New challenges.

Husband home = new challenges.

Ugh.

I haven't been as careful.

My scale is punishing me for it.

But, it's okay.

I realize I am running, no sprinting toward my ultimate goal.  But ultimately, what I need to remind myself of is this isn't a race...it's a lifelong journey.  That means I need to stop waiting to get to my final weight.  Instead, I need to find acceptance to be where I'm at.

(And where I'm at now is a place I haven't been in YEARS!)

I realized a couple days ago just how long it's been since I've been in the 160's!  I looked at an old drivers license.  I couldn't remember the weight I listed, BUT...I did remember that when I gave them my weight it was 100% truthful!  (I know, shocker...right?)  So I checked out the weight...165.  It has literally been a decade, and now I am just a measly 4 pounds away from that!  (Give or take...)

What that also means is that my husband has never seen me smaller than I am at this point.  (And I don't feel small right now people!)

I've got a great post planned for tomorrow if I can round up what I need...so watch for it, it will be a real eye opener!  :)

W.I.D.T.H.

Are you familiar with Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit?  He does a great weekly post about W.I.D.T.H.  (I was featured on it this morning.)  :)  You should check out his blog, it's quite entertaining!

Also, remember how I've been anxiously waiting to see the 60's?  This morning my scale showed 169.5!  It won't be my official weigh in until Thursday, but I can tell it's going to be a good week!

Also, remember how my husband has been M.I.A. all summer?  Well he's back, for 12 whole days!  (That's more than he's been home in 3 months!)  So you might wonder how I'm going to reward myself (because let's face it, I deserve a reward!).

SPIN CLASS!!!!

(and it was fantastic!)

Goal weight.

Some have asked what my goal weight is.

Truthfully, I don't know.

I know what my healthy range is...
I know what I looked like when I was in high school... (11 years ago!)

But I don't know what I want my final goal weight to be.

I guess it's more of how I feel.  I don't feel like I want to shoot for a number.  I don't want to be disappointed in a number.  I want to keep loosing until I feel good in my skin.

Up above I set my "ticker" to show 160 as my goal weight.  That is the weight when I am officially no longer "over-weight" or "obese" or "morbidly obese."  (You know I started at the "morbidly obese.")  At 160 I will officially be a healthy weight.

Is 160 my destination?

No, definitely not.  I know I have more than 11 pounds still to loose.  But 160 will be an accomplishment. 160, I will have dropped my BMI into my healthy range for my height.  So that is the reason I have 160 as my ticker weight.  No, not because it's my final destination.  Most definitely not.

Do it anyway.

I didn't want to weigh in today.  But I did it anyway.

I wanted to wait until Saturday, give myself a few extra days to get a lower number.

But, I knew if I gave into my excuses...I'd do it every time.  I realized that maybe the number wouldn't be what I wanted today, but at least I was being consistent and holding myself accountable.

I was in fact down.  (Barely.)  But I worked hard to shed those 3+ pounds I gained in the beginning of the week.  Today I was at 171.4.

Still dancing around the 70's.

I'm sick of the 70's!

But I'm thankful I was down the 0.6 after the week I've had.

Truthfully, I'm thankful I'm down the 31 pounds I am after the summer I have had!  It's been hard.  Probably the hardest summer I've had.  It's been stressful, it's been emotional, it's been exhausting, it's been lonely.  All of those reasons in the past were reasons I would give up.  All of those reasons were reasons I would put off my weight loss.

But I'm done making excuses!  I'm done with not being the person I have the potential to be.  Life is too short to put anything off, even for a day.

20/20

The number on the scale is getting better.  It's still not great, and it's not back to where I was...but it could be by tomorrow!

You know how they say hind-sight is 20/20?  Well, it is!  The food I snacked on and ate, the food that caused my number to jump...it wasn't even THAT good!  In the moment it was, but that was just for the moment.

What I need to remember is that no food tastes as good as thin feels!!!

My scale hates me.

Don't worry I hate him too!

He thinks playing tricks on me is funny.  He thinks it's amusing to go up, not down.

It's all HIS fault!

Because it couldn't be my fault, right?  It couldn't be that I have been emotionally eating for the last 2 days, snacking on everything in sight, right?  It couldn't be that I haven't exercised in 5 days, right?  It couldn't be that I have stopped counting points, right?  And it definitely couldn't be that I keep stuffing my face with anything sweet in sight, right?

No, most certainly not.

This is NOT my fault.

In any case, I'm going to make him pay for playing these tricks on me!  You just wait and see, Mr. Scale!  I'm going to surprise you by the time this week is through!

Little late...

I realize I'm a bit late in posting this.  Mostly because my Thursday was consumed with cleaning and making this cake...

for my husbands welcome home visit.  (Remember, he's been gone for months!?)  (Good thing cake doesn't tempt me WHAT-SO-EVER!)

I did make it to weigh-in though.  I was at 172.0  Good, not great.  And this weekend went from good, not great....to bad, and even worse!  I haven't stepped on the scale, I'm afraid.  I will need to, tomorrow morning???

I'm SO close to seeing a new number.  After meeting Thursday I planned to reach that infamous 60's this week.  Now, I'd like to just not see a gain!

Still plugging along.

I'm still plugging along.  I feel like I've been dreaming about the 60's for far too long!  And each post I keep saying I'm closer and closer!  This morning I was within a pound...ONE POUND AWAY!  (unofficially, of course.)

Tomorrow is weigh-in, we'll see what that brings.

As for today, I'm going to keep focused!  Remember how I said I might be going boating over Labor Day?  It's official, I am!  And I really want to feel confident!  And I REALLY want to be able to ski!  I LOVE skiing, but have had a hard time in years past.  I've got issues with my hands (carpal tunnel) but I also was packing an extra ton of weight!  I'm hoping with the loss of all this weight it will take the pressure off my hands so I can have some good runs!

Oh, one more thing...I made cookies yesterday!  And I only had 1!  (Okay, maybe technically a little more because I did eat some cookie dough!)  But I had to taste the actual cookies because I was giving them to a neighbor.  I was quite impressed with my self restraint!  It's getting easier and easier each day.....

50 is nifty!

This morning, my scale showed me at 172ish.  (can't remember the ounces)

That means I am now 50 pounds lighter than I was in April!

50!  That's more than my little Monkey weighs!!!!

Now I just gotta keep on movin, maybe by Thursday I'll see that number in the 60's I'm dreaming about!

Weekend Adventures

No.  I haven't fallen off the wagon.  Quite the opposite actually!

This weekend my parents came down for a visit.  I love when they come down!  They were so much help this weekend!  From getting me a sprayer to combat my massive weeds, to helping clean my house, helping do my laundry, to fixing my dishwasher that broke!  It helped so much to finish getting things ready for the new school year!

While they were down here, I didn't exercise.  I could have.  I should have.  But I didn't.  I was lazy.  I was worried the scale would punish me.  Especially after we went out to celebrate at Red Robin on Thursday night...and we had pizza...and pie...

Ya, I was not very "good" this weekend.

But, this morning my scale liked me.  I'm down, getting closer and closer to the magical 60's!

You might be wondering why we were celebrating.  Good question!  We found out Thursday night where Mr. B's territory will be.  He was placed in Salt Lake.  This means he will be home on weekends, this means I will be able to continue and finish what I've worked so hard for...Nursing School.  We couldn't have asked for anything better considering our circumstances!

Today my chicklets are nervous.  They start school tomorrow.  I know they will love it, but it's always scary starting something new.  There are a lot of "what-ifs" to new things!  I was thinking of what they are feeling...Tata asked "What if I'm not good at 1st grade, what if I can't do it?"  Of course I reassured her over and over.  But, it made me think of myself along this weight loss journey.  I have often had the thought, "What if it's too late.  What if I can't loose the weight I so badly want to lose."  Does this sound familiar to anyone else?  If so, I will answer it the same way I answered Tata's questions.

You CAN do this.  You WILL do this.  How do I know this?  Because I know you.  I know you are smart.  You will succeed because on days when it gets hard, and you are scared you will come to me and I will hold your hand through it.  We will do this together!

And with that thought, I have decided it's time to make this private blog public.  (Kind of scary.)  This has been my safety net.  This has been the place I am free to write what I feel, very openly.  I'm not planning on changing that.  I'm not making the blog public for attention.  Instead, I wonder if there is someone out there that might need their hand held, and that can hold my hand on hard days.  This is a very personal journey, but it can only be made by having the support of others.

So, if you stumble upon my blog and you wonder if you can do it too....I will repeat my advice:

You CAN do this.  You WILL do this.  How do I know this?  Because I know you.  I know you are smart.  You will succeed because on days when it gets hard, and you are scared you will come to me and I will hold your hand through it.  We will do this together!

Thursday Thoughts

Today was my official weigh-in day.  I didn't hit the 172 like I hoped for.  But, I did hit 174.8!  That's a 2.6 LOSS for the week!

Here are my totals for the journey:
Since my highest:  58.2 pounds
Since giving birth to Con Man:  47.2 pounds
Since starting WW in May 2011:  27.6 pounds

That puts my average weekly weight loss since April 15, 2011 at 2.8 pounds.

Are you impressed?  I am.

Just call me the tortoise.  I'm slow and steady, but I AM going to win this race!

Being Careful

I've been being ridiculously careful the last couple days with my eating!  I've been pushing myself, I really wanted to hit 172 tomorrow.  Sadly, I don't think it's in the cards.

(Not even after my 2 hour work out today...)

But, I will be down.  So I need to stay positive about that!

Have I mentioned, I haven't gained in my weekly weigh-ins at all since I went back to WW?  Like, not even an ounce!  Every week I've lost...some only a few ounces, but a loss is a loss!

(Hopefully I didn't just curse myself.....)

Hi.

I'm still here.

It's been a busy week!  Lots going on around here.  Kids are just about ready to start school again...Tata will be in 1st GRADE!  (When did she get so old?)  And Monkey will be entering her 2nd year of Preschool.  They are bouncing off the walls!!

Me, well I'm just trying to stay a float.

Do you ever have those moments when you start convincing yourself you're in a weight loss slump?  I was trying to tell myself I had hit a plateau while in the shower this morning.  Um, hello!?  That couldn't be further from the truth!  But I guess the greedy side of me likes to wake up each morning and see a significant weight loss.  Frankly, that just doesn't happen.  It takes the small losses each day to add up to the grand total!

I worked out for a good hour this morning, I didn't want to.  But I did it anyway!  And, I felt good after!  I've got another hour + tonight.  I'm pushing real hard this week because I'm SO CLOSE to my 50 pounds lost after having Con Man.  I hope I see that number on the scale this week...for the record, it's 172.9.  Wish me luck!

(And guess what, if I hit that number...it would mean I'm INCHES away from the 60's...oh boy!)

Who am I?

There is so much to who I am at this point.  First and foremost, I am a mother to the 3 most incredible children ever!  My oldest, Tata, is 6 almost 7.  My middle, Monkey, is 4 soon to be 5.  My baby is Con Man.  He's almost 4 months.  (Obviously I am not sharing their names to keep them safe...)  :)

Not only am I a mother, but I am a single mama right now.  Last October, while I was violently sick with Big C, Mr. B lost his job.  (The job that moved us away from all our family and friends!)  I was working, making hardly anything, as we searched for a new job for him.  7 LONG months went by with nothing!  Finally he got an interview, and eventually a job offer.  He is now working for Michelin Tires, and is back in training in South Carolina.  After training, he will be placed somewhere in the greater 48 states.  We literally have no clue where he will be yet...we should find out in less than a week.

So you might be wondering how long this has been going on??  Since June.  I had Big C in April.  That meant Mr. B had a whole month and a half to spend with us before leaving.

It's been rough.

If that were the end of the story, that would be hard enough...right?  Well, it's not.

Instead of meeting up with Mr. B in some random city when he's done with training...the kids and I are going to be staying put.  I am entering nursing school this fall and I have 2 years of it ahead of me!  It might sound crazy to some, but it's something I have to do for me.

So technically, I am married...I just never see my husband.  And along this tough road, I've decided to make it my mission to get healthy!  (Great time to start, right?!)

But, as hard as it is...I'm making it work!  (And I'm not quitting now!)

So that's me, in a quick nut shell.  Welcome to my crazy life...

Fun.

Have I mentioned that I enjoy waking up every morning?  I get so excited.

Why, you ask?

Because my scale keeps moving down!  This morning it shows me at 174.4!!!  How cow, that's 2 pounds down since WW on Thursday morning!  (And I haven't even worked out at all, that's going to change today though...)  Wouldn't it be awesome to hit a 5 lb loss this week!?  I haven't had that big of a loss since week 1 on WW!

Truthfully, I hope to get to 172!  The reason is because then I will officially be 50 pounds lighter than I was April 15th!  And what's even cooler...the next time I weigh in officially will be just shy of 4 months from when I had my little gigantic guy!

So, I have another 2.4 pounds to shed this week...I can do it!

Another good day.

Things are progressing.  I'm feeling pretty good for the most part.  I didn't get any exercise in yesterday.  I had a busy day with getting kids all ready to go back to school.  (And getting myself ready to go back!)  I didn't even wear my pedometer.  (I can't find it!!!  I'm searching for it today!)

I thought I would share my WW weight tracker.  Here's a screen shot of it!

I have been struggling to figure out what I want to set my "Goal Weight" at.  I want to give myself a bit of wiggle room so I can maintain Lifetime.  I was given some advice to set my goal weight at the highest weight I would be comfortable seeing...during the holidays, on vacation, that time of the month...the very highest I would be okay with.  I do have a bit until I HAVE to set my goal weight.  When I set it, I have to be more than 5 pounds away and it has to be with in my healthy range.  My healthy range goes from 128-160.  I keep telling myself to stop shooting for what I weighed in high school (140ish) just incase I can't get there after having 3 kids and a decade.  But truthfully, that is where my heart is at.  I am leaning towards setting my goal weight at 152.  That would mean that on WW I would have lost 50 pounds!  And 150 is the very most I want to see on the scale.  If I set it at that weight, that means according to my scale today I have 23 pounds to go!  I can SO do this!  I am on the downward hump now...

Today I have a lot of running around and a LOT of cleaning to do!  I'm trying to get everything ready for the new school years for everyone since we are just about a week away from starting!  I realized I haven't really updated everything going on in my life as of late.  (Trust me, it's a lot!)  I'll take time later today or tomorrow to do that...

Weekly stuff

Today was weekly weigh in.  And I made it!  I was down!  Down another 2.4 to be exact!!  That takes my grand total on WW to 25 pounds!!

And, I got another award for hitting that mark!  Who knew!?  :)

Today feels good.  I'm going to keep my game up.

Quick side note.  I found a blog that features people sending in pictures with their "why" for losing weight.  I loved it!  Some of them were funny.  Others heart breaking.  It made me think about what my "why" is.  I mean obviously I want to get healthy for my kids.  And obviously there is a vain part of me that wants to look better.  But really, I want to know what the driving factor is this time.  I'm still pondering it, but when I figure it out, I'll let you know!

Letter

Dear Alisha,

Right now you have been going through a lot of changes.  Emotionally, physically, etc.  I wanted to write you a letter though to remind yourself of where you came from.  You see, if you don't remember your past...you are more likely to repeat it.

For almost a decade now you have struggled with your weight.  More specifically, with not caring about yourself.  You have let yourself become an emotional eater.  You eat when you're happy, you eat when you're sad, you eat when you're lonely, you eat when you're bored.  Because you haven't cared about you, you have lost yourself.

This journey that you have been taking is about so much more than weight.  It's about finding true confidence in yourself.  It's about finding a way to love yourself again.  You've made steps toward that in the past, but have never really gotten to the point where you feel good about you.  Because of that, you have been very insecure about people caring for you.  You have been very insecure about being "enough" for those in your life.

You have always been a people pleaser.  But now, you are staring to see the importance of taking care of yourself FIRST!

I want you to always remember what it felt like to be that awkward, uncomfortable 233 pounds!  I want you to remember the embarrassment you had.  I want you to remember how horrible it felt to go clothes shopping and have nothing fit!  I want you to remember the times when you stood in your closet looking at all your clothes and realizing you had nothing that made you feel beautiful to wear!  I want you to remember what it felt like to have to wear maternity pants before you ever got pregnant with Connor, just because you didn't fit into any of your other pants.  I want you to remember what it was like to avoid the mirrors in your home.  Or even worse, what it was like to avoid being in pictures with your loved ones because you were so ashamed of what you had let yourself become.  I want you to remember how bad it hurt when your kids told you that you had a big tummy or a big butt.  (Not because they were trying to be rude, just because they are kids...and kids are honest!)  I want you to remember how much you depended on sweatshirts, you tried to hide in them every chance you would get!  (Even in the hot summers of St. George when it was 110+ degrees!)  I want you to remember feeling worthless and alone.

That might sound cruel for me to point out all these moments.  But in order for you to appreciate this momentous journey, you have to remember where you came from!

I also want you to remember how incredible it feels to step on the scale at meeting and be down EVERY SINGLE WEEK!  I want you to remember how good it feels to exercise, and how much energy it gives you.  I want you to remember how the good foods you've started eating help to make your insides feel better...less icky.  I want you to remember how it feels to look back at an old picture of "Fat Alisha" and be able to actually see the difference...SEE the hard work paying off!  I want you to remember how it feels to be so used to wearing the same pants, until you finally realize you need to try and move down a size because they are falling off your body.  Only, instead of going down one size...you go down TWO sizes because you've lost more weight and inches than you realize!  And mostly, I want you to remember that along this journey, you are finding you again!  It doesn't happen over night.  But slowly, you are starting to love yourself again.  Keep striving for that and never, NEVER let yourself go back!

Finally, a break through.

My scale is going down again.  Finally!

It's amazing how that works...
when you don't track what you're eating and you don't exercise, the scale goes up!
when you track what you eat and you DO exercise, the scale goes down.

It's MAGIC, I'll tell ya...MAGIC!  :)

I'm not down huge amounts, but down is down!  Tomorrow is weigh in.  I'm not sure if I'll be down on their scale or not.  I have yet to have an "up week" at WW, so I'm hoping I can work hard and get to where I was last week!  Tomorrow, I will let you know!

My plan for today...workout!  Lots!  I'm hoping to get 2.5 hours in at least!  Nap times are good for something!  I should probably clean my house, but that can wait...I have an important deadline!  :)

Have I mentioned...I am going on a boating trip?  Well, I probably am.  Over Labor Day.  That gives me 4 weeks to shed as much extra poundage as possible.  That means in 4 weeks...it's swimming suit time, again.

I can do it!  So my hope by then....to see the 60's!  That's pretty ambitious!  But I'd love it...even if it's just 169.9 I'd be happy!  I haven't been in the 60's since BEFORE I was married!  Wouldn't that be an awesome accomplishment!?

On a side note, I found a really cool site today.  You can make your own avatar.  It lets you put in your height, weight, build, etc.  Then it shows what you "look like."  So I input my info for before (at my biggest) my current (size now) and my after (goal weight).  Here they are side by side...

 (Sorry about the quality!)

Kinda fun to see the progress from where I was to where I'm going!

Remember Yesterday?

Remember that slump I've been in?  That really emotional, horrible slump?  You know, the one I really don't want to into details about....ya, well I'm working on kicking it's butt!

Remember this plan from yesterday?

-30 min of exercise today, no if's, and's, or but's!  DONE

-Finish playing the pity game  IN PROGRESS

-Focus on making me better  IN PROGRESS

-Focus on my kids to make me better  DONE

-Drink tons of water between now and bed  DONE

-Find something to laugh about  DONE (it was more of a giggle, but I'll take it!)

Yesterday I tried to pick up the pieces scattered every where.  I think I did fairly good.  I got up, put the pity aside long enough to get the kitchen, living room, and my bedroom all clean!  Not too shabby.  

I will say that I still haven't been watching what I eat.  That's probably the reason my scale jumped up again.  But this morning I had enough of the going up!  First thing I did when I woke up...drank a ton of water and started exercising!  I kept at it for an entire hour!  And, I am planning for more this afternoon and evening.  

I realize I may sound insane.  But working out is what I am going to use to find me again.  I'm doing it for me.  Before, I thought I was doing it for other reasons.  That's when the emotional eating set in.  But now, now I realize and remember this is for ME!!

(Now, hopefully I have time to make up for the added poundage from the last 2 days before my weigh in this week.......)

Up, up, and away

Yep, I was up this morning. (178.6)

Although, I think my scale was off before.  (I mean it, that's not an excuse!)

I did struggle yesterday with eating.  But I think I tried to reign myself in for the most part.  I sucked on the exercise end though.  I had no motivation what-so-ever to work out!

Today is turning out to be much like yesterday.  All I can do is sit.  I put a load of laundry in.  That's about it.  I know I need to get up and do more.  I know I am being ridiculous.  But I can't help myself right now.  I need to get past this...

Here's my plan:
-30 min of exercise today, no if's, and's, or but's!
-Finish playing the pity game
-Focus on making me better
-Focus on my kids to make me better
-Drink tons of water between now and bed
-Find something to laugh about

Maybe that will pull me out of this?  It's sad that something so not-weight-related is having such an effect on me wanting to lose weight.

ENOUGH.

I still have 1/2 a day today and I will make the most of it.