess I had no idea what effect weight has on how a person looks...

What does it look like?

I made it to weigh in today at WW after all.  

And can I say, I am SO GLAD I DID!!

Today I hit another couple milestones.

First:  I hit my 2nd 10% on WW.

Second:  I have now lost over 70 pounds since my biggest!  SEVENTY!

I weighed in at 162.8

That is 2.8 away from "healthy"! 

So, to give you an idea of what SEVENTY POUNDS looks like, I give you:

That's right, a baby polar bear weighs about 70 pounds!

Or..

How about a fireplace?  Wanna strap that to your back and load that around with you all day every day?

No?  Okay, well how about this one...

That's right!  A Florida Panther weighs approximately 70 pounds!

Or...some might say I've been just full of hot air:

A large tank of helium = 70 pounds

How about this friendly bird:

I have lost more than this bird weighs.

Guess how much this scooter weighs...

70 pounds!

Lastly:

A 10 year old girl weighs on average 70 pounds.

I freaking lost a 10 year old girl!

SEVENTY POUNDS!

Stay tuned...next week I'll be setting my "lifetime" goal with weigh watchers.  

I still have a hard time believing it is me, that I accomplished this.

I tend to talk it down sometimes.  

I tend to brush off the compliments.

That is, until I have a jaw dropping moment when I hit a milestone like this!

70 FREAKING POUNDS!

And really...the 150's right around the corner.

Can that be?

My husband won't even know who I am...he has NEVER seen me in the 150's.

Oh boy.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself.

Is this real?  Am I dreaming?

Pluggin in.

Right now our family is on a bit of a roller coaster with some things happening with my son.  Don't really want to go into too much detail on this blog (since it's public) (and since I detailed it fully on our family blog).

The reason I mention it is because typically when I'm on a roller coaster like this, I throw caution in the wind and get careless with my eating.  I'm not going to lie, it might have happened yesterday.  I might have ignored all that I've learned to this point.  I'm not sure the scale damage it did.  I would say that I'll find out tomorrow, but I might have to miss my weekly WW weigh in.

The thing I have learned is that life happens.  And through life, we have to live.  So I might have turned to food last night for a bit of comfort.  But today my head is on straight again.  I post this to acknowledge that I am not perfect along this journey.  And I don't expect to become that way.  I make mistakes with life, with food, with people all the time.  The important thing I take from it all is learning from those moments so I can become a better person along the way.

So here's to the roller coaster we call life...CHEERS!

Weekly Weigh In

165.4!
(Down 1.8 pounds)

(I'm 1.4 pounds away from my official WW 2nd 10%, going to hit that next week!)

And I have decided on my WW Goal Weight.  (Which, mind you, is different from my actual FINAL goal weight....I'll blog more about that tomorrow.)

Tips of the trade

*Note:  I do not claim to be any sort of expert on this thing called weight loss.  I just share my own thoughts...

So I have been thinking a lot about what changed with me this time around.  You know, because in the past I suffered from the "I don't give a damn" illness and the "I'm too fat to bother" syndrome.

What changed?  Me, I guess.

I finally stopped eating my own excuses.

(That, and I stopped eating some other stuff too...you know, like ice cream and cookie dough and cheesecake.)

But mostly, it was the excuses.

You see, I figured out that only I could put my foot down and say ENOUGH ALREADY!

So I guess my light bulb moment was that it was up to me.  No one could do it for me.  No one could motivate me.  No trip, no outfit, no swimming suit.  I had to dig deep, put on my big girl panties (that are now my not-so-big girl panties).

It was hard at first.  There was a lot of self-talk.  I'd say:  "Self, if you give in today...you will give in tomorrow" or "Self, get up and go exercise before you dump your butt into the couch for the night or you KNOW you won't be willing to get back up."

I really started hating my self talks.  But they worked.  They worked because I know myself.  I know when I'm feeding myself a line of BS.  I know when I can do better.

So to some that are looking for the magic pill, or the magic diet, or the magic whatever...sorry, you won't find that here.  I once searched for that too.  Until I realized that none of that works....EVER.  It's all about changing who you are starting from the inside out.  It's all about lifestyle changes.

SO.....here's the first change you can focus on.  (Or at least one of the first I focused on.)  Each of us knows what our food weakness is.  And when I say know.....I mean KNOW!  I know exactly what foods I over-indulge in at EVERY opportunity.  (even still!)

So I had to make a decision.  I could allow myself to continue to self-sabotage.  OR, I could take control.  I chose the control.

I looked squarely at the cheesecake and gave it my "swear finger" and walked away.

You see, if you say no in the grocery store...you only have to be strong ONCE.  If you give in at the grocery store, you are going to have an ongoing battle with your food weakness when you get home.  Make it easy on yourself.  Just say no at the store.  Once is enough!  I know I am not strong enough to say no over and over and over and over to.  Are you?

So why should you even bother?  BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!  You are.  No matter where you are.  No matter what you weigh.  No matter how many times you've 'started over.'  No matter how long you have tried to lose weight.  No matter how many 'diets' you've tried.  No matter how many things haven't worked for you.  No matter how many times you've said 'THIS time will be different'.  No matter if you believe you are worth it or not.  Because I believe it.

I KNOW YOU ARE WORTH IT.  

Just because

Saturday night was date night. It's been a long time since I got all decked out and done up for my hubby. So, I figured Saturday should be the day I do.




It was one of the first times in this process that I can say my self esteem started coming back. I have never had the most self esteem, and over the last 10 years I lost a LOT of it. But I hope as I continue this journey it will slowly continue coming back.

Future

Here's what I know for certain.  Nothing is for certain.  But, I've learned to plan anyway.

And because I have a lot of stress in my life right now...(A LOT)...I need an out.

So I'm turning back to running. 

I found a great training plan that will keep me focused during all the craziness of life.

So come March 31st, you will find me here:

Running my guts out.

This marathon, I have a specific time I want to hit. 

This marathon, I know what to expect and I know I can make it!

This marathon, I am going to be dedicated in my training.

This year I have 3 marathons I want to hit (and a few other races in there too). 

So look out....and watch me run!

Shopping.

I faced my anxiety. My hubby took me shopping. It's amazing the difference a pair of jeans that fit makes!

I will say that I was close to hyperventilating though. As I grabbed the "10's" and was about to put them on, I was scared. I haven't been in 10's in more than 10 years!!




But they fit. Comfortably too. With a very, very minimal muffin to go along with them.

10 years! Ten years and I'm finally down to a 10 again! Can you believe that the next size = single digits!? Who woulda thunk it...

Stir what?

Stir fry!! That is what we had for dinner the other night.






I forgot to snap a picture before! What can I say...I was hungry and it smelt so good!!

We added some chicken, fresh green beans, broccoli, zucchini, carrots, garlic, and soy sauce. Surprisingly, even the kids loved it. It was easy and only 5 WW points! (We did add some garlic bread too...)

Sadly, this was our first time making stir fry...but I can promise it won't be the last!!

Weekly Weigh In

Weight Watchers was great today!  Why, you might be asking??

1. My center is switching over to the monthly pass (that includes e-tools) which is AWESOME!
2. My hubby's work is now paying for me to go! 
3. I was down 2.0 pounds!

Yes, today was a great day at WW.  I am now down 35.2 pounds from when I started WW in May.  I'm down 54.8 from when I had Con Man.  AND....I'm down a WHOPPING 65.8 pounds from my biggest in 2010!  

I feel good.  Every pair of pants that I own are now officially too big.  (Too big, as in my butt is saggy...and I can slide them on and off with out undoing buttons.  AND...most of them just slide off by body with every step I take.)   

Yes.  I think it's time to go shopping for new clothes.  

But I'm afraid!

I'm afraid because I have too many memories of going pant shopping and leaving frustrated, or in tears.  I have always HATED trying to find pants that fit!  Even now, after all the weight I have lost, I'm still worried.  I get self conscious.  I don't want the "muffin top" but I don't want the "saggy butt" look either.  I have never found a great pair of pants that fit me just right.  And it gives me anxiety to think I might have to go searching for some.  

(Anxiety for 3 reasons...1.  what I said above.  2.  $$$  3. I am style STUPID!)  

I've addressed my worry and anxiety about clothes fitting right....

As for the $$$...

Who knew losing all this weight would be so expensive for a whole new wardrobe!  I guess I have postponed the inevitable long enough, I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet.  I am just finding it hard to justify buying myself clothes when there are so many other needs in our household.  After I had kids, my wardrobe shopping became nonexistent because I have never looked at it as a need.  I've always just made do with what I had.  I'm having a hard time doing that now that I can't keep any of my clothes up.  Maybe I'll invest in lots of belts and just synch my pants up...

That brings me to #3.  Fashion sense.

Yes, I am style stupid!  I see so many women wearing the cutest clothes.  It was something I dreamed one day I could do...you know, one day when I lost a bunch of weight.  Well, now I have lost a bunch of weight, but I haven't gained fashion sense!  My hubby teases me about some of the clothes I have in my closet...asking what generation I was born in.  (He thinks some of my sweaters are a little grandma-ish.)  I would love to dress hip and stylish.  I just don't know how!  I don't even know where to begin.  I go to a store, with money in hand...determined to find a cute new outfit.  I leave with clothes for the kids because I couldn't find anything for me.  What's a girl to do?!  Seriously!

I am in desperate need of a wardrobe 101 makeover...I need to be taught.  Maybe I'll try again this weekend.  Or maybe, I'll just invest in those belts to synch up what I already have...

Snail

Man I feel like I've been losing weight at a snail's pace!  IRRITATING!

I know why too, I just haven't been able to do much about it.

Why, you might ask?

I haven't been exercising.  DUH!  But, I've still been sticking with my WW and that's been my only saving grace!  I think I will be down tomorrow...at least my scale finally showed me down today!  (Seriously, it feels like I've been in the same spot for a month!!)

(But it could be worse...I could be going up....GASP!)

I recognize this is a LIFE CHANGE!  That is what it has become for me.  (And for my family!)  The kids are seeing healthier dinners (most of the time).  Tata has a healthier lunch packed for school.  I am determined to do all I can to break the fat-cycle and keep them healthy!!

So, I will keep focusing on the food...and I am planning to add in my exercise.

Actually, I have BIG plans.  (I'll share later...)  But it all starts with a plan....right?

Now please excuse me, I have to set my plan into action!  :)

P.S.  What's for dinner at your house tonight??  Mine?  I'm trying out a new potato soup recipe, I'll let you know how it goes...but it smells delish already!