Lets be honest.

It is always easier to blog when things are going great.  You know, when I'm losing!  When I'm eating great!  When I'm doing what I know I need to do.

It is not always easy to blog when I'm not.

I've been struggling a bit.

Okay.  That's a lie.  I've been struggling a lot.

I haven't been able to quiet the negative self talk.  Which then causes me to enter "the cycle."  Let me describe it...maybe you can relate?

Negative self talk....negative self talk makes me feel like crap....I feel like crap so I reach out to food....I reach out to food and I feel like crap....I feel like crap so I don't exercise as much....the scale goes up....negative self talk happens.....rinse and repeat.

I've done a lot of thinking since my last post.  And I decided more than anything, I want people to know I'm normal.  I have bad weeks (or bad months!).  This journey has not been a straight loss for me.  I've hit major bumps, and I still continue to hit them from time to time.

I have hit a bump now.

And the last thing I wanted to do was blog about it because honestly, I felt dumb.

I mean really.  Who gets into the 140's and then gains all the way back up?  Me.  I do.  I did.  And I have been VERY hard on myself for it.

Sure, I could make you a million excuses:  school is hard, my life is full of stress, etc, etc, etc.

Ultimately, it hurts to know that I was so close YET AGAIN and then I fell into the self sabotage mode.  I've been down on myself for not finishing what I was SO CLOSE to finishing.  Really down.  But I've had a few ahh-ha moments I want to share.

1.  I may be frustrated with where I'm at in the moment, but that doesn't take away what I've done up until this point.  I have lost a lot of weight.  And I've managed to keep most of it off.

2.  I need to find joy in this journey.  My focus this next week is to find the moments when I can appreciate exactly where I'm at TODAY.  Sure, I may not be where I hoped to be.  But I'm a crap load ahead of where I used to be!

So while I intended to stop blogging for a while, I realize I actually need it.  I need to stay focused.  I need to STOP GAINING!  I need to be grateful for how far I've come.  And although I have to re-lose weight AGAIN, this is what the journey is about.  There isn't a finish line.  Rather, there is a lifetime of work ahead to maintain my health.

So no matter where you are in YOUR journey, take a fresh look at yourself TODAY.  Be proud of who you are!  And no matter what, DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!  I realize it's easy to do (stupid negative self talk!).  But really YOU deserve the best!  You DESERVE to hit your goals!  Maybe life has gotten hard for you too, that doesn't mean we give up on our goals.  Maybe we have to adjust the "finish date" but that doesn't take anything away from the end goal!

Continue working toward being the you you want to be and before you know it, you'll be there!

Break.

It probably won't come as a surprise to the few who read this, but I'm taking a break from the blog for a bit.  My mind and head aren't in a very good spot and the last thing I'm going to do is come here and whine and complain about it.  That's not why I set this blog up.

Right now my head is jumbled.  And I have to work things out for myself.  I have to find me again.  Maybe it will take a day.  Maybe a week.  Maybe it will be a month.

I just need time.

Eyes wide opened.

My eyes have been opened.  Wide opened.

As time passes and I continue to work on losing weight, sometimes I forget how far I've come.  Sometimes I get used to my body and forget how big I used to be.

While out hiking with the family, I was carrying Bubba on my back.  I was calculating how much the carrier weighed, how much he weighed.  Then I realized that if I carried him, the carrier, AND my 5 year old daughter I would weight just about what I was at my highest (230+ pounds!)

I even walked down the path for a bit carrying them both just to really feel what it was like.  

It was heavy.  

And honestly, I can't believe I was carrying around that amount of weight on a daily basis.

So while my journey may be slower than I hoped for, I can sit here and realize that I have made significant progress.  I have worked hard to shed the weight of 2 children (and a carrier).  I have worked hard to become healthier, and I haven't stopped.  

Sure, there have been times I've been sidetracked.  There have even been times that I gained some of it back, only to have to lose it again.  But I think if we are all being honest, that is the typical path of life.  Losing weight is not a destination.  There is no finish line for this accomplishment.  

Instead, it will be a life long change of lifestyle habits.  It will be a life long focus on continuing to stay healthy.

I get asked a lot, "how did you do it?"

THERE IS NO MAGIC RED BUTTON TO PUSH!  I did it by walking.  A LOT!  And eating foods that are good for my body.  And walking a lot more.  And now I've added in running.  The big secret is the one we all already know.....healthy eating; eating fewer calories than you burn.  

So while sometimes I might get discouraged at what I don't yet look like.........today I was amazed at just how far I've come!

Neglected.

I have neglected my little blog.  (And coincidently, I have neglected myself.)

I've been in a funk.

We went up to SLC to visit family a few weeks back and ever since I came home I haven't been myself.  I've found myself diving head first into candy bowls, I've found myself making excuses as to why I don't need to run.  I've found myself averaging less and less steps daily.

Then, I realized:  THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!

This is exactly what I did last year.  Halloween came and went and I decided that I could move less and eat more.  The weight came on and I did nothing about it for 7 months.  This is exactly what I do when I am SOOOOOOO close to what I have considered impossible for quite some time now.

You see, I have always said I wanted to see 145 on the scale.  But I never really knew if that was possible.  So each time I get close (this year, I've been closer than EVER!) I enter into self-sabotage mode.

It's depressing.

It's humiliating.

It's frustrating.

So here I am.  Now.  Again, losing the weight I've already lost.  Luckily, I caught it this time.  I am only up a few.  And now I'm working back down to where I need to be...back to where I thought was impossible.

Because ultimately, my goal for January 1, 2013....to NEVER have to make another resolution to lose weight again!

I've got some work to do, but I have put my head down and I am gonna get there!

Days like this help.....(short story that I definitely want to remember)...

Today I set out to run 7 miles.  (My longest run yet in my training for the 1/2 marathon.)  I was feeling good, a little chilly, but good.  That is, until mile 5 hit me.  At 5.5 miles I started the uphill portion of the run.  And I think it was knowing that the remainder of my run would all be uphill that had me worried. I was struggling.  I was thinking about walking.

I honestly thought in my head 'who would even know if I walked a portion right now."

It was at that moment that 3 city workers stopped the work they were doing on a golf course and came to the edge of the street and began clapping.  (Well, 2 were clapping and 1 was giving me a thumbs up and yelled "You can do it!")

It just so happens that at that exact moment, the lyrics to the song in my ears were "I have been blessed, and it feels like I found my way.  I thank God for all I've been given at the end of every day.  I have been blessed."  

It's safe to say that my eyes began filling with tears.  I realized how far my body has come.  I realized that just back in July I couldn't even run 1.5 MINUTES without dying!  Now I was running miles and miles.

I felt blessed.

And I finished the run strong.

I love the tender mercies that get me through the hard times in life...it makes me feel not so alone even when difficult challenges lie ahead.  (in my runs, and in my life in general!)

Hopefully you can take a step back and find the tender mercies in your life as well, because I promise they are there!

HUGE.

This is me.

At my lowest weight.

(Actually, this picture is a little heavier than my lowest weight...)

(I'll take another picture for the post...)

I have a lot of thoughts I want to share on it.

I've hit quite the HUGE milestone.

I am working on a post that really dives deep into me...my thoughts.  

My feelings.

Just know this:

I've spent a lot more time in front of the mirror the last few days.

I am starting to see myself a little differently in the mirror these days.

And it's actually really rewarding.

Even in the pictures I see, I can say out loud how excited I am to FEEL SMALL!

(I've never felt small....not even when I WAS small back in high school.)

So watch for the post, I promise it's coming.

It is just taking me some time to put my thoughts out there about this.

(And it doesn't help that I am right in the heat of a busy semester in school...)

High FIVE

Today was my long run.  And I'm not going to lie and pretend I wasn't nervous.  I realized the last time I ran 5 miles straight was when I ran the marathon.....5 years ago.  And before training for that....NEVER!

So today I was a nervous nelly.  I didn't know if I could trust my body to do all 5 miles.

My sweet husband kept telling me to trust myself.  He told me I'm too hard on myself, and that I needed to stop doubting and start believing.  (He's so right!)  (Don't tell him I said that.....)

I also received some awesome advice from my professional runner friend Brandi who told me to watch my heart rate!  It was something I'd never done before.  I'd always paid attention to my pace rather than my HR.  So today, my goal was to keep my heart rate within the aerobic range for my body (140-160).

At first, I felt like I was going at a SNAILS PACE!  But I felt strong.  1/2 through my run I wasn't labored at all.  In fact, I didn't even realize I was already 1/2 done!

By the time I finished, I felt strong.  Seriously, I probably could have continued!  I was SHOCKED that I ran the entire 5 miles without feeling labored at all!  My legs were strong!  My lungs were strong! My body was strong!

I FELT AMAZING!

Pace: 11:33 min/mile (Splits: 10:49, 11:47, 11:22, 11:40, 12:08)

Thank you to all the loving encouragement and belief sent my way.  I'm truly starting to see that I sometimes don't give myself enough credit.....

Oh. Hi.

What have you been up to this week?

Me?

I've been busy in pretty much every aspect of my life.  Here's the recap:

• SCHOOL:  Studied my tail off for a massive nursing test.  (YES!  They are all massive!)  (This particular test have a very low passing rate...as far as I can tell only about 5 people actually passed...luckily, I was one!)

• ME PROGRESS:  I've been a stickler this week to stay on track with my planned runs!  
• Monday I ran the 3 miles I already talked about (splits 8:50, 11:08, 10:03)
• Tuesday I ran 8 laps around my little neighborhood for a total of 3.03 miles (splits 9:37, 9:50, 9:27)
• Wednesday I took the day off from running...I was out at school ALL. DAY. LONG.  Then, last night I was invited to a coed softball game.  I played fast pitch softball in high school and LOVED it.  And have MISSED IT!  So I jumped at the opportunity!  (And I even got a hit!) 
• Thursday (today) I started the morning off with 3.18 mile walk with the hubby up the mountain behind our house (in 57:47 minutes).  It was a cool morning and loved feeling Fall!  After that I hit the pavement running....I ran 3 miles (splits 9:21, 10:09, 11:00).  My hip was a bit sore and my hamstrings were tight from the uphill walk earlier...but I FINISHED!!

• MY PLAN:  Tonight...I'll be headed to Zumba for an hour!  Tomorrow I've got a 5 mile run planned and then 2 hours of Zumba tomorrow night.  The Zumba is the Party in Pink to raise money for breast cancer awareness and I'm pumped about it!  :)  The run, on the other hand, scares the crap out of me.  Running is so mental!  And I need to get my head on straight during my run tomorrow.  It's been 5 years since I ran 5+ miles!  5 YEARS!  And before my marathon training, I don't think I had ever run 5 miles!  So tomorrow I'll be stepping up to the plate again....ready to face the anxiety of the 5 mile fear!

Wish me luck!

Now...what's YOUR PLAN for the rest of this week?  How are YOU going to make a step in the RIGHT direction?  Maybe it's a walk?  Or a bike ride?  But seriously, do me a favor......DO SOMETHING FOR YOU!  You deserve a healthy body.  You really do!

1/2 Training and October goals

I've finally figured out my 1/2 training schedule.  

Here is what my October looks like...

I didn't get out yesterday for my run, so I'll be doing 3 miles today and tomorrow.

Wednesday's I always have the day off because it ends up being a LONG day out at school!

Saturday's are also rest days because I have 12 hours clinicals.

At the beginning of each month, I'll post the calendar for accountability.

If you don't see me posting about my 1/2 training....feel free to call me out on it!

I need to do this, and my goal is to finish it in 2:30.  (Scary!!!)

I know the only way I'll get there is consistently training....

Now onto October goals!

I'm at the point that I'm ready to commit to saying:

BY HALLOWEEN I WILL SEE THE 40's ON MY SCALE!

Pounding the pavement

When things get stressful in my life, pounding the pavement always helps!  They say any problem can be fixed with salt water...the beach, tears, or sweat.  And since I can't get to a beach, and crying gives me a headache....running it is!  

Today I pushed myself 4 miles.  (Remember, I have a 1/2 marathon I'm training for!)  I had Jason go out and drop me off.  I despise out and back runs.  So we drove out 4 miles and I started.  Jason gave me a few tips.  He watched me run last Saturday in our 5K (for as long as he could keep up...).  He noticed I was running up and down rather than forward.  When he mentioned that, I remembered others saying the same thing in years past.  So today, I was set out to focus on propelling myself forward rather than bobbing up and down.

It feels different running that way.  My hip was feeling a little sore by 1/2 through the run.  But I honestly felt like I was going faster!  Then I came home and looked at my splits:

Mile 1:  9:00  (I NEVER run a 9 min/mile!!!)

Mile 2:  10:01 (Still pretty fast for me...)

Mile 3:  11:07  This mile was ALL UP HILL!!!  Ugh.  

Mile 4:  10:49  I was TIRED by this point and my legs were sore in all new places

To sum it up, I can tell a HUGE difference in running forward.  I really just watched my shadow and made sure I wasn't bobbing.  It helped!

My overall time was 40:59 (a 10:15 min/mile)...not too shabby!

Sunday will be my next run.  A simple 3 miles.  But next week, OH!  Next week I'm going 5 miles.  My stomach is already in knots!

I'm real.

Real honest.

And I honestly earned the number I saw.  (And not in a good way!)

I can't lie to you guys.  Monday and Tuesday were ROUGH!  I was emotional and I ate my emotions rather than feeling them.

Wednesday I pulled up my big girl panties again and moved forward.  (After all, I have a competition ending in 2 weeks that I REALLY want to win!)

Wednesday I rocked my face off with my food choices.  Today has been great too.

I guess you could say I'm back on track!

Huge thanks to all you sweet followers and friends for pulling me out of the dumps when I was perfectly content eating myself miserable.

My scale sits at about 160.something.  But.....all things considered, it could have been sooooo much worse.

I honestly didn't know what to post today and finally I realized.....EVERYONE messes up.  I've messed up along this journey 23420349482034823094820349 times!  But I haven't quit.  And neither should you!

I don't care if you had cheesecake last night!  I don't care if you stuffed your face with McDonald's AND Burger King just for lunch alone!  I don't care if you ate 6000 calories yesterday.  I don't care if you've been off the weight loss wagon for a long time or a short time.  The truth is, we all mess up.  Our success is determined merely by fact that we can brush ourselves off and do better.

Sadly, I'll probably mess up another 2390482304928 times.  (and so might you!)  So what?!  You are trying!  And THAT my friends is going to get you somewhere!

Success is measured by the amount of times we get back up after we fall down....and all you have to do is get up one more time than you fall to succeed!

So get up!