Twists and Turns

Sometimes, people think you have things all figured out.

Here's a secret:  they don't.  No one has everything all figured out.

You see, this journey we are on…the progress we are making, it's a continual thing.  There are ups and downs along the road.  Trust me, I know!

So lets address the elephant in the room.  Since Thanksgiving I have done VERY LITTLE.  (And very little would be a generous statement.)

I'm not going to lie.  I've been in a funk.  And if I'm being completely honest, I've been in a funk for a long while.

Many of you know that our little Madison was a surprise.  A very unexpected surprise.  I had a hard time getting excited.  (Judge away.)  When she was born, I was worried I wouldn't connect with her because I was pretty bitter about getting pregnant right when I was at the peak of my health (yes, totally self-centered feelings, but my feelings none-the-less.).

I can tell you that I have ABSOLUTELY fallen in love with that little girl!  She was meant to be with our family!

I hoped once she was born, I'd bounce right back into everything.  But, I didn't.
I hoped once she was born, I'd get re-energized about my health.  But, I haven't.

I struggled with moving away from the place I called home, I struggled with finding new friends.  I struggled with feeling alone.  I am still struggling with some postpartum depression.  And how did I combat those struggles?  Food.  And it hasn't helped that the holidays came with DELICIOUS treats.

The last few months have been hard.  There have been many days full of tears.  There have been moments when I stayed in bed all day because it was too taxing to simply get dressed…let alone go work out.

There have also been times I've tried.  I've tried to force myself to do better.  And when I've forced myself to get moving, or even get out of the house, I do feel better.  But it's been hard.  And I'm here, sharing it because I need out.  I feel like I've been in a fog…or rather, drowning under water.  That I can look up and see the surface.  And I know I need to kick my legs and swim to get there, so I don't drown…only that would take effort, and I've simply not had any.  I'm tired of it.  I need to break through the surface.

There are many who are too ashamed to share what I've just shared.  In fact, I've been embarrassed about it myself.  I felt I should have been stronger.  I wanted to be stronger.  I wanted to show my journey of 'wins' and felt dumb that I couldn't pull myself together.  But here's what it comes down to, I'm in a battle with my body (mentally and physically) and I'm going to win.  Maybe I won't win everyday, but in the end…I'm going to come out on top.

So here I am.  Asking for a little compassion…not from my readers.  You readers have always been SO compassionate.  I'm asking for compassion from myself.  I'm telling myself that it is okay to have fallen down.  And it's okay to have to start over.  And more importantly, it's okay to be honest about where I am at so I can get the support I need.

Here's to focusing on health for 2014, and the hard journey that I have ahead…