Not good.

Today is not good.  Not at all.

I don't really want to go into details.

Just know that it's going to take a freaking miracle for me to not resort to emotional eating today!

Happy Day

Can I just say that some days I really love my scale!  Like REALLY! 

As in 177.0 really love my scale!  :)
(At this rate, I'd love to see the low 70's soon!  Or dare I whisper...the 60's??  Sheesh, it kinda scares me to think I might get there!)

I took it pretty easy yesterday since my calves are pretty sore.  

I still worked out, but just didn't push it like crazy.

I guess that's why I was so surprised with the scale this morning!

On a side note, Jason is home for 2 days...

I'll be staying strong with my eating while he is here.  I don't want to take steps backward!

Little Things

While this might look like just another key chain to some...it's actually kind of a big deal to me!

Remember how I said I hit my 10%?  

This was my reward!!!

I weighed in today, and I not only hit the mark...but I also came home down from vacation on their scales!

My official weight today... 179.8!

I have left the 80's behind and don't have plans to go back!

So today, I'm celebrating!
I hit my 10% and got my award!
I lost 0.8 lbs while on vacation for 2 long weeks (eating out EVERY SINGLE MEAL!)
I am in the 70's for the first time in.....who knows how long!

Yes, I think I'll celebrate!
(But now how you think...the old me would celebrate with food, more specifically ICE CREAM.  The new me is ready to celebrate by fitting into my smaller sized jeans!!)

Dropping

Remember how I really, really, really, REALLY want to hit the 70's!?  Well, today I saw 179.9!  I'll take it!  :)

I can't say this enough...I can not remember the last time I saw 70's on the scale!  Honestly!  <sigh>  This just keeps getting better!

Hopefully by tomorrow morning, I will be able to see something similar on the WW scale.

Side note...I walked 16,444 steps yesterday!!  Today, my calves are burning!

Accountable

I promised accountability.  Here it is.

My scale this morning read 181.2.

That's a little bit up from before vacation.  (0.6 to be exact.)  I do feel very bloated right now, and I KNOW I haven't been getting the water in that I should.  So that's my focus today...up the water intake!

Thursday is my "official weigh in day."  I wanted to be in the next "10's" by then.  (The WW scale is what I post my actual weights on my stats page, and it won't be until Thursday that I gage where I came home from vacation at.)  I'm not sure if the 70's will happen or not.  I'm still going to bust my butt and give it everything I've got to get there!

But I am proud that I stayed below my 10% WW mark.  That means I'll be getting my award on Thursday!

I already worked out for an hour this morning, I'll be doing at least another hour tonight.  We'll see what that does for me.

On a side note...I WISH I HAD A TREADMILL!  Seriously though!

I want THIS treadmill.  The Nordictrack Elite 9500 pro.  Fully equipped with the iFit feature that I'm DYING to use!

It's so hard to get a decent work out in being "single mom" to 3 kids.  I can't take them out running with me in 100+ degree weather.  I can't keep them up until 11pm when it cools down.  I can't drag them out of bed at 5:30am to go for a walk.  I'm kinda limited.  I do have a gym membership.  And I would take the girls in a heartbeat to the day care there....but not Connor.  I guess I don't trust them with a baby-baby, and ewww...if they put him on the floor!  YUCK!

So yes!  I wish I had a treadmill.  I fully utilized the one at the hotel.  Even though I had Connor the whole time, I just strapped him on me thanks to my handy dandy Moby Wrap and it worked perfectly!

I guess I should start saving my pennies, I know they don't come cheap...

Home

I'm home! It's been 2 weeks since I've been on MY scale. I was super ghetto and went into Bed, Bath, and Beyond a few times during my stay with Jason. I also used my moms last night. But I'm never sure until I am on my own scale. I got home this evening. I weighed in 1.6 higher than my 180.6. Not bad. Especially since that is a night weigh in and I'm always higher then.

As for looking back at my time away. I did good. I wasn't perfect with eating or working out. But I feel good about the efforts. I don't feel I sacrificed things I wanted, I don't feel I over indulged, I don't feel I was a work out freak. I think I did well. And if I can drop a bit by Thursday's WW weigh in, I'd be even more thrilled!! :)

Tomorrow morning will tell me right where im at, I'm just happy it's not a +6 or something horrible like that!!

Memory Milestone

I do have to record a milestone for myself.  Usually, when my kids want to go swimming I DREAD it!  I'm talking....do the whole psych myself up for it routine!  And even then, I usually wear shorts and a shirt to cover my body.  THAT'S how uncomfortable I have been.

Well.  Thursday July 14th was a big day.  So was Sunday July 16th!  I not only went swimming, but I wore a suit that hasn't fit me in years.  Thursday I took the kids to an actual water park...Cowabunga Bay.  Sunday I was in Georgia and went to Tybee Island Beach with Jason and Connor.  (We met up with my 2 brothers and sister-in-law as well.)

AND the milestone part...I didn't wear anything over the top while I was in the water.  Not even shorts.

I can't even begin to tell you how nauseous I was about the event.  I was pretty self conscious.  I know I still have a lot to lose!  But I wanted to be proud of where I had come to this point.  I'm not going to lie, I wanted reassurance.  But did my best to suck it up and act confident.  And while I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me, wondering why I wasn't wearing something over my suit...I can bet that most didn't even take the time to notice me.

I went through my camera to see if I got a picture of myself, but I only had pictures of when I had the cover-up on.  (I did wear a cover-up on the drive to and from the pool.)

Hopefully I can have build more memories like this.  I feel like I've withheld fun activities like this from my kids because of my own insecurities.  Now, I'm trying to change it.

Days

Do you ever have those days when you just don't feel good about yourself?  You know, the days when you feel so ugly, fat, etc?

Am I the only one??

Well, I've been having those days lately.  And when I have those days, I tend to rely on others to give me the boost I need to get past the feelings.  Only, the person I rely on most is way to busy to notice.

I know I don't look good in my clothes right now.  I know I don't even have nice clothes.  I wish I did!  I wanted just one outfit that I felt amazing in...that I felt I looked like a million bucks.  You know, with the jewelry to accent how amazing I look!  The type of outfit that actually turns peoples heads and gets them to notice me again.  But I don't!  I can't even remember what it feels like to turn my husbands head, let alone someone else's!

I have pants that are too big and fall off my body with every step I take.  I have other pants that are too small still and create a big old muffin top.  I only have the shirts that I wore when I was at my biggest.  I have a few ratty t-shirts that are super dressy, you know for those nights you go out on the town and want to make a great impression!  Or my maternity shirts, I have those too and still wear some of them.

You can imagine how attractive I feel right now.

And it really doesn't help that I still look in the mirror and think "ickkk" when I see my body, especially my naked body.  I don't know that I'll ever look how I dream of looking.  I know if I can't find myself attractive, neither will anyone else.  I just don't know what to do about it!  It scares me to death that after all the hard work I'm putting in that I will still be repulsed by myself in the mirror.  It scares me even more that my husband might not ever find me actually, truthfully attractive again.  Truthfully, it makes me want to give up and quit.

I hurts so bad to be so needy.  To beg others for approval.  But it also hurts like crazy to need that and not ever receive it.  If I do get a compliment, it's usually because I hinted that I needed one...or I asked how I look.  And even at that, the response is usually, "You look fine."

I don't want to look fine.  "Fine" makes me want to tear up and cry.  (In fact, I am doing that right now!) I don't want to have the one person I care most about in life to think I look "fine."  I realize I am being kind of a baby right now.  But is it too much to ask that I look better than "fine?"  I know I probably don't to him yet, but would a white lie really kill a person?  Even if you don't believe it yet, I need to hear encouraging things and I'm just not getting them.

So I'm off for another day in South Carolina...looking "fine" (you might as well tell me I'd look better in my PJ's because that's how it makes me feel!).  I'm off in clothes that don't fit, that aren't fancy.

I guess I'm just the frumpy, homely, insecure, unfashionable housewife....

My before

I stumbled across a picture of me probably at my biggest.  I can't be for sure, because I don't really know when I hit my highest number, I just know it was spring of last year.  This picture was taken in March of 2010 at Disneyland.

YUCK!

The funny thing is that I have always liked this picture with the girls.  And I really didn't think I was "that big" until I looked at it again today.  I can sure tell a difference though!

And just to compare the two side by side...

I think there's a big difference, but maybe that's just me...

I am starting a weight loss challenge this next week with a dear friend, Sam Crowther.  It will be running from July 25th through October 31st.  The winner gets a LOT of moolah!  (probably in the area of $600!)  Jason and I are both going to join so hopefully we can win!!  :)

It got me wondering though, the challenge is going to be based off % lost.  So I wondered what my % lost to this point was.  So I calculated it....22.16%!!  

I was kinda surprised!  That seems like SO MUCH!  I remember watching "The Biggest Loser" and seeing some of those contestants never even hit that high.  I had an "atta-girl" moment!  :)  

Which...if you are wondering, I kinda needed!  Because vacation is still just as hard!  I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to come home with a weight loss....ugh.  But I have to keep at it, and start fresh every day.  I'm trying!  I even went and bought fresh sugar snap peas yesterday to munch on.  I just hope I'm doing enough to counteract my diet while I'm away!  I know if I come home up it's going to be tough mentally...I don't even want to go there!  No matter what the scale shows though, I have already decided to hold myself accountable and go weigh in at WW that first week.  I am just PRAYING I'm still under my 10%!  I REALLY want my award!  :)

  

Vacation is HARD!

It is so hard being on vacation!  Even when I had planned a plan ahead of time!  I am determined to stay strong, but it's hard not having a scale to know if my efforts are paying off!  I know I haven't gotten in the amount of water that I usually drink.  That's going to mean problems if I can't pick it up!  Food wise, I think I've done OKAY.  I've tried to make smart choices.  Somedays have been better than others.  Steps...most days I've gotten in 10,000.  I have yet to make it up to 15,000.  Today is a new day.  I will try for it...