Once to small...now just right

So if you remember, two months ago I went on a cruise.  (A surprise cruise, for my 30th birthday!)

Because I only had 2 weeks to get ready for it by the time I found out about the cruise, I was rushing around to find summer clothes.  I ended up going to Old Navy for a lot of it.  However, I didn't have time to actually try anything on.  I just guessed and brought them home.

Mostly, I guessed good.  There was, however, one pair of capris that I guess too small.

Okay, not just too small....but literally can't pull them up over my thighs small.

So, I bagged them up and hung them on my door to return after the cruise.

Well, weeks turn into months.  The bag was still sitting there.  After feeling a little more confident in my body because all my regular clothes were fitting way lose, I thought I'd reach in the bag and give it a try...

They fit....NOT EVEN A MUFFIN TOP!!!  

Today, they fit.

Bottoms:  Capris from Old Navy, size:  Medium

Top:  Alabama Football t-shirt, size:  Medium

My To Do List. (Post edit)

Post Edit....I finished the run.  And surprisingly, I felt REALLY GOOD running today!  I can tell I'm getting stronger.  And I can see my pace getting better!  I've gone from a 15:44 pace when I first started tracing my pace (1 week into the C25K) on July 9th to a 12:48 pace today!  Not too shabby.

I don't want to run this morning.  I don't want to run this morning.  I DON'T want to run this morning!!

Did you hear me?

So instead, I decided to jump on here and whine to y'all about it.

I'm supposed to be doing week 5 C25K...what does that mean?  I'll tell you.
It means I am supposed to do a:
5 minute warm up walk.
Then, I'm supposed to run 5 minutes straight.
After, I'll walk for 3 minutes,
followed immediately by a 6 minute run.
I get a short 3 minute walk again.
Then its back to a 5 minute run!
Lastly, I cool down for 5 min.

I posted it for all to read because I need to have a plan.  My plan is to come back and edit this post with a check mark for this task on my To Do list.

Here goes nothing...if I can do hard things, you all better push yourself further today too!!!
I'm just sayin.........

Hey good-lookin

Whatcha got cookin?

I stuffed my face full of this tonight...

Cajun Chicken Pasta

(recipe taken from Skinnytaste.com)

I altered my recipe a little bit compared to the one I found on Pinterest.

What I chose NOT to add:

Red bell pepper (I am BARELY getting my family to eat the yellow ones...baby steps!!)

I did a yellow onion instead of a red (didn't have a red one)

I did FF cream cheese rather than light

Scallions

Here's the recipe (skinnytaste style) for any wanting to try something new.

(I bolded the changes I made compared to hers...)

I highly recommend it.

(And that comes from a girl who is a bland, mashed potato kind of girl...)

(Cajun was a BIG step out of my comfort zone, but a good one!)

Servings: 5 • Serving Size: 1 1/2 cups • Old Points: 6 pts • Points+: 8 pts
Calories: 323.8 • Fat: 6.2 g • Protein: 25.9 g • Carb: 44.1 g • Fiber: 6.3 g • Sugar:3.2 g
Sodium: 126.5 mg (without salt)  


Ingredients:

• 8 ounces uncooked linguine (I used Walmart brand)
• 1 pound chicken breast strips
• 1-2 tsp Cajun seasoning
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 medium red bell pepper, thinly sliced
• 1 medium yellow bell pepper, thinly sliced
• 8 oz fresh mushrooms, sliced
• 1/2 red yellow onion, sliced
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 medium tomatoes, diced
• 1 cup fat free low sodium chicken broth
• 1/3 cup skim 1% milk
• 1 tbsp flour
• 3 tbsp light Fat Free cream cheese
• fresh cracked pepper
• 2 scallions, chopped
• salt to taste
• Smart Balance Walmart brand? cooking spray

Directions:

Prep all your vegetables. In a small blender make a slurry by combining milk, flour and cream cheese. Set aside. Season chicken generously with Cajun seasoning, garlic powder and salt.

Prepare pasta in salted water according to package directions.

Heat a large heavy nonstick skillet over medium-high heat; spray with cooking spray and add half of the chicken. Sauté 5 to 6 minutes or until done, set aside on a plate and repeat with the remaining chicken. Set aside.

Add olive oil to the skillet and reduce to medium; add bell peppers, onions, and garlic to skillet, sauté 3-4 minutes. 

Add mushrooms and tomatoes and sauté 3-4 more minutes or until vegetables are tender. Season with 1/4 tsp salt, garlic powder and fresh cracked pepper to taste.

Reduce heat to medium-low; add chicken broth and pour in slurry stirring about 2 minutes.

Return chicken to skillet; adjust salt and Cajun seasoning to taste, cook another minute or two until hot, then add linguine; toss well to coat. Top with chopped scallions and enjoy!

All in all, the dinner was a success.  (At least 4/5 of us liked it...the jury is still out on my oldest daughter!)  We will definitely be adding this recipe into our mix.  If you try it out, let me know what you think of it!

The best part for me (besides the delicious taste)...ONLY 323 CALORIES and I was FULL with 1 1/2 cups!

Tomorrow is Monday....how are you going to start off your week?

Make plans today and hold yourself accountable...you can do ANYTHING for ONE WEEK!  :)

Here are my plans:  

Monday/Wednesday/Friday:  *C25K Week 5 (double gulp!)

*Zumba any day I can get it in

Track my food, track my food, track my food!

Tired.

Have I mentioned I'm tired?

No.  Not tired.

E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D!

Seriously, my body is telling me it needs sleep...and lots of it.

I was sick earlier this week (you know, body aches, chills, low grade fever).  I think I'm still trying to recover.

But I didn't let my being sick (or my exhaustedness) (go with me) stop me.

I got up this morning and went to Zumba anyway.  And can I tell you...my legs felt like BRICKS!  I felt like I was barely able to move (and I know I looked pathetic...)

But I finished my week....3 runs in my C25K app taking me to week 5.  GULP!  (I'm kinda scared for Monday.)

AND I was able to add Zumba in Mon, Tues, Thurs, Saturday.  Sheesh...if my math is right, that's somewhere around 3400 calories burnt just in my actual exercise moments during the week.

And that's a pound.  Yay.

And that is also why I am now laying on my bed watching others push their bodies hard....I LOVE THE OLYMPICS!  :)

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off from strenuous exercise.  For the past 6 days I've pushed myself and tomorrow I'm going to rest, take it easy.  Maybe go on a LEISURELY walk with my family.

Enjoy the weekend...do something you wouldn't normally do, hold yourself to a higher expectation...YOU ARE WORTH IT!

P.S.  Since I have a few newbies on here...I thought I'd post a few before and "during" pics over the next few days...here's a sneak peak:

Before...don't know the EXACT weight...but I think FAT covers it.

 (Taken by Studio C Photography)

During (Not YET after)...

December 2011.  I was basically 166...now I'm low 170's so pretty close to this size:

(sorry, I STILL haven't gotten used to the idea that I need to take more pics of myself...)

Confession

I have come to confess my sins.

I did a lot of research last night.  I realized I wanted to focus a lot on building my lean muscle because I know it will help rid me of the fat.  So, I'm wanting to track where I started.

When I pulled the conversion calculators, I realized I needed an accurate weight.

(Get where I'm going?)

So I talked to Jason about it.  I told him my reason for wanting my current weight.  He came up with a solution.  He would bring the wiiFit scale out of hiding, but I had to weigh in not facing the TV AND I had to give him the formula to figure out for me...that way I would avoid the disappointment in seeing my weight.

I agreed (although, my curiosity was killing me!)  (You see, I know my pants are fitting looser so I was adamant that my scale had to be budging.)

But a deal was a deal....so I agreed not to look or know my weight.  And believe me, secretly I was glad that Jason was holding me to my word!  I knew I couldn't take much more disappointment.  I knew that I wanted to give the scale time to start moving.  So really, my motives and intent were pure...

I got done.  And here's how the conversation went:

Jason:  "Wow.  I think I might actually want you to see this weigh in."
Me:  "Really, don't mess with me..."
Jason:  "No, seriously...I think you'll be surprised."

So in my head I thought...sweet I'm down a pound or two and he's trying to be nice and get me excited about seeing 180.something....

Boy was I wrong!

I weighed in this morning in the EXACT SAME outfit as I did on Tuesday (just 3 days ago...)

ONLY....today's weight showed me at a LOSS of 7+ pounds?!?  I was at 175.3.




175.3!

Now some might think that is impossible in 3 short days....here's what I have to say:  It is definitely possible...my body was holding on to my weight trying to figure out what I was doing.  Then it realized I was still feeding it regularly, I was burning lots of calories EVERY SINGLE DAY...so it finally jumped into action.

No.  I don't expect a 7+ weight loss every week.  I swear, I don't.  Hell...I'd be happy with a 2 lb weight loss weekly.  But remember...I went 4 weeks and only saw a 1.something pound loss.

As for breaking my promise....well, that wasn't my intent this morning when I wanted to figure out my body fat percent and my lean muscle percent.  And I was set on having Jason do the calculations to keep the number from me....only, I'm really glad he didn't.  But cheating is cheating....so I felt I had to be honest and accountable to myself and to anyone who might be reading this blog.

Now, here's the real kicker....can you imagine what would have happened if I had given up and thrown in the towel?

Seriously...it was dark, I was frustrated.  I was ready to give up.  But I didn't.  I DIDN'T STOP DESPITE WHAT MY SCALE TOLD ME.  You see, I knew I was doing enough to get results....I just couldn't figure out why they were taking so long to come.

The sky is always darkest before dawn!  Did you hear me....
THE SKY IS ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE DAWN!

Push through the frustration and the disappointment....if I am worth it (and if I can do it), then by golly...you are SOOOOO worth it and I know you can do it!

As for me and my scale relationship...it's already boxed up and hidden again.  My 5K is on Saturday Aug 25th and I have decided to wait until Tuesday the 28th (my usual weigh in day) to weigh in.  So I'm still a month from my next weigh in...we'll see how much the scale moves in that amount of time!

Suckin' it up

What do you do after you have an emotional break down yesterday?

You pull yourself together, and you do what you've been doing.  You suck it up.

And that is exactly what I did today.  I'm not going to pretend that it was easy to get on the treadmill today.  But I did it.  And really, I'm glad that I did it (now that I'm done).

I'm tired.  My knee is aching (and being iced).  But I'm glad I was able to be stronger than my scale.

Speaking of scale...it truly is gone for a month.  Jason took them and hid them from me.

A quick side note regarding the supportive texts, emails, phone calls, FaceBook messages, and bloodspot messages:  THANK YOU.  I may, or may not, have posted a link to this blog for selfish reasons.  You see, I was down in the dumps and needed a little support.  I appreciate that you came through for me!  It means so much to know I can be lifted up by so many!  Thank you.  I mean it.

Another side note:  if any of you are using mapmyrun or myfitnesspal....ADD ME!  I love friends.  :)
Mapmyrun user ID:  alishabowling
Myfitnesspal user ID:  alishabowling

(I try to make it pretty simple to find me!)  :)

So now that I've got my run in for the day.....what are YOU going to do for yourself?  Maybe you're going to take the stairs instead of the elevator; maybe you're going to drink more water; maybe you're going to say no to a delicious dessert; maybe you're going to go for a walk after dinner; maybe you're an animal and you're going to run a marathon...(Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear about it...)

Way past crying.

Where do I start?

Maybe by warning you that this will not be an upbeat, happy post.  Or maybe by warning you that there could be some profanities that escape my mouth fingers as I express what is in my heart right now.

Maybe by telling you that sometimes I really hate this journey.  Hate. It.

4 weeks ago I weighed in at 184.9.  Over the last 4 weeks I have been really pushing myself.  I've been counting calories...I've been trying to make smarter choices.  No, I haven't been perfect...but I will never be perfect.  Instead, I have faced each new day trying to do better than the last....trying to improve some of my imperfections.

Along these last 4 weeks I have been increasing my workouts.  I have been consistent.  REAL CONSISTENT!  I have followed the C25K app.  I have added in at least 1 extra run a week.  I have also added Zumba in the last 2 weeks.  I've been sweating and sweating and sweating.  And I am sore, sore, sore.

So why in the hell am I not seeing anything on the scale?

In the last 4 weeks I've fluctuated.  My lowest was on 7/20 at 180.1.  Yet today I'm back up to 183.0.

I'm not going to sugar coat things.  I'm beyond frustrated.  When I saw todays number...down 0.2 from yesterday I cried.

I cried a lot.

I feel nothing I do is making a difference.

I'm scared because I wonder why I'm even pushing myself this hard if I'm not going to get results.

Sure, I am feeling stronger.  Sure, I'm able to run longer without getting winded.  But really...can I just get out of the 180's again?!

I got pissed today.  I threw a not-so-little temper tantrum.  I went to my room to pout.  I cried a lot on my bed.  I hurt.  Physically and emotionally!

Whoever said this journey isn't hard should be shot.  Seriously, it's draining me.

I know what I need to do.  It's just really hard to do it.  I need to box up my scales for a while.  I see that I am giving them way to much power.  It's hard though because I do want to feel good about a weight loss.  And each day I wake up, put on my happy face and think that THIS, THIS will be the morning I see a drop.

Jason keeps telling me that it's like I'm climbing a mountain.  Until I reach that peak, its frustrating and hard.  And you wonder why you are putting yourself through the agony.  Then, out of no where, you are at the peak.  Things make sense.

When am I going to be at that point?  When will things start to add up and make sense again?

I've really done a lot of reflecting over the last couple days.  I sought out advice from my ultra skinny brother (who seems to have it all figured out).  Even the advice he gave me was stuff I had known...but I again re-evaluated everything, just to make sure I'm not missing something.

I am literally at a loss (and not the kind of loss I want to be at...).

So here I am.  A girl.  A girl who is in tears because I feel I have put forth every ounce of effort I have. I have turned down food I love to eat.  I have made dinners from vegetables.  I have cut my portion sizes drastically.  I have downed 100 oz of water a day.  Here I am a girl who sweats her little heart out.  Who goes to bed at night completely exhausted and sore from working out.

Here I am a girl who is drained emotionally because no matter what I do, nothing has changed.  Nothing.

So what am I to do?  I am going to try to lace up my shoes and put my big girl panties on.  I'm going to TRY to focus on what I can control.  You see, I have absolutely no control what the scale shows each morning.  None.  But I can control if I get up and do my run in the morning.  I can control if I walk out the door to Zumba at night.  I can control what I put in my mouth...and what I don't put in my mouth.

So, as hard as it is, I have to focus on what I can control and hope that eventually my weight catches up to me.  I know I have been working hard, I know I have been eating better...eventually that has to pay off.  And if it doesn't, well.....then that will suck and I might have to be put in the looney bin....then it doesn't.

Now that I've cried a lot more trying to write this post, I'm at the point where I'm going to give up my scale.  I am going to box it up.  I am going to keep doing what I feel I can do...and push myself even harder.  I'm going to take body measurements today.  Then, I'm going to tuck them away.  I'm not even going to think about comparing progress until I finish my 5K on August 25th.  (That is a month and a day from today.)  At that point, I will measure myself again.  I will reflect on myself and my progress.....and maybe, just maybe...I'll unbox my scales at that point.

(Pray that by then I see the 170's on my scale!!!)

Freak.

On Friday I was able to take my run outside for the first time.  I was all sorts of excited and felt "free."  Typically I'm on the treadmill working out, so this was new and exciting.  I wasn't completely confident in myself though...I didn't know how I would do without a treadmill to keep me going....

Boy, was I surprised!

Let me start by saying until this point, I was running my app runs above a 13:00 min/pace.
Monday, my pace was 13:17 min/mile
Wednesday, my pace was 13:11 min/mile

Sooooo.  Friday, I hoped for about the same.

I got done with my run, stopped the mapmyrun app and was shocked to see a message pop up...
"AlishaBowling has a best time...

My pace:  12:18 min/mile!

I knocked my old pace OUT OF THE WATER by a full minute!

I was ecstatic!

The scale was liking me, my runs felt good, I enjoyed Zumba...seriously, could anything go south?

Well, it did.  And I still can't figure out why!

Saturday morning came, we had family visiting.  (And I may have made delicious french toast.)  But I followed the french toast with another incredible Zumba class!

Sore doesn't even explain my hamstrings...

That day I felt I was eating decent...I didn't over do anything!
That night, I jumped on the treadmill again...although, my pace was SUPER SLOW because I was so sore from Zumba!  It was all I could do just to finish...
I finished the day with my "Best Day Ever" on my Nike Fuel Band with 5,556 fuel points!

So, you can imagine my shock when I woke up on Sunday UP!  Seriously, UP A LOT!
I may have began cursing at my scale.  I may have felt a bit defeated.  I mean seriously, I worked out SO HARD this past week...and on the day I worked out the hardest, how could I be up like 3 or 4 pounds the next morning?!

I hate my scale.

I rested yesterday, all day long.  My knee was super irritated from all the squats at Zumba.  This morning I'm feeling a lot less sore, but I still hate my scale!

What the freak people?!  I feel like I'm putting in so much work but I can't break out of the stupid 180's...It's like I'm destined to be here forever.  I'll loose a little to get me down to like 180.1 and then I'll push it REALLY HARD trying to get over that hump...and then the next day I'm back up to 183.  This cycle sucks.

It sucks bad.
And it makes it really hard to stay focused on the end result because it feels like no matter how hard I try, I'll never get the end result!

I mean really, it's not like I just started last week!  This is my 4th straight week of exercise and counting calories and I have practically NOTHING to show for it except sore muscles.

When will the scale be rewarding me?

Any thoughts?  Anyone remember how long it took for the scale to start dropping after you started getting consistent?  I realized I've done this before, but it seems like when I did...the weight fell off starting week 1.  (And I was losing at least 2 lbs a week...)  Now I'm lucky not to gain 2 lbs a week...

FREAK!

Zumba

I finally gave Zumba a try last night.

Let me preface this by saying I am not a dancer.  Not even close to a dancer!

But I have several friends who have invited me to go to The Warehouse with them for Zumba night.  It is literally a warehouse that gets all nice and dark with black lights, has a big stage up front, and everyone goes to shake their stuff...

I have to say, I quite enjoyed myself!  I was DRENCHED when I was done.  (Not even joking!)  (I was going to run to the store after to pick up a few things and couldn't because my clothes were wet, my hair was wet...and I STUNK!)  (All great signs of an awesome workout!)

I'm not going to lie, at first I was a bit self conscious.  I mean, hello!  Sure I've done a booty shake a few times in the privacy of my own home....but never where people could watch my awkwardness!  Finally, I just told myself I look as amazing as the instructors up on stage.  Ha!

I'm pretty sure this picture is a more adequate view of what was happening last night...

So although I have a lot of work to get my moves looking hot...at least I know I got a killer workout (and I'm terribly sore this morning!).  I actually checked my Nike+ Fuel Band before I started...I wanted an idea of how many calories I burned in the hour Zumba class....a whopping 630!  NICCCCEEE!  :)

And my scale thanked me this morning!  :)

Days

Do you ever have those days?

Rather, do you ever have those runs?  You know, the runs where your feet feel like bricks...like 50 lbs bricks EACH!  Or the runs where our knee starts to cramp a bit.  Or the runs when your head just isn't in it?

Yeah, I had all of those today.  I got on my treadmill and started, but I didn't really feel it today.

I wanted to quit.  But I didn't.
I wanted to walk during part of the running portion of my workout.  But I didn't.

You see, I have MADE MYSELF stick with running all of the portion when the little guy tells me to run.  If I start to let myself cheat I know I'll never build up the miles to run an entire race WITH OUT STOPPING!

And that is my goal, you know.

It's not even about how fast (although I'd like to be under the 11:00 min/mi mark by the time I run my "race."  But really, I'll just feel accomplished if I can run the ENTIRE THING!

Did I mention I am working towards a race?  I am.  Not an official race (because I couldn't find one during that time frame) but a race none-the-less.

According to my little app, I'm set to be ready to RUN an entire 5K by August 25th.  Coincidently, that is also the week I start back at school.  I thought it fitting to set that Saturday (the 25th) as my 5K.  I looked and looked online to find an actual official race to run.  There weren't any.  So, instead, I'm making my own 5K that day.  I've mapped the course.  I'm even making Jason go and drop me off at the "starting line."  I thought about finishing it at my house, but then it wouldn't feel like a race.  (Sounds dumb, I know.)  So I'm ending it by a school and park area by our house.  (And I'm making Jason and the kids be at the "finish line" cheering me on.

(Yes, I'm weird.)

But I really wanted this to feel like an official race.  I didn't want it to feel like any other run!

(Oh, and I'm going to do the same type of thing when I get to the end of my app...the 10K run...if I can't find a race then either.)

So each day I run/walk I try to push myself.  I have tried to do better each day to build my time and run a little faster while the app is pushing me to run a little further.

But today, well today I just pushed myself not to stop!

What can I say, some days are like that!

(P.S. Anyone who wants to run a fun easy 5K on August 25th, hit me up and I'll share the route...or for those reading this that are far away...because I know there are many...find your own route up north and run a 5K that day "with me".)  

Working hard to overcome me.

This past week I worked my behind off!  Really, I did!

I pushed myself hard on the running app.  I chose food carefully almost the entire week!  We even had a little date night at Applebee's, and instead of opting for my usual (something with delicious mashed potatoes!) I opted for a salad...dressing on the side.  I was surprised, I actually ate very little of the dressing!  Yay!

Then, there was Saturday night...we opted for Cafe Rio, and I was STARVING!  That was my one weak moment this past week.  I gave in to the pork salad.  It won.  And I'm not even going to lie, it was delicious!

I weighed myself before Saturday though...and it seems all of the hard work I was doing was not registering with my body!  So, I've opted to skip a week on the scale.  Not because I've been bad, but because I've been super good this past week (minus my one transgression).  You see, even after eating Cafe Rio, I pushed myself physically to make up for it.  I started wearing my Nike Fuel Band again, and this was the result of JUST SATURDAY:

That's right...I had over 20,000 STEPS for the day!  I burned 1,734 calories!  (Yes, my daily average is low..I haven't been wearing it all month...)  But it was my BEST DAY YET for the app!  I ran on the treadmill, I busted myself around the house cleaning all day, I walked that night outside, and I ran again!  Seriously, I'm still sore from Saturday!  So my little Cafe Rio slip up was not such a slip up...you see, I still have to eat the things I love.  Just not all the time!  

But, back to my scale dilemma.  After working hard all week, focusing on my running...focusing on my eating...I'm afraid if I step on the scale and don't see a significant loss I will be crushed!  I know the work isn't always seen immediately, but it should be!  And it's discouraging if I don't see it.  And right now I'm kinda fragile.  So I'm going to work hard again this week....then I PROMISE I will post a weight next Tuesday come good or bad!

I am feeling too good right now when I run to jeopardize stupid head games!  The weight will fall off eventually, I'm confident...but I know I haven't been consistent for very long yet, therefore my body needs to catch up to my work.  (Call it an excuse if you want...but I don't think it is.)  (I think it's me realizing the scale can't always determine me, and I have to overcome that side of me...)

NSV

I had a pretty great NSV today (non-scale-victory)!. I was getting dressed, trying to find something to wear.  The day was a bit hazy and had lots of cloud coverage.  I decided to opt for jeans.  Then, I hesitated.

You see, I remembered that just a week ago I went through my closet and got rid of all my larger jeans...all of them.  I kept only my 10's.  (I have none smaller than 10 at this point.)

I was bummed.  Jeans sounded comfy, but I knew my 10's had gotten to be to little...I couldn't even button them up the last time I tried.

I hesitated.  I didn't know if I could take the disappointment of not fitting into clothes...after all, you read my last post, I'm on a freaking roller coaster!  And, it's not like I've dropped a ton of weight so far...

But, I decided to throw caution into the wind.  I tried them on.  (And I even took a picture...I need to take more pictures along this journey to remember where I have been each step of the way!)

They are definitely snug, but they are also buttoned!  And I'm wearing them!  Sure, I might have a muffin top...but I don't care today.  I earned that muffin top.  Sure, people won't realize that the jeans that are a bit too tight are too tight because I've been working my ass off to fit in them again.  Some might even think... 'oh, she's had a bit too much to eat' or 'doesn't she know she should be wearing a size bigger?'

FORGET THEM!

You see, I know they are tight.  But that propels me forward.  Right now, I'm celebrating that I'm a 10 again!  Next step...to say goodbye to the double digits.  Whoa.  Haven't seen an 8 since high school!

No matter what

Today I lost my motivation.

I had such a hard time finding the desire to get my work-out on.  I laid in bed longer than usual, and by the time I was up I was thinking about making an excuse to put it off.

It's true what they say...the first step into your run is always the hardest!

I remembered a cute little song from Martina McBride.  The song talks a lot about excuses people can make for not doing this...but ultimately we need to Do it Anyway!

So I did.

I popped in my headphones and began and I am so glad that I did.  Not only did I do it, but I pushed myself harder today.  Maybe it was the music I was listening to that motivated me, maybe it was the scale.  Or maybe, it was just me.

I got pretty emotional today as a song came on.  It's a cheesy song.  (But you'll learn that I'm quite the cheese ball!)  But today as I was trying to push myself harder than I have so far, I was really letting the words sink in:

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreaming 
But there's a voice inside my head saying 

'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking,

Every move I make feels lost with no direction

My faith is shakin

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

~The Climb, Miley Cyrus

I cried.

That pretty much sums up a lot of why I was struggling this morning.  I have head issues, and sometimes they are difficult to get past!  

It's stupid, really!  I mean I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sometimes.  Somedays I have no doubts where I'm going.  Somedays I can almost feel myself at a healthier weight.  Then, there are days like this morning.  Days when it feels so far.  Days when it feels too hard.

There are moments when I start wondering if it's really worth it.  Crazy, huh?!  But as Miley says, I gotta keep my head held high!  I have got to keep trying.  

Because I have to believe that in the end, it will be worth it.  It will be worth every step I've taken, every ounce of sweat, every sore muscle, every tear I've shed, every dessert I've passed up...

It's just gotta be worth it!

(Side note:  I've been tracking my average pace this week while doing the couch-to-10K app.  I am super excited that from Monday I've stepped up my pace by 2 minutes!

Monday 7/9/12:  15:44 min/mile

Wednesday 7/11/12:  14:26 min/mile

Friday 7/13/12:  13:47 min/mile

All three run/walks were the exact same...I just upped my speed each time.  I'm hoping by the time I'm ready for the 10K portion of this (at the end of the 14 weeks) that my pace will be a lot closer to 10:00 min/miles....or GASP, even in the 9:00's!)

What's cookin?

I guess you could say me, considering this was the temperature reading from my car yesterday...

But that's not what this cooking post is about.

It's about me, Alisha, actually cooking something healthy for my family. 

Yes, I know you are thinking...'how could pizza every be considered healthy'

The secret: 

no, it's not the pepperonis, 

no...it's not the low-fat cheese

but YES!  It is all in the cauliflower crust I made.

Yes peeps, you read that right.  This crust was made exclusively from ground up cauliflower + one egg + a little cheese.

Yesterday was my families first time trying it.

Me, well, I had my first taste when I was up in Salt Lake visiting my family.  

You see, my amazing brother has turned into quite the health nut!

(And it's done him well...he's down like 50+ pounds...maybe up to 60 by now...since May)

(Just know he's shrinking, and he's smaller than I ever remember him!)

You might be asking how he's done it, because I know I sure grilled him!

He's been super careful with what he eats mostly.  

Yes, he's added in walking a lot of nights...but he has realized that losing weight is almost exclusively in regards to what you eat!  

Sure, exercise is important...and I'm not trying to down play that!  But really you aren't doing much for yourself if you aren't eating healthy for your body.

PHEW, that was a keyboard full.

Now, back to the pizza...

When I ate the pizza, I was super surprised and impressed!  

I thought it was DELICIOUS!

So I bought the ingredients and decided to make it for my family.

I will be honest with their reactions...

Jason:  watched me make it....took a bite and gave me an ick face.

Tata:  did NOT watch me make it...took a first bite, loved it.  Took more bites and said she did not like it.  (Kind of a usual conversation about food at our house.) (But she ended up finishing both of her slices.)

Monkey:  also did NOT watch me make it...took a first bite, also LOVED it.  Took more bites, and more bites.  Finished her whole 2 slices, then when I asked if she liked it she said no.  (hmmmmm.)

ConMan:  it wouldn't have mattered if he did watch me make it...he took a bite when it was fresh out of the oven and he didn't like the texture.  After I let it cool on the pizza stone, I tried again.  He ate all I had to give him.

(Note:  ConMan is my LEAST picky eater...infact, he will eat pretty much anything...dog food included.)

(Second Note:  Tata is my PICKIEST eater!  It is a battle every night at the dinner table with her.)

(Third Note:  If your husband doesn't like cauliflower, my advice...don't let him watch you make this!  He will have a preconceived opinion.)

Set backs...

I stepped on the scale today, only to be greeted by a minor set back.  But set backs are a set up for a come back...right?

Nah, it wasn't that bad.  I was up almost a pound...but I know my body.  I know that as the week goes my weight fluctuates up and down a bit...then by Monday night I usually see a good drop if I've been working hard.

At my last annual check up (almost a year ago) my doctor told me that no one will see a straight downward loss.  It is a well known fact that it will look more like this:

(source)

So yeah, I know that by weighing myself everyday I will see the scale on it's little bumps along the road.  After all...what road is completely smooth?  I've not found one, so I welcome the little bumps...as long as my slope is downward!

Onto better news for the day.  My workout went great.  I'm really loving my time on the treadmill.  Jason comes home today and I'm even more excited that the next 4 days I can take my workout outside in the mornings...you know, before the temperature reaches insane heights like it did yesterday!  (111!)

As of right now my app says I should be at 3000 steps for the day (in order to be on track to hit 12,000).  Right now I'm at 5847 and counting.  I've realized getting my workouts in during the morning hours is critical for me!  If I don't, I keep putting it off and eventually shrug my shoulders in defeat.  I've realized how much better my days are going by forcing myself on the treadmill...it's addicting, you should try it!

Learning the difference in fueling and filling...

Remember yesterday?  Remember how I wanted to break the 3 pound weight loss for the week?

Great news...

I'm down 3.7 POUNDS from last Tuesday!

I worked hard to shed that 3.7 pounds...ALL 3.7 pounds of it!

What did I do?  I got back to the routine that works for me.

I counted my steps, I did my 10K app workout 3 times, I was careful what I put in my mouth, I drank insane amounts of water!  I asked myself a lot of questions.....self, are you really hungry?  self, why are you obsessing over food?  self, have you drank enough water?  self, does the food taste better than a size 8 would feel?  (because I haven't been an 8 since I was in high school...)

or self, why are you sabotaging yourself?

Really, I have had a lot of self talks.  (And quite possibly out-loud!)  But if I'm not being frank with myself...if I'm not being honest to me, who will be?  It's my responsibility to keep me in check.  After all, I'm doing this for me you know!

If you read back to when I started this blog, and to my thoughts and feelings behind it...it all comes down to the fact that I have to stop the cycle.  And sadly, I have realized I will always be prone to fall back into old habits.  I have to focus EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. or I will fall back into my fat girl habits.  If I am not careful, my new healthy habits are forgotten and I slip back to my many, many years of fat girl habits.  I'm tired of the fat girl habits.  I hate how easy they are for me to become again!  I hope there is a day that my healthy girl habits replace my fat girl ones....but right now, I'm not at that point!  Right now, I don't trust myself.  Right now, I have to focus every single day so I keep myself from slipping!

Honestly, it's an addiction.  And a horrible one!  There are a lot of bad addictions out there...drugs, drinking, smoking, pornography...and terrible, over-eating, junk food eating is mine!  Here's the bad thing:  With some addictions, you go to rehab and get clean in so many days.  You completely avoid your addiction.  My problem is that ALL FOOD is my addiction!  And I've learned I have to eat.  Therefore, I can't just simply rehab my way out of this.  I have to be even more careful than a drug addict because I have to still take in my addiction, but I need to make sure it's in a healthy way.  I have to continue to teach myself everyday that eating just because something tastes good usually isn't a good thing!  I am trying to learn how to fuel my body with food, rather than fill my body with food.  There is a difference, and I hope eventually it becomes easier to master!

Ultimately, as I battle with this addiction, I hope I master it and teach my children how to avoid it!  I hope that I can fight the battle for them, I hope they can learn the art of fueling their body with food.  Healthy habits are what I'm focusing on EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  Even on the hard days.  And as much as I hope this road gets easier, more mindless for me, in creating healthy habits....there's a part of me that knows I will always struggle with this.  Ultimately, I've tasted the drug.  Ultimately, deep down there is a fat girl inside of me.  And if I don't keep her in check, she will gladly rear her face again and come out to ruin all the work I've done.  I've seen it in the last 6 months!  I've seen how easily the fat girl resurfaces even after I thought I "got it."

So my guard is up, and that is where it will stay.  Indefinitely for now....

Make it Matter Monday

Monday.  I have been known in the past to dread Mondays.  Now, I find them refreshing.  I find them rejuvenating.  I look at Monday's as a fresh start.

Today I stepped on the scale.  I hate my scale.  Not because it gave me a crappy number though.  I hate my scale because it is UNRELIABLE!  I step on, I step off, I step back on and the number is 10 POUNDS different from the first number.  

Really!  I swear. 

I so curse at my scale.

I then go downstairs and log into the wiiFit.  I know that scale is predictable.  So that is where I will be weighing in at least weekly to get my accountable weight.

I know I have been weighing in on Tuesday's...and I'll get the "official" weight tomorrow.  But I HAD to see where I was at today.  

I was pleasantly surprised, considering I raided a stash of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups last night (read: demolished a stash of Reese's PB cups...)  [hangs my head in shame]

So I honestly thought all the work I did this last week would be a lost cause.  It wasn't.

(Remember I said I found some awesome new apps for my phone?  Well these are pics merged into one pic from the different apps...thanks pic stitch!)

So the TactioHealth app is fabulous.  It lets me put in all my current information.  It then asks me to set a goal for myself....GASP!  So I went big, you can see it on the right long picture....you know, that crazy low number that I am shooting to hit by October 31, 2012!  DOUBLE GASP!  It shows me the pounds I have to lose, and the days I have left.  Also, each time I click into the app during the day it gives me step count I should be at...as of 10:19 am I should have 2000 steps (currently, I'm at 108).   But don't worry, as soon as I finish this post I will be on my treadmill making up for lost time......

The graph at the top gives a picture of your weight trends over the last 2 weeks (or in my case from last Tuesday).  There are many other screen shots I could have taken including one that shows my weight history...I'll just give that to you:

Last Tuesday I weighed in at 184.9 pounds....Remember, out of town for almost 3 weeks and that time of the month!?  (Read:  no excuses, I was up and it sucked)

Monday the 9th (today) I weighed in at 182.1 pounds.  Hopefully by tomorrow I can break a 3 pound weight loss for this week!  :)

Lastly, the other picture (the one in the middle...that is so pretty and colorful...) that is from my new best friend.  My 10K runner app...also known as my couch to 10K app.  I already mentioned that I finished my first week, now onto my second.  That picture shows what todays workout will consist of.  (Which is also why I can't be considered a real runner just yet...but I'll get there.)

So now I'm off to get my run/walk on...check back tomorrow to see if I break the 3 pound loss for the week...I promise there will be no self-sabotage with Reese's today!  

Real Runner

I want to be a real runner.

Really.  I do.

And there are some items I REALLY want (read: wish I could justify as needing!).

So until I can be considered a real runner I will dream on about THIS and THIS.

The belt is a lot less expensive and can probably be added to my "gear" sooner than later.  What I love about the belt (read: what I think I'll love about the belt) is that it will hold my iPhone on my run, along with any fuel I might need as I get into longer runs.

And as for the watch.  I will go to bed tonight dreaming about that watch.  Because really, what real runner doesn't want to be able to track their splits?  And what real runner  doesn't want to know their pace?!  But alas, I'm not a real runner  yet.  I have a long ways to go.  Until then, a girl can dream...

I'm a be runnin'

That's right folks.  I'm going to be a runner again.

I downloaded THIS app.

I've completed week one.

Truthfully, it wasn't all that difficult.  But, I promised myself that I would follow the program EXACTLY.  Sometimes, when I start working out...I feel I have to push myself more and more everyday to get better and better results.  Then in a few short weeks I tire out and quit.  I am one who usually feels I have to go "all out" once I start.  I rarely feel satisfied with my efforts and usually feel like I'm not doing enough.

This time, I am telling myself it is okay to follow this program.  It is set up to take me from the couch (where I have been for far too long) to running....RUNNING THE ENTIRE TIME...a 10K.  So I'm okay if the first week was easy-peasy.  I'm okay if it was a walk 1.5 min, run 1 min rotation.  I know it will get harder.  I am NOT overdoing it.  This is a gradual progression into loving running again.

But people, that love is there!   I can feel it.  I'm not quite there yet....but it's coming back!

So for now, I'm okay with the every other day routine.  Sometimes I'll add in some walking on my "off" days.  Sometimes I won't.  I don't feel obligated.  Instead, I applaud myself for the every other day right now.  I am telling me that it is enough, I am doing enough for the moment.  I'm sure I will find a time when I want to up the amount.  (Maybe it will be next week, who knows!)  But for now, I'm going to be proud of the things I do...rather than ragging on myself for not doing enough.

Vacations wear me out

Being home feels good!  Vacations are exhausting!  We were gone about 2 1/2 weeks and enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard making smart food choices!  My mom was having her entire kitchen remodeled...that meant lots of pizza and other eating out.  I was worried about the scale.

I came home last night, and decided to wait till the end of the week to step on the scale officially.  (It's that time of the month and I ALWAYS sway up a few pounds thanks to mother nature!)  I'm guessing I'll probably be about where I was when I left.

Good, that I'm not up a super lot.
Bad, because I'm tired of putting around.

In other news, I bought a new app for my phone.  An app that I am hoping will get me to love running again....we shall see.  (Because we all know that the app doesn't "run" by itself, it's going to require ME to get up and tie my shoes and run.  Oh boy....)