Hip, hip, HOORAY!

Today I weighed in on my scale.
I am officially the lowest I've been in a year+.
Over this last year I've mostly stayed in the high 190's to low 200's.
I did get as high as 210...possibly even almost 215 at one point.
(I'd have to go back through my Withings scale app....and frankly, at this point, I don't want to spend too much time in the rear view mirror.)

But today was good!
Today was encouraging.
Today was a nice change of pace.

As far as workouts go...

I'm working out HARD in the gym we have every other day.
I also use a stability ball for wall squats and ball hip up curls.  (I call the hip ups DEATH!)
I am SO sore when I finish.  SO SORE!
I've worked out in the gym many times before but have never used a stability ball, so I know the added soreness is coming from the ball.  It's crazy intense.
After lifting, I jump on the treadmill and walk for 20min, keeping my HR in the fat burning zone.

I am dripping in sweat by the time I finish!  It's intense, but I love feeling like it's making a difference.

On days I don't lift, I have the option to get in a walk.  I haven't done this yet.  Typically, I'm so sore.  Or I'm dead tired from working graves.  So I've just been doing the bare minimum.  (And if I'm being totally honest, which I always am, I've even skipped a few workouts.)

Each day I press on.
I can't lie and say it's easy.
It's not.
Everyday I want to stuff my face with foods that aren't good for me.
Ice cream, cookies, chips, fast food, candy.
But.
I don't.
Everyday I fight with myself, and most of them I win.

Here's to continuing this plan.  I can't wait to see where I finish September at!
We now have less than 100 days until the end of this year.  (Crazy, right?!)
What goals are you going to set for yourself between now and then?
Pick something, be deliberate.  Be intentional.  What is something you can focus on and be proud of yourself that you accomplished or stuck to come December 31st?

A Week of Change

This past week I can say I've put in more effort with what I eat than I have in probably the last 6 months combined.  I know I've hinted on Instagram about the changes I decided to make last week.  I was hesitant to share.  (At least until I knew I was going to really make a go of this.)

So a while back, my fantastic cousin introduced me to a business here called Total Health and Fitness.  At the time, I honestly thought 'hm.  They have a lot of fantastic philosophies when it comes to how to lose weight....but, I can do this on my own.'  And at the time, I did.

Then, last year sometime, my dad also started going there and has had amazing success!  And at that time, I was either pregnant or had just had Madi.  And again, thought I could do this just as I did before.

Flash forward.

I have struggled.  I've felt myself slipping.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.  I know what I want, and I haven't done it.  But I haven't done it because I have been holding myself back.  Plus I've been intimidated by trying to figure out when and what and how much to eat while I'm working the graveyard shift as a nurse.

So, I jumped.  And it was a pretty big jump for me.  I wanted to stand up tall and shout to the world "I did this myself" when I lost all the weight.  I was letting pride stop me.  But then I smartened up.  It dawned on me one night, what matters more?  Is my pride more important than my health?  The answer is no.

So I'm here to say:  I sought out help to get things in order.  I sought out help to find myself again.  Because if I'm being 100% honest right now, I don't like myself right now.  I have gotten back to my old habits of avoiding mirrors, of wearing sweatshirts in 90+ degree weather.

Plain and simple:  I don't like where I'm at right now and I feel too stuck to move.

So I met Bryce.

Bryce is fantastic.  He's helpful, and yet has made it clear he will cut through any BS.  He explains things in so much detail for me.  I love it!  So by now, you're probably wondering exactly what Bryce does for me at Total Health.......right?

He is my coach, or advisor, or whatever you want to call him.  (Sorry Bryce, I don't know your technical title)  (Not that you will ever read this....)

At Total Health and Fitness, you sign up for their program, and each week you meet with your "person" (Bryce).  He sits down with me and figures out a meal plan for the week.  A DETAILED meal plan.  He figures out how many calories I should be eating to drop weight.  But not just calories....he makes sure my percent of protein compared to carbs compared to fats is all where it needs to be to give me the best results possible.  He also details a workout regimen that I am able to follow at home.

Each week I meet with him, we change things up so my body is surprised.  It's the shock and awe factor!

He also has me step on a nifty machine that does a complete body composition analysis.  It tells me my body water balance, my segmental lean analysis (where all my fat is being stored), my BMI, my percent of body fat, and of course my weight.  We take physical measurements so I can see the inches shrinking.  It's pretty awesome!

I'm not going to lie.  Week one (last week) was mortifying.  It was ugly.  It was uncomfortable.  I was determined to follow what he told me to do as closely as I could just so I could never be back at that point again.  (Spoiler alert:  I did!)

After meeting with me, Bryce is confident that if I work hard (and follow what he's telling me) that he can have me to my goal weight by February.  FEBRUARY!  That means the holiday's I'm going to need to focus in and treat them as a ONE-DAY holiday.....NOT a 3 month holiday!!!

So there you have it.  THAT is what the change is all about.

And I am happy to report that after one full week, meeting with Bryce again today, I felt great!  Proud.  Happy!  Excited.  Taking this one week at a time helps it to feel doable!

So yes.  I will be posting on here what I love (and maybe don't love) about the program.  This is no different from when I lose all the weight before.  I fully expect there to be ups and downs.  Slip ups and bang ups.  After all, last week I wasn't perfect with my diet.  (And by diet, I mean FOOD.  Not "diet" because this IS a lifestyle change.)  I slipped up and had some breadsticks while watching football Saturday.  (And maybe a few chips too.)  I splurged on some fries on Monday.  I made mistakes this last week.  But when I did, I didn't let myself get out of control.

I am starting to gain the control back again, and I like how that feels!!!

Alas....you are probably wondering about results now, right?  I know I would be!

My starting week:
Weight:  204.1 (aiming for the mid-high 140's)
Body Fat %:  40.1  (aiming for around 24ish%)
Fat Mass:  81.84 (aiming to lose most of my weight from this section)
Lean Mass:  122.26 (aiming to keep my lean muscle weight at this point, or higher)

I was told to focus on losing the fat mass....0.6% per week.  Because when you focus on the "weight" it is deceiving once you realize how much your weight is made up of.  And Bryce reassures me that by following my menu, and workout routine, I will be losing the weight from the fat mass rather than losing my lean muscle mass.

My Week 1 Results:
Weight:  198.0 (loss of 6.1 lbs)
Body Fat %:  38.7 (loss of 1.4%...more than doubled what I was aiming for!)
Fat Mass:  76.63 (loss of 5.2lbs)
Lean Mass:  121.37 (loss of 0.88)

This post has already become much longer than expected....but I'll post again soon about the types of foods I'm eating and the exercises I'm doing....

Be the Change

It's time for me to get up.

It's time for me to brush myself off.

I know I've said it before.

And I've hesitated even blogging about it again.

But because I'm honest, and this journey is real, I am putting myself out there.

I am hoping this will be the last time I start over.  

I am hoping this time will be the time things click again.

I am hoping I never have to come to this blog and say I'm sorry for falling off the wagon.  Or I'm sorry for neglecting myself and this blog.  

So for my own sake.  I'm documenting.

Today.

Today is the day I made a big commitment. 

Today is the day I sought out help from others.

I'll go more into everything soon.

But just know, today is real.

Today I'm fighting to get me back.

It's going to be a battle, but I've gotta win.

So I'm off to make a grocery list and give this week 110%.

Today I'm going to live the change I want to be...

Reality Hurts

There are times I make some lofty goals.  
You know, the whole dream big concept.
Only, I fall.  Or fail.
Or both.

Today is August 22nd.
I'm not even close to where I wanted to be.
Not on the scale, not on the miles on runs.

Honestly, I've been hiding from the truth.
I've been avoiding the whole come clean process.

Sure, I could fill this blog with some very valid excuses.
I could sit and tell you all how hard August has been.
I could tell you about my job and the crazy hours/days I've been working.
I could tell you about so much that has been happening (mentally and physically).

But where will that get me?

I don't want pity.  I don't want a way out.
I definitely don't need someone excusing my behavior.

Because frankly, my behavior has stunk.
Sure, I've been busy.  Who isn't?!
But I could have found opportunities to make the time for what's important.
I could have sucked it up and made it happen.

But here I am, wishing I would have.

And this feeling sucks.

I was supposed to be working to lose weight to head to Marco Island in December with Jason.  (Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)
I was supposed to be working hard to run and train for the St. George Marathon.
(Something I REALLY, really, REALLY wanted.)

Neither has happened.  I am most certainly not where I planned to be.
I'm embarrassed, I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated.

Dare I say it, part of me even wants to quit.
It's easier to just quit, you know.  It's easier to pretend like I don't care.

But the thing is, I do care.
I care about achieving goals I have set.

I'm not crazy enough to believe I still have a chance at hitting my goal by September 6th to buy my ticket to Marco Island.  And I'm not about to buy it anyway, just because I want to go and can afford the ticket.  I truly don't feel I've worked for it.  I've seen the work Jason has put in.  (Holy smokes, he's looking good as she shrinks away...)  It wouldn't be right for me to assume I can just go despite not putting in my end of the deal.

Does that mean I quit?  Does that mean I give up?
No.

I may not get to Marco Island, but was that the end goal?  No.  It would have been a nice perk!  But the end goal is finding myself again after this pregnancy.  The end goal is getting my healthy body back again.  And I owe it to my kids, my family, and myself to keep pushing for that.

Now about this other lofty goal....the marathon.

I'm not even going to pretend I'm going to be ready like I hoped.
I won't.
I haven't put in the miles to even consider making a "time" goal for the race.
So here I am.  Throwing it all out the window.
I'm determined to start that race.  And I'm going to give it every last ounce of effort I have within me to finish.  I will leave it all out there on the road that day.

And between now and then, I'm going to gain some laser focus.  A wise friend (who consequently is also running this race with me) reminded me today to stop beating myself up.  To stop thinking about what I haven't accomplished, and focus instead on what I have.  To focus instead on the time I have left and not let it slip away.

So here I go.

I make no promises.

I am making no loft, dream big goals.

My only goal right now is to focus each hour of the day, because at this point...that seems pretty hard to do!

Everything starts with a choice, right?  So each choice I make, the question will be....'will this bring me closer to finishing the marathon, or will this set me back?"

Summer is Hard

Let me just say what you all are thinking:

SUMMER IS HARD TO STAY ON TRACK.

But really, replace "summer" with "anytime."  Because that's the truth.  Yes, it was the 4th of July this past week.  And oh boy, did we celebrate!  We enjoyed a delicious breakfast in the canyon with my fantastic family.  (Have I mentioned that breakfast is my FAVORITE meal?)  (Because it is!)

That evening we also kept with tradition and had a marvelous firework show with home made ice cream.

I'll be honest.  Not once did I ever consider saying "no" to either of these things.  Because you see, this is my life.  And I am going to enjoy the traditions that come with it.  Did that mean that July 5th I continued celebrating?

Nope.  Not at all.

In fact, I still have strawberry homemade ice cream in my freezer that I haven't even been tempted to touch.

You see, you have to live.  You can't deprive yourself.  This journey I am on does not have a finish line.  There is no, "well I have to avoid it all NOW...until I reach some number, only to then binge myself sick with all the foods I've avoided."

I've stuck to my plan.  One day a week I can not be accountable for what I eat.  For me, July 4th was that day.  And since then, I've lifted and ran and worked out and eaten great.

All in all, I'm very happy with the results I had this last week.

(Obviously I'm still a bit behind in my tracking for Marco Island, but I'm going to keep pushing and see what I can make happen!)

Clearly, my results aren't quite what my crazy husband managed to do.  But, he was also working out 3 times a day (sometimes more) and he cut out all fast food.  Up until this last week, he ate out pretty much every lunch wherever he wanted to for work.  He stopped that completely.  He stayed focused with food.  Eating lots of protein and veggies.  Man, if only I could have a week like that!

In all seriousness, it feels fantastic to be running along side someone who is pushing me to be better.  We lift together either in the morning or at night every day.  I LOVE it.  It's our time!  I love that I have seen a change in his body already, and he in mine.  This ride we are taking is a lot more fun with a partner and I'm grateful to have him as mine.  We haven't always been "good."  In fact, we've had some pretty rough times in the past.  (Not something I'll dive in to today, but possibly in the future as it relates...)  The point is, neither of us has given up.  We've begun really working on communicating better, and making each other a priority.  Anything worth having takes work!  Marriage, friendships, family relationships, getting healthy.  It all takes constant work.

So I challenge you this week.  Work on what is important to you!  That is the steps Jason and I have taken.  We are putting all our energy and focus into the positive parts of our life.  Life has enough ups and downs, there is no need to focus on the negative or the drama.  Instead choose to live your best life.  It won't be easy.  There will be negativity all around.  So you have to make a choice.  Today.  Right now.  Choose to focus on what makes you a better person....I promise, it works!

Honesty

Last week I spent the week in one of my favorite places EVER.  

Lake Powell

We had a fantastic time enjoying skiing

Tubing

Knee Boarding

Swimming

And so much more!

That being said, Lake Powell came at a crummy time for me.

You see, I was already a little behind on what I needed to be at for my weight in order to go to Florida in December.  But I gave it a valiant effort to stay away from all the delicious treats while I was down there.

Was I perfect? 

Nope.

Could I have been worse?

Ohhh yes!

Once I got home, I've been pre-occupied with some other things happening and didn't put anytime into focusing on jumping back into working out or eating well.

But yesterday was July 1st.  

And Monday, (the 30th) I started a weight loss competition with an old softball friend of mine.

So I figured new month, new contest, new focus!

Just a re-cap on last month...

I started the month off at:

I finished the month off at:

Pretty pathetic, right?  0.3 pounds down.

What that number doesn't show you is how low I actually got for the month.

What that number also doesn't tell you is the water weight I must have been holding on to from Lake Powell.  You see, between Monday and today (the 2nd) all that has changed is 2 runs, lifting weights, and a little extra caution with my diet.  (Read:  no grains, lots of veggies, lots of water)

I didn't weigh in yesterday.  But today I jumped on the scale after my 4 mile run and saw this:

I was pleasantly surprised to be starting July off at the lowest number I had seen in June.

Now for some work!

On Instagram I made some goals as part of a #JulyFitnessPhotoChallenge to help me continue to drop and stay focused:

1.  Run 4 times a week (marathon training)

2.  Lift at least 3 times a week (in our home gym)

3.  No grains for 6/7 days of the week (I'm allowing one free day)

4.  Be outdoors and active 1 day a week with kiddos/family (hike, swim, bike, walk, etc)

So there you have it.

My July plan.

Here's to seeing how much change I can muster up in the next 31 days 

(well...since today is already the 2nd, I guess I only have 29 days left.....)

Sicker than sick

All yesterday I felt pretty crummy.  Truthfully, I've had something since Sunday that I couldn't shake. But yesterday was by far the worst.

I couldn't figure out why I was so nauseous.  I even took a pregnancy test, just to be sure.  (NO.  I'm not pregnant...THANKFULLY!)

Then yesterday afternoon, like clock work, 2 of my kids started puking NON-STOP and I joined them in the fun.  That meant half our family was down and out for the count.

It was bad.  BAAAAAAD.

Jason took on Bubba and his puking because I couldn't be there to help him when I had to run to the bathroom for myself every 30 seconds.  Never in my life have I been so violently sick.

By about 4am the puking stopped, but tummys are still uneasy this morning.

On the bright side, the scale dropped like crazy.  I saw 196 this morning and am down over 2 lbs from just Monday.  Here's hoping the bug we had is gone completely, and that I can keep the scale dropping for the next few days!

(Next weigh in day will be Sunday since I will be MIA next week, enjoying boating at my favorite place on earth...)

The Train Keeps Moving

Last week I promised to check back in on Tuesday with my weight.

Obviously, that didn't happen.

Tuesday was a pretty crap-tastic day.  I'm not really going to go in to it on the blog, but I was pretty bummed about things that happened.  And I let it get to me all of Tuesday, and Wednesday.  Luckily, the damage I did with emotional eating connected to this event wasn't a total epic failure.

So, onto this week.  Because the train doesn't stop.  Time doesn't pause.  And frankly, I can't bump my brother wedding out any further because for some reason he thinks it's HIS decision on his wedding date.  :)

Today, I am not where I needed to be.  (scale-wise)
But.  Today I am where I need to be.  (mentally)

I've been focused, back to the no grains, mostly.  Yesterday was Father's Day and we went to my parents for a delicious BBQ.  I had decided way ahead of time that I was going to pass on the dessert.  Because nothing would taste as good as it would feel to hit my goal come September.

But then my mom made this.

Yep.  It's chocolate, and peanut butter, and cheesecake.  Pretty much all 3 of my weaknesses!!!

So I gave in to a piece.  And I wanted a second.  But I left the kitchen.  I call that a win.

Now, today I've gotta focus!  Like I said above, I'm not quite where I needed to be for my 3lb/week loss.  In fact, I'm basically a week behind.  So, I'm hoping to make it up a little each week for the next few weeks.

Today's Numbers:

Clearly, Jason is on track and KILLING it!  Way to go!  Keep it up, you are gonna drag me along one way or another.

As for me.  I did have a rough week.  But I'm focused.  And I want this.  And I'm doing it.  It's the little decisions we have to make each day that get us where we want to be down the road.  What steps are you taking today to ensure your success for the day, or the week, or this month?  If losing weight is something you want, focus on your eating.  I promise, losing weight is ALL about what you feed your body.  Maybe your ultimate goal seems too lofty.  Maybe it seems unattainable.  Only focus on this week.  THIS WEEK.  You can do ANYTHING for a week.  Then, focus only on today.  You can do this!!  WE can do this together!

Make today count!!

Tutus & Tiaras Virtual Run

Today was my next virtual race.  I was supposed to do it by the end of May, but I was still nursing my hip injury.  Thursday, for the first time, I felt NO pain!  None.  I was planning to get out and run over the weekend, but that didn't happen.

So this morning, I laced up and hit the pavement.  I was so ready to get back into my training!!  It was a beautiful morning, the weather was perfect (55 degrees).  The sun was shining, the scenery was gorgeous.

(33:42, average pace:  10:50 min/mile)

I felt a little tight as I began.  But after the first mile, my hip was feeling pretty good.

I didn't have my Garmin watch on me.  I'll admit, I kind of felt naked without it.  It had been so long since I last ran that it died.  So I relied on my RunKeeper and Nike+ Apps.

By the end of the run, I was so happy to be out there.  

I've missed my running time.  It's my time to escape everything.  I needed that.  It makes me a better momma.

Now to keep on training.  I originally was scheduled to do the Drop 13 half this Saturday.  Well.  After a lot of thought, I've decided to skip that race.  My hip is just BARELY feeling good again and I don't want to take 10 steps backward.  After all, I have some pretty big races to train for this fall!

On a side note:  It is Monday, and I am supposed to weigh in.  I haven't done it yet.  I'm sure it won't be pretty.  The whole "no grains" thing went out the window since Thursday.  But not only did it go out the window, I pretty much shoved everything I could into my pie hole in the mean time.  Yes, it was my anniversary and we splurged.  But we didn't have to splurge for 4 days straight.  Oy Vey!  Luckily, last week I made huge progress so hopefully I'll still be right on track to hit my 3 pounds a week goal.  I'll update ya tomorrow.

One Week In

We are officially one week into our challenge to lose weight by the wedding (so I can go to Marco Island, FL in December).

Just a re-cap, in case you aren't aware of what's happening:
Jason and I agreed that we both wanted to push to get healthy.  My youngest brother is getting married September 6th.  That gives us a great deadline to push for.  We decided if we BOTH lose 45 lbs by that date that I can book my plane ticket to Marco Island, FL and enjoy a little relaxation with Jason when he has his annual sales conference on the beautiful beach.

We started last week, and today we needed to weigh in 3 lbs less than last Monday.
Jason needed to be at 275.1 for a 3 lb loss, and I needed to be at 201.9.

........Drum Roll Please........


Jason: 271.1 (a 7 pound loss!!!)
Alisha:  198.9 (a 6 pound loss!!!)

We both more than doubled what we needed to do this week!

I already know the question we are going to get....HOW?
Simple:  NO grains.  NO sweets.  LOTS of veggies!!

Next weeks goal:
Jason:  268.1
Alisha:  195.9

Choose to be conscious

Sometimes I think about blogging, and then I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I think about blogging, and then I just get busy.
Today, I thought about blogging, and knew I needed to do it.

I've been working hard to get my eating in order.  I went an entire week without grains.  During that week I dropped 6 pounds.  SIX!

I couldn't believe it!

Then.  I got munchy.  And lazy.

So now, today I am focused again.
The Mr. and I made a deal.
In December, he always has a sales conference.  For the last few years they have always gone to Marco Island, Florida.  I went with him once and it was beautiful and relaxing.  I wanted to join him on other trips there, but logistics have never worked out.  This year is different.

We both agreed that Marco Island was worth working for.  (Along with other big events happening.)  So we made an agreement.  If we BOTH had lost a pre-determined amount of weight by September, I would book a ticket and join him.

We are doing this today, we are doing this together.  We have 15 weeks until my brother's wedding and that is the date we will hopefully book my flight to Marco Island.

We set our goal high, figuring we needed to average a loss of 3 lbs a week.  That is 45 pounds by the beginning of September.

It won't be easy.  Not even a little bit.
It's going to take focus.
And desire.
But I know we can do it.

We weighed in yesterday:
Alisha:  204.9
Jason:  278.1

By September 6th, we need to be at:
Alisha: 159.9
Jason: 233.1
(When I look at that number it seems like a mountain I can't climb.  It seems far.  Undoable.)

So instead, I'm focusing on just this week!
Alisha:  201.9
Jason: 275.1

One ounce at a time.  One week at a time.  One day at a time.  One decision at at time!
Choose to be conscious this week, choose to be focused!

Where are you going to be a week from now?  What choices are you making today to ensure your success???

Making Monday Count!

It's been 2 weeks since I last ran.
Actually, it's been 2 weeks and 2 days.

This is the longest I've gone without running in 3 months!
It's killing me.

Last night I went out for a walk.
My hip was sore to start, but eased up.
It gave me hope.
Today I'm going to try an easy run.
::gulp::

If I continue following the marathon training schedule I had planned, this week I have 2 30 min runs and then a 4-5 miler on Saturday.  (Depending on how I feel.)

Here's hoping I can get back in the swing of things easily.

In other news...I made a big change last Tuesday.
BIG.

I decided to eliminate grains from my diet.
My intake hasn't been perfect.
But, I've avoided grains, increased my veggies, and eliminated ice cream.
The results have been amazing!
Like ridiculous, jump-start amazing!
(I'll blog more about it, check back...)

Make your Monday count!  Do something to be proud of!

Time to work

This last week was rough.
My heart has wanted to run, but my body has said no.
My hip is feeling a LOT better.
I am able to walk upstairs without crying.
But I still can't walk completely without pain.
My physical therapist told me to hold of on a run until I could walk without pain.
So, I wait.
He said it could take as long as 3 weeks.  UGH!
(I'm hoping I can try it by this Saturday!)

In other news...
Things just got pretty serious around here.
Like I have a deadline to lose this weight.
2 marathons and a fall wedding, deadline.

Yep, you read that right!

Yesterday I found out I got in to the St. George Marathon!

I am SO excited.  This race was the one that really changed my life.  Now, I get to run it again...healthier, and happier!

This means I will be on a detailed schedule for training, including using weights to cross train so I can stay injury free.  This also means I need to be careful what I fuel my body with so I can make both of these races happen.

I am so excited, not only did I get in to the St. George Marathon, but so did my amazing friend Windee.  We will be meeting in St. George to do 26.2 crazy miles.

Some moments I'm excited.  Then others, I get a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about how far 26.2 miles is!  It's in those moments that I'm worried that I make myself remember that finish line.  There has been NOTHING that compares to the feeling of accomplishment that I had in St. George Utah in 2007.  Nothing.  Crossing that line, seeing my family all there to support me was one of the proudest moments of my life.  Now, I get to do it again.

I found this video yesterday, and it instantly filled me with all those emotions again!
(I plan to watch this video a LOT over the next few months...)

Diagnosis

I knew something was wrong Saturday after the half marathon.
My hip hurt.  Like bad!
It wasn't just the dull ache, it full on was a sharp annoyance.
And going up stairs...impossible to do without tears, or yelps of pain.

I did the logical thing.
Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation.

I took ibuprofen around the clock.

Come Monday, I was walking a little better...but not much.
I opted to head in for a 90 min massage to work out my IT band, hoping that would help.
It didn't.
At least not a lot.

Yesterday I finally bit the bullet and went into a physical therapist.
He's confident I have an acute bursitis in my hip.
They did an electro-stimulation, put some heat on it, and taped it up.

I'm set to go back in on Monday too.

I'm pretty discouraged.
I planned to make this my best running month yet, but that is out the window.
He told me he thinks I'll be healed within a week or 2, once the inflammation goes down.
But until then, I'm only supposed to walk.
And even if I walk, it can only be if there is zero pain.

Well.  Right now, I never have zero pain.  So walking is out too.
Each day I stretch it, and each day it seems to feel a little better than the last.

Here's hoping the pain goes away completely so I can get ready for my next half!

Eyes Wide Open

I don't even know what to say.
Or how to start this post.
So bare with me, I'm just going to write.

Have you ever had one of those moments where reality slapped you across the face?
Hard.

It just happened.
Tonight.

And now, I'm sitting on my bed (in my PJs), alone, trying to wade through the feelings.
Shock, denial.  Pity.  Embarrassment.  More denial.  Confusion.  More embarrassment.

I know we are our own worst critics.
I get that.
But a picture is worth a 1000 words.
And this one (or these ones) were bad.

Like I can't even bring myself to post them, so bad.

I'm not going to lie.  I've avoided mirrors for a while.
Other than my itty, bitty compact mirror that I use to see my face close up when doing my make up.
I wear a lot of hats, or messy buns, or pony tails.

I have successfully avoided myself going on the last 9 months (since I had Madison).

And then tonight happened.

I saw a picture of what I look like in this moment, at this weight.
And I cried.

That's not me.
That's not what I picture myself looking like.
That's not who I was a year and a half ago.
Who is this person?
How do I get me back?

You may be reading this and thinking, 'geez...it's all about the weight', right?
Well you'd be wrong.

I saw more than the extra 50 pounds I've packed on in the pregnancy (and since kept on).
I saw a sadness in my eyes in a moment I thought I was happy.
I see frustration.
Frustration that I keep quitting on myself.  That I keep giving myself "outs."

Enough!
No more outs.
No more valid excuses.
It has to change.
Because if you don't make a change, you are just going to continue getting the same results.

Tonight my head changes.
I'm not giving up on this journey to find me.
I know I'm in there.
I know I'm worth fighting for.

Now comes the scary part...
doing it.

Lessons

I've talked before about my love for race bling!
It's safe to say, I run for it.
Each race, I get so excited to have a new blingy medal.
Saturday was no different!

Most of the time, I let the medal be a surprise.
I don't try to see it ahead of time because I like having my first look at the finish line.

Well Saturday, I got the best medal ever.
And it was NOT from the Provo City Half.
Sure, that medal was nice.
But it doesn't compare to the one I'm referring to.

In fact, no medal I have received compares to it.
I've had a few come close.

For instance, this one is my first race ever and the marathon of my life!

I went physically and mentally where I never thought it was possible.  I turned a leaf in my life that day, I chose to live again.
I will always treasure that medal!

Then there is this medal.

It is from the Hibiscus Half in Hawaii.
You know, the race I was SO EXCITED to run during our family trip in May 2013.
Only, then I had a surprise pregnancy with Madison.
And I couldn't risk running a half so far away from my doctor at that point in my pregnancy.
So this medal came from my amazing Mom!
She continued training for the race, even knowing I couldn't do it with her.
Then at the finish line...after a GRUELING race, she told me she ran the race for me.

Seriously!  That is my mom, folks!  She trained and trained, dealt with yucky humidity that she wasn't used to running in, and never quit just so she could give me the medal I so badly wanted.

I will treasure that medal forever, knowing the sacrifice she made for me!

While these 2 medals are some of my most prized possessions, the medal I received Saturday trumps them.

I came home from my half to be given this.

There are many days I have terrible self talk.
There are many days I think I'm not enough.
There are many days I wish I was stronger, faster, thinner, happier, craftier, a better mom, a better wife, a better friend.

But what this showed me was that in my daughters eyes, I am enough.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be 

In my daughter's eyes

"In My Daughter's Eyes"

Sung by Martina McBride

Provo City Half Marathon

2 half marathons within a week of each other?  It was done!

During last week, I had a sick little boy.  Like fevers every day since Monday night.  

By Friday, I was tired.  And ready for my Bubba to stop with the sickness!

Little did I know, he was blessing me with the lovely fever!

Friday, I originally planned to be at the expo right when it opened.  

I don't know why, but I always LOVE picking up my race packets!!

But because our day was crazy busy, I had to rearrange things to get there.

The race bib always gets me so excited...

Friday night, I knew I was in trouble.  

I started feeling the body aches.  When I took my temperature, I saw this:

I know I've joked before about thinking about sleeping in.  But I can honestly tell you, I was ready to just bag this race!  I ended up going to bed EARLY.  (I never get to bed early the night before a race!)  By 3:30am, I woke up (without an alarm) and was ready to start getting ready.

I still wasn't feeling 100%, but I was ready to give this race a go!

So there I was, awake at a time no sane person should be, feeding Madison, getting dressed, making breakfast....getting ready to head out the door.  Early mornings are probably what I hate most about running races because I am NOT a morning person!!

By 4:30, I was out the door, ready to pick up my neighbor and head to the race!

By the time we caught our bus and headed up the mountain, I was feeling crummy.  I popped some Ibuprofen and tried to distract myself.

At the top of the canyon we FROZE. 

Yep, I decided I didn't want to deal with bag drops so I took a garbage bag and figured I'd be alright standing by the fires.  No.  I was not alright.  I was freaking cold!  But I got to meet some interesting characters.  All of the big fires were completely surrounded, so we looked over and saw a smaller fire with hardly anyone near it.  As we joined the small group, we learned that we were joining some random campers who hiked up and decided to make their camp at the very spot that hundreds of runners were going to show up at early in the morning.  I'm still a little confused with their story...I use the term "campers" lightly.  These 2 had no tents, no sleeping bags.  They had an ax and a window squeegee.  

Strange.

The fire was small, but we were making it work. 

That is, until some genius tried to get too close and ended up burning his running shoes.  The smell was TERRIBLE.  I came home from the race smelling like his burnt shoes.

Eventually, it was time to line up at the start line.

The sun had finally come up.

Race start time was 7am. 

It was still a little chilly, but I knew once we started I would warm up fast.

As we took off, I was near the 2:20 pacer.

I knew there was NO WAY I'd be finishing with this pacer.  But thought I'd see how long I could keep her in my sight.  I started the race with my neighbor as well, but told her I was sure eventually I'd need to pull back and slow down.  (Which I did.)

However, the first 5-ish miles I kept a close pace with the 2:20's.

I was feeling great, little did I know how great I was actually running.

Mile 1 and 2 were a very good downhill grade.  

I rocked those miles with a 10:20 pace and then a 9:55 pace.  

Seriously, 9:55!!!  I haven't ran that fast in maybe ever!?

Mile 3 I slowed down some.  At this point we were on the trail and I knew I was starting off way to strong if I wanted to have the energy to see 13.1 miles.

The course for the first 6-7 miles was all in the canyon.  I LOVED it.  

I was nervous knowing that the course in the canyon was all on the trail, but I ended up loving it!  Plenty of room to run and not feel bottlenecked.

Honestly, it was probably one of the prettiest runs I've been on!

The temperature was perfect too!

(MUCH better than last weeks race!)

Once we left the canyon, they closed down part of the road along University Avenue.  This was a straight run for the last part of the run.  There was traffic along the side of us, but I felt the city police officers did a great job at regulating turns for the cars in between the runners.  I wasn't stopped at all.  While I thought it was great, the drivers were probably annoyed because traffic was a mess along University.  

Note to Utah residents...especially Utah County residents:  avoid University Ave  during the Provo City Half Marathon, you'll thank me later!

Much of these miles blended in.  I was really just feeling a groove and going with it.  I knew I wasn't as fast as I was in the canyon, but I was okay with it.  

Mile 9 I pulled off to use the restroom.  (At least I think it was 9) 

My stomach felt so heavy all morning.  

Unfortunately, it didn't help.

That was my slowest mile at a 13:00 pace.

After that mile, I knew I was going to set a PR.  I just didn't know how much of one.

I kept looking at my Garmin, trying to calculate how fast I could finish.

My legs were TIRED!

And my hip, OH MY HIP!  

But I didn't want to stop, I tried not to walk.

I felt like I really did the best I could possibly do.  I didn't wimp out and walk just because I was tired of running.  The only times I walked were because I really needed it!

During the last 3 miles, the 5k-ers came zipping by.  

I hated them.

They had fresh legs.  And they only had to go 3.1 total miles.

But as much as I hated them, it was an energy boost I needed!

I downed about 7 energy beans and began trying to pick up my pace.

It was hard.  And I wanted to just walk to the finish.

But I knew I would be so disappointed if I didn't leave EVERYTHING out on the course.

So on I pushed.  And ran.  And pushed.

I remember seeing the finish line and thinking it was a lot closer than it was.  

I kept thinking, "Oh!  There it is, now I can run the rest."

Nope.  Had to walk.

It felt like I could see the end, but that it was never going to end!

As I looked at my watch, I realized my time was far better than I thought it could be.

You see, last week, I BARELY finished in under 3 hours. 

And my best half was a 2:50-something from when I was pregnant with Madison.

So honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect of myself...especially after running a half the week before.

I hoped to set a PR, and I even through out the number 2:45.

But inside, deep where I don't let people in, I thought:  

"What if I saw 2:30...wouldn't that be amazing!?"

As I was coming down those last 1.5 - 2 miles I realized I could do something amazing.

I realized that if I gave it my all, I could maybe finish under 2:35.

As I thought about that, and about how hard I worked out on the course I wanted to cry.

Except I couldn't.  Because I was too excited and tired.

But I spent the last part of my race reflecting on how amazed I am at my body.

You see, I may not be at my goal weight.  And I may not even be where I hoped to be in my journey of losing this baby weight.  I may get really frustrated with the scale.  

But Saturday, I was proud!

I was proud of myself and what my body was able to do.

Never, NEVER did I dream I could finish 2 half marathons within a week of each other.

But I did.

And I finished in 2:33:42.

I was so damn proud.

And amazed.

And shocked.

I realized I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.  

And what a beautiful birthday present that was to myself!

After finishing, I couldn't help but smile.

I knew I was stronger and better than I thought I could be at this moment.

I ended my 31st year on an amazing high, and look forward to my 32nd year being the best yet!

After crossing the finish line, it was such a party. 

I've never been fast enough to be around when the party was happening.  

I soaked it all in!

So many people!  So much fun!

My cute neighbor even waited in line with me for a post-race massage!  

(For an hour an a half!!!!)

(But the massage was so gooooood!)

This race was a big moment for me.  

This race helped me see that I am usually too hard on myself.

I usually don't give myself enough credit.

And I need to be kinder to me.

That is my resolution for my 32nd year.

To allow myself to be proud, even when I'm not where I'd like to be.

Because Saturday blew my mind!  

And I can't wait for another race like this one.

My only criticism about the race:

They needed more liquids at the finish!

They only had dixie cups for us that were half full.

Please, Run13 race directors, next year splurge on the bottles of water.  Or even chocolate milk!

Will I run Provo City Half Marathon again?

DEFINITELY!  

(Race 6 out of 14 is now complete)

Fitness Friday

I canceled my weigh in today.

Honestly, I haven't weighed in since Sunday.  

You see, Saturday I was down around 203ish - 204ish.  Then I endured the rainy, cold half-marathon. Then the scale showed me at 210.

I hate the scale.

I know after races I retain a LOT of water.  And I'm sure that's what it was.  Buuuut.  I couldn't get in my own head.  So I literally packed the scale up for the week.

You see, I have ANOTHER half marathon tomorrow!  So I needed to worry less about the number on the scale, and more about being smart about fueling my body to be strong for Saturday.

So next Friday, Fitness Friday will continue.  But for today, I'm stretching it out and getting ready for the Provo City Half Marathon.

Springing for Steps Results

Guess what?  Today is May 1st!

That means our Springing for Steps is over.  I loved seeing everyone track their miles this last month!  Each of you were so inspiring to me.  You helped push me to do more, achieve more!  Together, we went more than 787 miles!  WOOHOO!!!

THANK YOU!

How about another round??  If you didn't join in last time, join us this time!  More Miles in May starts TODAY!  How many miles are you committing to?  It doesn't matter if you walk, run, skip, or crawl.  A mile is a mile and you can track however you'd like!

I was quite inspired by my friend Kara who had a big NSV (non-scale-victory) this last month by hitting 100 running miles!  Because of her, I'm going big this month and only tracking the miles I run.  (gulp!)  What I love about this is that each month, I've been motivated to try harder and do more!

What can you push yourself to do this month?  We have 31 whole days to accomplish ANYTHING!  Join me and lets see how many miles we can total!  Let's try as a group to go even further this month!

Help a runner out!

I need your help friends.  I just entered a caption contest to win a free race entry into a half marathon here in Utah.  

I enlisted the help of my brilliant friends to come up with a creative one and I think I've got a good one (thanks Marcee!).

The picture and caption:

"Hands down, I'm the fastest one out here!"

Now, I am enlisting YOUR help!  I need to have the most "likes" on my caption comment.  They announce the winner next Monday (5/5) which also happens to be my birthday!  So HELLO!  This makes sense, it can be a Happy Birthday to me...right?

So PLEASE.  Take a moment and go "like" my caption and I will love you forever!

(I made it real easy and you can click "like from this picture below...)

Post by Rush49.

Tulip Festival Half

Let's start off by saying that Saturday's weather = TERRIBLE.

I woke up to the sound of rain at 5:30am.  I knew I was in trouble.  I wished at that moment (for a split second) that I would be okay being a quitter.

I wasn't.

So I dressed, made my breakfast (toast, peanut butter, with a banana sliced on top) and got ready to leave.

Only, I wanted my running gloves.  And I couldn't find them ANYWHERE.  So I opted to grab hand warmers instead.  Note to future race self:  if it's scheduled to rain, find your gloves the night before.

I left the house, only to realize I left my garmin watch at home.  UGH.  So I turned back around because no runner can run without knowing their pace....right?

I arrived at Thanksgiving Point in plenty of time.  Honestly, I loved that I lived so close to this race.  It let me sleep in a little longer than most races.  I arrived at 6:30am (start time was 7:00am).  I sat in my car for about 15 min, gaining the courage to open the door to the wind and rain.  

Here I am pre-race.  Can you tell how excited I was about Mother Nature's little trick?  I had a space blanket to wrap up in, but honestly...I wished I would have had a poncho.  Or a garbage bag.  I was really, really dumb.  By the time I got to the start line (yes, the STARTING line) I was soaked.  I knew from there that it was going to be a long few hours.

As the race started, they warned us about hypothermia.  Yes, it was that chilly and wet.  

As the gun went off, I started my music and tried to get lost in in.  The first mile I felt good.  Real good.  My legs felt great.  Actually the first 3 miles were great.  I kept a good, steady pace.  There was a little bit of a climb, but nothing too bad.

By the time we hit 4 or 5 miles in, we were in the Thanksgiving Point gardens.  This was the point of the race I was excited about.  This was actually why I opted to do this race.  I had never been to the Tulip Festival but have seen pictures and heard it was beautiful and amazing.  We were able to wind all through the gardens on our run, seeing beautiful tulips like these:

The gardens are beautiful, and on a sunny day I probably would have enjoyed them even more.

I remember passing the huge waterfalls as we were getting ready to leave the gardens.  They were so pretty...this picture does them no justice.

As we left the gardens, we entered hell the golf course.

I read some other race recaps for previous years before this race.  All of the posts I read mentioned the terrible hills along the golf course.  I thought they were over exaggerating.  I thought they couldn't be THAT BAD.  

They were.

Miles 7-9 I hated.  Like full on cursing 4 letter words under my breath (and some 5 lettered ones too).  If you don't believe me, go golf Thanksgiving Point and imagine running a half marathon up those ridiculous hills!  And then imagine doing it in the POURING RAIN!

By this point in the race, I was over it.  I was so cold.  I was soaked to the bone.  There was running water coming down the hills, forming puddles at the bottom.  Yikes.

Hey.  On the positive side, several volunteers decided that I won the wet t-shirt contest.  All I kept thinking was thank goodness I wore my black sports bra.  Yikes, that could have been embarrassing...

At one point in the race, it was raining so hard that I tried to wear my glasses just so I could keep my eyes open.  Even that didn't work, the glasses kept fogging up.

Mile 8 was probably my most mentally difficult mile.  The hills were stupid.  I hated the weather.  I could see the other runners passing back on the golf course, headed to the finish line.  Blah.

At mile 10, my phone shut off.  Completely.  I lost all music and Nike+ and Runkeeper tracking.  I was bugged.  I knew it wasn't dead.  But it had gotten so wet that it powered off.  So the last 3 miles I spent music-less, in the pouring rain.  

At mile 11 I could hear the finish line announcer.  They were congratulating and awarding prizes to the ridiculously fast runners.  I hated them.  But I kept pushing.

My last mile, I have to say I was most proud of myself.  I wanted to quit.  I wanted to walk.  But I didn't.  In fact, I kicked it into high gear and it ended up being my 2nd best split time.  I was passing people left and right.  (Okay, not left and right....but I passed probably 5 people.)  By the time I turned to go into the chute I knew I was done.  I knew a hot bath awaited me!  

As I was running that last little bit, I got a little choked up.  I can think of 2 races where I've actually gotten choked up.  But I got all teary in this one.  As I reflected how terrible the weather was it reminded me of the marathon I did before (because the weather was of equal crappiness in both races).  I was proud of myself.  I was proud that I showed up for the Tulip Half in the crummy weather (many didn't!).  I was proud that I put one foot in front of another and finished!  I knew at that moment that the long journey I have ahead to lose all this weight would be one I could do because I DO HARD THINGS!  

(I crossed the finish line in just under 3 hours...2:56:54 is what my Garmin had me at and 2:59:06 is what the race chip had me at...I stopped a few times taking pictures so I'm going with my Garmin pace.  I originally hoped to be closer to the 2:45:00 mark.  And honestly, had it not been raining....and if there weren't those nasty hills I think I would have been pretty close to that pace.)

Originally Jason was planning to bring the kids to the finish line, and my mom had always been planning to come.  I knew this race would be slow for me even in the best conditions.  My pace just hasn't gotten back to what it used to be yet.  Then, when I saw it was going to be raining, I told Jason to keep the kids at home.  There was no sense in having them soaking wet.  And I told my mom to not worry about driving down either.

Well, my mom didn't listen.  And as I got close to crossing the finish line, I saw her with her camera.  (In her heavy coat, I might add...)  Thanks Mom!  As much as I told you to stay at home warm, I really loved having you there to support me.

So if this post wasn't long enough already....here are the good and the bad from the Thanksgiving Point Tulip Half Marathon:

The BAD:  

• clearly the rain!  and the cold!
• And the hills!!
• not having a hat to keep the rain out of my face
• not having a long sleeved running shirt!  (You'll notice I had a long sleeved shirt, but it was cotton.  And it held all the water in.  All my long sleeved running shirts were too tight and I wouldn't have been comfortable running in them.  Only, I didn't realize this until late Friday night.  So I ran, looking ridiculous in my soaked...and HEAVY...shirt.)

The GOOD:

• The tulips were beautiful
• The volunteers out on the course were energetic (even the little kids that had to be no older than 8 or 9 who were soaked!)
• The oranges!!  I can't say enough about the orange slices!  They had them at several aid stations and I was in heaven!  Every race director should have oranges along the course!
• The finish line food!!!  This race knew how to make a girl happy when she's soaking wet after the race.  They had chocolate milk, bagels, bread with jam, ice cream sandwiches (LOTS of those left...HA!), and cookies.  Ohhhhh, the cookies!  I was impressed because typically when I've ran a race at a slow pace, usually they have packed up all the food (or ran out!).  I was SO impressed with how much they had available to me.  Take note again, any future race directors!  Even the slow runners need food at the end.  So thank you to the volunteers who could have easily packed up in the rain and headed home.  Thank you for waiting it out, even for the runners who came in an hour after me!  It almost makes me want to run this race again.  Almost.
• The medal:

I LOVED the medal they hung around my neck!  The tulip is so cute.  And what I loved even more:  The fact that they had different medals for the different races.  (There was a 5k and a kids run this same day.)  I've seen other races hand out the same medal to all participants.  But Thanksgiving Point made sure to have a medal just for the half-ers.  (Another tip race directors should learn from!)

All in all, I'm glad I ran this race.  (And I'm even more glad I'm done with it!)

Would I run it again?  .........despite all the good (and there was a lot of good!) I don't know that I would because of those nasty hills on the golf course.  (And the rain is still hazing my thoughts too.)  I won't ever say never, but it would take a lot for me to jump into this race again next year.

My advice to anyone who is thinking of running this race:  go golf Thanksgiving Point's golf course first so you know what lies ahead as you start this race.....