Not good.

Today is not good.  Not at all.

I don't really want to go into details.

Just know that it's going to take a freaking miracle for me to not resort to emotional eating today!

Happy Day

Can I just say that some days I really love my scale!  Like REALLY! 

As in 177.0 really love my scale!  :)
(At this rate, I'd love to see the low 70's soon!  Or dare I whisper...the 60's??  Sheesh, it kinda scares me to think I might get there!)

I took it pretty easy yesterday since my calves are pretty sore.  

I still worked out, but just didn't push it like crazy.

I guess that's why I was so surprised with the scale this morning!

On a side note, Jason is home for 2 days...

I'll be staying strong with my eating while he is here.  I don't want to take steps backward!

Little Things

While this might look like just another key chain to some...it's actually kind of a big deal to me!

Remember how I said I hit my 10%?  

This was my reward!!!

I weighed in today, and I not only hit the mark...but I also came home down from vacation on their scales!

My official weight today... 179.8!

I have left the 80's behind and don't have plans to go back!

So today, I'm celebrating!
I hit my 10% and got my award!
I lost 0.8 lbs while on vacation for 2 long weeks (eating out EVERY SINGLE MEAL!)
I am in the 70's for the first time in.....who knows how long!

Yes, I think I'll celebrate!
(But now how you think...the old me would celebrate with food, more specifically ICE CREAM.  The new me is ready to celebrate by fitting into my smaller sized jeans!!)

Dropping

Remember how I really, really, really, REALLY want to hit the 70's!?  Well, today I saw 179.9!  I'll take it!  :)

I can't say this enough...I can not remember the last time I saw 70's on the scale!  Honestly!  <sigh>  This just keeps getting better!

Hopefully by tomorrow morning, I will be able to see something similar on the WW scale.

Side note...I walked 16,444 steps yesterday!!  Today, my calves are burning!

Accountable

I promised accountability.  Here it is.

My scale this morning read 181.2.

That's a little bit up from before vacation.  (0.6 to be exact.)  I do feel very bloated right now, and I KNOW I haven't been getting the water in that I should.  So that's my focus today...up the water intake!

Thursday is my "official weigh in day."  I wanted to be in the next "10's" by then.  (The WW scale is what I post my actual weights on my stats page, and it won't be until Thursday that I gage where I came home from vacation at.)  I'm not sure if the 70's will happen or not.  I'm still going to bust my butt and give it everything I've got to get there!

But I am proud that I stayed below my 10% WW mark.  That means I'll be getting my award on Thursday!

I already worked out for an hour this morning, I'll be doing at least another hour tonight.  We'll see what that does for me.

On a side note...I WISH I HAD A TREADMILL!  Seriously though!

I want THIS treadmill.  The Nordictrack Elite 9500 pro.  Fully equipped with the iFit feature that I'm DYING to use!

It's so hard to get a decent work out in being "single mom" to 3 kids.  I can't take them out running with me in 100+ degree weather.  I can't keep them up until 11pm when it cools down.  I can't drag them out of bed at 5:30am to go for a walk.  I'm kinda limited.  I do have a gym membership.  And I would take the girls in a heartbeat to the day care there....but not Connor.  I guess I don't trust them with a baby-baby, and ewww...if they put him on the floor!  YUCK!

So yes!  I wish I had a treadmill.  I fully utilized the one at the hotel.  Even though I had Connor the whole time, I just strapped him on me thanks to my handy dandy Moby Wrap and it worked perfectly!

I guess I should start saving my pennies, I know they don't come cheap...

Home

I'm home! It's been 2 weeks since I've been on MY scale. I was super ghetto and went into Bed, Bath, and Beyond a few times during my stay with Jason. I also used my moms last night. But I'm never sure until I am on my own scale. I got home this evening. I weighed in 1.6 higher than my 180.6. Not bad. Especially since that is a night weigh in and I'm always higher then.

As for looking back at my time away. I did good. I wasn't perfect with eating or working out. But I feel good about the efforts. I don't feel I sacrificed things I wanted, I don't feel I over indulged, I don't feel I was a work out freak. I think I did well. And if I can drop a bit by Thursday's WW weigh in, I'd be even more thrilled!! :)

Tomorrow morning will tell me right where im at, I'm just happy it's not a +6 or something horrible like that!!

Memory Milestone

I do have to record a milestone for myself.  Usually, when my kids want to go swimming I DREAD it!  I'm talking....do the whole psych myself up for it routine!  And even then, I usually wear shorts and a shirt to cover my body.  THAT'S how uncomfortable I have been.

Well.  Thursday July 14th was a big day.  So was Sunday July 16th!  I not only went swimming, but I wore a suit that hasn't fit me in years.  Thursday I took the kids to an actual water park...Cowabunga Bay.  Sunday I was in Georgia and went to Tybee Island Beach with Jason and Connor.  (We met up with my 2 brothers and sister-in-law as well.)

AND the milestone part...I didn't wear anything over the top while I was in the water.  Not even shorts.

I can't even begin to tell you how nauseous I was about the event.  I was pretty self conscious.  I know I still have a lot to lose!  But I wanted to be proud of where I had come to this point.  I'm not going to lie, I wanted reassurance.  But did my best to suck it up and act confident.  And while I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me, wondering why I wasn't wearing something over my suit...I can bet that most didn't even take the time to notice me.

I went through my camera to see if I got a picture of myself, but I only had pictures of when I had the cover-up on.  (I did wear a cover-up on the drive to and from the pool.)

Hopefully I can have build more memories like this.  I feel like I've withheld fun activities like this from my kids because of my own insecurities.  Now, I'm trying to change it.

Days

Do you ever have those days when you just don't feel good about yourself?  You know, the days when you feel so ugly, fat, etc?

Am I the only one??

Well, I've been having those days lately.  And when I have those days, I tend to rely on others to give me the boost I need to get past the feelings.  Only, the person I rely on most is way to busy to notice.

I know I don't look good in my clothes right now.  I know I don't even have nice clothes.  I wish I did!  I wanted just one outfit that I felt amazing in...that I felt I looked like a million bucks.  You know, with the jewelry to accent how amazing I look!  The type of outfit that actually turns peoples heads and gets them to notice me again.  But I don't!  I can't even remember what it feels like to turn my husbands head, let alone someone else's!

I have pants that are too big and fall off my body with every step I take.  I have other pants that are too small still and create a big old muffin top.  I only have the shirts that I wore when I was at my biggest.  I have a few ratty t-shirts that are super dressy, you know for those nights you go out on the town and want to make a great impression!  Or my maternity shirts, I have those too and still wear some of them.

You can imagine how attractive I feel right now.

And it really doesn't help that I still look in the mirror and think "ickkk" when I see my body, especially my naked body.  I don't know that I'll ever look how I dream of looking.  I know if I can't find myself attractive, neither will anyone else.  I just don't know what to do about it!  It scares me to death that after all the hard work I'm putting in that I will still be repulsed by myself in the mirror.  It scares me even more that my husband might not ever find me actually, truthfully attractive again.  Truthfully, it makes me want to give up and quit.

I hurts so bad to be so needy.  To beg others for approval.  But it also hurts like crazy to need that and not ever receive it.  If I do get a compliment, it's usually because I hinted that I needed one...or I asked how I look.  And even at that, the response is usually, "You look fine."

I don't want to look fine.  "Fine" makes me want to tear up and cry.  (In fact, I am doing that right now!) I don't want to have the one person I care most about in life to think I look "fine."  I realize I am being kind of a baby right now.  But is it too much to ask that I look better than "fine?"  I know I probably don't to him yet, but would a white lie really kill a person?  Even if you don't believe it yet, I need to hear encouraging things and I'm just not getting them.

So I'm off for another day in South Carolina...looking "fine" (you might as well tell me I'd look better in my PJ's because that's how it makes me feel!).  I'm off in clothes that don't fit, that aren't fancy.

I guess I'm just the frumpy, homely, insecure, unfashionable housewife....

My before

I stumbled across a picture of me probably at my biggest.  I can't be for sure, because I don't really know when I hit my highest number, I just know it was spring of last year.  This picture was taken in March of 2010 at Disneyland.

YUCK!

The funny thing is that I have always liked this picture with the girls.  And I really didn't think I was "that big" until I looked at it again today.  I can sure tell a difference though!

And just to compare the two side by side...

I think there's a big difference, but maybe that's just me...

I am starting a weight loss challenge this next week with a dear friend, Sam Crowther.  It will be running from July 25th through October 31st.  The winner gets a LOT of moolah!  (probably in the area of $600!)  Jason and I are both going to join so hopefully we can win!!  :)

It got me wondering though, the challenge is going to be based off % lost.  So I wondered what my % lost to this point was.  So I calculated it....22.16%!!  

I was kinda surprised!  That seems like SO MUCH!  I remember watching "The Biggest Loser" and seeing some of those contestants never even hit that high.  I had an "atta-girl" moment!  :)  

Which...if you are wondering, I kinda needed!  Because vacation is still just as hard!  I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to come home with a weight loss....ugh.  But I have to keep at it, and start fresh every day.  I'm trying!  I even went and bought fresh sugar snap peas yesterday to munch on.  I just hope I'm doing enough to counteract my diet while I'm away!  I know if I come home up it's going to be tough mentally...I don't even want to go there!  No matter what the scale shows though, I have already decided to hold myself accountable and go weigh in at WW that first week.  I am just PRAYING I'm still under my 10%!  I REALLY want my award!  :)

  

Vacation is HARD!

It is so hard being on vacation!  Even when I had planned a plan ahead of time!  I am determined to stay strong, but it's hard not having a scale to know if my efforts are paying off!  I know I haven't gotten in the amount of water that I usually drink.  That's going to mean problems if I can't pick it up!  Food wise, I think I've done OKAY.  I've tried to make smart choices.  Somedays have been better than others.  Steps...most days I've gotten in 10,000.  I have yet to make it up to 15,000.  Today is a new day.  I will try for it...

Feelin' Good

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to log on here because I was driving most of the day.

I weighed in early yesterday (Monday), my normal weigh in days are Thursdays...so it had only been 4 days since my last weigh in.  I didn't know what to expect.

BUT.....before we left, I ran and weighed in at WW.  It was GOOD!  :)  I more than hit my 10%!!  Although, I didn't collect my key chain because that will give me something to stay good for while I am on vacation for 2 weeks!  I'm down 53 pounds from when I began this crazy journey.  And what's better...I haven't seen this number on the scale in over 6+ years.  (Truthfully I can't remember exactly when it was...sometime after I was married to when I was pregnant with Mikayla.)

HOORAY for new milestones on the scale!

Steps

For the last 2 days I've been really focusing on upping my steps taken in a day!  I have read many times that if you want to lose weight, your daily steps should be above 10,000.  I wore a pedometer earlier in the week and walked just my regular amount to see how much I usually get in.  Shockingly, only about 4,000. So Thursday and Friday of this week I really upped my game!  Thursday I ended with 14,368 and Friday I ended with 13,904.  I was happy.

I was especially happy Friday morning when I woke and saw my scale shows me down 1.5 pounds.  And this morning it shows another 1 pound.  I won't know for sure until I weigh in at WW because my scale is so unpredictable, but at least I know it's helping me head in the right direction.

And maybe, just maybe by Monday I'll hit 2 BIG milestones...my 10% AND being in the 70's for the first time since I was first married!!!

You might be wondering how I'm getting in my steps.  You know, considering it's summer in St. George so temperatures are 110+ all day until 10pm or later.  And you know, with Jason living away right now...there's a babysitter issue.  Trust me, I have thought about making that excuse.  The excuse of "well my husband is working out of town indefinitely so I can't work out right now."  Then, it occurred to me...if I let myself make that excuse, I'll find a hundred other that will work too!

So, I made due with what I have.

Wii Fit.

I've used this off and on for years.  I like it okay.  I say just "okay" because the only thing I find useful on the program is the "Advanced Stepper" program.  I really like that program, the downside:  no variety.  The "game" lasts 5 minutes.  It consists of stepping on and off a step board in sync with the game.  I basically repeat the game over and over and over and over again.  Thursday and Friday I did an hour of it in the morning, and then made myself get back on and do another hour at night.

Can I just say that I am feeling it!!  Especially in my calves!  Hopefully all the time I'm putting in pays off...

On a side note, I'll be heading out of town to visit Jason in South Carolina soon.  I pack up and leave for Salt Lake on Monday.  I'll be spending some time with family up there and dropping the girls off with grandparents.  Then Friday the 15th I will fly out and be back east for like 9 days.  Why am I documenting this?  Because I'm scared!  I can pretty much guarantee that I will be eating out almost every meal back there!  Not long ago we had a WW meeting about staying focused while on vacation, I am going to work so hard to do that!  I am planning to make smart choices, and not just let myself go.  I am holding myself accountable because I WILL come home down.  I will NOT come home the same weight, or even worse...up.

How will I do this?  I am going to stick with the steps.  While Jason is working during the days, I am planning to take Connor out and around the city.  I will not be satisfied with just 10,000 steps...because I'm on vacation, I feel I need to up my exercise to make up for unpredictable eating.  So I will be walking a minimum of 15,000 steps a day!!!  (That seems like a lot, huh?)  Well, I think it's very doable if I'm out and active...not just sitting in the hotel room.  And what happens if at the end of the day I am short?  Well, there is a treadmill at the hotel.  I will make myself get on it until I reach my daily minimum!

I think that in short sums things up.  Now, I'm off to get ready for my busy next 2 weeks.  But don't worry, I won't leave ya hanging!  I'll also be accountable to log on here and update my results...hopefully GOOD RESULTS!  :)

Fresh Starts

I think fresh starts are always refreshing.  I've been on my fresh start now for the past few months.  Now, I've decided I'd like to document my new life in progress so I have something to look back and and refer to.  Maybe a journal of sorts of my journey.

So today I will give the back story.  For years I have struggled with my weight.

YEARS!  (like my entire marriage practically.)

I really can't remember the last time I was happy with what I weighed, or happy with how I felt about myself.  I think about all the years and the memories I have sacrificed because of this issue.

I'm not saying that I haven't had wonderful memories along the way.  What I am saying is that I know how I have felt about myself and my weight has held me back on more than one occasion.

There's been many times that I've started to change.  There's also been many times that I've given up on changing.

Changing is HARD!

There are some big fears I have, but I will get into those later.  Today is just about where I am now, and what brought me to this point.

So.  My name is Alisha.  I'm a food addict.  And even more specifically, I'm a sweets addict.  Yes, it's true...I have a sweet tooth like no one's business.  Trust me people, I didn't get the size I am now (or was) by eating just veggies.

Where did I start?  Well, after high school I progressively added a few pounds each year.  I had some horrible things happen to me that led me to start becoming an emotional eater.  The birth of my 3 children added on a bit of weight.  Slowly, but surely the weight has just found a nice comfy place to reside.  And now I'm ready for it to leave, once and for all!!

There's been years that I've been healthier than others.  Shoot, I even ran a marathon.  I wasn't at a healthy weight at that point, but I was working on it.  Then I just gave up for one reason or another.  Slowly, that weight came back on.

About a year ago I wanted to make a change again.  You see, I had been having MAJOR issues with getting pregnant again.  I didn't know if it would ever happen for us again.  I needed to focus on something else.  That's when I decided to sign up for Weight Watchers.  I LOVED it!

I was seeing AWESOME success.  At this point in my life I was the largest I have EVER been (even during pregnancies).  So slowly, I calculated points and my weight started dropping.  I began that round of Weight Watchers at a whopping 233 pounds!  (gross!!)  Not long after, I had dropped a significant amount.  ALMOST my 10%, which is the first big goal for WW.  I loved the program.  I loved that I could eat what I wanted, I just had to be accountable.  That's about when I found out I was pregnant with Connor.  Eeeek!  We were excited, but I was also a bit sad.  For the first time I was seeing regular, real success.  Now, I was pregnant and no doubtedly going to add to my already heavy weight.  By my first doctor appointment, I was already up to 215 again.  So it was then that I committed to myself that I would watch my weight during my pregnancy so I could continue my weight loss journey when I was done.  It worked!  (Although, I think being RIDICULOUSLY SICK the ENTIRE pregnancy had something to do with that!)  I actually only gained 7 pounds during the pregnancy.  (It helped that I lost a lot in the beginning when I was on IV fluids and medications for extreme hyperemesis.

I delivered Connor April 15, 2011 weighing 222 pounds.  I was trying to stay under the 220 mark, but was happy that I didn't get all the way back up to my highest point!!

I knew that after I have my babies, the weight seems to just fall off me!  Especially after I have a C-Section!  So I fully expected that, and was not disappointed!  With very little effort or exercise, I was down to 202.4 lbs by my birthday.  It was at that point that I used my birthday money to re-sign up for Weight Watchers.

May 6, 2011.  I signed up and recommitted to myself.  I am determined this time is a fresh start for good!  I know the road will be full of ups and downs.  I am ready to face them head on!

Fast forward a few months (3 to be exact) and I am still going strong with the program.  The best part, I've decided (on my own) to add some exercise with the point counting.  Man, what a difference!!  That doesn't mean there aren't days and weeks that I'm frustrated, because there are!  That also doesn't mean that I haven't set goals along this fresh start that I've missed.  The only difference is that when I miss those goals....I keep going!  I can't stop.  I have too much riding on this!  I am determined to stop the cycle of over-weight for my family!  For my husband, for my children, extended family.  It finally occurred to me that I have to be the leader in this life change.  Hopefully others will follow!

So onto my official numbers as of now...As of yesterday, I am down to 183.2!!  I am ONE POUND away from my WW 10% goal!  That means that since April 15th when I had Connor, I am down 38.8 pounds...or since my highest moment a year ago, I'm down 49.8 pounds.  And right now, I weigh less than I did when I ran my marathon!

So I will be using this blog as an outlet.  To express what I'm feeling along this treacherous journey.  The happy moments, the discouraging moments.  I am excited that by the end of this journey I'll be able to read back about my progress!  (kind of like I made for my marathon!)